Thanks Kevin,

My fault. You're correct. The opening scene starts in 1984. After the scene the rest of the story takes place in present day.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Really happy to come home from work and see a few of you liked our lil script Makes my day. I'm just the fairy that flutters about sprinkling fairy dust Kev is the heavy hitter and the brains of this duo.

Someone's being modest now.  

Hey Guys,

Glad to see familiar names posting new content.
This is a bold and attractive concept, kudos there.
Naturally, this was an easy read.
It's something both of you already excel at in your individual work.

I don't think you need the flare gun scene. Two accidents? Nah.
But that suggestion does bring up one of my two big qualms with the script...

1) Assuming this is set in modern day -- why aren't cell phones addressed?

Seems to me it would be easy to call 9-1-1 for the Victim.
And then Luke can drive on to the hospital while an ambulance is dispatched.

Wouldn't recommend the old dead battery/no cell reception plot convenience.
You're already using that device for the victim's convenient roadside location.
Coincidence stacking flat out alienates readers.
Tough nut to crack or just make the story a period piece to avoid the logic flaw.

2) Luke's reaction to the healed Victim didn't make any sense to me.

Why does the Victim smile back? Because justice got served?
Or is the Victim dead too? Appearing as a ghost before Luke. Very unclear.
Doesn't track that the Sheriff got there with him moments after Luke arrives.

Anyway, Luke's just become a father. He's got a new family to raise.
His whole life ahead of him.
I don't see Luke resigning himself to Fate here with a placid smile.
He'd be confused and disoriented. Desperate to stay alive and see his family.

But reuniting Luke with the Victim at the end is a great instinct!
I just don't feel the truly karmic interaction is in place between them... yet.

My mind took a different path in the end... I see Luke fading fast.
He doesn't even register the cries of his newborn child. It's endgame.
Even as the nurses try to tell him he's got a beautiful baby.
On the gurney, Luke keeps repeating that he's sorry for what he did.
The staff tells him "No, you did great, your wife and baby are fine", etc.
Only the reader knows Luke's secret as he struggles to reveal it on his death bed.
Twist that Dramatic Irony knife in your protag's gut!

The Victim appears, Luke says that's the guy he hit with his car!!!
Confesses his misdeed over and over. Nurses think he's just delirious/in shock.
Luke uses his last ounce of strength to reach out to the Victim.
The staff bring over the Victim, "Are you hurt? Do you know this man?"

VICTIM
I've never met this man in my life.

The Victim takes Luke hand in his.

VICTIM
Good luck being a father.

A peace comes over Luke.
An orderly wheels him down the hall. His vitals start to stabilize.

For me, the truly big Karma comes in when the Victim forgives Luke.
That reaction closes and begins a new circle of life.
All that aside, it's a great concept that sparked many cool possibilities for me.
That's always a good sign with a script!
Good luck with showing it around. Thanks for sharing!

Regards,
Brett

Thanks for the notes, Brett. Those are the kinds of story notes, debates and suggestions I like to see in reviews. Get into the story and test drive it! Thank you.

As far as the cell phone...God darn cell phones, worst thing that ever happened to film! That's why I do period pieces.

I actually think the best way to deal with it is to hope the audience doesn't think of it. Or if they think of it they are willing to suspend disbelief. If the story uses a cheap car, maybe we'd see that the couple could not afford a cell phone. It's not uncommon.

We could have him try to call outside the city, and get no signal. By the time they get close other developments have taken over. But I prefer to just avoid the cell all together and hope for some suspension of disbelief.

I don't know. Freaking cell phones!

As for the ending, I like the dark ending. I just read this story for the first time today since we submitted it a month ago, and I found it moving. The husband is wracked with guilt, and this creates the karmatic effect of transferring the injuries. The victim would have been baffled as he healed mysteriously. By the time he arrived at the hospital, he was fully healed. He would have seen the husband, and both would have instantly understood. There is a deep connection between two people sometimes who share a life and death experience like that. So the victim does not smile because of justice...he flashes a smile of understanding with the husband, who is relieved of his guilt. So perhaps more a compassionate nod of understanding than a smile. If it says smile in the script, we should change that word.

Thanks for the excellent suggestions! We need more in depth reviews here in general, so welcome back!

Hey Kev,

Thanks for the kind words.
I wish I could exercise my brain more here these days.
But I'm juggling four features in play at various prodcos.
Glad to stop by when I can though!

My mind went right to the cell phone issue as I was reading.
Been watching a lot of Breaking bad lately.
Vince Gilligan gleefully plays with karma a lot in that show.

Regards,
Brett

Dena read your script, I think having that flare gun scene would definitely get us a better chance to know the relationship... The only dimension I see is that the character loves humanity , be it his wife or the guy he had hit ... exploring two things might be some thing I'd like to see the husband and wife relationship and the desire of the protagonist to have a child.. this would further complicate the plot.

you are a pro! good job

Hi guys.  This is nice work. Would go great in a portmanteau film or even a twilight zone-type show.  I'd would be great to have a few Karmacide shorts bundled together, using the basic concept in many different scenarios.

You guys know what you are doing, so I'll be short. There's only thing that I can suggest that would improve this -- go through the script, ignore the action lines and just have a look at some of the dialogue.  IMO, you could lose quite a few lines of it.  Odd that I think that in a six pager, actually.  But I don't think you need some of it, such as "What the...?", "I can't feel my legs" and there's a couple of 'Luuuke..."s that could go.

I'm scraping the barrel a bit, as this did not hamper my enjoyment of a very nice short.  Well done!  


    

Razi....hugs and thank you...you are so kind.

BC thanks too! You make a good point about some of the dialogue.

And Brett....with your busy schedule I'm surprised you have time to read a piddly po-dunk short But thanks nonetheless. Now get back to selling Xmas!

Thanks, B.C....and you are 100% right. To be honest, those ones you cited were put there more for the reader. We were worried about the reader being able to follow the story. If I were filming this,I would lose the "what the...". I might keep something about losing feeling in his legs since it can't be shown. I don't know. But good call on your part.

Kev - I know exactly what you mean, I probably would have put those lines there myself -- probably out of fear of someone calling me out on having 'not enough white on the page'!!  But as you have alluded to in other threads about specs by pro's -- things like that don't matter.  Dena and yourself made the action clear enough that I could follow the story easily, which is why this short gets a thumbs up.

Nice script, it just reminds me of a similar one I read a few days ago about a hit and run driver, karma and a voodoo woman. Can't remember the title. Perhaps these were both for one of those monthly contests, haven't been into those, so don't know.

Fast paced and all made sense, except, not sure I like the ending and the innocent being punished for sins of the fathers and all that.

Thanks, Harriet

Yes, it was for a contest where they gave the log, so there are similar versions floating around.

I don't know what you mean by innocents being punished by the sins of the father. The baby and wife survived.

And there was no punishing involved. The husband's feelings of guilt caused the victim's wounds to be transferred to himself through a karma like process.

Thanks for your thoughts!

oops, yes, sorry. I read it again.
Not sure how I got mixed up there, maybe I was pre-empting it

Hello Dena

Great work on this. Nice, short, and to the point. Nothing felt overwritten, and the action flowed very well. Enjoyed this read very much. Keep it up

-Silva Sly-

Hey Dena and Kevin, this sounds familiar...under a different name though?

I'll keep it short, sharp and sweet, just like this piece.  Really enjoyed it and the fast paced writing fitted the fast paced story perfectly.

Oh by the way, it got my vote. (wink)