Karmacide by Dena McKinnon (pale yellow) - Short, Thriller - A hit and run driver, consumed with guilt, starts to exhibit the same injuries as his victim. 7 pages - pdf, format

Hey Dena

SPOILERS!

I think you should mention when Luke's on the gurney. It's not mentioned and will confuse readers. lol.

Other than that, really good. I like this story. The urgency, the grayish character (his not good or bad), the obstacles. All good.

However, the ending could be more ominous. I mean, Luke should be seeing the victim he hit with that "WTF" look.  

I would also suggest changing the logline. There's another short similar to this one on here. Definitely different though. This is more of a story about "a man tries to get his wife to the hospital to give birth".

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Thanks for reading and reviewing Gabe...Kevin and I wrote this a while back ...it's short and to the point. I think everyone used the same logline I'll change mine up some. Thank you again...if you have anything you need me to read...hit me up!

A breeze to read.  Bittersweet ending.

I liked it.  Despite the fact the Kevin was involved.  

I won't bother spewing out any advice or opinions.   Bottom line, Dena's a pro.

Pretty darn good.

Silverback you are so sweet Tanks tons. Kevin deserves MORE credit on this one than I do

I'm all in favor for short and straight to the point. lol. I've learned that with my shorts. This will naturally get picked up.

Kev's the bartender? Shouldn't he get a proper credit? lol. Like to hear the story behind that.

In regards to reads, feel free to read any two in my sigs. Both are revised. More Than a Killer is new while, The Art of Persuasion is old. You might catch a surprise in More Than a Killer. But that's if you want. If you don't, no problem.

Gabe

Thanks, Gabe. The idea was that it's kind of suicide by karma. He's consumed by guilt, but he's desperate to get his wife to the hospital. That's why he's actually relieved with his last breath, because he sees the healed victim and understands.

I read this in between a commercial break, waiting for Sons of Anarchy to come back on.

This was a very fast read, not a struggle at all -- action right from the start.

The writing is top notch, even if a tad confusing in some places.

Dena & Kevin -

Entertaining read guys. Quick to the point and loaded with fast paced action. I love the ending with Luke absorbing the victims injuries and the victim in return back to normal. Reminded me something you would see in a Twilight Zone or Hitchcock episode. Very cool.

You guys make a great duo. Possible the two of you will collaborate on another script in the future?

One little error I see: Page 4. Left ankle bent at an impossible (ankle) angle.

Great job and best of luck with future scripts!

- Dirk

Thanks, Dirk. We actually collaborated on a feature a year and a half ago which we optioned recently. And we recently collaborated on 2 OWC scripts.

This Karmacide one was for a similar competition. We hatched out the plot over skype. Writing is lonely work, and it can really help a lot to sound out ideas with another writer, or even just someone who likes movies.

One thing we wanted to experiment with here was whether we could get an audience to care about a character without any back story at all. I think most of the time we writers tend to want to introduce the qualities and flaws of our character before we jump into the story. That way the audience has bonded with the character before the character's thrown into the fire.

So what happens often, in a feature anyway, is this method is used:

1) create a tone setting scene, such as a kill or a chase, something that does not involve the main character...or which uses a flash forward to give us a taste of what is to come.
2) then have us get to know the main character: his qualities, needs, flaws, desires, erc...and do it so that we care about the character.
3) then have an inciting incident which gets things going.

But we were thinking that there are other ways to make us care about the main character that allow us to jump right in. Thus...the hemorrhaging pregnant wife.

We don't know anything about this guy. But we sympathize with him because of the situation: he is about to lose his wife and child if he doesn't get her to the hospital quickly.

So when he leaves the victim by the road, it is only because he has a terrible, gut wrenching choice. If he delays getting his wife help, she might die.

But he's wracked by guilt all the way to the hospital. If the audience can be made to understand that, they might really feel for his situation.

We flirted with adding a scene to the beginning, in case anyone has an opinion on this. I think a powerful thing that cements an audience's bond with a character is when the character earns it. For example, in the Wizard of Oz. The reason the for the frustration the audience feels with the wizard on the return visit is because they have defeated the witch and earned the right to go home. It's more than that we care about Dorothy and want her to get home. She has earned that right.

So in Karmacide, we tried to think of a very quick way to do that. An idea was this: at the beginning, the husband is racing in the car himself, on the phone with his wife. She has crashed her car on the way to the hospital. She's stuck and doesn't quite know where she is. He is desperately trying to find her.

And then he thinks: they have a flare gun in the trunk. He tells her to fire it up. While she does, he scans the horizon and sees it. That's how he finds her.

The rest of the story picks up from there, with him racing her to the hospital. The difference is that, hopefully, there is a greater sense of him having "earned" the right to get his wife there on time, because he acted cleverly in finding her.

Maybe that wouldn't work, I don't know. Thanks for reading.

Kevin -

I agree with everything you said. Having Luke rush his wife to the hospital instantly made me want him to succeed in doing so. No need for any background in this case since we get the sense of urgency with Marta hemorrhaging. Now if Marta was suffering from a gun shot and wasn't pregnant then I feel there would need some background to the story to why we the reader should care. If she was a bankrobber we wouldn't care unless we had the reason why she did it. Needed the money for some reason but taking the story the route you choose exceded all that. Tough to do but congrats on that.

It's funny to read your reasons to why things set up the way they do in a feature because I'm currently writing a feature and it starts with a few kills in the opening scene than flash forwards 30 years to the present. lol.

Kevin -- interesting post.  In addition, I think I must say this is easily the most fast-paced and readable short on here.  No holding back.

Dirk -- sounds like Carpenter's Halloween.

Quoted from Guest Kevin -- interesting post.  In addition, I think I must say this is easily the most fast-paced and readable short on here.  No holding back. Dirk -- sounds like Carpenter's Halloween.

It does but trust me, it's different.  

Thanks Reaper.

Dirk, sounds like you are using a flashback, which is another way. A flash forward is like a quick scene that takes place in the future of your narrative. Let's say you have a story about an outbreak of zombies and you want to build up your characters before the zombie outbreak occurs. To set the tone you might choose to show a zombie attack scene at the beginning, but it's a tease scene which chronologically takes place later in the story, but which you give the audience a glimpse of now.

Another way of setting the tone is by introducing the antagonist first.

If you post the first 10 here I'll take a look if you want.

Really happy to come home from work and see a few of you liked our lil script Makes my day. I'm just the fairy that flutters about sprinkling fairy dust Kev is the heavy hitter and the brains of this duo.

Thanks Kevin,

My fault. You're correct. The opening scene starts in 1984. After the scene the rest of the story takes place in present day.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Really happy to come home from work and see a few of you liked our lil script Makes my day. I'm just the fairy that flutters about sprinkling fairy dust Kev is the heavy hitter and the brains of this duo.

Someone's being modest now.  

Hey Guys,

Glad to see familiar names posting new content.
This is a bold and attractive concept, kudos there.
Naturally, this was an easy read.
It's something both of you already excel at in your individual work.

I don't think you need the flare gun scene. Two accidents? Nah.
But that suggestion does bring up one of my two big qualms with the script...

1) Assuming this is set in modern day -- why aren't cell phones addressed?

Seems to me it would be easy to call 9-1-1 for the Victim.
And then Luke can drive on to the hospital while an ambulance is dispatched.

Wouldn't recommend the old dead battery/no cell reception plot convenience.
You're already using that device for the victim's convenient roadside location.
Coincidence stacking flat out alienates readers.
Tough nut to crack or just make the story a period piece to avoid the logic flaw.

2) Luke's reaction to the healed Victim didn't make any sense to me.

Why does the Victim smile back? Because justice got served?
Or is the Victim dead too? Appearing as a ghost before Luke. Very unclear.
Doesn't track that the Sheriff got there with him moments after Luke arrives.

Anyway, Luke's just become a father. He's got a new family to raise.
His whole life ahead of him.
I don't see Luke resigning himself to Fate here with a placid smile.
He'd be confused and disoriented. Desperate to stay alive and see his family.

But reuniting Luke with the Victim at the end is a great instinct!
I just don't feel the truly karmic interaction is in place between them... yet.

My mind took a different path in the end... I see Luke fading fast.
He doesn't even register the cries of his newborn child. It's endgame.
Even as the nurses try to tell him he's got a beautiful baby.
On the gurney, Luke keeps repeating that he's sorry for what he did.
The staff tells him "No, you did great, your wife and baby are fine", etc.
Only the reader knows Luke's secret as he struggles to reveal it on his death bed.
Twist that Dramatic Irony knife in your protag's gut!

The Victim appears, Luke says that's the guy he hit with his car!!!
Confesses his misdeed over and over. Nurses think he's just delirious/in shock.
Luke uses his last ounce of strength to reach out to the Victim.
The staff bring over the Victim, "Are you hurt? Do you know this man?"

VICTIM
I've never met this man in my life.

The Victim takes Luke hand in his.

VICTIM
Good luck being a father.

A peace comes over Luke.
An orderly wheels him down the hall. His vitals start to stabilize.

For me, the truly big Karma comes in when the Victim forgives Luke.
That reaction closes and begins a new circle of life.
All that aside, it's a great concept that sparked many cool possibilities for me.
That's always a good sign with a script!
Good luck with showing it around. Thanks for sharing!

Regards,
Brett

Thanks for the notes, Brett. Those are the kinds of story notes, debates and suggestions I like to see in reviews. Get into the story and test drive it! Thank you.

As far as the cell phone...God darn cell phones, worst thing that ever happened to film! That's why I do period pieces.

I actually think the best way to deal with it is to hope the audience doesn't think of it. Or if they think of it they are willing to suspend disbelief. If the story uses a cheap car, maybe we'd see that the couple could not afford a cell phone. It's not uncommon.

We could have him try to call outside the city, and get no signal. By the time they get close other developments have taken over. But I prefer to just avoid the cell all together and hope for some suspension of disbelief.

I don't know. Freaking cell phones!

As for the ending, I like the dark ending. I just read this story for the first time today since we submitted it a month ago, and I found it moving. The husband is wracked with guilt, and this creates the karmatic effect of transferring the injuries. The victim would have been baffled as he healed mysteriously. By the time he arrived at the hospital, he was fully healed. He would have seen the husband, and both would have instantly understood. There is a deep connection between two people sometimes who share a life and death experience like that. So the victim does not smile because of justice...he flashes a smile of understanding with the husband, who is relieved of his guilt. So perhaps more a compassionate nod of understanding than a smile. If it says smile in the script, we should change that word.

Thanks for the excellent suggestions! We need more in depth reviews here in general, so welcome back!

Hey Kev,

Thanks for the kind words.
I wish I could exercise my brain more here these days.
But I'm juggling four features in play at various prodcos.
Glad to stop by when I can though!

My mind went right to the cell phone issue as I was reading.
Been watching a lot of Breaking bad lately.
Vince Gilligan gleefully plays with karma a lot in that show.

Regards,
Brett

Dena read your script, I think having that flare gun scene would definitely get us a better chance to know the relationship... The only dimension I see is that the character loves humanity , be it his wife or the guy he had hit ... exploring two things might be some thing I'd like to see the husband and wife relationship and the desire of the protagonist to have a child.. this would further complicate the plot.

you are a pro! good job

Hi guys.  This is nice work. Would go great in a portmanteau film or even a twilight zone-type show.  I'd would be great to have a few Karmacide shorts bundled together, using the basic concept in many different scenarios.

You guys know what you are doing, so I'll be short. There's only thing that I can suggest that would improve this -- go through the script, ignore the action lines and just have a look at some of the dialogue.  IMO, you could lose quite a few lines of it.  Odd that I think that in a six pager, actually.  But I don't think you need some of it, such as "What the...?", "I can't feel my legs" and there's a couple of 'Luuuke..."s that could go.

I'm scraping the barrel a bit, as this did not hamper my enjoyment of a very nice short.  Well done!  


    

Razi....hugs and thank you...you are so kind.

BC thanks too! You make a good point about some of the dialogue.

And Brett....with your busy schedule I'm surprised you have time to read a piddly po-dunk short But thanks nonetheless. Now get back to selling Xmas!

Thanks, B.C....and you are 100% right. To be honest, those ones you cited were put there more for the reader. We were worried about the reader being able to follow the story. If I were filming this,I would lose the "what the...". I might keep something about losing feeling in his legs since it can't be shown. I don't know. But good call on your part.

Kev - I know exactly what you mean, I probably would have put those lines there myself -- probably out of fear of someone calling me out on having 'not enough white on the page'!!  But as you have alluded to in other threads about specs by pro's -- things like that don't matter.  Dena and yourself made the action clear enough that I could follow the story easily, which is why this short gets a thumbs up.

Nice script, it just reminds me of a similar one I read a few days ago about a hit and run driver, karma and a voodoo woman. Can't remember the title. Perhaps these were both for one of those monthly contests, haven't been into those, so don't know.

Fast paced and all made sense, except, not sure I like the ending and the innocent being punished for sins of the fathers and all that.

Thanks, Harriet

Yes, it was for a contest where they gave the log, so there are similar versions floating around.

I don't know what you mean by innocents being punished by the sins of the father. The baby and wife survived.

And there was no punishing involved. The husband's feelings of guilt caused the victim's wounds to be transferred to himself through a karma like process.

Thanks for your thoughts!

oops, yes, sorry. I read it again.
Not sure how I got mixed up there, maybe I was pre-empting it

Hello Dena

Great work on this. Nice, short, and to the point. Nothing felt overwritten, and the action flowed very well. Enjoyed this read very much. Keep it up

-Silva Sly-

Hey Dena and Kevin, this sounds familiar...under a different name though?

I'll keep it short, sharp and sweet, just like this piece.  Really enjoyed it and the fast paced writing fitted the fast paced story perfectly.

Oh by the way, it got my vote. (wink)

Hey guys, just some suggestions:

"A SCREAM takes us inside the speeding --"

I think you could just get away with A SCREAM and then move onto the next scene. The car slug will make it clear where the scream is taking us or you could also go with something like "A Scream from inside --"

"The needle pushing 100"

I'd just make this "The needle pushes 100".

"Pedal to the metal, near panic on his face, is LUKE (20s)."

Just reads kind of weird. I would go with something like "Luke (20s), near panic on his face, slams the pedal flat."

"He trades frantic glances between the road and his pregnant wife riding shotgun. This is MARTA (20s). She’s covered in
sweat, panting profusely."

I would just clump this together. "He trades frantic glances between the road and his pregnant wife riding shotgun, MARTA (20s), covered in sweat, panting profusely."

On page 3, "Tormented by guilt"

Eh I would just leave this one out, kind of unpotrayable, but I can see what your trying to say.

Anyways, those are only minor quibbles and I had to search hard to find them. This was a well-paced thriller and very well-written. As others have mentioned, the ending did kind of throw me off. I was thinking that the Victim would be more of an anatagonist, kind of like The Hitcher and for Luke to react more surprised/freightened.

IMO, I would end the script with the Victim standing over Luke, watching him die, smiling maliciously. He then points to the Marta and the baby, walks over,  as Luke takes his last breaths.

Adds a layer of suspense, but still adheres to the theme. Just my opinion, the ending you guys used was still very satisfying.

Last note, the title kind of gives away some of the plot.

Overall, really liked it. Reminds me of those 90's roadside thrillers that I enjoyed as a kid.

Thanks Chonga.

It was written in a day, thrown together for a writer's challenge at another website. There was no time to polish it, so the writing could be better.

Yes, the title does give it away to a degree. It also helps explain the story a little, which we thought was useful.

We were hoping to achieve something a little different with the end than what the other challenge entries tried. The vengeful victim feels like something that's been done many times over the years, so we wanted to create a different feeling.

So instead of the usual hit and run driver, we have a guy who faced a terrible choice. And instead of having a vengeful victim who brings about a curse, in this case the power stems from the driver's guilt. The victim is only there at the end to show that the injuries have transferred.

Thanks for the read and the notes! I suspect other readers and interested directors might feel similarly, where the ending could be more sinister. We've been contacted by several directors, and one very prominent one who would prefer to see the wife in the hospital in labor the whole time. We had a hard time seeing the story that way.

That's the urgency. The guy has to drive his pregnant wife whose about to give birth to the hospital. Without that, the story crumbles. Hopefully, it gets captured in that same way.

Wish you luck on getting a director and can't wait to see the final product.

Gabe

Don't have much more to say then what's already been said but I wanted to say that I really enjoyed the read! Great script! Right to the point, action right off the bat and extremely effective! Great job!

Hey no problem, the writing was still very clean and lean, let alone doing it in ONE day . I'm lucky if I can get 2 pages a day.

I totally get what your going for at the end. I think it's Luke's initial reaction to seeing the Victim kind of threw me off. Anyways, good luck on finding a director and can't wait to read further work from you guys.