On the Out by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Drama - A convict, freshly released from prison, finally finds a reason not to hate, only to have it snatched away from him. 5 pages - pdf, format

Very nicely executed for a non-dialogue piece. Good pace keeps everything moving and I like the heartbeat sound effect to denote how the con feels throughout. Nothing really to complain about. Straight forward but effective and the reality of the end hits home.

Just one more thing, I did at first think Landlady and Husband had a regular thing going, if you see what I mean, so I was surprised when husband got his own off the rack DVD, I mean, from the shelf. Perhaps if there was a peephole from one room into the other, and then our con spots him looking, and then slams him. It might add something to the vibe you already have going, just a thought...

I've read a few five page scripts lately and found myself commenting they were too short. I don't think that applies here. A lot happens.

It's grim. Very. But I don't mean that as an insult. But Jesus, Dustin, don't you ever fancy writing something a little lighter? Again, I'm not insulting, just intrigued. I think I'd get headaches if I wrote stuff this grim on a regular basis. Fair play, you seem to have no problem with it. I do kinda envy the productivity. My ideas come a little too few and far between to match.

I've seen dialogue in action lines before. Doesn't bother me much. I doubt some others will say the same.

I dunno about the heartbeat. As I read I was trying to be imagine it. It might work well. But overuse would be annoying. I know you're into the director thing, and this reads that way. Guess you'll find out in the edit.

I think I'd prefer if it was more spec script style, as it reads a bit more like a shooting script.

It's harsh. If you managed to get an actor who can bring along an audience during it, by that I mean they' be intrigued and/or interested in him, if you know what I mean, then it could be good. It rests on his shoulders. Certainly enough happens in it. Not bad at all.

R

Quoted from LC Very nicely executed for a non-dialogue piece. Good pace keeps everything moving and I like the heartbeat sound effect to denote how the con feels throughout. Nothing really to complain about. Straight forward but effective and the reality of the end hits home.

Yeah, it's a story oft repeated every day in the real world. Lost souls just needing some security in life. That may sound ironic, maybe even implausible but that's just my experience. I've found people to be very much products of their environment.

Quoted Text Just one more thing, I did at first think Landlady and Husband had a regular thing going, if you see what I mean, so I was surprised when husband got his own off the rack DVD, I mean, from the shelf. Perhaps if there was a peephole from one room into the other, and then our con spots him looking, and then slams him. It might add something to the vibe you already have going, just a thought...

Yes, I did consider that but didn't want to go too far in that direction.

Thanks for the read. This is just one of those stories I needed to get off my chest.

Quoted from rendevous I've read a few five page scripts lately and found myself commenting they were too short. I don't think that applies here. A lot happens. It's grim. Very. But I don't mean that as an insult. But Jesus, Dustin, don't you ever fancy writing something a little lighter? Again, I'm not insulting, just intrigued. I think I'd get headaches if I wrote stuff this grim on a regular basis. Fair play, you seem to have no problem with it. I do kinda envy the productivity. My ideas come a little too few and far between to match.

Whenever I finish first draft of a feature, I write something else, it'll either be another feature or a short. The feature I've finished is a heavy sci-fi and I needed to release some pent up stress. This short idea has been with me for a while and I tried to execute it once before but failed.

I actually envy writers that can do the ordinary stuff. Despite it not really being my genre I do love a story told well and like to be surprised. I suppose it comes down to writing what comes naturally. Whenever I try ordinary drama I quickly get bored and somebody has to die. If I were a writer at Eastenders they'd have to change the cast quite regularly, what with everyone ending up in jail or killed.

Quoted Text I've seen dialogue in action lines before. Doesn't bother me much. I doubt some others will say the same.

I just write now mate. What other writers do and don't like concerning my style choices doesn't bother me.

Quoted Text I dunno about the heartbeat. As I read I was trying to be imagine it. It might work well. But overuse would be annoying. I know you're into the director thing, and this reads that way. Guess you'll find out in the edit.

Overuse in writing it yes, but I think for five minutes on screen it should fly, maybe with some background music blended in a little later too, so the heartbeat becomes a bass line.

Quoted Text It's harsh. If you managed to get an actor who can bring along an audience during it, by that I mean they' be intrigued and/or interested in him, if you know what I mean, then it could be good. It rests on his shoulders. Certainly enough happens in it. Not bad at all.

I don't care if this one is produced or not if I'm honest, as I said earlier it's one of those stories I really needed to get off my chest. I could write a feature around it and there are countless features based around this subject matter already, but I feel the 5 pages says it all.

Well written, pacey, snappy, wraps up rather quick.

I do agree with it being rather grim but that's not an issue for me, I did laugh a few times because Convinct was a right fucking arsehole, screwing the Landlady and then fucking up the husband, what a dick.

My favorite line was...

The sneer gets buried behind a fist as Convict drives a
one-two into his face.

The visual there is pretty strong for me, I can just imagine somebody's fake tough guy smirk getting smashed right off their face, and them turning into a wimp.

Not much to say Dustin, me and Convict should hang out, lol

Hi Dustin

Haven't read the others, so this is with fresh eyes...

Ext jail - slug - I don't go on about see things but where am I? just to let you know I missed the EXT and thought I was inside,so a bit of extra detail like front entrance, yard etc would help

First visual is an audio sound. Just saying. Also I like to CAP a sound, especially if a sound. Note - this is vital to the story so worth making it clear.

Fifty measly quid - may have to translate for the Yanks, but actually I think this works. I get the message, the look of espair etc

Insert letter - wasn't clear to me. What we are seeing is written words. Should this be Insert sentence, or words

Fake tits - how do we know? Tits on show I can imagine...sort of.  You know, an offering etc  she wants it (that is so un PC ! ) That would be an image, an intent.

Afterward that I didn't have much to add other than this got busy. In a good way.

Actually very busy. Almost a tad random. We could be left with the why are we here? Why is this happening etc?

This doesn't seem to follow a story line, a common thread. Why does he go to the dealer? and what is the connection with the pub? More of a haphazard series of events. Which is fine, but for that I feel you need a foreshadow. A sense of this is what the story is about, which we discover later.

For example, on the way out of the jail he could play heads and tails with an officer over, say, a coke. He loses. He laughs. He doesn't care. Life is random. You will do better than that idea, but that's where it needs a little setting up.

Gritty, powerful and I like the basis, but on reflection,  it needs a theme, a purpose. And I'm not sure that comes across...but it can.

I'm sure you will disagree, as I feel you have a driver in this, but that's my view

All the best

Well said RV...


"But Jesus, Dustin, don't you ever fancy writing something a little lighter? "


Rom com for Dustin next time.!!

Quoted from Max Well written, pacey, snappy, wraps up rather quick. I do agree with it being rather grim but that's not an issue for me, I did laugh a few times because Convinct was a right fucking arsehole, screwing the Landlady and then fucking up the husband, what a dick.

I had to show it like that because that's how it is. These guys aren't heroes. They take advantage of the weak.

Quoted Text My favorite line was... The sneer gets buried behind a fist as Convict drives a one-two into his face. The visual there is pretty strong for me, I can just imagine somebody's fake tough guy smirk getting smashed right off their face, and them turning into a wimp. Not much to say Dustin, me and Convict should hang out, lol

They say real recognises real. Fake wannabes get hit every day. They're the best target market. Robbing a dealer is hardly going to be reported to anybody aside from maybe his mates who are only with him because of the cheap supply and probably gutless. I was going to end it with he getting a beating off the Dealer's mates but, although sometimes it can go like that, the end of the circle is he going back to jail. I was going to go on and on, listing various crimes, but there's only so much a short can handle.

The Dealer was an idiot for opening the door to someone he doesn't know like that. Maybe I should put a tool in his hand and he still gets decked.

I don't know about hanging out with Convict though mate, those guys are dangerous, guys with nothing to lose. Jail nor death frightens them. Avoid or they might take you with them.

Dealers ain't nobody to fuck with tho, the proper dealers I'm on about... not some pussy selling a bit of weed.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Hi Dustin Haven't read the others, so this is with fresh eyes... Ext jail - slug - I don't go on about see things but where am I? just to let you know I missed the EXT and thought I was inside,so a bit of extra detail like front entrance, yard etc would help

I've got to disagree with you mate. EXT. JAIL, says it all. Going further to explain what the outside of a jail looks like would be tantamount to describing trees in EXT. FOREST. The fact that you missed it and don't know what the outside of a jail looks like is purely your fault. Most people know what the outside of a jail looks like, or can imagine one. Maybe it's an iron gate, or a HMP sign... doesn't matter, we're outside a jail as is clear from the slug. I'm not down with unnecessary description.

Quoted Text First visual is an audio sound. Just saying. Also I like to CAP a sound, especially if a sound. Note - this is vital to the story so worth making it clear.

It's clear already. I don't like to CAP.

Quoted Text Fifty measly quid - may have to translate for the Yanks, but actually I think this works. I get the message, the look of espair etc

I haven't written it for the Americans.

Quoted Text Insert letter - wasn't clear to me. What we are seeing is written words. Should this be Insert sentence, or words

He's outside the probation office and he's holding a letter in his hand. We then insert the letter. I think it's clear.

Quoted Text Fake tits - how do we know? Tits on show I can imagine...sort of.  You know, an offering etc  she wants it (that is so un PC ! ) That would be an image, an intent.

She's in her 50s and they are firm as fuck.

Quoted Text Afterward that I didn't have much to add other than this got busy. In a good way. Actually very busy. Almost a tad random. We could be left with the why are we here? Why is this happening etc?

A lot of the time things aren't planned. Especially with the character I'm writing about. They just feel hate and anger because they've got shit and nobody loves them. They don't think, they just do, and you better not be in the way when they do.

Quoted Text This doesn't seem to follow a story line, a common thread.

But it does... you just don't get it. It's a very common story told daily in the courts up and down the country.

Quoted Text Why does he go to the dealer?

He happens upon the deal and robs him. That's how shit happens sometimes. It's not Ocean's 11.

Quoted Text and what is the connection with the pub?

It just got in his way.

Quoted Text More of a haphazard series of events. Which is fine, but for that I feel you need a foreshadow. A sense of this is what the story is about, which we discover later.

I disagree. I'm not writing a story exactly, but more a real set of events, like a real life story.

Quoted Text For example, on the way out of the jail he could play heads and tails with an officer over, say, a coke.

Understanding the character the way I do, I highly doubt that he'd play heads and tails with an Officer over a coke of his way out of the jail. Even anything like that is unnecessary. The story is a basic circle and quite a popular one... it's how I perceive the cycle of going in and out of jail and I wouldn't want to mar that by adding too much story. I couldn't possibly do it as a short anyway.

This kid comes from nowhere, has got nobody and has never had anybody. His life is fucked and has always been fucked so he hits out at the world and takes whatever he wants without conscience. Of course, the conscience comes later.

Quoted Text Gritty, powerful and I like the basis, but on reflection,  it needs a theme, a purpose. And I'm not sure that comes across...but it can. I'm sure you will disagree, as I feel you have a driver in this, but that's my view All the best

No worries mate, thanks for sharing. Even if I don't agree with you now, I'll continue to turn what you've said over in mind and may well change my opinion later down the line. Thanks for being honest.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I've got to disagree with you mate. EXT. JAIL, says it all. Going further to explain what the outside of a jail looks like would be tantamount to describing trees in EXT. FOREST. The fact that you missed it and don't know what the outside of a jail looks like is purely your fault. Most people know what the outside of a jail looks like, or can imagine one. Maybe it's an iron gate, or a HMP sign... doesn't matter, we're outside a jail as is clear from the slug. I'm not down with unnecessary description. It's clear already. I don't like to CAP. I haven't written it for the Americans. He's outside the probation office and he's holding a letter in his hand. We then insert the letter. I think it's clear. She's in her 50s and they are firm as fuck. A lot of the time things aren't planned. Especially with the character I'm writing about. They just feel hate and anger because they've got shit and nobody loves them. They don't think, they just do, and you better not be in the way when they do. But it does... you just don't get it. It's a very common story told daily in the courts up and down the country. He happens upon the deal and robs him. That's how shit happens sometimes. It's not Ocean's 11. It just got in his way. I disagree. I'm not writing a story exactly, but more a real set of events, like a real life story. Understanding the character the way I do, I highly doubt that he'd play heads and tails with an Officer over a coke of his way out of the jail. Even anything like that is unnecessary. The story is a basic circle and quite a popular one... it's how I perceive the cycle of going in and out of jail and I wouldn't want to mar that by adding too much story. I couldn't possibly do it as a short anyway. This kid comes from nowhere, has got nobody and has never had anybody. His life is fucked and has always been fucked so he hits out at the world and takes whatever he wants without conscience. Of course, the conscience comes later. No worries mate, thanks for sharing. Even if I don't agree with you now, I'll continue to turn what you've said over in mind and may well change my opinion later down the line. Thanks for being honest.

Thought I would touch you with my wise words  

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Thought I would touch you with my wise words

So long as you keep your trousers on, it's all good.

Good of you to write a script with no dialogue. My first script here at SS was one as well. Taught me a lot. I also used a heartbeat to convey the bad guy's emotions.

One thing I did not do was use everything silent besides the heartbeat. That's what you intended here, right?

I think you did a good job here and I also think your writing has come a long way. The story is complete. One of a vicious cycle and how hard it can be after you get out of prison. You're on your own. A sink or swim deal and unfortunately, I think a lot of them seem to sink. Meaning, they end back inside.

It was very violent, but you know what? I have you beat there. Mine was even more violent. Lol! No one ever made mine, but some people still remember it. I imagine some people will remember this one as well.  

Great job!

Quoted from Grandma Bear Good of you to write a script with no dialogue. My first script here at SS was one as well. Taught me a lot. I also used a heartbeat to convey the bad guy's emotions. One thing I did not do was use everything silent besides the heartbeat. That's what you intended here, right? I think you did a good job here and I also think your writing has come a long way. The story is complete. One of a vicious cycle and how hard it can be after you get out of prison. You're on your own. A sink or swim deal and unfortunately, I think a lot of them seem to sink. Meaning, they end back inside. It was very violent, but you know what? I have you beat there. Mine was even more violent. Lol! No one ever made mine, but some people still remember it. I imagine some people will remember this one as well.   Great job!

I did have a vision of it completely silent aside from the heart beat, I was even going to list it as a silent film, but I think some subtle music in time with the tempo of the heart rate might work well too. Still makes it a silent film though I suppose... but yeah. I see it as quite an arty film, despite the subject matter.

This is actually my 3rd no dialogue script. I've written a martial arts and a horror one too.

Thanks for the read Pia, much appreciated. I'm not too bothered if it never gets made, some stories we just need to tell.

Btw, I liked the violence in this one Dustin as well, I'm always down with some teeth smashing goodness.

Maybe you should've added a curbstomp in there somewhere.

You stay up late Max. I'm knackered by midnight usually.

I tend to write violence really well, probably because I've seen so much of it. I don't like to be cliche though, I like to keep it real. That curb stomp in American History X is something I'll never forget but would never want to imitate in one of my own stories. I prefer to borrow from real life rather than film. But that was good. Probably something the writer himself borrowed from a real life event, but that's his story. I think I'd feel dirty if I used something like that. I don't like the feeling I'm getting right now just from the idea of it. It's such a specialised piece of violence that if I used it everyone would be taken to American History X rather than concentrating on what I want them to see.

Hey Dustin,
     I am gonna give this a read.  I've read some of the comments, so, this should be interesting.

1. Question, you say a steady heartbeat, which I imagine him to be calm, like the 60 beats per second, the average, but, then you say his muscles are filled with rage, which implies that his heart beat should be faster, more savage.  Just my opinion.

2.  Wait, so, they have sex while her husband watches TV???????????

3.  So, she's having sex and he's watching a porno and jacking off, interesting.

4.  One question.  You suggested that I had far too many asides that couldn't be filmable.  Such as she feels the blade enter her back.  

I get that, but, you have a lot of asides.  How do we show stuff like "what does he want now"

So, I guess my question is, why is it okay here, but, not when I did it?
Just to be clear, I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm trying to learn why it works, but, mine didn't.  By learning these things, it can help me make the choices for my stories be the best they can be.

It was dark, no doubt.  

I guess my biggest issue is why?  I get he's pissed that everyone failed him.  He has nowhere to go.  

I also get the fact that it has no dialog, which is really pretty cool, and yet, it was a fast easy read.  I was really impressed with that.  I thought it'd be a hard read, but, it wasn't.

The story was raw, intense, but, why?  Why would he go on a path of terror to end up back in jail, or dead?  

I don't know if you've ever done coke or have known anyone who has, but, his heartbeat won't calm down.  It's a stimulant and it'd be racing like 200 beats per min so, he wouldn't be calm with the girlfriend.  He'd be stomping around, bouncing off the walls like a manic person would.  

I've seen people on too much coke and it isn't pretty.  And why didn't he overdose on it?  It sure seems like he would have.

Like I said, I get the story, I just don't know what his goal was.  Just to be a god and determine who lives, who dies, mass chaos etc?  

Good luck with it Dustin.

Dan

He's filled with rage because he is angry at the world around him. When in jail one learns to hold the rage down, but it's there all the same, which is why it kicks off so much inside. Somebody is always getting beaten or stabbed, couple that with being confined and one just learns to hold shit down, keep it just beneath the surface.

I never once mentioned your asides mate. That must have been somebody else.

In regard to 'what does he want now?' that can be shown as a look on the actor's face, which is down to them to convey. The context and the look should convey that statement. I disagree that it isn't filmable.

I've taken lots and lots of coke, mate. In the past, of course. I don't think my heart would cope with it these days. I think anyone 40+ should avoid cocaine. I've slept while high on coke and X. Your heart rate will still rise and calm while high on coke... at least, in my experience it does. I was quite regular on it at one time but stopped as it was causing psychosis. I was getting paranoid and forgetting things. It's worse than weed when you take the shit every day.

The point of the story is that it is pointless. These guys get out of jail with nothing and end up back in the same old circle that wound them up there in the first place. For many they simply don't know any other way. They can't work for the man as they want to be free from those type of societal constraints. So in their search for freedom, they ironically end up in jail. Most are just confused. Don't realise that they are where they are because society needs a counterbalance. You cannot have haves without have nots.

Quoted from DustinBowcot You cannot have haves without have nots.

I think that was a Cervantes quote. Bloody hell. We'll all be sitting round the fireplace sipping wine in velvet jackets whilst puffing on pipes next.

Until I read Pia's review, and your response, I didn't realise this would be mainly silent, apart from the heartbeat. At first I liked this idea. For a start it's brave, and that's always good.

I remember the stories about people going into see The Artist, then walking out five minutes after it started when they realised it was silent. No dinner jackets and Cervantes quotes round their house.

I think the effects of coke are complicated. It depends on who is taking it, how addicted they are, what else they've taken and what state of mind they are in. There's also artistic licence to consider. The heartbeat won't always reflect exactly how is heart is beating all the time. Sometimes it's meant to say something, or reflect something.

Now I think I'd prefer it if there were some other sounds. But it's all subjective. At first I wasn't exactly happy that this was so grim and pointless. But as you say, that is the whole point. It's growing on me. I think if it was filmed well with the right guy in the role, this could be very good.

R

Yeah you're right regarding the artistic license. I did think of that as well, I just got over excited at all the talk of cocaine and forgot to add it. You're right in regard to that too.

The silent thing could work as this film might only last five minutes. I also imagine it set to music. I like all types of music, but I particularly like the modern electronic stuff, much of it is like classical music in that it tells a story. I think classical would be too dated for this, although the idea seems good in respect to contrast, I'm not sure it would work. Modern day dubstep or trap seems right.

Definitely take the right actor. As Dan pointed out, how do you film somebody filled with rage but a steady heart beat? The guy has to look and be the part. Some experience in the area would be handy, but finding one not lost to madness would prove difficult.

Popek Monster would fill the role of Convict Dustin, google him.

Solid writing as usual. Fucking depressing as usual.

The main character didn't do anything for me, if the Convict was indeed the main. I can see how you have been progressing with your short exercising and that's a good thing.

As far as no dialog, these don't seem to be the class of people that wouldn't say anything at all. If that makes any sense.

Also, that's a pretty dumb ass dealer who lets himself get ambushed like that, his bitches' tits out and all - which I enjoyed. Dealers are usually paronoid fucks. Wasn't sure about the paper bag part in the jail cell. Was the convict looking to avenge himself on the dealer? Was the girlfriend his ex?

Anyway,

Quick moving, short read. Note taken with that - more writers need to copy.

GL

Tony.

Quoted from Max Popek Monster would fill the role of Convict Dustin, google him.

Yeah... he'd be perfect. Nobody would want to come across that guy on a bad day. I bet underneath the look he's a cool guy too. Looks like he's got his head about him but also knows what it's like to have nothing. This part would take somebody with that perfect mix.

My first read of a script without dialogue - glad I did - the visuals were outstanding.

There were times where I thought a heart beat was the right overlay sound but other times where I thought a clock (TICK TOCK) would have worked better - i.e., it's just a matter of time before he goes back to where he started is what I took from the story.

Anyway - very nice action/description.

Quoted from TonyDionisio Solid writing as usual. Fucking depressing as usual. The main character didn't do anything for me, if the Convict was indeed the main. I can see how you have been progressing with your short exercising and that's a good thing. As far as no dialog, these don't seem to be the class of people that wouldn't say anything at all. If that makes any sense. Also, that's a pretty dumb ass dealer who lets himself get ambushed like that, his bitches' tits out and all - which I enjoyed. Dealers are usually paronoid fucks. Wasn't sure about the paper bag part in the jail cell. Was the convict looking to avenge himself on the dealer? Was the girlfriend his ex? Anyway, Quick moving, short read. Note taken with that - more writers need to copy. GL Tony.

Yeah you're right about the Dealer. I think that should be changed to he holding a weapon, make it more realistic.

The story starts outside the jail and the brown envelope is what they used to give people when they got out, containing enough unemployment money to last a week. Not sure how much they exactly get, it used to be around £40-50 (around $60-$75). The more savvy ones would have applied for clothing grants and probably come out with a few hundred. But you need to know the system.

There's no relationship to the drug dealer or his girlfriend, but I can see why that would be a consideration.

Thanks for the read and review, mate.

Quoted from eldave1 My first read of a script without dialogue - glad I did - the visuals were outstanding. There were times where I thought a heart beat was the right overlay sound but other times where I thought a clock (TICK TOCK) would have worked better - i.e., it's just a matter of time before he goes back to where he started is what I took from the story. Anyway - very nice action/description.

I like the Tick Tock thing... there could probably be a way of working them in together, like overlapping them.

Although silent, I think the music could play a large part in this and it would be fairly simple to add clock and heart beats in the mix.

Thanks for the read and advice mate, much appreciated.

Btw Dustin, what prog do you write with?

Celtx. The desktop version. I'm using a LINUX OS though so haven't seen any incompatibility issues just yet. I know some Windows users experience troubles with the desktop version sometimes but it's cool for me.

Final Draft looks horrible on the script I just uploaded, it's smudgy black writing.

Whereas your scripts look all light and fluffy, not that it matters but I would like that for aesthetics.

You got the free version yeah?

Quoted from Max Final Draft looks horrible on the script I just uploaded, it's smudgy black writing. Whereas your scripts look all light and fluffy, not that it matters but I would like that for aesthetics. You got the free version yeah?

Celtx is free.  I use it.  The only difference now is that there is no more computer only mod.  It's all on their site now, but, for the most part, their site is usually up.  The mods are pretty friendly.  They answer questions quickly.  Don't expect anything to get read tho, no one reads jack.  Or if they do, they give you bad ratings so their stories jump above yours.  

They are supposed to have some now stuff coming in the future...

Like  i said, I use celtx and it's free and I like it.

Dan

Just search for 'desktop celtx' and you'll get a downloadable version. Here's one for Windows:

http://celtx.en.softonic.com/download

Wow. That was intense, Dustin. Everybody pretty much covered it all. Was this a burst of inspiration, gotta sit down and bang it out, here you go kind of script? It ssemed almost like a stream of consciousness that just flowed and you scrambled to capture it. If so, amazing work in such a limited time. Either way, it should be fairly easy/inexpensive to shoot.

BTW, those of us yanks that worked with your fellow countrymen or even watched BBC productions on a regular basis growing up know what quid means. Besides, write it how you feel it. So, keep 'em coming.

Ian

Quoted from Iancou Wow. That was intense, Dustin. Everybody pretty much covered it all. Was this a burst of inspiration, gotta sit down and bang it out, here you go kind of script? It ssemed almost like a stream of consciousness that just flowed and you scrambled to capture it. If so, amazing work in such a limited time. Either way, it should be fairly easy/inexpensive to shoot. BTW, those of us yanks that worked with your fellow countrymen or even watched BBC productions on a regular basis growing up know what quid means. Besides, write it how you feel it. So, keep 'em coming. Ian

I wasn't going to submit this at one point because it felt exactly that, more a stream of consciousness than an actual story. I was ready to take a bashing for it. So, surprised to see it go down fairly well.

It's an idea that's been pinned to my ideas board for quite some time now under the working title Jail Date. I chose On the Out, because it is British prison slang for having one's freedom.

Thanks for the read mate.

Quoted from DustinBowcot ... It's an idea that's been pinned to my ideas board for quite some time now under the working title Jail Date. I chose On the Out, because it is British prison slang for having one's freedom.  ...

Just curious, Dustin, from one pedant to another - is 'gaol' (spelling) now obsolete, as in, are Her Majesty's now referred to as 'jails'? Perhaps only some Aussie and Irish lock-ups remain as that...

Quoted from LC Just curious, Dustin, from one pedant to another - is 'gaol' (spelling) now obsolete, as in, are Her Majesty's now referred to as 'jails'? Perhaps only some Aussie and Irish lock-ups remain as that...

Dustin's been Americanized  

Although you'll get gangs in and around London/Birmingham that refer to it as "pen" or "bin", those terms are frequent in Grime music as well.

For example:

"I ain't tryna' to catch life in the bin, cause some hench guy was on a hype tryna' swing"

Yeah, Prison works just as well, lol.

Quoted from Max Dustin's been Americanized   Although you'll get gangs in and around London/Birmingham that refer to it as "pen" or "bin", those terms are frequent in Grime music as well. For example: "I ain't tryna' to catch life in the bin, cause some hench guy was on a hype tryna' swing" Yeah, Prison works just as well, lol.

I can't see it somehow, unless it's a deliberate choice.

And Fen, what you're talking about in those last couple of lines is slang - I'm just talking about the Queen's English - i.e., Jail and Gaol. Not making a big deal out of it, just curious.

Quoted from LC I can't see it somehow, unless it's a deliberate choice. And Fen, what you're talking about in those last couple of lines is slang - I'm just talking about the Queen's English - i.e., Jail and Gaol. Not making a big deal out of it, just curious.

Oh right.

Would just be "prison" then I guess, never gets called jail over here.

Quoted from LC Just curious, Dustin, from one pedant to another - is 'gaol' (spelling) now obsolete, as in, are Her Majesty's now referred to as 'jails'? Perhaps only some Aussie and Irish lock-ups remain as that...

Yeah jails. Nobody really remembers the gaol spelling any more.

Truesay.

Btw, you ever got any feedback from BBC Writers Room?

Yes I did. I got to the final and only received positive praise. To be honest mate, I pretty much know what I'm doing now. People either like my stories or they don't. It's not down to a case of not being able to write. Much like yourself.

If you do enter competitions mate and you get some no-mark, the guys are making around $5 an hour, try to tell you what's wrong with your script. Ignore it. The advice of anyone paid $5 isn't worth anything near the advice you can get here for free.

Well, I don't think my writing is that great, it's rather simple and lacking emotion... or any sort of oomph.

I'm not looking to get anything made, although it would be nice.  I think maybe this is more your thing than it is mine, I'm not involved with any productions, I just write and post here.

Interesting offshoot topic you got going on. Round here ‘Jail’ is usually a temporary lockdown until your court hearing, but (after sentencing) when the Sheriff transports you to a Provincial or Federal Correctional Facility; then people usually refer to it as ‘Prison’. A relative of mine, who works at a Maximum Federal lockdown facility, has only ever (affectionately) referred to it as ‘The Joint’. I think the naming convention subtly changes from region to region, and of course your position within its walls.

Anyway, this is a very compelling piece you’ve written here Dustin; an emotional gauntlet, if you will. I believe you could make it work on so many levels, and even more so because you’re bringing a level of ideology that most (people) within society will never truly understand.

I’ve worked with at risk youth for many years now, and always fall prey to their unfortunate predicament of being ‘Good Kids’ in a ‘Bad Environment’. Only now is society taking into consideration that many of these individuals suffer from mild or severe FASD, and have (all their life) inadvertently become perfect scapegoats when someone needs to point a finger. The cycle of violence you captured here is a great example to show how these individuals simply get lost in the system.

Quoted from DustinBowcot The silent thing could work as this film might only last five minutes. I also imagine it set to music.

Not sure if you’ve seen this, I think it’s brilliant. It really gives clarity on how cinema is a trick of the mind, and how a well choreographed series of events can capture our attention with minimal or no dialog.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSNwudFGUOU

Perhaps it will stir something within as to how you might play this out. Cheers and good luck!

I notice you deleted (or edited) a post of yours Dustin, truesay I read it before it went and I won't repeat it.

Nothing to be ashamed of brother, do your ting and keep writing, ain't no hate or judgement from my end.

The writing speaks for itself and you'll be judged on that alone.

Shit bruh, what else can I say? Keep it moving, bang out scripts and that's it!

Quoted from Gum Interesting offshoot topic you got going on. Round here ‘Jail’ is usually a temporary lockdown until your court hearing, but (after sentencing) when the Sheriff transports you to a Provincial or Federal Correctional Facility; then people usually refer to it as ‘Prison’. A relative of mine, who works at a Maximum Federal lockdown facility, has only ever (affectionately) referred to it as ‘The Joint’. I think the naming convention subtly changes from region to region, and of course your position within its walls.

Here it's just jail, no matter where or what. We have long term jails like Long Lartin which is a cat A jail, but also houses cat B prisoners that are considered too dangerous for the standard Cat C jails. Our lowest category is D, which is where inmates may work occasionally outside the prison gates, get home leave, play sports in other prisons, even open jail, which is where there is only a little green fence that a six-year-old could scale. It's all pretty much just jail though.

Quoted Text Anyway, this is a very compelling piece you’ve written here Dustin; an emotional gauntlet, if you will. I believe you could make it work on so many levels, and even more so because you’re bringing a level of ideology that most (people) within society will never truly understand.

Thanks. I wasn't sure how it would go down. I imagine there have been readers that are less sympathetic that haven't replied and I get their side too. Which is also why I didn't want to romanticise it.

Quoted Text I’ve worked with at risk youth for many years now, and always fall prey to their unfortunate predicament of being ‘Good Kids’ in a ‘Bad Environment’. Only now is society taking into consideration that many of these individuals suffer from mild or severe FASD, and have (all their life) inadvertently become perfect scapegoats when someone needs to point a finger. The cycle of violence you captured here is a great example to show how these individuals simply get lost in the system.

Yeah, I'd say it's probably about as high as 99% that are just ordinary guys deep down. There is always the 1% that are just plain evil... probably less than that, but you get my point. I've met a few guys over the years that I know to stay away from after 5 minutes of talking to them. Some just have a death wish and are just too far gone to help.

Quoted Text Not sure if you’ve seen this, I think it’s brilliant. It really gives clarity on how cinema is a trick of the mind, and how a well choreographed series of events can capture our attention with minimal or no dialog. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSNwudFGUOU Perhaps it will stir something within as to how you might play this out. Cheers and good luck!

No, I hadn't seen that, thanks. I'll bear it in mind. Thanks for the read and review.

Quoted from Max The writing speaks for itself and you'll be judged on that alone.

If only that were true.

Cheers though mate, appreciated.

Hey Dustin,

An interesting no dialogue piece. I saw it as a "look on the other side" to a different kind of world. Felt raw and the writing flew by. There was a slight feeling of too much explicitness of sex and violence for only 5 pages, although I can see the importance of those scenes. The girl not being topless could probably work without a real loss out of those.

Really liked this line:

Quoted Text He blaming her and she, him.

I don't really have anything to add to the comments that hasn't already been said, but I think the heartbeat is one of the cleverest things I've read in a while. Unique way to make us understand convict's side, effectively and faster than with words or added scenes.

Gl with this.

Quoted from DS Hey Dustin, An interesting no dialogue piece. I saw it as a "look on the other side" to a different kind of world. Felt raw and the writing flew by. There was a slight feeling of too much explicitness of sex and violence for only 5 pages, although I can see the importance of those scenes. The girl not being topless could probably work without a real loss out of those. Really liked this line: I don't really have anything to add to the comments that hasn't already been said, but I think the heartbeat is one of the cleverest things I've read in a while. Unique way to make us understand convict's side, effectively and faster than with words or added scenes. Gl with this.

The girl being topless makes for a good visual, not in sexual terms (although that as well) but more to add to her vulnerability. The black eye does it, but I think she being topless is the proverbial icing in that regard. It finishes the visual, so it is certain.

Thanks for the read and review, mate. Much appreciated.

Dustin

“Convict glares in disgust then stamps on Husband’s head, his
chest, his head, his head...”

- I like the repetition of "his head" here for emphasis...presuming it was intentional.

“Landlady tries to stop him from hurting her Husband. Convict
headbutts her, shoves her back onto the bed before dragging
Husband in there too.”

- A small thing but shouldn't it be "over there" since he's dragging him toward the bed?

“Landlady and Husband lie, tied on the bed, looking into each
other’s eyes. He blaming her and she, him.”

- I take it we'll find out later but what grounds does Landlady have to blame Husband? Right now she seems chiefly responsible for this situation.

“Convict rips open the wrap, snorts some and throws the rest
into his mouth.”

- Ha, very Crank-esque with the heartbeat and frantic adrenaline/anger/hate (and now coke) fuelled actions of the lead character as he goes from encounter to encounter.

“Dealer sobs... what more does this guy want?”

- You could lose some of these asides, not because I don't like them as a breach of format or whatever, I just think they undermine the brutal nihilism of this particular script. I appreciate you are going all out here, no holds bar which I reckon would be complimented by pairing back the prose to be as efficient and ruthless as Convict himself.

These personalized touches in the prose feel like you are offering some reprieve or explanation to offset the horrible things we're witnessing. It’s almost like you are trying to inject some humanity to wholly inhumane proceedings which only serves to undermine them and the impact of the reading experience overall.

It would be far more effective to have the form reflect the content. For example, I like your functional approach to naming characters according to their role: Convict, Landlady, Girlfriend, etc. This is a creative choice which is sync with the tone of the script.

Unfortunately, the ending was a letdown for me. I get you are showing the self inflicted, vicious circle this guy is trapped in. He's presumably been in an out of jail most of his life, just not fit for society and will continually re-offend in a never ending carousel of releases and arrests.

Reminded me somewhat of Bronson, Scum, Made is Britain and as I said, Crank.

Plus, I liked his moment of connection he experiences with Girlfriend, it had its own terrible beauty about it, a nice touch.

However, I was hoping for something more than just showing us this cycle. It’s been done before, nothing very new in that respect thus it feels a little pointless, a missed opportunity. In fairness, I don’t know what you could do with this nutter besides getting him killed or thrown back in prison but I still yearned for a more substantial conclusion with less re-threading of familiar themes.

On the other hand, I did love the energy and frantic nature of it as we follow Convict on his rampage. Despite some of the explanatory asides which I feel detract from the kinetic flow of the piece it was an exhilarating read...but much like a line of charlie, the effect is thrilling yet short lived, leaving one ultimately unsatisfied and wanting more...and perhaps that's the point here.

Oh and I thought you would call back to Landlady and Husband because it was probably the longest but definitely the most random sequence in the script. I figured there was some back-story, some history between them which might shed light on why things went down the way they did but we don't get any indication of that.

I got the impression, given the world in which this takes place, that they could be related, possibly parents and son but this is only my own perverse speculation. A violence begets violence type of thing. Perhaps they were merely strangers who happened to own the pub that out of all the joints, in all the towns, in all the world, Convict walked into theirs.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Dustin “Convict glares in disgust then stamps on Husband’s head, his chest, his head, his head...” - I like the repetition of "his head" here for emphasis...presuming it was intentional.

Yes it was intentional but I meant it to read that he stamped on the head twice, not for emphasis, but I'm glad that it works either way.

Quoted Text “Landlady tries to stop him from hurting her Husband. Convict headbutts her, shoves her back onto the bed before dragging Husband in there too.” - A small thing but shouldn't it be "over there" since he's dragging him toward the bed?

I meant into the bedroom, but yeah it does read clunky. I'll change to your suggestion.

Quoted Text “Landlady and Husband lie, tied on the bed, looking into each other’s eyes. He blaming her and she, him.” - I take it we'll find out later but what grounds does Landlady have to blame Husband? Right now she seems chiefly responsible for this situation.

Just a little joke on my part. Women have a tendency to blame the man for everything even when it isn't their fault. She blames him because if it wasn't for him she wouldn't have to look for outside sources to satisfy her.

Quoted Text “Convict rips open the wrap, snorts some and throws the rest into his mouth.” - Ha, very Crank-esque with the heartbeat and frantic adrenaline/anger/hate (and now coke) fuelled actions of the lead character as he goes from encounter to encounter.

Ah, I didn't consider Crank on this, but I suppose it does use a similar tone.

Quoted Text “Dealer sobs... what more does this guy want?” - You could lose some of these asides, not because I don't like them as a breach of format or whatever, I just think they undermine the brutal nihilism of this particular script. I appreciate you are going all out here, no holds bar which I reckon would be complimented by pairing back the prose to be as efficient and ruthless as Convict himself.

I didn't consider it as that brutal, kinda light really... I'll consider your suggestion.

Quoted Text These personalized touches in the prose feel like you are offering some reprieve or explanation to offset the horrible things we're witnessing. It’s almost like you are trying to inject some humanity to wholly inhumane proceedings which only serves to undermine them and the impact of the reading experience overall.

I better not try and write horrible things then, lol. It'll end up being too sick to handle most likely. I don't want people to be freaked out by it, I just want to show what it's like from that side. Some of those guys actually get scared about coming out, not because they are institutionalised, but because when they get out they haven't got a pot to piss in. Love the history behind that phrase. So perhaps I have subconsciously placed the humanity in there so the viewer understands this is educational rather than glorified violence.

Quoted Text Unfortunately, the ending was a letdown for me. I get you are showing the self inflicted, vicious circle this guy is trapped in. He's presumably been in an out of jail most of his life, just not fit for society and will continually re-offend in a never ending carousel of releases and arrests. Reminded me somewhat of Bronson, Scum, Made is Britain and as I said, Crank. Plus, I liked his moment of connection he experiences with Girlfriend, it had its own terrible beauty about it, a nice touch. However, I was hoping for something more than just showing us this cycle. It’s been done before, nothing very new in that respect thus it feels a little pointless, a missed opportunity. In fairness, I don’t know what you could do with this nutter besides getting him killed or thrown back in prison but I still yearned for a more substantial conclusion with less re-threading of familiar themes.

I wanted to tell a story about the cycle of going in and out of jail. Be a little difficult to do that if at the end he didn't go back to jail. It would kinda defeat the whole point of me writing it.

Quoted Text On the other hand, I did love the energy and frantic nature of it as we follow Convict on his rampage. Despite some of the explanatory asides which I feel detract from the kinetic flow of the piece it was an exhilarating read...but much like a line of charlie, the effect is thrilling yet short lived, leaving one ultimately unsatisfied and wanting more...and perhaps that's the point here.

Not exactly. The point is that it is pointless. This is not a story in the traditional sense, more a retelling of events that could be true. Indeed, if I were writing the truth, it would be a much tougher script.

Quoted Text Oh and I thought you would call back to Landlady and Husband because it was probably the longest but definitely the most random sequence in the script. I figured there was some back-story, some history between them which might shed light on why things went down the way they did but we don't get any indication of that. I got the impression, given the world in which this takes place, that they could be related, possibly parents and son but this is only my own perverse speculation. A violence begets violence type of thing. Perhaps they were merely strangers who happened to own the pub that out of all the joints, in all the towns, in all the world, Convict walked into theirs.

All of those thoughts went through my mind too, but I wanted to stay away from traditional story telling methods with this and simply relate what it's like for guys (and girls) in this type of circular behaviour.

Thanks for the read mate and lengthy review, all good points for me to think on as usual. Much appreciated.