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Like the set-up. A darkly comic situation and dead-pan delivery that I could see a couple of comic actors having fun with. Thought the ending would carry more punch or a twist than it did - fell flat for me. Perhaps more amusing on-screen with the music backing it up..?
Is it important we know where the breakfast bar is in relation to the room? It’s a niggle, but for the life of me that opening visual doesn’t quite click.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Your script was entertaining, and you managed to make a dark subject lighthearted, which I liked. You started off really badly on your title page though, as a space should be under 'by'. Not a great first impression, lol. Maybe you could think of something to make your story more unique.
So, this short was filmed again with a North American crew, and it just went public in an online film festival. It's amazing to see how the same source material can end up so wildly different.
Congrats! I think I like this one better than the first one. I don't think I've read the script, just watched the films, but I imagine the script must have been fun.
Good going! I like both versions - very different.
Didn't like the ending (not in your script) the filmmakers added to the latest. The comedic version sits better with me but I suppose that's personal preference.
Must feel good being in demand. It's a really enjoyable script (just read it). A pity those Queen royalties would cost so much. Got that song in my head now. Pictured it, loved it!
I'm just happy to be a part of people getting things made. I was fascinated with this being done twice though, that's a rare opportunity and I'm stoked by it.
Whatever music I throw into a script, I expect to settle for whatever the rights & clearances people can swing with the budget. It's just to convey my intent, not a plot point.