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What a depressing short lol. Man, could Jim and Wendy's sex lives be any more boring? Jk - I liked it. I couldn't personally relate to this because I'm a little young and I just don't see my sex life dying down so drastically and becoming so predictable lol or OMG... I don't know... just no.
I liked your dialogue and their relationship. It felt unforced and they were cute without being overly cutesy, lovey-dovey.
You do have some issues of using passive verbiage - On the first page you have wearing, staring, rubbing, etc. That continues on throughout. I, myself, just learned this but try to avoid this. Big no-no and you'll be called out on this.
I got a little concerned during your massage scene. You almost switched into full-on passive writing:
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. <- should be caresses, works, and stops,
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. <- proceeds, works, passes
Then, he moved up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over onto his back and became silent. <- moves, stops, continues, stops, rolls, becomes.
I think you get it? Ask for help if you get a little stumped, no biggy, I sure needed a little guidance. Still do!
WENDY (CONT'D) Wow. Have been watching videos.
^you're missing a 'you'
It was a good read, buddy. The last bit where Wendy rolls over and Jim isn't there made me kinda well... depressed. It's really sad to think about growing old with your life partner and then boom, one day, just not there. Depressing.
Nice read. Some of it could be cleaned up but nothing too major.
I liked your last short so when I saw this one posted, I had to take a look.
Not too much to add that Oney hasn't already in terms of writing. Some of the action lines are a bit overwritten for me.
For example, "Wendy picks up a box of matches and lights the one and only candle that rests on the window sill." could be written, "Wendy lights the single candle on the window sill." Just a suggestion.
I really liked the story. It started off pretty hot...and then got HOTTER! I'm kidding. It was great to see the flare of their sex life slowly diminish while their love only grew stronger. The ending did hurt though and I didn't really think Wendy would sigh at Jim's empty side. I actually think she would smile as if she knows she will see him again very soon. Just a thought but I think humorous and heartfelt stories like these deserve a bright ending. Great job Mark.
Your other short "The Unlikely Temptations of Christ" you mentioned that you had inspiration from a coworker when you wrote it, hopefully with this short it's not about your personal life. lol.
Oney pointed out some of the grammar issues. I found a few things myself. Page. 1 Jim, 22, Is propped (should be "is") also on Page 4. forth (should be "fourth").
Throughout the story you feel sad for Jim and Wendy because they never have sex yet they have four kids. Just doesn't seem right. Issues aside it was a cute little story turned sad at the end. Nice job, just need to clean it up a bit.
I saw '1107' and thought this one was about me. :-) Then, when I saw their sex lives in their 30's, I realized it REALLY IS about me.
The whole story screams comedy throughout its pages. (Sometimes even screwball comedy.) Then, in two lines, the last two lines, it becomes a hard core drama. I want to say that it feels like a cop out ending, but it's a very realistic ending. I wanted a screwball ending to keep me smiling, asshole.
You definitely have a talent for comedy, and again, I laughed throughout the script... out loud. I don't think I slapped my knee, but only because I didn't want to wake 'her' up next to me, and she doesn't give me any in the morning if she doesn't sleep good. (I'm sure you understand.)
The only niggle I had while reading... well, I'll say it's a HUGE problem: Mark, you didn't just passively write this story. You went from passive writing to STRAIGHT UP HARDCORE PAST TENSE!!, and then back again.
You wrote a captivating, funny, sad story in two hours. Imagine how good it could have been if you took two hours and thirty minutes to write it.
I enjoyed this but there were some plus' and minus'
On the plus side, a delightful read that those who are married and have kids will relate to in some way. That in itself is a plus and minus as it has a feel of see it, done that, know it...but for me it worked since we weren't 100% sure what would happen, would they drift apart. Possibly raise the stakes?
Who you gonna call - good line. You have one in every script which is a good sign.
Minus - oh mark, look at that first para. I'm not usually too bothered by the writing with shorts but it does need a good clean. Actually it got much better soon after but as Oney pointed out towards the end there is a past tense para. Mind you written in two hours!! Just something to be aware.
A few thoughts on story. The bloke is set up as a bit of a slacker. Tihis helps set up the tension but at the same time makes you wonder about them. Could he, for example, be good with the little girl and take her back to bed, telling a story as they go, after being a jerk before, so that we can get a glimpse of the positive that appeals, that holds the family together?
I liked the end, it was clear to me. If you were going down the sentimental you could have her on the phone to her daughter turning down a supper invite as she has things to do, but doesn't, she just wants to be alone on that night. Or, if you wanted to be funny - which doesn't suit as written - she sets up the final date only to be another guy. But that's a different script.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I've looked at the feedback others have left, and I'm not going to repeat what's already been said about the passive writing and over writing here and there. I think that points been made. To be honest, it didn't slow the read for me, but I know that it's something that gets brought up here a lot, so it would be well worth a re-write.
The whole sexual rollercoaster (or not) of married life...summed up in 8 pages.
The dialogue, I thought, was pretty much spot on, and if this only took 2 hours to write...Kudos for that. I pull my stubble out after an hour just writing a couple of pages!
It made me smile, but it also made me think. That's always a good thing.
Well I loved it, other than a few spelling and grammar issues that've already been mentioned. Such a sweet ending. Maybe you could add something else in there at the end before she turns over to Jims side of the bed, ya know so its not as expected, just seemed kinda abrupt. Good work. Going to read your other short now