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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  11:07 - Filmed!
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  Author    11:07 - Filmed!  (currently 15713 views)
Don
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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11:07 by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short - As decades pass, a couple's routine withers. 9 pages - pdf, format

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11:07 from Christopher Romano on Vimeo.



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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 1st, 2022, 3:20pm
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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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What a depressing short lol.  Man, could Jim and Wendy's sex lives be any more boring?  Jk - I liked it.  I couldn't personally relate to this because I'm a little young and I just don't see my sex life dying down so drastically and becoming so predictable lol or OMG... I don't know... just no.

I liked your dialogue and their relationship.  It felt unforced and they were cute without being overly cutesy, lovey-dovey.

You do have some issues of using passive verbiage -
On the first page you have wearing, staring, rubbing, etc. That continues on throughout.  I, myself, just learned this but try to avoid this.  Big no-no and you'll be called out on this.

I got a little concerned during your massage scene.  You almost switched into full-on passive writing:

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his
hand down, stopping just over her stomach. <- should be caresses, works, and stops,

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and
down her leg to her calf. <- proceeds, works, passes

Then, he moved up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her
right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over onto his back
and became silent. <- moves, stops, continues, stops, rolls, becomes.

I think you get it?  Ask for help if you get a little stumped, no biggy, I sure needed a little guidance.  Still do!  

WENDY (CONT'D)
Wow. Have been watching videos.

^you're missing a 'you'

It was a good read, buddy.  The last bit where Wendy rolls over and Jim isn't there made me kinda well... depressed.  It's really sad to think about growing old with your life partner and then boom, one day, just not there.  Depressing.

Nice read.  Some of it could be cleaned up but nothing too major.

ONEY



Revision History (1 edits)
Oney.Mendoza  -  January 29th, 2013, 7:15pm
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RegularJohn
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Hey Mark.

I liked your last short so when I saw this one posted, I had to take a look.

Not too much to add that Oney hasn't already in terms of writing.  Some of the action lines are a bit overwritten for me.

For example, "Wendy picks up a box of matches and lights the one and only candle that rests on the window sill."  could be written, "Wendy lights the single candle on the window sill."  Just a suggestion.

I really liked the story.  It started off pretty hot...and then got HOTTER!  I'm kidding.  It was great to see the flare of their sex life slowly diminish while their love only grew stronger.  The ending did hurt though and I didn't really think Wendy would sigh at Jim's empty side.  I actually think she would smile as if she knows she will see him again very soon.  Just a thought but I think humorous and heartfelt stories like these deserve a bright ending.  Great job Mark.

Johnny


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DV44
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Your other short "The Unlikely Temptations of Christ" you mentioned that you had inspiration from a coworker when you wrote it, hopefully with this short it's not about your personal life. lol.

Oney pointed out some of the grammar issues. I found a few things myself. Page. 1 Jim, 22, Is propped (should be "is") also on Page 4. forth (should be "fourth").

Throughout the story you feel sad for Jim and Wendy because they never have sex yet they have four kids. Just doesn't seem right. Issues aside it was a cute little story turned sad at the end. Nice job, just need to clean it up a bit.

- Dirk
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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys I never knew this was up.

I have no idea what that weird number is in my title. I penned this in a couple of hours and not exactly a great proof read.

Oney thanks for the read and you're totally right with the passive writing... It is a little depressing, I was trying to create all emotions that go into marriage through the years.


Quoted from John
It was great to see the flare of their sex life slowly diminish while their love only grew stronger.


Thanks John, that was the angle I was going for. The writing needs to be cleaned up a bit.


Quoted from Dirk
Your other short "The Unlikely Temptations of Christ" you mentioned that you had inspiration from a coworker when you wrote it, hopefully with this short it's not about your personal life. lol.


12 years married, 2 kids... maybe


Quoted from Dirk
Throughout the story you feel sad for Jim and Wendy because they never have sex yet they have four kids. Just doesn't seem right


The setup was based around their one "special" day and time, each decade they are together. Unless you're a parent yourself, kids can wear you down I'm sure all the parent peeps will agree.

Thanks for the read Dirk and your right it does need cleaned up.

It was one of those... write in 2 hours, quick proof-read, submit and see what the SS members think.

Thanks again guys

Mark

  


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Pale Yellow
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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Mark!!!!!!!!!!! Cute story here...with as everyone said, a sad ending. Did the guy die or leave her? I love the story...I like darkish drama.

Cheers buddy! This is a good one!
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Gary in Houston
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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This script makes me wonder if Mark has been hiding in my bedroom closet the last 30 years.

Great story, especially in 2 hours, some grammatical miscues, but many lines in there that made me smile (or pained me because, well...).  I could easily see this being a filmed short.

Awesome job!

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dena
Did the guy die or leave her?


Sadly died Just a love thing Dena. The way marriage should be

Thanks for the read.


Quoted from Gary
This script makes me wonder if Mark has been hiding in my bedroom closet the last 30 years.


LOL.
I'm only married 12 years myself...

I think all SUCCESSFUL marriages end up like this. The passion, the frustrating, the rekindling, the bond, the happy just to be together and sadly the emptiness that one will endure.

Mark



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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

Just thought I'd let you know some hours have passed since I read this and I'm still thinking about your story.  This may be one of my favorite drama shorts on here.

ONEY


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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Oney
Just thought I'd let you know some hours have passed since I read this and I'm still thinking about your story.  This may be one of my favorite drama shorts on here.


Wow... thanks Oney, that means alot.

I was trying to create an array of emotions in just a few pages.

Mark





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rc1107
Posted: January 30th, 2013, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark.

I saw '1107' and thought this one was about me.  :-)  Then, when I saw their sex lives in their 30's, I realized it REALLY IS about me.

The whole story screams comedy throughout its pages.  (Sometimes even screwball comedy.)  Then, in two lines, the last two lines, it becomes a hard core drama.  I want to say that it feels like a cop out ending, but it's a very realistic ending.  I wanted a screwball ending to keep me smiling, asshole.

You definitely have a talent for comedy, and again, I laughed throughout the script... out loud.  I don't think I slapped my knee, but only because I didn't want to wake 'her' up next to me, and she doesn't give me any in the morning if she doesn't sleep good.  (I'm sure you understand.)

The only niggle I had while reading... well, I'll say it's a HUGE problem:  Mark, you didn't just passively write this story.  You went from passive writing to STRAIGHT UP HARDCORE PAST TENSE!!, and then back again.

You wrote a captivating, funny, sad story in two hours.  Imagine how good it could have been if you took two hours and thirty minutes to write it.

:-)  Good work.

- Mark


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 30th, 2013, 3:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey mark,

I enjoyed this but there were some plus' and minus'

On the plus side, a delightful read that those who are married and have kids will relate to in some way. That in itself is a plus and minus as it has a feel of see it, done that, know it...but for me it worked since we weren't 100% sure what would happen, would they drift apart.  Possibly raise the stakes?

Who you gonna call - good line. You have one in every script which is a good sign.

Minus - oh mark, look at that first para. I'm not usually too bothered by the writing with shorts but it does need a good clean. Actually it got much better soon after but as Oney pointed out towards the end there is a past tense para. Mind you written in two hours!! Just something to be aware.

A few thoughts on story. The bloke is set up as a bit of a slacker. Tihis helps set up the tension but at the same time makes you wonder about them. Could he, for example, be good with the little girl and take her back to bed, telling a story as they go, after being a jerk before, so that we can get a glimpse of the positive that appeals, that holds the family together?

I liked the end, it was clear to me. If you were going down the sentimental you could have her on the phone to her daughter turning down a supper invite as she has things to do, but doesn't, she just wants to be alone on that night. Or, if you wanted to be funny - which doesn't suit as written - she sets up the final date only to be another guy. But that's a different script.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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irish eyes
Posted: January 30th, 2013, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mark 2
I want to say that it feels like a cop out ending, but it's a very realistic ending.  I wanted a screwball ending to keep me smiling, a**hole.




Awww so sweet.  I was trying hard not to write another "temptations", I can see this being funny to married men like ourselves... sad but true

But I wanted to keep the realism of life and portray different emotions of how we see our partner through life.


Quoted from mark 2
she doesn't give me any in the morning if she doesn't sleep good.  (I'm sure you understand.)


I have no idea... I don't get any in the morn, damn kids yeah that's my stage

I totally agree the writing sucks I got lazy and was rightly pointed out by all the peeps... I'm already starting on the redraft.

thanks

Mark





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Kip
Posted: January 30th, 2013, 8:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

I gave this a read and must admit I loved it!

I've looked at the feedback others have left, and I'm not going to repeat what's already been said about the passive writing and over writing here and there. I think that points been made. To be honest, it didn't slow the read for me, but I know that it's something that gets brought up here a lot, so it would be well worth a re-write.

The whole sexual rollercoaster (or not) of married life...summed up in 8 pages.

The dialogue, I thought, was pretty much spot on, and if this only took 2 hours to write...Kudos for that. I pull my stubble out after an hour just writing a couple of pages!

It made me smile, but it also made me think. That's always a good thing.

Kip.
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Gaviano
Posted: January 30th, 2013, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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Well I loved it, other than a few spelling and grammar issues that've already been mentioned. Such a sweet ending. Maybe you could add something else in there at the end before she turns over to Jims side of the bed, ya know so its not as expected, just seemed kinda abrupt. Good work. Going to read your other short now


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If you're a filmmaker feel free to contact me via email concerning my current screenplays or to request some of my other work.
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