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1. As he looks to the heaven, his grin says it all. What is the heaven? No description.
2. Your joke towards the Ghostbuster pants was funny to READ. But it wouldn't be funny on screen. It would just be a pair of pants that a lot of people may not be able to relate with.
3. Wendy punching Jim kinda through me off. It wasn't necessary! It would've been funny if Jim kept harassing Wendy about sex. But there was no build up like this of any kind. I felt like she punched him for no reason.
4. Jim just smiles, he has found his satisfaction. You should know whats wrong with this part.
Overall Mark. I think you have funny stories to read. But not too sure if they would be funny on the screen. I give this a 3.5 out of 5.
- Randomly enough I just watched Ghostbusters Friday night for the first time since I was very young in an outdoor theatre. And yes, there were people dressed up in Ghostbusters pyjamas and suits, nice!
I reckon a quick description as to how their looks have, or have not, changed in the ten or so years since the first scene wouldn’t go amiss here.
WENDY Let's get this over with.
- Seems like a very cold thing to say. I realise that this is the tone for the scene, conveying the staleness of the ritual but I’m still surprised by Jim’s lack of taking offense to any of these sarky jibes. Nothing belittles a man more than scorn heaped upon his “lovemaking” skills!
A LITTLE GIRL, 5, stands at the entranceway.
- It would do no harm to give her a name.
“bald, poor eyesight and the ever elusive beer belly, to which he rubs frequently.”
- Ah, you make up for the lack of description in the previous scene here. I love the “to which he rubs frequently” line.
JIM Of course, it's that time of the year I get laid, it coincides with haley's comet.
- Good line but doesn’t Halley’s Comet come around every 75 years or something. Keep the humour just change the comparison to something that occurs per annum. Also, you spelt Halley wrong.
WENDY (CONT'D) Wow. Have been watching videos.
- Should this be “Wow. Have you been watching videos?”
For some inexplicable reason the action lines on the bottom of page 6 to the top of page 7 are mostly in the past tense. Change it to the present.
JIM I found the remote.
- Good line.
“he has found his satisfaction.”
- Rather odd piece of phrasing. You could just say “Jim just smiles, satisfied with himself” or just “Jim just smiles, satisfied”
Difficult to nail this one down in terms of tone, which is not necessarily a bad thing here, and it certain has its moments. Some good comedy value, I enjoyed the constant jokes and undermining rapport both characters inflict on one another, although, I found it hard to grasp whether it was genuine affection or actual signs of the passion receding as the years rolled by.
At first I thought it was the latter, that a steadying decrease in passion and enthusiasm for the special day would become more evident which each vignette thus the prospects of a gloomy ending were on the cards, again, this wouldn’t have been a bad thing.
However, you flip things nicely in the last three scenes by having Jim administer a massage(even he does cut it short, he still did it) and the second to last scene confirms their real love for one another beneath the mutual ridiculing. I’m just unsure as to whether you had reconciled with yourself from the outset how you wanted the story to come off or perhaps they did go through a rough patch as their youth disappeared but with age came greater appreciation of the fact that they still had each other.
Either way, it’s a solid two character, one location script, easily produced with a slightly sad but paradoxically uplifting ending in that their love endured for so long in its own particular way.
I won't go over in detail what others have said cause that just kinda becomes overkill.
Just to say I relate to a lot of Col's comments re the tone of the piece. Some parts of this come across (to me at least) as your characters being a little indifferent to one another. I would have liked to have felt the bond between them a little stronger, similar to that which you evoke in the final scene. Make sense?
Everything just seemed a little subdued to me - their highs and lows.
A little more fleshing out of the characters in their interactions imho is what is needed. Having said that, it's a great premise and I enjoyed the read.
Your joke towards the Ghostbuster pants was funny to READ. But it wouldn't be funny on screen. It would just be a pair of pants that a lot of people may not be able to relate with.
3. Wendy punching Jim kinda through me off. It wasn't necessary! It would've been funny if Jim kept harassing Wendy about sex. But there was no build up like this of any kind. I felt like she punched him for no reason.
Are you married? if not, then welcome to the world of marriage.
Quoted from vaproductions
4. Jim just smiles, he has found his satisfaction. You should know whats wrong with this part.
So I'm not going to beat a dead horse here and repeat everything that the others have said, but I gotta say that I enjoyed this one. I wasn't sure where it was headed since each time something different would happen. It would be a comedy, or a drama, or both. Though, some times I couldn't tell if, when they said their lines, if they were offended or trying to insult one another, or if they were just joking with each other and insulted each other in a playful manner. I guess that's up to the director to decide if this ever gets filmed, which I could totally see it happening.
The ending did kind of punch me in the gut, and usually dramas don't affect me that way. I guess I put myself in the position, knowing that one day this will probably happen to me. Maybe. Who knows! But this was cute, sad, funny...way to mix it up!
perhaps they did go through a rough patch as their youth disappeared but with age came greater appreciation of the fact that they still had each other.
This is exactly what I was trying to portray.
Thanks Col, your indepth feedback glad you enjoyed it
The ending did kind of punch me in the gut, and usually dramas don't affect me that way. I guess I put myself in the position, knowing that one day this will probably happen to me. Maybe. Who knows! But this was cute, sad, funny...way to mix it up
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11:07 - Filmed!
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