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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  11:07 - Filmed!
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  Author    11:07 - Filmed!  (currently 16106 views)
Vaproductions
Posted: February 3rd, 2013, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark. Another review for you.

1. As he looks to the heaven, his grin says it all.  What is the heaven? No description.

2. Your joke towards the Ghostbuster pants was funny to READ. But it wouldn't be funny on screen. It would just be a pair of pants that a lot of people may not be able to relate with.

3. Wendy punching Jim kinda through me off. It wasn't necessary! It would've been funny if Jim kept harassing Wendy about sex. But there was no build up like this of any kind. I felt like she punched him for no reason.

4. Jim just smiles, he has found his satisfaction. You should know whats wrong with this part.


Overall Mark. I think you have funny stories to read. But not too sure if they would be funny on the screen. I give this a 3.5 out of 5.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: February 4th, 2013, 1:31am Report to Moderator
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Mark

Page by pages notes/reactions:

WENDY
You like.

- Should there be a question mark here?

“ghostbusters pajama bottoms.”

- Randomly enough I just watched Ghostbusters Friday night for the first time since I was very young in an outdoor theatre. And yes, there were people dressed up in Ghostbusters pyjamas and suits, nice!

I reckon a quick description as to how their looks have, or have not, changed in the ten or so years since the first scene wouldn’t go amiss here.

WENDY
Let's get this over with.

- Seems like a very cold thing to say. I realise that this is the tone for the scene, conveying the staleness of the ritual but I’m still surprised by Jim’s lack of taking offense to any of these sarky jibes. Nothing belittles a man more than scorn heaped upon his “lovemaking” skills!

A LITTLE GIRL, 5, stands at the entranceway.

- It would do no harm to give her a name.

“bald, poor eyesight and the ever elusive beer belly, to which
he rubs frequently.”

- Ah, you make up for the lack of description in the previous scene here. I love the “to which he rubs frequently” line.

JIM
Of course, it's that time of the
year I get laid, it coincides with
haley's comet.

- Good line but doesn’t Halley’s Comet come around every 75 years or something. Keep the humour just change the comparison to something that occurs per annum. Also, you spelt Halley wrong.

WENDY (CONT'D)
Wow. Have been watching videos.

- Should this be “Wow. Have you been watching videos?”

For some inexplicable reason the action lines on the bottom of page 6 to the top of page 7 are mostly in the past tense. Change it to the present.

JIM
I found the remote.

- Good line.

“he has found his satisfaction.”

- Rather odd piece of phrasing. You could just say “Jim just smiles, satisfied with himself” or just “Jim just smiles, satisfied”

Difficult to nail this one down in terms of tone, which is not necessarily a bad thing here, and it certain has its moments. Some good comedy value, I enjoyed the constant jokes and undermining rapport both characters inflict on one another, although, I found it hard to grasp whether it was genuine affection or actual signs of the passion receding as the years rolled by.

At first I thought it was the latter, that a steadying decrease in passion and enthusiasm for the special day would become more evident which each vignette thus the prospects of a gloomy ending were on the cards, again, this wouldn’t have been a bad thing.

However, you flip things nicely in the last three scenes by having Jim administer a massage(even he does cut it short, he still did it) and the second to last scene confirms their real love for one another beneath the mutual ridiculing. I’m just unsure as to whether you had reconciled with yourself from the outset how you wanted the story to come off or perhaps they did go through a rough patch as their youth disappeared but with age came greater appreciation of the fact that they still had each other.

Either way, it’s a solid two character, one location script, easily produced with a slightly sad but paradoxically uplifting ending in that their love endured for so long in its own particular way.

Col.


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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2013, 6:12am Report to Moderator
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I won't go over in detail what others have said cause that just kinda becomes overkill.

Just to say I relate to a lot of Col's comments re the tone of the piece. Some parts of this come across (to me at least) as your characters being a little indifferent to one another. I would have liked to have felt the bond between them a little stronger, similar to that which you evoke in the final scene. Make sense?

Everything just seemed a little subdued to me - their highs and lows.

A little more fleshing out of the characters in their interactions imho is what is needed.
Having said that, it's a great premise and I enjoyed the read.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 5th, 2013, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Vaproductions
1. As he looks to the heaven, his grin says it all.  What is the heaven? No description.


You want me to describe heaven???? It's a figure of speech, when someone looks straight up


Quoted from Vaproductions
Your joke towards the Ghostbuster pants was funny to READ. But it wouldn't be funny on screen. It would just be a pair of pants that a lot of people may not be able to relate with.


It would be a pair of Ghostbuster pants


Quoted from Vaproductions
3. Wendy punching Jim kinda through me off. It wasn't necessary! It would've been funny if Jim kept harassing Wendy about sex. But there was no build up like this of any kind. I felt like she punched him for no reason.


Are you married? if not, then welcome to the world of marriage.


Quoted from vaproductions
4. Jim just smiles, he has found his satisfaction. You should know whats wrong with this part.


Actually I don't

Thanks for your feedback Vaproductions








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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 5th, 2013, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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So I'm not going to beat a dead horse here and repeat everything that the others have said, but I gotta say that I enjoyed this one. I wasn't sure where it was headed since each time something different would happen. It would be a comedy, or a drama, or both. Though, some times I couldn't tell if, when they said their lines, if they were offended or trying to insult one another, or if they were just joking with each other and insulted each other in a playful manner. I guess that's up to the director to decide if this ever gets filmed, which I could totally see it happening.

The ending did kind of punch me in the gut, and usually dramas don't affect me that way. I guess I put myself in the position, knowing that one day this will probably happen to me. Maybe. Who knows! But this was cute, sad, funny...way to mix it up!

Sean


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irish eyes
Posted: February 6th, 2013, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Col
perhaps they did go through a rough patch as their youth disappeared but with age came greater appreciation of the fact that they still had each other.


This is exactly what I was trying to portray.

Thanks Col, your indepth feedback glad you enjoyed it

Mark


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irish eyes
Posted: February 6th, 2013, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks  LC for your read and feedback


Quoted from Sean
The ending did kind of punch me in the gut, and usually dramas don't affect me that way. I guess I put myself in the position, knowing that one day this will probably happen to me. Maybe. Who knows! But this was cute, sad, funny...way to mix it up![


Thanks Sean, it's gonna happen to all of us and I think that's what made this script so appealing... in a kinda bad way.

Mark




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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 7th, 2013, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Way to go proving the point I was trying to make on Scriptshadow this week!
You've got a clever easy to produce narrative that thinks INSIDE the box.
Or, in this particular case, inside the bedroom.

Lots of room to tinker with the dialogue.
It works, but could be more "specific" to the couple some.
And I agree that some more bedroom details would enhance their tale.
Family photos. Kids' trophies. Things that define their marriage, etc.

This reminds me of a scaled down version of Neil Simon's "Same Time, Next Year".
And I doubt most folks would even make that connection.
I recommend checking that out, could inspire you some.

Best of luck with the production!

Regards,
E.D.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 7th, 2013, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Brett

I love Neil Simon's work... I'll have to check it out

Mark


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Toby_E
Posted: February 7th, 2013, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

You've got a lot of feedback on this one, feedback which I haven't read, so I apologise if I am merely repeating what others have said!

But hey, I'm sure some more positive feedback can never hurt, right?

I loved this. Powerful, heartfelt stuff. Sure, there were a few problems with your writing (mainly in regards to unfilmables in your description), and I saw the ending coming, but that didn't lessen the impact of the story.

Great work, man.

Below are one or two mistakes I spotted (and most likely, so did others...):

Page 3- Wendy says: "Do you have thing ready." I believe that should read "a thing"?

Page 3- Jim: "Does my condom rolling skills bore you?" Shouldn't it be "do", as it is "skills"?

Page 7- Wendy: "Wow. Have been watching videos." This line doesn't really make sense, bud.

But yeah, I really enjoyed this. Great little short, and I imagine it will make a very powerful film; congrats on getting it picked up! Any news in regards to production schedule, etc.? I'm really curious to see how they film the time-lapses. Blue Valantine did it brilliantly, giving Ryan Gosling a dreadful moustache and a receding hairline.

Keep us updated

Toby.


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Sham
Posted: February 7th, 2013, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

This was adorable. I won't get into your writing mistakes as they've already been addressed, but you tell a really worthwhile story in just a few pages.

While I found the ending bittersweet and, for the most part, satisfying, I wasn't too happy with its abruptness. I would have liked to have seen a 70-year-old Wendy putting on an old pair of Ghostbusters pajama pants as she climbed into her empty bed. Because those annoying quirks and traits your partner has? Those are the things you're going to miss most.

Really wonderful short. I loved it.

Chris


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irish eyes
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Quoted from Toby
I really enjoyed this. Great little short, and I imagine it will make a very powerful film; congrats on getting it picked up! Any news in regards to production schedule, etc.? I'm really curious to see how they film the time-lapses.


Thanks for the read and feedback Toby... all I know so far is that he is content on finding a good makeup artist, because he wants to use the same actors throughout... so that should be interesting.

When I find out more, I'll let everyone know

Thanks again


Quoted from Chris
Really wonderful short. I loved it.


Thank you Chris for your kind comments... I tried to capture as much emotion as I could, in one location with minimum characters and thankfully it came out good...

As I wrote this in 2 hours, there are quite a few mistakes, but I have just finished the redraft and I will post it too.

Thanks

Mark





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irish eyes
Posted: March 2nd, 2013, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting the redraft Don

Mark


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ThomasJamieson
Posted: February 7th, 2014, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

I read 11:07 just now, and I have to say it touched me. I could have assumed what the payoff at the end would be; however, I did not see that coming as I read it. Your writing style overall is clear and concise, with some exceptions. I think the characters could have a bit more of a connection in places. The 20s is fun, but they become sort of disconnect in their 30s. I understand you are showing the evolution of a relationship, but the throughline should always be they are connected to each other, they just love each other to death, no matter what. This way the emotional payoff at the end would be even greater.

There were small issues throughout, which have already been addressed in earlier comments (i.e. Ghostbusters pajamas not being relatable; Wendy punching Jim without any buildup; some awkward phrasing "Jim just smiles, he has found his satisfaction", dialogue could be more specific in places etc.).

I like it overall. Nice work in two hours. I hope this feedback is useful.

Tom
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irish eyes
Posted: February 8th, 2014, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tom welcome to SS

I didn't expect this to show up again on the portal.

The whole premise is obviously based around one time, one date, once a year every decade. The newly weds to the aging grandparents.
Some people commented on the 30's as being distant in a way, it was only one day out of the 30,s and for most couples(like myself) it all becomes a challenge after you have that first kid.


Quoted from Tom
Wendy punching Jim without any buildup


I don't know if you're married, but had a few of those .. a playful punch i may add

Thanks for your feedback Tom and glad you liked it

Mark


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