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  Author    11:07 - Filmed!  (currently 16115 views)
Don
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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11:07 by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short - As decades pass, a couple's routine withers. 9 pages - pdf, format

+++++++++++++++++++++



11:07 from Christopher Romano on Vimeo.



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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 1st, 2022, 3:20pm
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Oney.Mendoza
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What a depressing short lol.  Man, could Jim and Wendy's sex lives be any more boring?  Jk - I liked it.  I couldn't personally relate to this because I'm a little young and I just don't see my sex life dying down so drastically and becoming so predictable lol or OMG... I don't know... just no.

I liked your dialogue and their relationship.  It felt unforced and they were cute without being overly cutesy, lovey-dovey.

You do have some issues of using passive verbiage -
On the first page you have wearing, staring, rubbing, etc. That continues on throughout.  I, myself, just learned this but try to avoid this.  Big no-no and you'll be called out on this.

I got a little concerned during your massage scene.  You almost switched into full-on passive writing:

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his
hand down, stopping just over her stomach. <- should be caresses, works, and stops,

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and
down her leg to her calf. <- proceeds, works, passes

Then, he moved up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her
right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over onto his back
and became silent. <- moves, stops, continues, stops, rolls, becomes.

I think you get it?  Ask for help if you get a little stumped, no biggy, I sure needed a little guidance.  Still do!  

WENDY (CONT'D)
Wow. Have been watching videos.

^you're missing a 'you'

It was a good read, buddy.  The last bit where Wendy rolls over and Jim isn't there made me kinda well... depressed.  It's really sad to think about growing old with your life partner and then boom, one day, just not there.  Depressing.

Nice read.  Some of it could be cleaned up but nothing too major.

ONEY



Revision History (1 edits)
Oney.Mendoza  -  January 29th, 2013, 7:15pm
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RegularJohn
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark.

I liked your last short so when I saw this one posted, I had to take a look.

Not too much to add that Oney hasn't already in terms of writing.  Some of the action lines are a bit overwritten for me.

For example, "Wendy picks up a box of matches and lights the one and only candle that rests on the window sill."  could be written, "Wendy lights the single candle on the window sill."  Just a suggestion.

I really liked the story.  It started off pretty hot...and then got HOTTER!  I'm kidding.  It was great to see the flare of their sex life slowly diminish while their love only grew stronger.  The ending did hurt though and I didn't really think Wendy would sigh at Jim's empty side.  I actually think she would smile as if she knows she will see him again very soon.  Just a thought but I think humorous and heartfelt stories like these deserve a bright ending.  Great job Mark.

Johnny


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DV44
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Hey Mark,

Your other short "The Unlikely Temptations of Christ" you mentioned that you had inspiration from a coworker when you wrote it, hopefully with this short it's not about your personal life. lol.

Oney pointed out some of the grammar issues. I found a few things myself. Page. 1 Jim, 22, Is propped (should be "is") also on Page 4. forth (should be "fourth").

Throughout the story you feel sad for Jim and Wendy because they never have sex yet they have four kids. Just doesn't seem right. Issues aside it was a cute little story turned sad at the end. Nice job, just need to clean it up a bit.

- Dirk
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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys I never knew this was up.

I have no idea what that weird number is in my title. I penned this in a couple of hours and not exactly a great proof read.

Oney thanks for the read and you're totally right with the passive writing... It is a little depressing, I was trying to create all emotions that go into marriage through the years.


Quoted from John
It was great to see the flare of their sex life slowly diminish while their love only grew stronger.


Thanks John, that was the angle I was going for. The writing needs to be cleaned up a bit.


Quoted from Dirk
Your other short "The Unlikely Temptations of Christ" you mentioned that you had inspiration from a coworker when you wrote it, hopefully with this short it's not about your personal life. lol.


12 years married, 2 kids... maybe


Quoted from Dirk
Throughout the story you feel sad for Jim and Wendy because they never have sex yet they have four kids. Just doesn't seem right


The setup was based around their one "special" day and time, each decade they are together. Unless you're a parent yourself, kids can wear you down I'm sure all the parent peeps will agree.

Thanks for the read Dirk and your right it does need cleaned up.

It was one of those... write in 2 hours, quick proof-read, submit and see what the SS members think.

Thanks again guys

Mark

  


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Pale Yellow
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Mark!!!!!!!!!!! Cute story here...with as everyone said, a sad ending. Did the guy die or leave her? I love the story...I like darkish drama.

Cheers buddy! This is a good one!
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Gary in Houston
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This script makes me wonder if Mark has been hiding in my bedroom closet the last 30 years.

Great story, especially in 2 hours, some grammatical miscues, but many lines in there that made me smile (or pained me because, well...).  I could easily see this being a filmed short.

Awesome job!

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dena
Did the guy die or leave her?


Sadly died Just a love thing Dena. The way marriage should be

Thanks for the read.


Quoted from Gary
This script makes me wonder if Mark has been hiding in my bedroom closet the last 30 years.


LOL.
I'm only married 12 years myself...

I think all SUCCESSFUL marriages end up like this. The passion, the frustrating, the rekindling, the bond, the happy just to be together and sadly the emptiness that one will endure.

Mark



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Oney.Mendoza
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Mark,

Just thought I'd let you know some hours have passed since I read this and I'm still thinking about your story.  This may be one of my favorite drama shorts on here.

ONEY


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irish eyes
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Quoted from Oney
Just thought I'd let you know some hours have passed since I read this and I'm still thinking about your story.  This may be one of my favorite drama shorts on here.


Wow... thanks Oney, that means alot.

I was trying to create an array of emotions in just a few pages.

Mark





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rc1107
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Hey Mark.

I saw '1107' and thought this one was about me.  :-)  Then, when I saw their sex lives in their 30's, I realized it REALLY IS about me.

The whole story screams comedy throughout its pages.  (Sometimes even screwball comedy.)  Then, in two lines, the last two lines, it becomes a hard core drama.  I want to say that it feels like a cop out ending, but it's a very realistic ending.  I wanted a screwball ending to keep me smiling, asshole.

You definitely have a talent for comedy, and again, I laughed throughout the script... out loud.  I don't think I slapped my knee, but only because I didn't want to wake 'her' up next to me, and she doesn't give me any in the morning if she doesn't sleep good.  (I'm sure you understand.)

The only niggle I had while reading... well, I'll say it's a HUGE problem:  Mark, you didn't just passively write this story.  You went from passive writing to STRAIGHT UP HARDCORE PAST TENSE!!, and then back again.

You wrote a captivating, funny, sad story in two hours.  Imagine how good it could have been if you took two hours and thirty minutes to write it.

:-)  Good work.

- Mark


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Reef Dreamer
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Hey mark,

I enjoyed this but there were some plus' and minus'

On the plus side, a delightful read that those who are married and have kids will relate to in some way. That in itself is a plus and minus as it has a feel of see it, done that, know it...but for me it worked since we weren't 100% sure what would happen, would they drift apart.  Possibly raise the stakes?

Who you gonna call - good line. You have one in every script which is a good sign.

Minus - oh mark, look at that first para. I'm not usually too bothered by the writing with shorts but it does need a good clean. Actually it got much better soon after but as Oney pointed out towards the end there is a past tense para. Mind you written in two hours!! Just something to be aware.

A few thoughts on story. The bloke is set up as a bit of a slacker. Tihis helps set up the tension but at the same time makes you wonder about them. Could he, for example, be good with the little girl and take her back to bed, telling a story as they go, after being a jerk before, so that we can get a glimpse of the positive that appeals, that holds the family together?

I liked the end, it was clear to me. If you were going down the sentimental you could have her on the phone to her daughter turning down a supper invite as she has things to do, but doesn't, she just wants to be alone on that night. Or, if you wanted to be funny - which doesn't suit as written - she sets up the final date only to be another guy. But that's a different script.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

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Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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irish eyes
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Quoted from mark 2
I want to say that it feels like a cop out ending, but it's a very realistic ending.  I wanted a screwball ending to keep me smiling, a**hole.




Awww so sweet.  I was trying hard not to write another "temptations", I can see this being funny to married men like ourselves... sad but true

But I wanted to keep the realism of life and portray different emotions of how we see our partner through life.


Quoted from mark 2
she doesn't give me any in the morning if she doesn't sleep good.  (I'm sure you understand.)


I have no idea... I don't get any in the morn, damn kids yeah that's my stage

I totally agree the writing sucks I got lazy and was rightly pointed out by all the peeps... I'm already starting on the redraft.

thanks

Mark





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Kip
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Hi Mark,

I gave this a read and must admit I loved it!

I've looked at the feedback others have left, and I'm not going to repeat what's already been said about the passive writing and over writing here and there. I think that points been made. To be honest, it didn't slow the read for me, but I know that it's something that gets brought up here a lot, so it would be well worth a re-write.

The whole sexual rollercoaster (or not) of married life...summed up in 8 pages.

The dialogue, I thought, was pretty much spot on, and if this only took 2 hours to write...Kudos for that. I pull my stubble out after an hour just writing a couple of pages!

It made me smile, but it also made me think. That's always a good thing.

Kip.
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Gaviano
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Well I loved it, other than a few spelling and grammar issues that've already been mentioned. Such a sweet ending. Maybe you could add something else in there at the end before she turns over to Jims side of the bed, ya know so its not as expected, just seemed kinda abrupt. Good work. Going to read your other short now


The MacBook is mightier than the Sword

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CrusaderVoice
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Wow!

One of the best things I've read here. There's no way this was as easy to write as you made this look...a few misused words or phrases could have sent this way off the rails in terms of the story and tone but it all worked.

To deflect anything that may hit close to home and inflect even the slightest pain, I tend to find something to focus on rather than the main point itself. So with that in mind, let say: Ghostbuster pants? Sweet! I need to find some Ghostbuster pants! I'm not even kidding...they would make my life more complete.
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B.C.
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This is a really nice story and the time jumps serve it really well. The dialogue (while it maybe could use a slight clean up) is funny, likable and most importantly, came across as believable. I giggled a few times, especially at the remote gag.  These two characters really come off the page.

But crikey-moses, Mark.  There's a ton of mistakes on the first half-page alone!   An unfilmable in the first paragraph.  Punctuation problems.  The tense meltdown on the last few pages!!  

It's a good job you can tell a good story, so well done on having that skill cos' otherwise most readers would have tossed this in the bin!  Get some word-bleach on this thing.

  
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irish eyes
Posted: January 30th, 2013, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Bill
A few thoughts on story. The bloke is set up as a bit of a slacker. Tihis helps set up the tension but at the same time makes you wonder about them. Could he, for example, be good with the little girl and take her back to bed, telling a story as they go, after being a jerk before, so that we can get a glimpse of the positive that appeals, that holds the family together?


I don't think he's really portrayed as a slacker, it's basically one night, every decade at 11:07. But I do like your idea of him interacting with his daughter, it would really add to reality of life i'm trying to create.


Quoted from Kip
The dialogue, I thought, was pretty much spot on, and if this only took 2 hours to write...Kudos for that. I pull my stubble out after an hour just writing a couple of pages!

It made me smile, but it also made me think. That's always a good thing.


Thanks Kip , thinking is always a good thing... I think


Quoted from Gaviano
Such a sweet ending. Maybe you could add something else in there at the end before she turns over to Jims side of the bed, ya know so its not as expected, just seemed kinda abrupt.


Thanks Gaviano for the read, I think in my re-write I might slightly extend that scene, creating a little bit more drama.

Wow!


Quoted from ED
One of the best things I've read here. There's no way this was as easy to write as you made this look...a few misused words or phrases could have sent this way off the rails in terms of the story and tone but it all worked.


Thanks Ed, i'm glad you enjoyed it, I just tried to capture the different sentiments through time, in one location with minimal characters.


Quoted from Basket Case
This is a really nice story and the time jumps serve it really well. The dialogue (while it maybe could use a slight clean up) is funny, likable and most importantly, came across as believable. I giggled a few times, especially at the remote gag.  These two characters really come off the page.


Thanks for the read and I'm glad you enjoyed it.


I can't quite put my finger on it, but I got a feeling you guys are trying to tell me something .


Quoted from Oney
You do have some issues of using passive verbiage -
On the first page you have wearing, staring, rubbing, etc. That continues on throughout.  I, myself, just learned this but try to avoid this.  Big no-no and you'll be called out on this.



Quoted from Dirk
Nice job, just need to clean it up a bit.



Quoted from Mark2
The only niggle I had while reading... well, I'll say it's a HUGE problem:  Mark, you didn't just passively write this story.  You went from passive writing to STRAIGHT UP HARDCORE PAST TENSE!!, and then back again.



Quoted from Bill
Minus - oh mark, look at that first para. I'm not usually too bothered by the writing with shorts but it does need a good clean. Actually it got much better soon after but as Oney pointed out towards the end there is a past tense para. Mind you written in two hours!! Just something to be aware.



Quoted from Basket Case
But crikey-moses, Mark.  There's a ton of mistakes on the first half-page alone!   An unfilmable in the first paragraph.  Punctuation problems.  The tense meltdown on the last few pages!!  

It's a good job you can tell a good story, so well done on having that skill cos' otherwise most readers would have tossed this in the bin!  Get some word-bleach on this thing.


I'll see if I can figure it out

Thank you all for feedback

Mark

Now 2 hours just to fix the writing








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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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Hey Marky Mark,

Good to see another short from you and I have to admit that I enjoyed this one overall. A little dilemma that all couples go through and can associate with.

You did a good job, the almost constant bickering which created some laughs throughout the years finally turns into something more sweet and loving by the end.

They're still together and very much in love and that's always a nice message to get across and although the ending is a little depressing, it works. I have to say that you surprised me with the gloomy ending, not normally your style so kudos.

So I liked the story but the writing is a different matter altogether - this has some serious issues with past tense writing. I felt like I was reading a novel at one point "Jim begins to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time." Okay... you were using the nasty little word "then" which wasn't helping.

It's also riddled with little mistakes with a hint of telling which does harm the read unfortuntely. The action is also massivly repetitive by the end with the characters doing exactly the same thing - it becomes boring.

There is only so many times I can read a "door swinging, slowly, pushes open" or peeps "staring up at the ceiling" Mix it up, I know it's difficult with the one room setting but just simply having the same action re-worded would work.

In saying that, the dialogue is snappy and gave me a few chuckles but still needs a little polish in areas: "Do you know what date (day) it is?" or "Do you have (the) thing ready." Little things really.

I liked the story but think the writing needs a little work. Edit: I see you're already getting stuck in on the re-write which is great.

Good one, buddy.

Steve
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irish eyes
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Quoted from Coop
Hey Marky Mark,

Good to see another short from you and I have to admit that I enjoyed this one overall. A little dilemma that all couples go through and can associate with.

You did a good job, the almost constant bickering which created some laughs throughout the years finally turns into something more sweet and loving by the end.

They're still together and very much in love and that's always a nice message to get across and although the ending is a little depressing, it works. I have to say that you surprised me with the gloomy ending, not normally your style so kudos.

So I liked the story but the writing is a different matter altogether - this has some serious issues with past tense writing. I felt like I was reading a novel at one point "Jim begins to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time." Okay... you were using the nasty little word "then" which wasn't helping.

It's also riddled with little mistakes with a hint of telling which does harm the read unfortuntely. The action is also massivly repetitive by the end with the characters doing exactly the same thing - it becomes boring.

There is only so many times I can read a "door swinging, slowly, pushes open" or peeps "staring up at the ceiling" Mix it up, I know it's difficult with the one room setting but just simply having the same action re-worded would work.

In saying that, the dialogue is snappy and gave me a few chuckles but still needs a little polish in areas: "Do you know what date (day) it is?" or "Do you have (the) thing ready." Little things really.

I liked the story but think the writing needs a little work. Edit: I see you're already getting stuck in on the re-write which is great.

Good one, buddy.


See what happens when I don't throw at you first

I was trying to be nice by not bothering you... no more Mr nice guy

You'll get the rewrite first and that's a warning

Mark


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khamanna
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

I enjoyed the script - very nice dialog and thus the characters are very vivid. It sucked me right in.
Overall it was a very fast and enjoyable read. Having said that, I must admit that it lacks conflict for me.
The story is good - they are in love no matter the years that passed and changed looks, but I wish it was more than just that. The story revolves around the date and time - this love thing is a little on the nose for me.

I think there must be a few scripts on the same theme out there and I don't think many of them would be half as good as yours. The winner for me is Sally Meyer's http://moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=923

Good luck to you with it!

Khamanna

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irish eyes
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Khamanna for the read

I'm currently working on the rewrite, trying to tighten it up a little more and create a little more tension without over doing it.

Thanks for the link, I just read it and it's a very nice short.

Mark


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alffy
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark, you've been busy.

i'm pushed for time so I'll keep it short.

I noticed a few mistakes here and there and there are a few times when you could have shortened sentences.

I thought the kids could have played more of a role as one made an appearence in the 20's but then nothing.  I thought they might have maybe interupted in thee 40's; a stroppy teenager maybe?

Overall though I really liked this.  The characters were very funny and believable.  There were some great one-liners.  The final scenes were very moving too, so yes, I thought this was a nice little short.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Others have commented on the passive verbiage - a simple fix.

The ending - I hate it since it was very sad. I liked it since that's the crux of this tale. lol. It'll depend on what the director would want to do with it. I say leave it.

Other than that, it was a very funny emotional tale.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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irish eyes
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Thanks Anthony glad you enjoyed it

Mark


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irish eyes
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Thanks for your kind words Gabe... I wouldn't like the ending changed, it would take away the realism I was trying to create

Mark


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Bogey
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Mark-

I enjoyed the story, and have one suggestion. Perhaps an occasional description of some items in the bedroom to mark the passage of time, like a framed photo of the couple's wedding, a prescription bottle on the nightstand, a retirement momento from work, etc.

-Rich
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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2013, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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Rich, welcome to the boards.


Quoted from Rich
I enjoyed the story, and have one suggestion. Perhaps an occasional description of some items in the bedroom to mark the passage of time, like a framed photo of the couple's wedding, a prescription bottle on the nightstand, a retirement momento from work, etc.


Thanks for the read and the feedback... I like your suggestion and I may use it in my redraft.

Mark


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Hey Mark - took a look at this, I've seen it's got some attention.

I didn't find this depressing - maybe bitter sweet, but you followed things through - natural causation, and I think that gives a story impact.

Your dialogue is your strong point, and you struggle with your descriptive paragraphs. You also have an issue with question marks ... easy fix, though.

The story works for me - but there are glitches, and this is to do with the appearance of the child. Either the child is ditched and you work as is, or following the first appearance, you refer to the child and reference the child's development (even by an O.S. "Bye!").

The dialogue reminded me of 'Rosanne' - and for me it worked very well.

The writing crashes on p.6(7), with the massage. Remember, writing is about you, and reveals information about you, and the way that you connect with the audience. There is a reason it crashes, and you have to figure that out.

WENDY
That was amazing, why did you stop?
JIM
I found the remote.
- nice line.

Other than that - you got the 'feel' of this over - and that's tricky to do, and you tell things in the right way.

A good read.
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irish eyes
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Thanks Simon for the read and feedback

I'm currently redrafting it, to fix the "Errors"

Thanks again

Mark


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Vaproductions
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Hi Mark. Another review for you.

1. As he looks to the heaven, his grin says it all.  What is the heaven? No description.

2. Your joke towards the Ghostbuster pants was funny to READ. But it wouldn't be funny on screen. It would just be a pair of pants that a lot of people may not be able to relate with.

3. Wendy punching Jim kinda through me off. It wasn't necessary! It would've been funny if Jim kept harassing Wendy about sex. But there was no build up like this of any kind. I felt like she punched him for no reason.

4. Jim just smiles, he has found his satisfaction. You should know whats wrong with this part.


Overall Mark. I think you have funny stories to read. But not too sure if they would be funny on the screen. I give this a 3.5 out of 5.
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Mark

Page by pages notes/reactions:

WENDY
You like.

- Should there be a question mark here?

“ghostbusters pajama bottoms.”

- Randomly enough I just watched Ghostbusters Friday night for the first time since I was very young in an outdoor theatre. And yes, there were people dressed up in Ghostbusters pyjamas and suits, nice!

I reckon a quick description as to how their looks have, or have not, changed in the ten or so years since the first scene wouldn’t go amiss here.

WENDY
Let's get this over with.

- Seems like a very cold thing to say. I realise that this is the tone for the scene, conveying the staleness of the ritual but I’m still surprised by Jim’s lack of taking offense to any of these sarky jibes. Nothing belittles a man more than scorn heaped upon his “lovemaking” skills!

A LITTLE GIRL, 5, stands at the entranceway.

- It would do no harm to give her a name.

“bald, poor eyesight and the ever elusive beer belly, to which
he rubs frequently.”

- Ah, you make up for the lack of description in the previous scene here. I love the “to which he rubs frequently” line.

JIM
Of course, it's that time of the
year I get laid, it coincides with
haley's comet.

- Good line but doesn’t Halley’s Comet come around every 75 years or something. Keep the humour just change the comparison to something that occurs per annum. Also, you spelt Halley wrong.

WENDY (CONT'D)
Wow. Have been watching videos.

- Should this be “Wow. Have you been watching videos?”

For some inexplicable reason the action lines on the bottom of page 6 to the top of page 7 are mostly in the past tense. Change it to the present.

JIM
I found the remote.

- Good line.

“he has found his satisfaction.”

- Rather odd piece of phrasing. You could just say “Jim just smiles, satisfied with himself” or just “Jim just smiles, satisfied”

Difficult to nail this one down in terms of tone, which is not necessarily a bad thing here, and it certain has its moments. Some good comedy value, I enjoyed the constant jokes and undermining rapport both characters inflict on one another, although, I found it hard to grasp whether it was genuine affection or actual signs of the passion receding as the years rolled by.

At first I thought it was the latter, that a steadying decrease in passion and enthusiasm for the special day would become more evident which each vignette thus the prospects of a gloomy ending were on the cards, again, this wouldn’t have been a bad thing.

However, you flip things nicely in the last three scenes by having Jim administer a massage(even he does cut it short, he still did it) and the second to last scene confirms their real love for one another beneath the mutual ridiculing. I’m just unsure as to whether you had reconciled with yourself from the outset how you wanted the story to come off or perhaps they did go through a rough patch as their youth disappeared but with age came greater appreciation of the fact that they still had each other.

Either way, it’s a solid two character, one location script, easily produced with a slightly sad but paradoxically uplifting ending in that their love endured for so long in its own particular way.

Col.


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LC
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I won't go over in detail what others have said cause that just kinda becomes overkill.

Just to say I relate to a lot of Col's comments re the tone of the piece. Some parts of this come across (to me at least) as your characters being a little indifferent to one another. I would have liked to have felt the bond between them a little stronger, similar to that which you evoke in the final scene. Make sense?

Everything just seemed a little subdued to me - their highs and lows.

A little more fleshing out of the characters in their interactions imho is what is needed.
Having said that, it's a great premise and I enjoyed the read.


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Quoted from Vaproductions
1. As he looks to the heaven, his grin says it all.  What is the heaven? No description.


You want me to describe heaven???? It's a figure of speech, when someone looks straight up


Quoted from Vaproductions
Your joke towards the Ghostbuster pants was funny to READ. But it wouldn't be funny on screen. It would just be a pair of pants that a lot of people may not be able to relate with.


It would be a pair of Ghostbuster pants


Quoted from Vaproductions
3. Wendy punching Jim kinda through me off. It wasn't necessary! It would've been funny if Jim kept harassing Wendy about sex. But there was no build up like this of any kind. I felt like she punched him for no reason.


Are you married? if not, then welcome to the world of marriage.


Quoted from vaproductions
4. Jim just smiles, he has found his satisfaction. You should know whats wrong with this part.


Actually I don't

Thanks for your feedback Vaproductions








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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 5th, 2013, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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So I'm not going to beat a dead horse here and repeat everything that the others have said, but I gotta say that I enjoyed this one. I wasn't sure where it was headed since each time something different would happen. It would be a comedy, or a drama, or both. Though, some times I couldn't tell if, when they said their lines, if they were offended or trying to insult one another, or if they were just joking with each other and insulted each other in a playful manner. I guess that's up to the director to decide if this ever gets filmed, which I could totally see it happening.

The ending did kind of punch me in the gut, and usually dramas don't affect me that way. I guess I put myself in the position, knowing that one day this will probably happen to me. Maybe. Who knows! But this was cute, sad, funny...way to mix it up!

Sean


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Quoted from Col
perhaps they did go through a rough patch as their youth disappeared but with age came greater appreciation of the fact that they still had each other.


This is exactly what I was trying to portray.

Thanks Col, your indepth feedback glad you enjoyed it

Mark


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irish eyes
Posted: February 6th, 2013, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks  LC for your read and feedback


Quoted from Sean
The ending did kind of punch me in the gut, and usually dramas don't affect me that way. I guess I put myself in the position, knowing that one day this will probably happen to me. Maybe. Who knows! But this was cute, sad, funny...way to mix it up![


Thanks Sean, it's gonna happen to all of us and I think that's what made this script so appealing... in a kinda bad way.

Mark




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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 7th, 2013, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Way to go proving the point I was trying to make on Scriptshadow this week!
You've got a clever easy to produce narrative that thinks INSIDE the box.
Or, in this particular case, inside the bedroom.

Lots of room to tinker with the dialogue.
It works, but could be more "specific" to the couple some.
And I agree that some more bedroom details would enhance their tale.
Family photos. Kids' trophies. Things that define their marriage, etc.

This reminds me of a scaled down version of Neil Simon's "Same Time, Next Year".
And I doubt most folks would even make that connection.
I recommend checking that out, could inspire you some.

Best of luck with the production!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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Thanks Brett

I love Neil Simon's work... I'll have to check it out

Mark


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Toby_E
Posted: February 7th, 2013, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

You've got a lot of feedback on this one, feedback which I haven't read, so I apologise if I am merely repeating what others have said!

But hey, I'm sure some more positive feedback can never hurt, right?

I loved this. Powerful, heartfelt stuff. Sure, there were a few problems with your writing (mainly in regards to unfilmables in your description), and I saw the ending coming, but that didn't lessen the impact of the story.

Great work, man.

Below are one or two mistakes I spotted (and most likely, so did others...):

Page 3- Wendy says: "Do you have thing ready." I believe that should read "a thing"?

Page 3- Jim: "Does my condom rolling skills bore you?" Shouldn't it be "do", as it is "skills"?

Page 7- Wendy: "Wow. Have been watching videos." This line doesn't really make sense, bud.

But yeah, I really enjoyed this. Great little short, and I imagine it will make a very powerful film; congrats on getting it picked up! Any news in regards to production schedule, etc.? I'm really curious to see how they film the time-lapses. Blue Valantine did it brilliantly, giving Ryan Gosling a dreadful moustache and a receding hairline.

Keep us updated

Toby.


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Hi Mark,

This was adorable. I won't get into your writing mistakes as they've already been addressed, but you tell a really worthwhile story in just a few pages.

While I found the ending bittersweet and, for the most part, satisfying, I wasn't too happy with its abruptness. I would have liked to have seen a 70-year-old Wendy putting on an old pair of Ghostbusters pajama pants as she climbed into her empty bed. Because those annoying quirks and traits your partner has? Those are the things you're going to miss most.

Really wonderful short. I loved it.

Chris


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Quoted from Toby
I really enjoyed this. Great little short, and I imagine it will make a very powerful film; congrats on getting it picked up! Any news in regards to production schedule, etc.? I'm really curious to see how they film the time-lapses.


Thanks for the read and feedback Toby... all I know so far is that he is content on finding a good makeup artist, because he wants to use the same actors throughout... so that should be interesting.

When I find out more, I'll let everyone know

Thanks again


Quoted from Chris
Really wonderful short. I loved it.


Thank you Chris for your kind comments... I tried to capture as much emotion as I could, in one location with minimum characters and thankfully it came out good...

As I wrote this in 2 hours, there are quite a few mistakes, but I have just finished the redraft and I will post it too.

Thanks

Mark





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irish eyes
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Thanks for posting the redraft Don

Mark


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ThomasJamieson
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Hi Mark,

I read 11:07 just now, and I have to say it touched me. I could have assumed what the payoff at the end would be; however, I did not see that coming as I read it. Your writing style overall is clear and concise, with some exceptions. I think the characters could have a bit more of a connection in places. The 20s is fun, but they become sort of disconnect in their 30s. I understand you are showing the evolution of a relationship, but the throughline should always be they are connected to each other, they just love each other to death, no matter what. This way the emotional payoff at the end would be even greater.

There were small issues throughout, which have already been addressed in earlier comments (i.e. Ghostbusters pajamas not being relatable; Wendy punching Jim without any buildup; some awkward phrasing "Jim just smiles, he has found his satisfaction", dialogue could be more specific in places etc.).

I like it overall. Nice work in two hours. I hope this feedback is useful.

Tom
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irish eyes
Posted: February 8th, 2014, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tom welcome to SS

I didn't expect this to show up again on the portal.

The whole premise is obviously based around one time, one date, once a year every decade. The newly weds to the aging grandparents.
Some people commented on the 30's as being distant in a way, it was only one day out of the 30,s and for most couples(like myself) it all becomes a challenge after you have that first kid.


Quoted from Tom
Wendy punching Jim without any buildup


I don't know if you're married, but had a few of those .. a playful punch i may add

Thanks for your feedback Tom and glad you liked it

Mark


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Mr.Ripley
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That's when you know you have a good script. When people who've already read it, want to read it again.

Man I can't wait to see the short. How's it coming out? lol.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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irish eyes
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Hey Gabe



I can email you what the producer has sent me so far, it's practically finished minus some sound editing.

Mark


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SAC
Posted: February 20th, 2014, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

This was really good. Funny, sad, bittersweet. I guess cuz I'm married with kids I feel a particular attachment to this, but I don't think you need all that to realize or feel the charm here. It's sparse, with just the right amounts of action, no overwriting. And your dialogue is realistic and funny.

Not much else to say here. I liked this a whole lot.

See ya on the Wish Cow thread.

Steve


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irish eyes
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Hey Steve

Thanks for the read glad you liked it.
The finished production should be up soon.

I owe you a read or 2, point me in the direction and I'll give it a read... otherwise I'll just pick a few

Mark


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James McClung
Posted: February 20th, 2014, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Not bad, this one. Honestly holds together quite well. A few typos here and there and some orphans you ought to clean up. Other than that, I didn't find any issues that were particularly outstanding or even worth mentioning. I guess I could see where it was going a mile away but this seems like something that's meant to deliver on its promise rather than surprise the reader so no worries.

Job well done, I'd say. Kudos.


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James

Thanks for the read and kind comments... I tried to keep it as low budget as possible while creating a heart felt story.

Mark


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rendevous
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The title caught my eye. I read it then realised it's been filmed so my comments are even more moot than usual.

Suffice to say I quite enjoyed it. Not sure how it'll work out on screen. Good look with that ageing process...

It could be really good. Best of luck.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Gary in Houston
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Mark, glad to see this is being filmed! I remember this from awhile back and it's always stuck with me.  Will be interested how it turns out on the screen!  Good luck with this!

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Quoted from Rendevous
Suffice to say I quite enjoyed it. Not sure how it'll work out on screen. Good look with that ageing process...


Thanks for the read and glad you enjoyed it... I've seen the film and sadly to say the ageing process was not very good when they changed actors   beggars can't be choosers I suppose.


Quoted from Gary
Mark, glad to see this is being filmed! I remember this from awhile back and it's always stuck with me.  Will be interested how it turns out on the screen!  Good luck with this!


GARY! hey buddy, where have you been?

Have you wrote anything new? How about that DJ Script when you worked at the rock station?

Good to hear from you

I'll email the nearly finished film to you if you want

Mark


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Gary in Houston
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Mark!
That would be great -- would love to see it!

Been working with a director on a feature film script the last six months -- met with him on Saturday and the script is going out for casting middle of March with filming in late July to Labor Day, so pretty excited about that - that's kept me out of sight for awhile.

But interestingly enough, I gave him a logline for that DJ film and some others, and that was one he expressed some interest in. I'll send you the synopsis to see what you think if you don't mind!

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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irish eyes
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I'll email you

Mark


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StevenHarvey
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Mark,

One gripe if I can even call it that. A difference of opinion. I'll get it out of the way now. The only times I'd have Jim or Wendy mention "eleven o seven" is the first time and the last time. The others, I'd just use the SUPER: 11.07, and instead of THIRTIES etc I'd have the day and date. Something like:

SUPER: March 24th 1991 - 11.07

But like I said, that's just my opinion.

Now that's out of the way. This is the kind of thing I'd love to be able to write. The sheer honesty in this. Nothing glamorous or fancy. Just, a clean, fun little story, and yes it is depressing but not to the point of emotional exhaustion. Just nature taking its course.

Between the Ghostbusters pyjamas and this:



Quoted Text
WENDY
That was amazing, why did you stop?

JIM
I found the remote.

Jim turns the TV on.

WENDY
(laughing)
You bastard.

Jim just smiles, satisfied.



Cracked me up something serious. I haven't read many shorts here YET but this is easily my favorite so far.
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Lovely read!!
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Thank you

Mark


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11:07 has been filmed.


11:07 from 7Wolves Studio. on Vimeo.



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Has a nice ring to it!


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Looks good!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
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Test


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Thank you, Don, for posting this !!!

Wrote in 2013, it was remade by a filmmaker in Philadelphia in 2020 and just released a few weeks ago at a few film festivals in Pennsylvania.

I got to see it in an IMAX theater and participate in a Q & A with the audience.

It won the best Short movie award at one of the festivals.

Thanks to SS, of course, from where it was discovered

p.s It's also strange looking back nearly ten years at the old members  


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Hey Mark,

Congrats with this! Very nice production values and solid acting from both leads. I thought it was touching.

James


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Yuvraj
Posted: November 6th, 2022, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Mark!


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 7th, 2022, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice! It was really sweet.

The 2016 version link doesn’t work anymore, how do the 2 versions compare?


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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SAC
Posted: November 8th, 2022, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Buddy,

Glad to see this got picked up and filmed again. Awesome that it won an award too! I haven’t watched it yet, but it’s in my queue.  

Steve


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irish eyes
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Quoted Text
Hey Mark,

Congrats with this! Very nice production values and solid acting from both leads. I thought it was touching.

James


Thank you James. Very proud of how it turned out


Quoted from Yuvraj
Congrats, Mark!


Thanks Yuvraj


Quoted from HyperMatt
Very nice! It was really sweet.

The 2016 version link doesn�t work anymore, how do the 2 versions compare?


Hi Matthew

The first version was low budget, around $1000, whereas this was roughly made for $16000.
The first one means a lot to me as it was the first short I ever made from one of my scripts.

Regarding acting and coming close to what I was trying to portray, the 2nd version is superior.  



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LC
Posted: November 9th, 2022, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Great job, Mark!

Wow, Best Short, a Q&A, as well as IMAX?
Congrats!

P.S. Something of Jamie Dornan going on with that lead actor.


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irish eyes
Posted: November 11th, 2022, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Hey Buddy,

Glad to see this got picked up and filmed again. Awesome that it won an award too! I haven’t watched it yet, but it’s in my queue.  

Steve


Thanks bud


Quoted Text
Great job, Mark!

Wow, Best Short, a Q&A, as well as IMAX?
Congrats!

P.S. Something of Jamie Dornan going on with that lead actor.


Thanks Libby. Jamie Dornan, a little Northern Irishman like myself




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Andrew
Posted: November 12th, 2022, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats and lovely short.


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SAC
Posted: November 14th, 2022, 5:40am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Dude,

I can see how this little film won an award. Nice performances, understated acting. Great job! Now if someone would just make Arthur The Legend.  


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irish eyes
Posted: November 19th, 2022, 8:10am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Andrew and Steve.
I think the budget might me a little high for Arthur


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eldave1
Posted: November 21st, 2022, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Very poignant. Nice job and congrats!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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irish eyes
Posted: November 22nd, 2022, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dave!!!


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