All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
For a guy who isn't big on Monopoly, I found myself surprised by the obvious scandal the more I read. The dialogue is really good, and dictates a fantastic pace. When these characters said something - I believed it. As expected, Chuck mimics his actions through the game. By the end I was relieved that nothing came across cheesy, it should've happened a dozen times but didn't.
I appreciate that the author didn't overload the characters on the first page, rather let us get to know Chuck and Hanna briefly before bringing others onboard.
The physical descriptions here are bland and common, although I did like Stephanie's farm-girl bit. Nothing else to say other than I enjoyed this one. Great work!
The game aspect was very well incorporated into this one. The characters, especially the two men, are well drawn and distinctive. The twist of the affair was given away just a little too quickly, but I still like how Chuck kept using items from the game to make his points. This is a very solid entry.
Are hotels green in the US version of Monopoly? Here the houses are green, the hotels are red.
I would have liked to have seen more nods to the game, but for a few hours effort this is good work. I was hoping for a clever twist, but it works as a linear story.
Great job on this one! Easy to follow along, and a feeling of dread coming right from the start. Tone never changed. You knew something bad was coming, just not what. The reveal was good, and there was plenty of tension. Loved the Mercedes line, and the bitch dog line.
logline - is quite persuasive, and oozes tension, the question is whether the script can pull it off.
Actually, i never thought of dice in my limited consideration, not a bad choice
continues to chew he sizes up the question. - missing something in there i think Caitlin Jenner was first place. - funny
just as an aside - I'm not sure what type of place we are in - is this a care home? in the UK a residential home is for the elderly and such like, but this probably just means a house in this script.
Okay, really, it's been fun - yeah, been a blast with old chucky
I wouldn't have never done -- ???
bad chucky, bad
finished
i quite like the setting against monopoly and how it linked with he gave. Perhaps a few too many moves etc but not bad.
this is a sound entry, tidy work. perhaps nothing too radical, but considering the challenge, nicely played
suggestions - felt a little lost about where we were - i.e. location - and the relationship with the other couple, we assume they are meant to be friends, could be fleshed out. perhaps to add conflict they could fight back with stories about him, or secretly call the police etc
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
The play on words in the title went right by me until after I finished.
Hotels are red, at least they used to be.
I enjoyed this. Brisk writing, good dialogue. Your sense of timing is on the money; eg., you let us know what's going on at just the right point in the story.
Monopoly was well-integrated. The script is kind of a model for what this OWC is supposed to be.
Okay – a nice entry. One that I feel needs cleaning, but has a great bone structure to work with.
The major pluses – a very good feel for dialogue/banter here. And well-done parallels between the subtext of the character conflict, and the game: including Life Insurance, Hotels and Go to Jail. And a few stand out lines: It IS a bitch. The reference to Sorry, and getting it “off her chest.” - also good.
Though I have to add – someone SHOULD have asked if it was a mistake - should they have been playing “Clue.”?
A few story items that do need a tweak. IMO: the main line of the story meanders a bit, and could be tightened up. My rec: streamline description of the board moves – it’s not that needed; everyone knows how Monopoly looks. And the killing scenes – while I’m terribly dark myself in much of my writing, I don’t see it necessary to describe the blood spatter so graphically. Those visuals can still be rich, but chiseled.
And my one big issue: surely, there’s *no way* a cop on meds would be allowed to keep his revolver; and his wife surely wouldn’t agree to let him have it on game night. Have him smuggle it in, instead.
Other than that, a few minor typos to note:
p. 1 - extra space before square jaw p. 1 – Continues to chew AS he sizes up the question p. 3 – Demitri’s (COMMA) then against p. 7 Stephanie’S question
But definitely – this is one submission that could ultimately be polished up and allowed to shine!
I can't think of any problems with this script. I thought that the story went very well, and there were some great lines of dialogue. I loved Stephanie's remark about how she got second place.
I thought this was really solid and the writer has clearly put a lot of thought into it. The parallels between the Monopoly game and the source of conflict was handled really well.
There were a few typos throughout, so a bit more time to proofread this would've helped.
I could see where this was going very early on, but it was still an enjoyable read.
I kind of had a feeling where this was going. Chuck seemed on the brink. The writing was clean and I enjoyed how you used the game to reveal critical information.
The writing was strong, the setup easy to follow and a fitting finish. Not much more to say. Very strong entry.
Dustin, was this yours?? It was good if it was. It reminded me a tiny bit of your one story: dissassociation...
I thought it was well rounded, the randomness of the hotel had major significance...
It takes a lot of cash to build hotels on PP and BW...
I'm an expert of monopoly. My sis and I must have played 500 games when we were younger, if not more...
It was a lot of fun.
SPOILERS
One missed opportunity could have been to let the cheating wife land on community chest and make a comment about her chest being fondled by a community...
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
A well-balanced read. We have a troubled cop, a cheating wife, a slimy best friend, all the elements of a noir plot and a bad ending. I liked it. Given some muted lighting and decent acting, it could work. The ending plays well with the game but doesn't surprise. Any way to twist this one?
I think "Atlantic Avenue" would have been a more fitting, less generic title.
The dialogue here was pretty good. No major format or spelling errors which is always a plus. I liked the incorporation of Monopoly into the plot. Those where some of the best lines I thought that cross referenced the game. The idea was a good once though I agree with others that the cat came outta the bag a little too fast and not much changed after that. But it built suspense and I dreaded where I could tell the story was going.
A small pet peeve of mine, but I hate seeing a characters wardrobe passed off as description. I don't really know anything about Dmitri with how you've introduced him by focusing on attire. I'd rather you introduce him checking out Hannah as that build way more character.
But overall, a solid, if predictable script. Good job!
Out of the six I've read, I think this is now my favourite. Really good job. Simple and engaging to read, and would be great to watch. The writing was good and it was a quick read.
I liked this one, however, as soon as Chuck said, you like hotels too don't you, it was clear what was coming. If you can delay that a bit so it's still a mystery for a little bit longer of what's going on, that would be great.
Hannah also says that the meds Chuck are on makes him catatonic. Okay, must be pretty heavy meds. Would he still be allowed on duty? Drive a car? Have a service gun?
My highest rated so far of the ten or so I've read. Had a pretty good pace, and the dialogue was fairly good. I think it went on a little long - probably could be trimmed about a page or so. Chuck spends too much time quizzing and re-quizzing everyone about the hotel.
Also, when he shoots Hannah, it's like it's a surprise that he's holding the gun. No one makes any reference to the fact that Chuck is pointing the weapon at Hannah as she's speaking and he cuts her off in mid sentence (which was done to try and be a little clever with the whole "chest" thing). IMO, it's a little much.
Still, a very good effort here.
My scores (out of 5) Concept: 4.0 Story: 4.5 Character: 4.0 Dialogue: 4.0 Writing: 4.5 Overall: 4.2
All the best! Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
A dirty thriller to my liking. The "cheating" plot is a bit generic but here again, the characters, especially the prot, are top-notch. Very entertaining story around the Monopoly game.
Perhaps the set up was a bit slow, allthough actually, nothing to speak of for real.
Detailed, noticeable accuracy went in here. A great performance of you. Very strong third act.
HANNAH You're awful quiet. Something happen at work today?
Be careful here; this is bordering on OTN.
Quoted Text
Chuck stares at Hannah - continues to chew he sizes up the question.
Huh?
Quoted Text
HANNAH You know your counselor said it was bad to bottle things up. (beat) You stop taking your meds?
Quoted Text
HANNAH Well, the Petersons (no apostrophe) are supposed to be here at seven. We can cancel if you're not up to it?
Quoted Text
Chuck wipes the corner of his mouth with a napkin, stands up and removes his service revolver from his holster and places it on a nearby table.
Foreshadowing?
Quoted Text
CHUCK Naw. I'm up for a game.
Page 2. You're making good time.
Monopoly introduced at the beginning of page 3. You're making great time.
Two back-to-back great intros. I would maybe split Stephanie's paragraph in half.
Monopoly should be capitalized.
Quoted Text
DEMETRI Don't let it go to your head, sweetie. Caitlin Jenner was first place.
Yikes! Too soon? I'm not into the whole PC mindset, but still.
Quoted Text
STEPHANIE I thought it was insensitive.
I detest political correctness, but I agree.
"If I do say so myself," I believe, should have a comma before.
Man, Chuck seems like the friendliest fella you'll ever meet.
Quoted Text
CHUCK Cunt-tucky [A]venue.
This reads well on the page, but you would need an actor to nail the enunciation, emphasize the pun.
Quoted Text
DEMETRI My turn.
I dunno. Seems a tad OTN. Why can't he just take the dice without saying anything? It's not like he's stealing a turn; I'd expect Chuck to maybe do something like that.
Also, you don't make it clear that Demetri is male until after he rolls the dice. But apparently, according to Google, it's a male name by default. Still sounds feminine to me. Then again, I thought Errol Flynn was a woman's name, because it sounds too much like Ethel or Carol. Must be thinking of Demetria.
Quoted Text
Demetri counts out $350 in play money and tosses it in the games's bank - a cardboard cut out. From a pile of cards, Stephanie hands Chuck the PARK PLACE PROPERTY CARD. He raises it to his lips and kisses it.
I'd break this up into several paragraphs, one per thought/shot.
Quoted Text
DEMETRI And with Boardwalk, that gives me a monopoly. I'll buy one hotel.
The only context in which "monopoly" should be lowercase.
Quoted Text
HANNAH Chuck! Say you're sorry.
Wrong game. I think I know what happened to Chuck at work.
Quoted Text
STEPHANIE Okay, really, it's been fun but we should get going. Demetri has an early tee time anyway.
Why is Demetri in such a rush to wear a tee shirt? It's "tea," right?
Quoted Text
Chuck leans over and grabs his service revolver from the table adjacent to him. He points it at Demetri.
A setup with a payoff. Great job!
Irony and coincidence are two different things. Nothing in Alanis Morrissette's song is ironic, despite the title.
Quoted Text
STEPHANIE (reading/weeping) Life Insurance matures. Collect one hundred dollars. Please, I want to go home.
Foreshadowing?
Quoted Text
CHUCK Hold on to that. It may come in handy.
Ooh. More foreshadowing.
Quoted Text
CHUCK Only one car. Oh, I'll use this for
Hannah. Chuck picks up the SILVER DOG play piece and places it in front of the hotel.
CHUCK It is a bitch after all.
Nice wordplay.
Again, the difference between coincidence and irony.
Quoted Text
BANG! - a bullet splashes through Demetri's forehead. Blood spatters on the white wall behind [Demetri].
Quoted Text
CHUCK (opening the door) Hmmm, maybe we should have played Sorry.
Nice zinger.
Very solid story. Went right into it. Lots of tension, suspense, unease. Expertly written.