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The story here is a bit simple for me - I would want more from father and son's conversation. Some detail, something concrete, maybe a confession or something that makes their convo more personal and overall more.
But it's a full story, the ending makes the story complete. The characters could be more fun to make the story shine I think.
It didn't get me as much as I'd hoped which may be due to page count. But, I think you need to up the rhythm.
DAD (tries to sound calm) Dillon. You need to think. Where are ya'? Where is the closest exit?
More of this (above) would add suspense.. Dad helping Dillon find an escape route or hide. Take out the wrylie - does it sound to your ear more urgent without it, more creepy?
GUNSHOTS, followed instantly by the THUD of Dillon's body hitting the floor.
I'd leave out 'of Dillon's body' - let your audience just feel the gravity of hearing a heavy: THUD sound effect. And then Dad's reaction.
The Young Man takes deep, panicked breaths. In the B.G., a fire alarm BLARES. I'd forego the prefacing of 'The Young Man' A fire alarm blares. Deep panicked breaths. Same with:
A brief moment of silence. Just Silence perhaps? Dillon releases a slight WHIMPER. Whimpers or whimpering. 'releases a slight'? Just go for what we hear - whimpering.
PANICKED WOMAN (distressed) Dr. Maynard!? I'm afraid we've got a bit of an emergency here at the hospital! I'm sorry, sir. I have no idea why you weren't contacted earlier. One of the patients escaped this morning! There's strong reason to believe that the he intends to harm innocent people...
So, he's a doctor? Unless it serves the story's suspense, which I don't think it does, I don't think that last para adds much.
It's a great premise. In a rewrite I'd personally go for shorter quicker bursts of dialogue and of Dad trying to assist Dillon in getting the hell out of there. Maybe have him stuck in a stairwell in the dark. If he says it's dark, he can't see, that might add to it. Sorry, probably getting carried away.
(Just read comments) I agree with Kham re a confession or something he feels he needs his father to know before he cops it. Dad tells him none of that matters etc.
Interesting and topical take on mass shootings recently. Strong connection between father and son, but I would have liked to have seen father and son try to do more to escape and build the tension until his son meets his fate.
I was confused by the last paragraph. I don't think it's relevant unless it's someone that the father was treating. Actually what would have made this really interesting would be that the father was the head of the National Rifle Association (NRA) or something like that, where he's feeling the pain so many other parents are feeling after these type of incidents.
Good job and best of luck with it.
Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
First one of the batch, I don't read previous comment so if I repeat anything, apologies.
Not going to ding you for it but that off-center title page is such an easy fix.
Love me some Kashmir.
I'm not sure how much value the PANICKED WOMAN at the end adds.
That was good, brutal and sad. I couple of things I would have done differently as far as the writing goes, but what you have is clear and easy to follow.
Very apt considering the sheer amount of mass shootings in the US revently and very powerful.
I've just read quite a few reports of similar real-life calls over the years which made this felt a bit cut & pasted from those, although it was a nice twist at the end.
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Personally, I would have extended this further, more conversation between the two, playing on the emotions and the "what do you say to each other in these situations?" The father's attempts to save his son were short-lived, I think I would be screaming for him to hide or run, anything (especially the moment he says he's been spotted and the Dad doesn't really say anything, he's already resigned himself)... not been in that situation but that's my first thought.
I would also not have the panicked woman at the end about an escaped patient, it really cheapens the story.
Yeah not bad, but the emotion and drama could be really ramped up in this.