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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Goodbye - 04C
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  Author    Goodbye - 04C  (currently 1015 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Goodbye by Zack Akers (writing as  Blank name) - Short, Drama - A father receives the worst phone call of his life. - 0 format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 17th, 2021, 8:44am
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Love me some Zeppelin and that song in particular.

This is a very timely topic.

Loved the twist at the ending.

Okay – very poignant – it hit me. All parameters hit, Nice job here.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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khamanna
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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The story here is a bit simple for me - I would want more from father and son's conversation. Some detail, something concrete, maybe a confession or something that makes their convo more personal and overall more.

But it's a full story, the ending makes the story complete. The characters could be more fun to make the story shine I think.
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MarkD
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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This really hits home especially with what's been in the news recently. Pretty solid effort overall.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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For very personal reasons this had me in tears.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JEStaats
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Good work, writer. A very difficult subject to put on a page and more difficult to produce. Heart wrenching topic that can be hard to read.

Meets the parameters - Good luck.
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Geezis
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Very well done. Tough topic to broach but I think you managed this very well.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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LC
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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I wondered if someone might go for this topic.

It didn't get me as much as I'd hoped which may be due to page count.
But, I think you need to up the rhythm.

DAD
(tries to sound calm)
Dillon. You need to think. Where are
ya'? Where is the closest exit?


More of this (above) would add suspense.. Dad helping Dillon find an escape route or hide. Take out the wrylie - does it sound to your ear more urgent without it, more creepy?

GUNSHOTS, followed instantly by the THUD of Dillon's body
hitting the floor.


I'd leave out 'of Dillon's body' - let your audience just feel the gravity of hearing a heavy: THUD sound effect. And then Dad's reaction.

The Young Man takes deep, panicked breaths. In the B.G., a
fire alarm BLARES.

I'd forego the prefacing of 'The Young Man'
A fire alarm blares.
Deep panicked breaths.
Same with:

A brief moment of silence.
Just Silence perhaps?
Dillon releases a slight WHIMPER.
Whimpers or whimpering. 'releases a slight'? Just go for what we hear - whimpering.

PANICKED WOMAN
(distressed)
Dr. Maynard!? I'm afraid we've got a
bit of an emergency here at the
hospital! I'm sorry, sir. I have no
idea why you weren't contacted
earlier. One of the patients escaped
this morning! There's strong reason to
believe that the he intends to harm
innocent people...

So, he's a doctor? Unless it serves the story's suspense, which I don't think it does, I don't think that last para adds much.

It's a great premise. In a rewrite I'd personally go for shorter quicker bursts of dialogue and of Dad trying to assist Dillon in getting the hell out of there. Maybe have him stuck in a stairwell in the dark. If he says it's dark, he can't see, that might add to it. Sorry, probably getting carried away.

(Just read comments) I agree with Kham re a confession or something he feels he needs his father to know before he cops it. Dad tells him none of that matters etc.

Nice work.
Sorry for the novel.



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MarkItZero
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Damn, that was good. Felt real. And you managed to link it all together at the end. Don't have anything to add other than... amazing job!


That rug really tied the room together.
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jayrex
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 5:59am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's alright.  Not bad effort.

It could do with a rewrite.  

I feel it meets the challenge.


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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting and topical take on mass shootings recently.  Strong connection between father and son, but I would have liked to have seen father and son try to do more to escape and build the tension until his son meets his fate.

I was confused by the last paragraph.  I don't think it's relevant unless it's someone that the father was treating.  Actually what would have made this really interesting would be that the father was the head of the National Rifle Association (NRA) or something like that, where he's feeling the pain so many other parents are feeling after these type of incidents.

Good job and best of luck with it.

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Warren
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

First one of the batch, I don't read previous comment so if I repeat anything, apologies.

Not going to ding you for it but that off-center title page is such an easy fix.

Love me some Kashmir.

I'm not sure how much value the PANICKED WOMAN at the end adds.

That was good, brutal and sad. I couple of things I would have done differently as far as the writing goes, but what you have is clear and easy to follow.

Nice one.

All the best.


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SteveClark
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

IMO, too ripped from the headlines. I appreciate the reveal, and what you tried to do. You had a full story, though, but just not for me.

Steve


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Very apt considering the sheer amount of mass shootings in the US revently and very powerful.

I've just read quite a few reports of similar real-life calls over the years which made this felt a bit cut & pasted from those, although it was a nice twist at the end.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

Personally, I would have extended this further, more conversation between the two, playing on the emotions and the "what do you say to each other in these situations?"
The father's attempts to save his son were short-lived, I think I would be screaming for him to hide or run, anything (especially the moment he says he's been spotted and the Dad doesn't really say anything, he's already resigned himself)... not been in that situation but that's my first thought.

I would also not have the panicked woman at the end about an escaped patient, it really cheapens the story.

Yeah not bad, but the emotion and drama could be really ramped up in this.

Well done

Matt


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