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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Goodbye - 04C
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  Author    Goodbye - 04C  (currently 1277 views)
PKCardinal
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Well done.

I would agree that adding a few personal exchanges between the father and son would up the emotional impact. Since you'll have more pages, consider finding a personal item that they work through (I'm sorry I... no, I'm sorry I...) and intersperse that with trying to find an escape. Ping back and forth between the two until the personal item is resolved with a "none of that matters, I love you, that's what matters" type moment and the shooter finding the son.

And, count one vote against the ending. I think it hits harder ending on the father processing what just happened. But, obviously, others disagree.

Good stuff. Thanks for sharing.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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irish eyes
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 6:38am Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Kashmir... Good song not sure if you can use it if you don't own the rights... Maybe if it's just a ring tone.

A pretty decent entry based on a nearly every other week even the US.

A parent's nightmare hearing their child's last dying words... Although I thought the Dad  came off as more relaxed than should be.

The last paragraph wasn't needed in my opinion


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Gum
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Oh man, these are always tough to get through, but I think you did a pretty good job capturing the despair and helplessness involved with the whole scenario, well done.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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Zack
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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A timely subject that doesn't pull any punches. The reveal at the end makes it even more heartbreaking. Challenge is met. No issues with the writing, other than a typo or two. Good work here.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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ReneC
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was a gut punch. Timely and relevant, predictable but still impactful. The dread comes right off the bat and just gets stronger with every passing line of dialogue.

I didn't like the ending though. It's a step backwards away from the edge, a softer landing than had it simply ended or, worse, if the person he thought was calling (wife perhaps?) did call with the humdrum excuses he was expecting. That juxtaposition would have twisted the knife, especially if it was indeed the wife. But making him somehow involved in the incident...is he supposed to be culpable? Because that would have been something too, but there's no hint of that other than he supposedly works at the facility this shooter came from.

You wanted to put a cap on the ending and I felt that's where this misses the mark (see what I did there? Or is that too soon?).


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_ghostwriters
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 3:19am Report to Moderator
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OK. Not that I have anything so great to add except a fresh eye. The pain and the tension are well drawn and the dialogue rings true. Some very fine work writer. Best of Irish luck with it. -A


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Spqr
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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A timely choice of subject matter. Well written, but I think Dillon doesn’t come off as a character who’s hard to care about given that he makes no effort to escape or fight back. The phone call from the hospital doesn’t add anything to the story, since it’s just a coincidence the shooter escaped from there that morning. How about a more direct connection between the shooter and Dr. Maynard? Perhaps the shooter was released from a psych ward at his recommendation?
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Zack
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Thanks for reading, everyone. Seems like most of you really enjoyed it. I'm really happy with what I brought to the table this time out. Thought I might finally get me one of those damn mugs! Oh well, there's always the next challenge.

As for the ending, it was my way of adding an extra layer to the story. It was meant to imply that the father could have likely saved his son, if only the hospital had called and warned him just five minutes earlier. Definitely think I could have handled the ending better. Thanks to all these reviews, I believe I've got a really good idea of what I'll be doing with a rewrite.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Robert Timsah
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Story Is Structure

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Gut punch, damn. Difficult to imagine, let alone write and the rules on this challenge scared me away, so good job.

My "Marilyn" Hat on:

I think the phone call with his son should disconnect - then the father takes the second call. I don't think a parent is going to hang up that phone for anything, desperate to hear their child's voice. But I'm not 100% sure on the rules? Marilyn also wants a slugline for the dad's location - where is the dad calling from?

Shut Up, Marilyn!


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Zack
Posted: May 5th, 2021, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from Robert Timsah
Gut punch, damn. Difficult to imagine, let alone write and the rules on this challenge scared me away, so good job.

My "Marilyn" Hat on:

I think the phone call with his son should disconnect - then the father takes the second call. I don't think a parent is going to hang up that phone for anything, desperate to hear their child's voice. But I'm not 100% sure on the rules? Marilyn also wants a slugline for the dad's location - where is the dad calling from?

Shut Up, Marilyn!


Thanks for reading, Dude! And thank you, Marilyn, for the feedback.

That's actually a good suggestion, having the call disconnect. Thanks.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Zack
Posted: June 17th, 2021, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Updated draft is up. Thank you, Don.

Changed the ending and made a few minor tweaks.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Zack
Posted: July 9th, 2021, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Any chance I could have this short moved to the short drama thread?


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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LC
Posted: July 9th, 2021, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Moved, Zack!  


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Zack
Posted: July 9th, 2021, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Thanks, Libby!

I'm interested in hearing people's thoughts on the new ending.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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LC
Posted: July 9th, 2021, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Checked out the new draft, Zack.

Luckily for me I quoted text in my original feedback. No need to ask how the original ended.  

I like this ending better...
I suppose I thought it was just a tiny bit understated.

When Dad takes the final call at the end and it's Mary, isn't there a possibility it might have been Dillon again? Or at least wouldn't Dad answer still holding out hope that Dillon escaped the shooter and he's calling again?

Then he discovers it's Mary, then -
Dad SNIFFLES.

I think sniffles is too light on.
An anguished cry or scream maybe at that point?

I think you need to pack a punch there with his response.
Countering with the ordinary and mundane with Mary talking about dinner.

It's just so damned sad I keep hoping Dillon got away.




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