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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Goodbye - 04C
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  Author    Goodbye - 04C  (currently 1163 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Goodbye by Zack Akers (writing as  Blank name) - Short, Drama - A father receives the worst phone call of his life. - 0 format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 17th, 2021, 8:44am
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Love me some Zeppelin and that song in particular.

This is a very timely topic.

Loved the twist at the ending.

Okay – very poignant – it hit me. All parameters hit, Nice job here.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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khamanna
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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The story here is a bit simple for me - I would want more from father and son's conversation. Some detail, something concrete, maybe a confession or something that makes their convo more personal and overall more.

But it's a full story, the ending makes the story complete. The characters could be more fun to make the story shine I think.
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MarkD
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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This really hits home especially with what's been in the news recently. Pretty solid effort overall.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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For very personal reasons this had me in tears.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JEStaats
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Good work, writer. A very difficult subject to put on a page and more difficult to produce. Heart wrenching topic that can be hard to read.

Meets the parameters - Good luck.
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Geezis
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Very well done. Tough topic to broach but I think you managed this very well.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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LC
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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I wondered if someone might go for this topic.

It didn't get me as much as I'd hoped which may be due to page count.
But, I think you need to up the rhythm.

DAD
(tries to sound calm)
Dillon. You need to think. Where are
ya'? Where is the closest exit?


More of this (above) would add suspense.. Dad helping Dillon find an escape route or hide. Take out the wrylie - does it sound to your ear more urgent without it, more creepy?

GUNSHOTS, followed instantly by the THUD of Dillon's body
hitting the floor.


I'd leave out 'of Dillon's body' - let your audience just feel the gravity of hearing a heavy: THUD sound effect. And then Dad's reaction.

The Young Man takes deep, panicked breaths. In the B.G., a
fire alarm BLARES.

I'd forego the prefacing of 'The Young Man'
A fire alarm blares.
Deep panicked breaths.
Same with:

A brief moment of silence.
Just Silence perhaps?
Dillon releases a slight WHIMPER.
Whimpers or whimpering. 'releases a slight'? Just go for what we hear - whimpering.

PANICKED WOMAN
(distressed)
Dr. Maynard!? I'm afraid we've got a
bit of an emergency here at the
hospital! I'm sorry, sir. I have no
idea why you weren't contacted
earlier. One of the patients escaped
this morning! There's strong reason to
believe that the he intends to harm
innocent people...

So, he's a doctor? Unless it serves the story's suspense, which I don't think it does, I don't think that last para adds much.

It's a great premise. In a rewrite I'd personally go for shorter quicker bursts of dialogue and of Dad trying to assist Dillon in getting the hell out of there. Maybe have him stuck in a stairwell in the dark. If he says it's dark, he can't see, that might add to it. Sorry, probably getting carried away.

(Just read comments) I agree with Kham re a confession or something he feels he needs his father to know before he cops it. Dad tells him none of that matters etc.

Nice work.
Sorry for the novel.



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MarkItZero
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Damn, that was good. Felt real. And you managed to link it all together at the end. Don't have anything to add other than... amazing job!


That rug really tied the room together.
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jayrex
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 5:59am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's alright.  Not bad effort.

It could do with a rewrite.  

I feel it meets the challenge.


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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting and topical take on mass shootings recently.  Strong connection between father and son, but I would have liked to have seen father and son try to do more to escape and build the tension until his son meets his fate.

I was confused by the last paragraph.  I don't think it's relevant unless it's someone that the father was treating.  Actually what would have made this really interesting would be that the father was the head of the National Rifle Association (NRA) or something like that, where he's feeling the pain so many other parents are feeling after these type of incidents.

Good job and best of luck with it.

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Warren
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

First one of the batch, I don't read previous comment so if I repeat anything, apologies.

Not going to ding you for it but that off-center title page is such an easy fix.

Love me some Kashmir.

I'm not sure how much value the PANICKED WOMAN at the end adds.

That was good, brutal and sad. I couple of things I would have done differently as far as the writing goes, but what you have is clear and easy to follow.

Nice one.

All the best.


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SteveClark
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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I got a rock.

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Writer,

IMO, too ripped from the headlines. I appreciate the reveal, and what you tried to do. You had a full story, though, but just not for me.

Steve


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Very apt considering the sheer amount of mass shootings in the US revently and very powerful.

I've just read quite a few reports of similar real-life calls over the years which made this felt a bit cut & pasted from those, although it was a nice twist at the end.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

Personally, I would have extended this further, more conversation between the two, playing on the emotions and the "what do you say to each other in these situations?"
The father's attempts to save his son were short-lived, I think I would be screaming for him to hide or run, anything (especially the moment he says he's been spotted and the Dad doesn't really say anything, he's already resigned himself)... not been in that situation but that's my first thought.

I would also not have the panicked woman at the end about an escaped patient, it really cheapens the story.

Yeah not bad, but the emotion and drama could be really ramped up in this.

Well done

Matt


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PKCardinal
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Well done.

I would agree that adding a few personal exchanges between the father and son would up the emotional impact. Since you'll have more pages, consider finding a personal item that they work through (I'm sorry I... no, I'm sorry I...) and intersperse that with trying to find an escape. Ping back and forth between the two until the personal item is resolved with a "none of that matters, I love you, that's what matters" type moment and the shooter finding the son.

And, count one vote against the ending. I think it hits harder ending on the father processing what just happened. But, obviously, others disagree.

Good stuff. Thanks for sharing.


PaulKWrites.com

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irish eyes
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 7:38am Report to Moderator
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Kashmir... Good song not sure if you can use it if you don't own the rights... Maybe if it's just a ring tone.

A pretty decent entry based on a nearly every other week even the US.

A parent's nightmare hearing their child's last dying words... Although I thought the Dad  came off as more relaxed than should be.

The last paragraph wasn't needed in my opinion


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Gum
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Oh man, these are always tough to get through, but I think you did a pretty good job capturing the despair and helplessness involved with the whole scenario, well done.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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Zack
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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A timely subject that doesn't pull any punches. The reveal at the end makes it even more heartbreaking. Challenge is met. No issues with the writing, other than a typo or two. Good work here.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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ReneC
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was a gut punch. Timely and relevant, predictable but still impactful. The dread comes right off the bat and just gets stronger with every passing line of dialogue.

I didn't like the ending though. It's a step backwards away from the edge, a softer landing than had it simply ended or, worse, if the person he thought was calling (wife perhaps?) did call with the humdrum excuses he was expecting. That juxtaposition would have twisted the knife, especially if it was indeed the wife. But making him somehow involved in the incident...is he supposed to be culpable? Because that would have been something too, but there's no hint of that other than he supposedly works at the facility this shooter came from.

You wanted to put a cap on the ending and I felt that's where this misses the mark (see what I did there? Or is that too soon?).


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_ghostwriters
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 4:19am Report to Moderator
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OK. Not that I have anything so great to add except a fresh eye. The pain and the tension are well drawn and the dialogue rings true. Some very fine work writer. Best of Irish luck with it. -A


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Spqr
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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A timely choice of subject matter. Well written, but I think Dillon doesn’t come off as a character who’s hard to care about given that he makes no effort to escape or fight back. The phone call from the hospital doesn’t add anything to the story, since it’s just a coincidence the shooter escaped from there that morning. How about a more direct connection between the shooter and Dr. Maynard? Perhaps the shooter was released from a psych ward at his recommendation?
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Zack
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, everyone. Seems like most of you really enjoyed it. I'm really happy with what I brought to the table this time out. Thought I might finally get me one of those damn mugs! Oh well, there's always the next challenge.

As for the ending, it was my way of adding an extra layer to the story. It was meant to imply that the father could have likely saved his son, if only the hospital had called and warned him just five minutes earlier. Definitely think I could have handled the ending better. Thanks to all these reviews, I believe I've got a really good idea of what I'll be doing with a rewrite.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Robert Timsah
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Gut punch, damn. Difficult to imagine, let alone write and the rules on this challenge scared me away, so good job.

My "Marilyn" Hat on:

I think the phone call with his son should disconnect - then the father takes the second call. I don't think a parent is going to hang up that phone for anything, desperate to hear their child's voice. But I'm not 100% sure on the rules? Marilyn also wants a slugline for the dad's location - where is the dad calling from?

Shut Up, Marilyn!


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Zack
Posted: May 5th, 2021, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Robert Timsah
Gut punch, damn. Difficult to imagine, let alone write and the rules on this challenge scared me away, so good job.

My "Marilyn" Hat on:

I think the phone call with his son should disconnect - then the father takes the second call. I don't think a parent is going to hang up that phone for anything, desperate to hear their child's voice. But I'm not 100% sure on the rules? Marilyn also wants a slugline for the dad's location - where is the dad calling from?

Shut Up, Marilyn!


Thanks for reading, Dude! And thank you, Marilyn, for the feedback.

That's actually a good suggestion, having the call disconnect. Thanks.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Zack
Posted: June 17th, 2021, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Updated draft is up. Thank you, Don.

Changed the ending and made a few minor tweaks.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Zack
Posted: July 9th, 2021, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Any chance I could have this short moved to the short drama thread?


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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LC
Posted: July 9th, 2021, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Moved, Zack!  


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Zack
Posted: July 9th, 2021, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Thanks, Libby!

I'm interested in hearing people's thoughts on the new ending.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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LC
Posted: July 9th, 2021, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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Checked out the new draft, Zack.

Luckily for me I quoted text in my original feedback. No need to ask how the original ended.  

I like this ending better...
I suppose I thought it was just a tiny bit understated.

When Dad takes the final call at the end and it's Mary, isn't there a possibility it might have been Dillon again? Or at least wouldn't Dad answer still holding out hope that Dillon escaped the shooter and he's calling again?

Then he discovers it's Mary, then -
Dad SNIFFLES.

I think sniffles is too light on.
An anguished cry or scream maybe at that point?

I think you need to pack a punch there with his response.
Countering with the ordinary and mundane with Mary talking about dinner.

It's just so damned sad I keep hoping Dillon got away.




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Zack
Posted: July 10th, 2021, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Thanks for reading, Libby. Good point about the sniffle not really being enough. That should be an easy fix.

Happy you enjoyed this version better.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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