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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Paul
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  Author    Paul  (currently 172 views)
Don
Posted: May 2nd, 2021, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Paul by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Sometimes, the best gift you can give is to just listen. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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BarryJohn
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Wow... that was a really great script! nothing more to add.


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Zack
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Checked this one out for ya.

Strange, introducing a character as "He sits on a milkcrate, playing guitar.", only to properly introduce him in the next action line. Then, you don't introduce the two teens at all. Just nit-picking.

Finished.

Awesome story, Dude. It got me. Aside from my nit-picks about the way you introduce the characters, I found the writing to be top-notch. Flowed well and was easy to visualize.

Really hope this gets picked up. Good stuff.


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Robert Timsah
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Story Is Structure

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I liked this. Thanks for sharing. I'm not a guy who gives advice on format, or typos. Just the story for me and I enjoyed it.


My Screenplays
http://bit.ly/3c0Xtm1
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SteveClark
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Barrry, Zack & Robert ó

Thanks for reading! Glad you all seem to like it.

The intro of Paul was purposely written like that. I donít really know why I chose that way, and I donít normally do it that way. I just did it here, no rhyme or reason.

The two kids did have an intro. Very simple ó They look like two assholes. That was it. I deleted it. Felt their dialogue told us all that anyway.

Other than that, appreciate the reads!

Steve


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MarkItZero
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Good stuff. I didn't even notice the character intro was different so I guess that means it worked. Don't really have anything to add, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.


That rug really tied the room together.
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eldave1
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice script. Short, sweet - well told


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SteveClark
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Thanks for reading, James & Dave. Glad you guys liked it.

Steve


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Andrew
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Writing is solid and well done, and it reads tight.

The teens were amusing and it definitely drills down to the hurt within Paul.

It may just be me, but I feel like a little something is missing. I'm not sure what that is, but I felt like I needed something more for the payoff to add oomph. That could just be me.


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SteveClark
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Quoted from Andrew
Writing is solid and well done, and it reads tight.

The teens were amusing and it definitely drills down to the hurt within Paul.

It may just be me, but I feel like a little something is missing. I'm not sure what that is, but I felt like I needed something more for the payoff to add oomph. That could just be me.


Reading back, I think the end could have been extended a bit more. I definitely get your point, although not quite sure what to add, either, so most likely Iíll probably leave it alone. If this is good enough to get picked up, a more astute director will probably know that answer. Itís happened before.


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Andrew
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveClark


Reading back, I think the end could have been extended a bit more. I definitely get your point, although not quite sure what to add, either, so most likely Iíll probably leave it alone. If this is good enough to get picked up, a more astute director will probably know that answer. Itís happened before.


Yeah, that's true. I'll have a think and let you know if any ideas crop up.

Best I can come up with right now is to link it in payoff with part of why he is so sad, so maybe something like the reason he plays guitar is because of x and the payoff reveals that, which adds another layer to wrap around the story.


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SteveClark
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Thanks, Andrew!


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