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Wow... that was a really great script! nothing more to add.
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Strange, introducing a character as "He sits on a milkcrate, playing guitar.", only to properly introduce him in the next action line. Then, you don't introduce the two teens at all. Just nit-picking.
Finished.
Awesome story, Dude. It got me. Aside from my nit-picks about the way you introduce the characters, I found the writing to be top-notch. Flowed well and was easy to visualize.
Really hope this gets picked up. Good stuff.
Don't get it right. Get it written.
"If you can't handle people not liking what you do, you shouldn't be in the business." - Rob Bowman
The intro of Paul was purposely written like that. I don’t really know why I chose that way, and I don’t normally do it that way. I just did it here, no rhyme or reason.
The two kids did have an intro. Very simple — They look like two assholes. That was it. I deleted it. Felt their dialogue told us all that anyway.
Good stuff. I didn't even notice the character intro was different so I guess that means it worked. Don't really have anything to add, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.
Writing is solid and well done, and it reads tight.
The teens were amusing and it definitely drills down to the hurt within Paul.
It may just be me, but I feel like a little something is missing. I'm not sure what that is, but I felt like I needed something more for the payoff to add oomph. That could just be me.
Writing is solid and well done, and it reads tight.
The teens were amusing and it definitely drills down to the hurt within Paul.
It may just be me, but I feel like a little something is missing. I'm not sure what that is, but I felt like I needed something more for the payoff to add oomph. That could just be me.
Reading back, I think the end could have been extended a bit more. I definitely get your point, although not quite sure what to add, either, so most likely I’ll probably leave it alone. If this is good enough to get picked up, a more astute director will probably know that answer. It’s happened before.
Reading back, I think the end could have been extended a bit more. I definitely get your point, although not quite sure what to add, either, so most likely I’ll probably leave it alone. If this is good enough to get picked up, a more astute director will probably know that answer. It’s happened before.
Yeah, that's true. I'll have a think and let you know if any ideas crop up.
Best I can come up with right now is to link it in payoff with part of why he is so sad, so maybe something like the reason he plays guitar is because of x and the payoff reveals that, which adds another layer to wrap around the story.
I've read it and loved it very much. I'm a novice writer so I guess I don't have any critics on it or could it simply be that this moving story is perfect as it is?
a human real-life story
thanks for sharing it - it reminded me of just what I'm looking for in screenwriting or a movie. and just 3 pages. short and sweet.
Thanks for reading, Ronen. I’m glad you liked it. Speaking of having no criticisms of it...
I posted the first page for #firstpagefriday on a FB screenwriting website and it got torn apart! So many people couldn’t get over Paul’s opening two paragraph description. They kept telling me it was overwritten and, the way I saw it, just getting way too critical, even though the points were somewhat valid.
Pages: 1, 
Author
Paul (Storyboarded)
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Aside from my nit-picks about the way you introduce the characters, I found the writing to be top-notch. Flowed well and was easy to visualize. 
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