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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Paul (Storyboarded)
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  Author    Paul (Storyboarded)  (currently 921 views)
Don
Posted: May 2nd, 2021, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Paul by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Sometimes, the best gift you can give is to just listen. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 17th, 2022, 10:31am
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BarryJohn
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Wow... that was a really great script! nothing more to add.


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
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Zack
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Checked this one out for ya.

Strange, introducing a character as "He sits on a milkcrate, playing guitar.", only to properly introduce him in the next action line. Then, you don't introduce the two teens at all. Just nit-picking.

Finished.

Awesome story, Dude. It got me. Aside from my nit-picks about the way you introduce the characters, I found the writing to be top-notch. Flowed well and was easy to visualize.

Really hope this gets picked up. Good stuff.
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Robert Timsah
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Story Is Structure

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I liked this. Thanks for sharing. I'm not a guy who gives advice on format, or typos. Just the story for me and I enjoyed it.


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SAC
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Barrry, Zack & Robert ó

Thanks for reading! Glad you all seem to like it.

The intro of Paul was purposely written like that. I donít really know why I chose that way, and I donít normally do it that way. I just did it here, no rhyme or reason.

The two kids did have an intro. Very simple ó They look like two assholes. That was it. I deleted it. Felt their dialogue told us all that anyway.

Other than that, appreciate the reads!

Steve


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MarkItZero
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Good stuff. I didn't even notice the character intro was different so I guess that means it worked. Don't really have anything to add, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.


That rug really tied the room together.
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eldave1
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice script. Short, sweet - well told


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SAC
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, James & Dave. Glad you guys liked it.

Steve


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Andrew
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 4:15am Report to Moderator
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Writing is solid and well done, and it reads tight.

The teens were amusing and it definitely drills down to the hurt within Paul.

It may just be me, but I feel like a little something is missing. I'm not sure what that is, but I felt like I needed something more for the payoff to add oomph. That could just be me.


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SAC
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 6:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andrew
Writing is solid and well done, and it reads tight.

The teens were amusing and it definitely drills down to the hurt within Paul.

It may just be me, but I feel like a little something is missing. I'm not sure what that is, but I felt like I needed something more for the payoff to add oomph. That could just be me.


Reading back, I think the end could have been extended a bit more. I definitely get your point, although not quite sure what to add, either, so most likely Iíll probably leave it alone. If this is good enough to get picked up, a more astute director will probably know that answer. Itís happened before.


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Andrew
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC


Reading back, I think the end could have been extended a bit more. I definitely get your point, although not quite sure what to add, either, so most likely Iíll probably leave it alone. If this is good enough to get picked up, a more astute director will probably know that answer. Itís happened before.


Yeah, that's true. I'll have a think and let you know if any ideas crop up.

Best I can come up with right now is to link it in payoff with part of why he is so sad, so maybe something like the reason he plays guitar is because of x and the payoff reveals that, which adds another layer to wrap around the story.


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SAC
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Andrew!


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Ronen
Posted: May 9th, 2021, 7:13am Report to Moderator
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hello...

I've read it and loved it very much. I'm a novice writer so I guess I don't have any critics on it or could it simply be that this moving story is perfect as it is?

a human real-life story

thanks for sharing it - it reminded me of just what I'm looking for in screenwriting or a movie. and just 3 pages. short and sweet.

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SAC
Posted: May 10th, 2021, 6:35am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, Ronen. Iím glad you liked it. Speaking of having no criticisms of it...

I posted the first page for #firstpagefriday on a FB screenwriting website and it got torn apart! So many people couldnít get over Paulís opening two paragraph description. They kept telling me it was overwritten and, the way I saw it, just getting way too critical, even though the points were somewhat valid.

That said, thanks again!

Steve


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RobbieD
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Beautiful.  and for what it's worth, stronger for me with the intro just the way you have it.  Thanks for sharing.


ē MADAME DORA, CLAIRVOYANT (Horror, Short)
ē MALLORY GOODE††(Horror, Short)
ē DIRTY GRANDAD DOT COM (Comedy, Short)
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