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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Mollycoddled
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  Author    Mollycoddled  (currently 6088 views)
LC
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 6:50am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
This reminded me of the old songs "Signs" by the Five Man Electrical Bad." i.e.,
..."Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?"

Hey Dave! Thanks for having a read. Okay, so you do know you got me singing this now. And it's not going out of my head!


Quoted from eldave1
First - one nit. Here:
I would reverse these two descriptive passages. i.e., The park... first and the "Brad slurps... second.

Agreed. Good pickup. Thanks.


Quoted from eldave1
On to the story.  Solid writing for the most part. Great opening visual.

Thank you for that.


Quoted from Dave
I think it tends to drag a little about half way in ...

Yep, all good points you make re montage. I'll have a look, like I've said see if I can speed it up and inject something else.

A paper bouquet from the tickets, eh? That's a novel idea. Not sure about that one, but I do like your idea with the 'signs' to top n tail, and the recurring theme. A strong maybe...


Quoted from Dave
I wasn't crazy about the violinist ...

Really? Aww, I rather like him...

I'm going for a Something About Mary/500 Days of Summer fantasy/musical element there as I realise it does need a big 'up' finish.

I always appreciate your particular brand of 'rambling' Dave. You usually find something I've missed, and definitely have something insightful to add. Thanks again.


  




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LC
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SimonM
You could have a big fat ginger puppet one!

I could indeed.  


Quoted from SimonM
Had another thought after I posted but lost internet connection (I'm writing this in Starbucks) - maybe more musicians could join in, not just the violinist, so it becomes a full scale band.

Now there's a guy after my own heart! Not just the violinist but a full-scale band.
See my comment above re Something About Mary/500 Days of Summer.

Thanks for your added thoughts, Simon.



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BSaunders
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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This had me giggling and smiling until the end.

From the very start, I wanted to see something go right for this poor bloke and his pooch and that was enough to keep me in it.

For some reason, I originally read the end as Diana letting the dog in and shutting Brad out. I liked my imaginary ending better than yours. No offence.

But coming from someone that doesn't pay much attention to short scripts and how they should be structured or told, I enjoyed it.

When are you going to step into the big bad world of feature writing?

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SimonM
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC


Now there's a guy after my own heart! Not just the violinist but a full-scale band.
See my comment above re Something About Mary/500 Days of Summer.




Funnily enough have just nicked the 500 Days dance number idea for a scene in a script in which a character wishes the world could be more like his favourite musicals and then imagines a cafe full of customers dancing around.
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irish eyes
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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BRAD falls hard onto his bottom on the mat outside... 'Bottom' That's cute

I enjoyed how you set this up and for some reason I was thinking along the lines of Adult animation... It reads more like a Family guy skit.

I know it was 11 pages but i think it worked with Murphy's Law.
I just didn't like the Hollywood ending, when he thought he was getting lucky at the end with Diane she would slap him with divorce papers

Good job Libby


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irish eyes
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Here you go Libby



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LC
Posted: September 5th, 2016, 7:17am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BSaunders
This had me giggling and smiling until the end.

Thanks for the read Brandon. I'm glad you were entertained.

Quoted from Brandon
For some reason, I originally read the end as Diana letting the dog in and shutting Brad out. I liked my imaginary ending better than yours. No offence.
No offence taken. You're not alone  actually. Will give this some thought.

Glad you enjoyed it.

As for your question re 'feature length'. Hopefully that'll happen, soon. I do have a solid idea with a beginning, middle, end, and twist, actually. It just now has to be written.  






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LC
Posted: September 5th, 2016, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes
BRAD falls hard onto his bottom on the mat outside... 'Bottom' That's cute

Yeah, I thought so. We're so used to reading: arse or (U.S.) ass, I thought let's have him land on his bottom!


Quoted from Mark
I enjoyed how you set this up and for some reason I was thinking along the lines of Adult animation... It reads more like a Family guy skit.
Must admit animation did occur to me. It might actually be a better medium for the repetitive nature of this.And, I do remember when writing it the opening of The Flintstones came to mind, where Fred lands on his butt, is locked out, and Dino (the dog) is cosy inside. Funny how things stick in your mind even if subliminally.

Happy you weren't daunted by the length.
And, hmm, you're in the same camp as Brandon and Janet re a more harsh ending. Interesting. Will consider, like I said.


Quoted from Mark
Good job Libby

Thanks Mark! Still needs a few tweaks I feel, but the feedback is much appreciated.

And thanks so much for putting Elaine up!



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StevenClark
Posted: September 5th, 2016, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Libby,

Nice work here. Had to look up Mollycoddle. Got it. I like how you went most of the way with no dialogue. It really enhanced the charm of this. I'd suggest you get rid of the dialogue altogether. Probably not necessary, and would be quite a feat to write a script of this caliber with no dialogue at all! Reminds me of Benny Hill, in a sense, but this wasn't just a skit. It's a whole story, and it's told well.

My only other other suggestion is to shorten this, and tighten up the action. I'm sure if you went over it again you'd find ways to trim a line of action here, a line of action there. And you might wanna lose one of the scenarios. I think you have enough. I'd pick Brad getting flattened by a truck -- if not lose that entirely, at least have him NOT getting flattened by a truck. That scene reads like its a Looney Tunes skit, with Wiley Coyote getting run over. Maybe have Brad NEARLY getting hit by a truck. I know what you were going for here, but as is that one scene is a bit OTT.

Anyway, great job regardless!

Steve


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SimonM
Posted: September 5th, 2016, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from StevenClark
Reminds me of Benny Hill, in a sense, but this wasn't just a skit. It's a whole story, and it's told well.


Steve


For me it brought to mind the Two Ronnies - they used do full length wordless comedies and on a couple of occasions reading this I was reminded of them.

I suppose the Americans have no idea who the Two Ronnies are, but Libby will understand the reference, I'm sure.
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LC
Posted: September 6th, 2016, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from StevenClark
Libby, Nice work here. Had to look up Mollycoddle. Got it.
Really? It's funny the words that are not in our usual rep, isn't it. Mind you this could be something Aussie, or maybe not...


Quoted from Steven
I like how you went most of the way with no dialogue...

And you think no dialogue at all? I did contemplate this. I wonder if it's strong enough with no lead in. Maybe.


Quoted from Steven
My only other other suggestion is to shorten this, and tighten up the action...

Definitely will have a go. Seems the consensus.


Quoted from Steven
... Lose one of the scenarios. I think you have enough. I'd pick Brad getting flattened by a truck -- if not lose that entirely, at least have him NOT getting flattened by a truck. That scene reads like its a Looney Tunes...

Well, I wrote it exactly with that in mind,  I think I even used the word cartoon in description. I was attempting to mix it up and give it a comic edge verging on bizarre - also with the Violinist at the end - a touch of fantasy/surreal, just like life sometimes is with all the rules.

I'm really starting to think this should be animation, although I'm not sure that many filmmakers starting out, dabble in it.


Quoted from Steven
Anyway, great job regardless!

Thanks Steve. I always value your opinion. Glad you enjoyed it for the most part. Lots of varied opinions and suggestions on this one, sending me into a bit of a spin, which generally means it's not quite there yet.



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LC
Posted: September 6th, 2016, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SimonM
For me it brought to mind the Two Ronnies - they used do full length wordless comedies and on a couple of occasions reading this I was reminded of them.

Yep, they did great stuff. Watched the Four Candles/Fork handles one recently. I tried to look up some of their no dialogue ones, but no luck so far.


Quoted from Simon
I suppose the Americans have no idea who the Two Ronnies are, but Libby will understand the reference, I'm sure.

I do! My older brother couldn't get enough of it. Probably all the smut.   With Benny Hill, I meant the smut bit, and in the nicest possible way, cause it was funny.

Hmm, seems Steven is familiar with Benny Hill...

Thanks for your continued input, Simon. Really appreciate it.  




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LC  -  September 6th, 2016, 5:38am
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Dustin
Posted: September 6th, 2016, 4:40am Report to Moderator
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The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town. As a kid, I absolutely loved that. For those of you that pretend not to like fart jokes - I wouldn't watch it.

Mollycoddled is a word oft used here in the UK too. However it is often mistaken for mommy cuddled by people that have misheard the original.


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LC
Posted: September 6th, 2016, 5:40am Report to Moderator
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Mommy cuddled! Now that's funny. I've never heard of that one.


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StevenClark
Posted: September 6th, 2016, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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I think it's closer than you think. I wasn't thinking animation at all that's why when Brad got flattened it stood out. The right actor could pull Brad off splendidly!


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