SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 19th, 2020, 6:12am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

blah, blah, blah scripts are being posted. Bear with.

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Mollycoddled
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Mollycoddled  (currently 6087 views)
RichardR
Posted: October 4th, 2016, 11:53am Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
917
Posts Per Day
0.43
Libby,

Some notes.

I like the title, and I did get the reference to Elaine.  

What makes this one become a bit long is there is no escalation in the events.  It's the same nanny state coming down on his transgressions.  What you might look for is an escalation in his offenses.  The beach, the park and then something a bit worse, and then a bit worse, until they're coming after him with all assets arrayed.  Then, use the dog to get him out.

Until the ending.  And if you're going to add a violinist (at what time?  and isn't there a noise ordinance after some PM?), why not add someone playing buckets and someone with a flute and enough folks for an orchestra?  And the crowd.  So, when the gendarmes come, they can't act because the whole neighborhood is there to protect the orchestra.  

But that's me.  

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 45 - 53
#GaryManson
Posted: November 9th, 2016, 8:30am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Carlisle, UK
Posts
46
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hi Libby, I don't think this was repetitive. I did feel you were just making a statement as opposed to a script though. The format (signage) threw me a bit and goes against everything that I have learnt in the last couple of months?

Just curious, why you didn't name the dog? And why was Brad thrown out?

I can definitely relate to it, its pretty much like that in the UK.

This could actually be a good comedy, if you choose to take it that way. Can't wait to see where you go with this.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 46 - 53
PrussianMosby
Posted: November 9th, 2016, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1417
Posts Per Day
0.56
Hey, I hope you are fine, Libby!

Happy to read another script of you.

Oh, I see that you already got a lot of input. I haven't read those notes before and hope I neverthelss can add something valuable... let's see

"A few seconds pass" I think you should deliver that more playful.  It's not easy to embed such a beat but one should feel more of an individual, clever effort of you here. And I know you're able to do so.

Okay, what you do here is great. However, I think the message/topic must become clear quicker and taken to the top as direct as you can to pick up your target audience and capture their shared understanding in case of your critique. It's real and exists. The subject is of importance to many many people.

One other thing: I thought if the lead rather should be a woman. Not because of that whole stuff that happened yesterday - there's just a definite clich of men who stand up and growl against exactly that kind of paternalism. Women instead, imo, act calmer toward it, and not so emotionally, but obviously, as you think about such a social topic, and I know many women equally do, a woman as lead could carry the script better to not let it look like the "angry man" struggling with modern social behavior and conventions. Long sentence

I hope you understand the psychological point I'm talking about. In general I'd also suggest to draw the main character as smart as possible, to show we not agree with those restrictions they constantly throw at us as a diverse group, all across the social fabric. Now he "may" look too much as an underclass person, drinker and tramp what could hurt the truth that other groups feel completely the same.

Also, I think you should reduce your message to the DON'T DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT. As said, I believe you got a huge audience who's fed up about that development. The light drama angle isn't that necessary imo. It even hurts your point.

I can identify with your feelings here. You forgot about video surveillance perhaps. One other thing is when they forbid children to play ball on a meadow, which I find horrible.

It's a very good concept and mindfully chosen topic. Such story must been told and you perceived that, and delivered it in a good direction already. I like what you do here and hope there's some food for thoughts between my lines. Take it to the top, I'd say.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 47 - 53
LC
Posted: November 10th, 2016, 1:46am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4649
Posts Per Day
1.06

Quoted from RichardR
Libby,Some notes. I like the title, and I did get the reference to Elaine.

Thanks for the read and comments, Richard. Chuffed you got the Elaine reference too.

I didn't realize this had another comment until Gary and Alex 'revived' it. Apologies for the lack of response till now.


Quoted from RichardR
What makes this one become a bit long is there is no escalation in the events.

You think? Hmm, I don't know... The whole thing imh was the repetition of events might be amusing and the escalation is in constantly being thwarted in his attempts for freedom.

I think Pia and some other comments echoed yours, so I remain open minded.


Quoted from RichardR
... if you're going to add a violinist (at what time?  and isn't there a noise ordinance after some PM?),

Yep. I thought I covered that with the 'disturbance of the peace' ticket at the end amongst other tickets he gets in the final scene.

Quoted from RichardR
why not add someone playing buckets and someone with a flute and enough folks for an orchestra?  And the crowd.  So, when the gendarmes come, they can't act because the whole neighborhood is there to protect the orchestra.


Not a bad idea, Richard. Somebody else (I think Simon) suggested a full orchestra or close to it, and I liked it

If I get some interest in this I will definitely suggest this as it seems a popular choice for a finale.

Probably won't be doing a whole lot to this in the meantime as feedback was very varied.

Having said that, I made a few subtle changes and must upload to Don.

I added a love interest for Dog when he is tied up to the bike rack (a very excitable poodle) - and Dog gets a hat in one scene and water. For dog lovers that was remiss of me.

Appreciate your comments Richard. Thanks again.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 48 - 53
LC
Posted: November 10th, 2016, 2:11am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4649
Posts Per Day
1.06

Quoted from #GaryManson
Hi Libby, I don't think this was repetitive.

Hey Gazza! Thanks for the read, and I'm glad you didn't find it repetitive, as in 'tedious'.

Quoted from #GaryManson
I did feel you were just making a statement as opposed to a script though.

That's an interesting comment. I definitely was making a statement as a reflection of what ol' Sydney town was going through a few months back. 'As opposed' to a script? Hmm, i suspect you are saying there was not quite enough story for you?


Quoted from #GaryManson
The format (signage) threw me a bit and goes against everything that I have learnt in the last couple of months?

Does it? Hmm. For your benefit Gaz, I went through the script and noticed I was a bit inconsistent with putting quotation marks after the 'signs'. Or rather omitting them when they shoulda been there.

On that same point, technically INSERT should probably be written in the script where the tickets are ripped off and given to Brad, however it's a bit of a long read already so I took creative license to streamline things there. That in itself would have got tedious for an already description heavy script.

Is that what you meant re format? Or something else? I feel a little with that comment like I'm being a corrupting influence.  

Get the basics down Gaz, and you can stretch the 'rules' a lil' bit while still remaining within Standard Industry Formatting.


Quoted from #GaryManson
Just curious, why you didn't name the dog? And why was Brad thrown out?

No need to name Dog, really. He's not addressed by name so... And, Brad was thrown out (at the top of the script) cause he mistook a wardrobe for a bathroom. The new draft (as Dustin pointed out) removes the question mark in the relevant line.


Quoted from #GaryManson
I can definitely relate to it, its pretty much like that in the UK.
Ah... They've just started to relax some of the rules here when business started suffering, so that's something but there is still too much mollycoddling.


Quoted from #GaryManson
This could actually be a good comedy, if you choose to take it that way.

I think by this comment you're letting me know there wasn't enough comedy in it for you?   Is that right? It's perhaps not a laugh out loud every line but I imagine if filmed with the right actor (and Dog) it would have enough slapstick visually and through Brad's misfortunes to be quite amusing.


Quoted from #GaryManson
Can't wait to see where you go with this.


Probably going to leave it as is for the moment. I will upload the latest draft as I said to Richard, but not a lot of noticeable changes.

Thanks so much for the read, Gazza. And be sure to let me know if I've answered your query re format suitably.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 49 - 53
LC
Posted: November 10th, 2016, 2:35am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4649
Posts Per Day
1.06

Quoted from PrussianMosby
Hey, I hope you are fine, Libby!

I'm pretty good, Alex. How're you doing? Well, I hope.


Quoted from Alex
I haven't read those notes before and hope I neverthelss can add something valuable... let's see
Always open to more feedback...


Quoted from Alex
"A few seconds pass" I think you should deliver that more playful. It's not easy to embed such a beat but one should feel more of an individual, clever effort of you here. And I know you're able to do so.

Think that was lazy, do you, Alex? I actually liked the rhythm of writing that with 'Another few seconds pass' following on its heels. What were you thinking? Brad should be chewing on a blade of grass, or eyeing off a cute neighbour?


Quoted from Alex
Okay, what you do here is great. However, I think the message/topic must become clear quicker...

Okay. I do still think this would play out a lot faster on screen, but maybe not... I thought about suggestions made previously about formatting it as montage instead but the more I thought about it, and experimented with it, it just lost quite a bit of its substance and flavour imh. I dunno. I might come back to it at another date.


Quoted from Alex
One other thing: I thought if the lead rather should be a woman...
Well that's definitely not a comment I've had before. Interesting, very. I think I'll leave it as is for this particular story, but I take your point about not automatically resorting to the stereotype.


Quoted from Alex
I hope you understand the psychological point I'm talking about. In general I'd also suggest to draw the main character as smart as possible...
Ah, I see what you're saying. I completely concur if we're talking about a more seriously themed script but in this case I was treating a potentially serious subject with humour. I get your point though.


Quoted from Alex
Also, I think you should reduce your message to the DON'T DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT. As said, I believe you got a huge audience who's fed up about that development. The light drama angle isn't that necessary imo. It even hurts your point.

I respect your view but I think there are different ways to handle serious subject matter and one way is through humour which can be pretty effective in getting the point across without hammering it home. I'm interested in how you might have approached it? Perhaps if this story had dire consequences for the main character, then I'd definitely agree, but I do think that's a different far more dramatic story to the one I'm telling here.


Quoted from Alex
...You forgot about video surveillance perhaps. One other thing is when they forbid children to play ball on a meadow, which I find horrible.

Yep, that's another goody. I think that definitely has a place in a more serious script. And it definitely is a worry. One CCTV camera per fifteen people in the UK apparently.


Quoted from Alex
I like what you do here and hope there's some food for thoughts between my lines. Take it to the top, I'd say.

Definitely. I sense your passion for the subject matter and think you Alex, should write the more dramatic version with the dire consequences. It did make me think there could be an alternate version. This one is definitely comedy/drama with a hint of romance in my mind.

Alex, you made me think well beyond. And I very much hope I can take one of my scripts to the top, some day... Don't we all. Thanks again, Alex.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 50 - 53
PrussianMosby
Posted: November 10th, 2016, 9:22am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1417
Posts Per Day
0.56
Hey Libby, I'm fine too, thank you.

I just refer to two points in this post: First, no I don't felt it was lazy formatting concerning the beat. It's the way how many would execute it. In the end, to me, such sentence delivers something like "stay in the picture and wait here". I wouldn't let him do something just to let it look active either.

More I think about not giving a separate line to the beat. But as said, it's not that easy to embed it. You should find your own way, but I give you a quick example:

The door slams shut behind him...

... the door flies open again and a backpack strikes Brad in his head. The door slams shut. Brad shakes as

the door flies open once more and a shaggy dog is deposited next to him.


That's just an example. Using ellipses at the first beat, the second time, we already understand the beat without implying it. You can make it smoother without saying STOP.

IMO, a writer of your quality should definitely avoid

A few seconds pass.
Another few seconds pass.


The second point:

IMO the drama around Diane doesn't fit so well because he has to leave his NEED, Diane, and then faces completely different adventures with dog, only to come back to her. It felt a bit strange toward the overall theme.

Probably my opinion wasn't delivered that good. Because I no way think the humor should leave at all or that you should draw it out like a documentary in a cold way based on message.

I give you another example.

Brad has an argument with a traffic warden, because they opened a site over night and now his car stands in a stopping restriction and gets towed away.

But shit he must go to work(and say give dog to his mother along the way etc)He must now cross the city within 30 minutes or he gets fired. You can guess what happens then One wouldn't believe such a simple task could be any difficult. But it is.

Or, his task could be to reach Diane if you want to keep that angle. Love at stake because of crazy regulations.

As said, your approach is fine already and I admire you found this topic at all. I like the script as it is too. You probably know I'm a clear advocate of short short scripts and like directness and see shorts as a super quick medium. That's why in this case, I'd say the audience is found at the conflict of governmental harrassment toward citizens.


Quoted from LC

And I very much hope I can take one of my scripts to the top, some day


I know for sure you already accomplished that with the Sympatico story and probably many more scripts.



@ Hey Libby, just a short additional note: My example was just my inner cinema  

I think, I understand your concept of him just wanting to have a good time and take a chill in town, what they don't let him, pretty well. It works that way for sure. Concept-wise, still, Diane's role and their relationship is not clear to me. I feel no connection there yet. Contrary to a lot of what I said, maybe you could strengthen that romantic angle a bit. So, lots of opportunities.





Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
PrussianMosby  -  November 10th, 2016, 1:18pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 51 - 53
LC
Posted: November 23rd, 2016, 5:37am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4649
Posts Per Day
1.06
Meant to respond to you earlier, sorry Alex.

You've put a lot of thought into this, so much so I had to read through twice.   I  understand what you're saying and I appreciate and can see your point of view.

I do think though because we are all writers it might come down to:  'that's not how I would write it'. Get what I'm saying?

The idea when I'm writing: -

Another few seconds pass... etc.

Is to imply that comedic rhythm, like I said. I still kinda like it.

As for more of Diane, you're not alone in suggesting you'd like to see more of her and see more of their relationship together first. Who knows you might be right.

I think I decided it might muddy the waters unnecessarily and sometimes it's a good thing for an audience to fill in some gaps themselves. We know he's behaved badly and that Diane is his true love. He first wants to get away from her because she represents 'house rules at the very least, but then quickly realises in the process of discovering his freedom that it's not all it's cracked up to be and that so called freedom is over-rated. It also enabled me to to explore the themes of rules and how society can a bit mad in attempts to protect people from themselves.

I don't know... I remain open with this one, contemplate re-writes with more of Diane, then decide I quite like it the way it is.

For now, apart from a few changes I made - dog has a love interest of his own    I will probably leave as is for now.

Having said that, I thank you Alex for you taking the time and effort to dissect it and give your views. Always really appreciated.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 52 - 53
AlsoBen
Posted: December 2nd, 2016, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Townsville
Posts
380
Posts Per Day
0.11
I'm probably not going to say anything ou haven't heard over four pages, but...


Nit picks:
" it streaks on ahead" on pg 2, although very clear in what is meant to be happening, is sort of a strange way to say it.

also pg 2: "No dogs! On a f�in� beach?" Why wouldn't this Aussie guy just say fuck? BTW its typed as "effin" when spelled out, just FYI :p

" He�s the male equivalent of Elaine Benes" made me laugh

OK so, I don't have too much to say. Well written. Funny.

I feel like too much happens to make the point about the nanny state (which is political in itself, as an Australian). And the other problem is that most of the rules/infringments are real things that happen, but then there's some cartoonish ones that aren't, if that makes sense. Like he gets hit by a truck and immedietely gets served for jaywalking? I think the commentery would work better if these were all TEHCNICALLY real nanny state laws that this dude managed to infringe in one day.

Another problem for me: it kind of goes against your point when the guy's refusal to pick up his dog's shit is in the same disource as a tasteful commentary on nanny state laws. Like, I hate people who do that. I wanted him to get fined. I don't know.

Beside that, this was funny, snippy and cute. Good work LC.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 53 - 53
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Dramedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006