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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Mollycoddled
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  Author    Mollycoddled  (currently 6085 views)
Don
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mollycoddled by L. Chambers - Short, Dramedy - After they're turfed out, one man and his dog discover there might be trouble and strife at home, but out in the big wide world the Nanny state has gone haywire. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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LC
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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Wow, that was fast, Don. Thank you!

I welcome feedback from all. Bear in mind there's not a lot of white space with this one as it's minimal dialogue.

And, an important note/edit I need to make in the script is that the 'signage' is all new. You'll know what I mean when reading so I hope you factor that in.


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SimonM
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Liked this - nice and visual. I could "see" the scenes, by and large, in my head - which is after all the point of a screenplay!

Is it really this bad Down Under, where the women glow and the men plunder?

Also, who's Elaine Benes?

One thought that occurred while I was reading it - you may not agree, but I kept thinking it would be funnier if the dog was a cat... But then I'm a cat person, for my sins.

Here in Britain, of course, it's actually compulsory to get drunk and throw up - at least on Friday and Saturday nights. You can get a Government grant for it I believe.

Nicely written.
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Warren
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Got to love our nanny state.

It's definitely well written, but I did find it a long 11 pages, not for the lack of dialogue, more for the lack of content.

Being an Aussie, this is just the way it is, or the very least, the way it's going. I don't know, just didn't feel like much of a story in here.

My 2 cents, be interested to see other peoples opinions.


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MarkItZero
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, and I like the overall story, but it's too much repetition. There's like ten different scenarios that are basically identical. He tries to do something (lay down, bring in dog, get beer) and some rule/rule enforcer stops him. There's no escalation or attempt to subvert expectations.

For example, maybe he's finally let into one bar. Dog and owner happily run inside, only to discover it's a neo-nazi hangout and a bunch of swastika wearing tough guys are suddenly staring them down. Then they quickly run back out to the next adventure. It'd at least be a little change of pace and keep the reader/viewer on their toes.

And as much as I appreciate a Seinfeld reference, the Elaine description might be too obscure. Love that episode though!    


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LC
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Simon, thanks for jumping on this so fast. Much appreciate your comments on the visuals too.

A cat?  Hmm, while I appreciate you're a feline fan - (I do like cats myself but never owned one, and gravitate towards mutts,) I can see a lot of problems with the cat actually taking direction. They tend to want to run their own show, if you know what I mean.

Yes, it has become this bad down under in some respects. Laughed at your other comment. We get it from you guys, you know.

We're definitely being criticized compared to more relaxed better behaved cultures re drinking on the streets/violence, and we're having a go at ourselves too.The debate continues re lockout laws saving lives  v businesses suffering (nightclubs/venues) closing down. Of course you can visit the casinos 24hrs, I think.

So, this is a commentary on how precious we have become re safety,  political correctness, and preventing litigation/liability etc.

Elaine Benes? Yep, I knew I was pushing it with this. Not a Seinfeld fan? I'll post a clip later.

Thanks again for your thoughts.


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LC
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Warren, I'm conscious of the fact it reads a little 'long'.

Interested in any further thoughts you might have re injecting more story, if you think of anything.

I do think a director could make it run faster but I take your point.

Thanks for the compliment re the writing.

And, you've actually just made me think about hypervigilance and terror threats/false alarms, so I might inject some of that, in a comedic way, hopefully, (and speed up other bits) there.

Definitely open to ideas.


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Warren
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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I've never been good at advising people on how to change or modify their story. I just know what works for me and what doesn't.

What I did forget to say in my previous comment was that I can in fact see this getting made. It is a current and growning issue in Australia and in NSW inparticular.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Libby, I totally get what you're doing with this story. It's the same here and in Sweden too. You could've easily added to Brad being in trouble for throwing a beer bottle away and not recycling. They are extreme about that in Sweden. A lot of things that are forced upon us these days under the guise of protecting us in one way or another. Health. Safety. Environment. Climate and so on. Meanwhile people are getting nastier and less pleasant online.

I do agree that it feels a bit repetitive. Only because by the second "offense" we get the point.

I also agree with you, that on film, this might actually play faster.

My only suggestion would be to give us a glimpse into why Brad is thrown out in the first place. Otherwise the gf/wife taking him back seems a little too easy.

Lots of words in it I've never heard of, btw. Interesting to see how our English can vary so much by region. Btw, I just commented on a guy's script last week, he's in Ireland, that he spelled curb wrong...I won't do that again.

Nice short with a statement, just let us know why Brad is thrown out, so we can better understand why she takes him back.  Maybe he talks to the dog on the beach and we find out that way?


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LC
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Mark, I was hoping the repetition of events could work in favour of it being entertaining.  Similar to Groundhog/time loop stories.  He's thwarted at every attempt to just enjoy his day of 'freedom'.

It kinda is the point his freedom is limited with all the new and over the top rules being introduced and enforced, and it's all going a bit nuts.. Mind you, I get it has to have enough to be entertaining on screen.

Is it at the moment? I'll wait for more consensus.

Neo-Nazis? Hmm, I think I've seen similar scenarios in films (Wild Hogs ?) being out of your element, etc. I'm not sure that's the same story I'm going for here. Maybe... I'll mull it over. That's what feedback is for.

And, I thank you for yours!





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eldave1
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Libby:

This reminded me of the old songs "Signs" by the Five Man Electrical Bad." i.e.,

..."Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?"

First - one nit. Here:


Quoted Text
EXT. PARK

Brad slurps coffee, shovels down half a meat pie, throws the
other half to Dog. Dog gulps it down, slurps water from a
nearby tap.

The park looks like a bomb hit it, save for an old creaky and
rusted, Roundabout.


I would reverse these two descriptive passages. i.e., The park... first and the "Brad slurps... second.

On to the story.  Solid writing for the most part.

Great opening visual.

I think it tends to drag a little about half way in because basically it's the same beat and we can see it play out before we read it. i.e., whatever he's doing, there's going to be a sign saying he can't and a ticket for his troubles. I think you can make it crisper by eliminating one or two of the ticket scenarios (I would nuke the dance club) and go montage on some of the other (i.e, I don't think you need full scenes - just Brad under or by the offending sign getting a ticket).  I think the framework should be something like:

Scene - ends with ticket

Scene - ends with ticket.

Montage of Brad getting tickets

Scene - ends with ticket.

I would have also liked at the end if Brad had made a paper bouquet out of the tickets he received when begging for the girl to take him back

I wasn't crazy about the violinist showing up out of nowhere. It kind of took me out of Brad's story.

Wasn't crazy about the abrupt ending with no closure on the sign issue. In the anti-sign song I referenced up front, the closing lyrics are:

"And the sign said, "Everybody welcome. Come in, kneel down and pray"
But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all
I didn't have a penny to pay
So I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign
I said, "Thank you, Lord, for thinkin' 'bout me. I'm alive and doin' fine"
  

I think something like that might work here - Maybe when Diane looks out the window Brad has made a  "I am sorry please take me back sign. " And Diane flashes him a sign back -something to the effect of - "please enter" or whatever. i.e., just to close the story on the theme of signs.

Anyway - just my ramblings - I did like the story.
  



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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from LC
Mark, I was hoping the repetition of events could work in favour of it being entertaining.  Similar to Groundhog/time loop stories.  He's thwarted at every attempt to just enjoy his day of 'freedom'.

In Groundhog Day, Murray has to figure out how to get out of this loop thingy. Brad doesn't. Murray's character is driven by a goal. Brad's just drifting from place to place.


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SimonM
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Quoted from LC


A cat?  Hmm, while I appreciate you're a feline fan - (I do like cats myself but never owned one, and gravitate towards mutts,) I can see a lot of problems with the cat actually taking direction. They tend to want to run their own show, if you know what I mean.


Thanks again for your thoughts.


7ou could have a big fat ginger puppet one!

Had another thought after I posted but lost internet connection (I'm writing this in Starbucks) - maybe more musicians could join in, not just the violinist, so it becomes a full scale band.

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LC
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 6:27am Report to Moderator
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https://youtu.be/DY_DF2Af3LM

The Elaine Benes dance. Seinfeld.

Okay, seems it's been so long I've forgotten how to embed. Anyone??

.........................

Pia! Thanks so much for chiming in on this one. It is about striking the right balance with comedy/drama and timing. I'm thinking maybe Dave's right about doing it fast i.e., montage - then adding more to the actual story.

Though I was trying to keep dialogue to a minimum I think your idea of Brad and Dog talking to one another is a good suggestion. I was deliberately vague about Brad's crime at home and implied it really was just a misdemeanor - petty, you know, his comment about 'nagging' is more to do with the usual battle of the sexes. I did clearly mention 'pissing in the wardrobe' - that often happens when drunk people mistake a certain room for the bathroom apparently. It's never happened to me btw.  

Really curious about what words you haven't heard of? I'm with you on the curb/kerb thing. I find I'm so influenced by U.S. usage sometimes I have to actually remind myself of my own usage. I noticed I put 'pint' in for beer where the actual Aussie term is 'schooner' - that's an influence which has come from my other half. Same with 'Off License' although that suited for my purposes of it not just being an alcohol outlet but also groceries. We call them Bottleshops here in Oz, and they sell nothing but grog, other than maybe a few chips, pretzels, cigarettes.

Oh, and you're spot on about Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. It did remind me that at the moment 'Brad' is mainly reactive in the story.

Thanks again for your comments. It all helps, lots to think about...


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LC
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
...What I did forget to say in my previous comment was that I can in fact see this getting made. It is a current and growning issue in Australia and in NSW inparticular.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Warren. And yes, it is a big deal in Sydney. People up in arms over those lockout laws.



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LC
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Quoted from eldave1
This reminded me of the old songs "Signs" by the Five Man Electrical Bad." i.e.,
..."Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?"

Hey Dave! Thanks for having a read. Okay, so you do know you got me singing this now. And it's not going out of my head!


Quoted from eldave1
First - one nit. Here:
I would reverse these two descriptive passages. i.e., The park... first and the "Brad slurps... second.

Agreed. Good pickup. Thanks.


Quoted from eldave1
On to the story.  Solid writing for the most part. Great opening visual.

Thank you for that.


Quoted from Dave
I think it tends to drag a little about half way in ...

Yep, all good points you make re montage. I'll have a look, like I've said see if I can speed it up and inject something else.

A paper bouquet from the tickets, eh? That's a novel idea. Not sure about that one, but I do like your idea with the 'signs' to top n tail, and the recurring theme. A strong maybe...


Quoted from Dave
I wasn't crazy about the violinist ...

Really? Aww, I rather like him...

I'm going for a Something About Mary/500 Days of Summer fantasy/musical element there as I realise it does need a big 'up' finish.

I always appreciate your particular brand of 'rambling' Dave. You usually find something I've missed, and definitely have something insightful to add. Thanks again.


  




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LC
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Quoted from SimonM
You could have a big fat ginger puppet one!

I could indeed.  


Quoted from SimonM
Had another thought after I posted but lost internet connection (I'm writing this in Starbucks) - maybe more musicians could join in, not just the violinist, so it becomes a full scale band.

Now there's a guy after my own heart! Not just the violinist but a full-scale band.
See my comment above re Something About Mary/500 Days of Summer.

Thanks for your added thoughts, Simon.



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BSaunders
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This had me giggling and smiling until the end.

From the very start, I wanted to see something go right for this poor bloke and his pooch and that was enough to keep me in it.

For some reason, I originally read the end as Diana letting the dog in and shutting Brad out. I liked my imaginary ending better than yours. No offence.

But coming from someone that doesn't pay much attention to short scripts and how they should be structured or told, I enjoyed it.

When are you going to step into the big bad world of feature writing?

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SimonM
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Quoted from LC


Now there's a guy after my own heart! Not just the violinist but a full-scale band.
See my comment above re Something About Mary/500 Days of Summer.




Funnily enough have just nicked the 500 Days dance number idea for a scene in a script in which a character wishes the world could be more like his favourite musicals and then imagines a cafe full of customers dancing around.
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irish eyes
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BRAD falls hard onto his bottom on the mat outside... 'Bottom' That's cute

I enjoyed how you set this up and for some reason I was thinking along the lines of Adult animation... It reads more like a Family guy skit.

I know it was 11 pages but i think it worked with Murphy's Law.
I just didn't like the Hollywood ending, when he thought he was getting lucky at the end with Diane she would slap him with divorce papers

Good job Libby


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irish eyes
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Here you go Libby



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LC
Posted: September 5th, 2016, 7:17am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BSaunders
This had me giggling and smiling until the end.

Thanks for the read Brandon. I'm glad you were entertained.

Quoted from Brandon
For some reason, I originally read the end as Diana letting the dog in and shutting Brad out. I liked my imaginary ending better than yours. No offence.
No offence taken. You're not alone  actually. Will give this some thought.

Glad you enjoyed it.

As for your question re 'feature length'. Hopefully that'll happen, soon. I do have a solid idea with a beginning, middle, end, and twist, actually. It just now has to be written.  






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LC
Posted: September 5th, 2016, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes
BRAD falls hard onto his bottom on the mat outside... 'Bottom' That's cute

Yeah, I thought so. We're so used to reading: arse or (U.S.) ass, I thought let's have him land on his bottom!


Quoted from Mark
I enjoyed how you set this up and for some reason I was thinking along the lines of Adult animation... It reads more like a Family guy skit.
Must admit animation did occur to me. It might actually be a better medium for the repetitive nature of this.And, I do remember when writing it the opening of The Flintstones came to mind, where Fred lands on his butt, is locked out, and Dino (the dog) is cosy inside. Funny how things stick in your mind even if subliminally.

Happy you weren't daunted by the length.
And, hmm, you're in the same camp as Brandon and Janet re a more harsh ending. Interesting. Will consider, like I said.


Quoted from Mark
Good job Libby

Thanks Mark! Still needs a few tweaks I feel, but the feedback is much appreciated.

And thanks so much for putting Elaine up!



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StevenClark
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Libby,

Nice work here. Had to look up Mollycoddle. Got it. I like how you went most of the way with no dialogue. It really enhanced the charm of this. I'd suggest you get rid of the dialogue altogether. Probably not necessary, and would be quite a feat to write a script of this caliber with no dialogue at all! Reminds me of Benny Hill, in a sense, but this wasn't just a skit. It's a whole story, and it's told well.

My only other other suggestion is to shorten this, and tighten up the action. I'm sure if you went over it again you'd find ways to trim a line of action here, a line of action there. And you might wanna lose one of the scenarios. I think you have enough. I'd pick Brad getting flattened by a truck -- if not lose that entirely, at least have him NOT getting flattened by a truck. That scene reads like its a Looney Tunes skit, with Wiley Coyote getting run over. Maybe have Brad NEARLY getting hit by a truck. I know what you were going for here, but as is that one scene is a bit OTT.

Anyway, great job regardless!

Steve


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SimonM
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Quoted from StevenClark
Reminds me of Benny Hill, in a sense, but this wasn't just a skit. It's a whole story, and it's told well.


Steve


For me it brought to mind the Two Ronnies - they used do full length wordless comedies and on a couple of occasions reading this I was reminded of them.

I suppose the Americans have no idea who the Two Ronnies are, but Libby will understand the reference, I'm sure.
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LC
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Quoted from StevenClark
Libby, Nice work here. Had to look up Mollycoddle. Got it.
Really? It's funny the words that are not in our usual rep, isn't it. Mind you this could be something Aussie, or maybe not...


Quoted from Steven
I like how you went most of the way with no dialogue...

And you think no dialogue at all? I did contemplate this. I wonder if it's strong enough with no lead in. Maybe.


Quoted from Steven
My only other other suggestion is to shorten this, and tighten up the action...

Definitely will have a go. Seems the consensus.


Quoted from Steven
... Lose one of the scenarios. I think you have enough. I'd pick Brad getting flattened by a truck -- if not lose that entirely, at least have him NOT getting flattened by a truck. That scene reads like its a Looney Tunes...

Well, I wrote it exactly with that in mind,  I think I even used the word cartoon in description. I was attempting to mix it up and give it a comic edge verging on bizarre - also with the Violinist at the end - a touch of fantasy/surreal, just like life sometimes is with all the rules.

I'm really starting to think this should be animation, although I'm not sure that many filmmakers starting out, dabble in it.


Quoted from Steven
Anyway, great job regardless!

Thanks Steve. I always value your opinion. Glad you enjoyed it for the most part. Lots of varied opinions and suggestions on this one, sending me into a bit of a spin, which generally means it's not quite there yet.



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LC
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Quoted from SimonM
For me it brought to mind the Two Ronnies - they used do full length wordless comedies and on a couple of occasions reading this I was reminded of them.

Yep, they did great stuff. Watched the Four Candles/Fork handles one recently. I tried to look up some of their no dialogue ones, but no luck so far.


Quoted from Simon
I suppose the Americans have no idea who the Two Ronnies are, but Libby will understand the reference, I'm sure.

I do! My older brother couldn't get enough of it. Probably all the smut.   With Benny Hill, I meant the smut bit, and in the nicest possible way, cause it was funny.

Hmm, seems Steven is familiar with Benny Hill...

Thanks for your continued input, Simon. Really appreciate it.  




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Dustin
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The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town. As a kid, I absolutely loved that. For those of you that pretend not to like fart jokes - I wouldn't watch it.

Mollycoddled is a word oft used here in the UK too. However it is often mistaken for mommy cuddled by people that have misheard the original.


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LC
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Mommy cuddled! Now that's funny. I've never heard of that one.


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I think it's closer than you think. I wasn't thinking animation at all that's why when Brad got flattened it stood out. The right actor could pull Brad off splendidly!


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Quoted from LC

Yep, they did great stuff. Watched the Four Candles/Fork handles one recently. I tried to look up some of their no dialogue ones, but no luck so far.




"Futtock's End" is their most famous wordless one - it's on YouTube in full and has been released on DVD.

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Dustin
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Code

thongs.



I don't know what these are and don't really want to Google. I'm assuming you don't mean the underwear. Maybe another name for braces?

He gets turfed out for not wanting to follow the rules. He leaves, breaks a load of rules, then realises that the rules at home were not so bad after all and works his way back in also by breaking rules.

I'm not sure the story works like that. It's well written, lightly humorous, I just don't feel as though I have learned anything. What is the story saying? He calls another woman, even hits on two in a bar, before settling for his old girlfriend and worming his way back in.

I'm just a little confused by the message this story is delivering.

Probably just me smoking too much. I'll read through the other comments a bit more carefully, see what I've missed.


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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 6:50am Report to Moderator
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Ah Dustin, you're making me laugh.

Thongs are flipflops in Australia, common footwear, esp for walking about, and the beach. We call the other thing a g-string. In NZ thongs are called jandals.

And yes, all due respect you've been smoking too much.  

Brad pissed in the wardrobe, that's at the top, presumably drunk the night before, also he voices his contempt for his significant other via the dialogue: nag, nag, nag, they've clearly had a domestic, that's clear at the top too etc. Then he goes out into the big bad world where a whole bunch of new signs have been put up, and a whole bunch of new rules are in force.

The latter is a commentary on our culture (in particular, my state in Oz) becoming ridiculous with its rules in an attempt to fend of litigation,  prevent drunken violence, (lockout laws) etc. Nanny state.

Brad has such a hard time 'out there' during his day of 'freedom'  he realizes the rules at home, and the person he takes for granted, aren't so bad after all, and that he's the one being a bit of a dick.

Btw, he's drunk when he says something to the girl (what he says we don't know) and this along with his dancing is meant to be amusing, also pointing to the fact he doesn't have much enlightenment or sophistication particularly when inebriated.

Finally, he's phoning the same woman (unless there's a typo in there) throughout the day, the wife/girlfriend who booted him out in the first place.

Shame you didn't get much out of it, but you can't please everyone, and maybe it does need a few tweaks but it's meant to be light humour, as you said, with a message.

That said I thank you for the read Dustin. It's always appreciated, and your comments are duly noted,  



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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Simon, thanks for the Futtock's end recommendation. Forty-three minutes of no dialogue. Got to admire that! Little bit dated and I skimmed through a lot, but some very funny stuff.


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Dustin
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 7:08am Report to Moderator
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Why would he need to bother calling Diane when he could just go around to the house? He walks away from the house only to phone her. I suppose I forgot about Diane due to all the other stuff going on

The urination thing... Brad actually asks the dog the question, so I assumed he was just joking and that it was the dog that did it.

I didn't get that he realised that he'd been a dick... more that he was settling for something he isn't happy with because he can't do any better.


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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Dustin:

Well, he's sussing her out, or trying to. You never done that, tested the water before returning? He did get thrown out on his butt.


BRAD
Piss in the wardrobe again?
Dog cocks his head innocently, wags his tail.
BRAD
Oh no, that was me wasn’t it?

As for your last comment, yes there is an element of that, which is why I'm getting quite a bit of feedback she should only let the dog back in.   We'll see in the redraft.


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Dustin
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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I think if you drop the part where he hits on other women then he could go back. That would solve the moral issue of he not being happy with Diane. He is happy with her, it's only her rules that he doesn't like. Then going out into the big wide world he discovers that Diane's rules are not so bad after all... which is what you've done.

I'm still not clear on the urination thing. Brad asks a question, he doesn't make a statement. Without the question mark it reads as though he's remembered it was him, but with the question mark it appears as though it's something he has done before while drunk and is now making a joke about by pretending to be unsure.


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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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I know Dave suggested dropping that scene too.

And, you're right, good pickup. I didn't see that 'till now. There should not be a question mark, given Brad knows he in fact did it. Thanks Dustin.


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BSaunders
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It's 2016.. The fact that the world still thinks "thong" is a suitable word for something a female wears on her buttox, and not something everyone wears on their feet is quite a worry. Get with it humanity
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Dustin
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Maybe seeing a little of Diane and her rules at the beginning would help here too... so we also get to experience the differences with him. I think you can pull off some conflict at the beginning while keeping the light humorous tone. Maybe Diane is a little OCD.


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Dustin
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Quoted from BSaunders
It's 2016.. The fact that the world still thinks "thong" is a suitable word for something a female wears on her buttox, and not something everyone wears on their feet is quite a worry. Get with it humanity


We call them flip-flops or sandals here. A thong is an item of underwear, although we also call them g-strings.


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Athenian
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Hey Libby,

If you're fed up with rules and laws, perhaps you should come to Greece for a vacation.

This one was definitely hard to pull off, without dialogue and everything. It would also be hard to get made - many locations, people, incidents and, of course, the dog. You should probably leave out some stuff that doesn't seem filmable (e.g. the scene with the truck) and take Dave's suggestion regarding the montage.

Here's a little suggestion of mine: What if Brad’s girlfriend were of an "ethnic" background (Asian or something) and the rules she had set in the house were related to her own culture? For example, the custom of removing shoes at the door. You said the script is partly a commentary on modern Australian culture, so contrasting it with a different culture might make things even funnier and more interesting. Also, what if Brad and she actually lived in her own country? That would explain why he is so unfamiliar with all these new rules in Australia on his return there. Just an idea.

Really good stuff, though. I enjoyed the humor, the satire and the whole quirkiness. It just needs to be a few pages shorter, IMO. Best of luck!

Manolis
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LC
Posted: September 13th, 2016, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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Dustin, thanks for your last suggestion. Goes without saying I'll be reviewing this one again, which brings me to my next point:

Lots of varied responses and suggestions  to Mollycoddled, from animation, to no dialogue at all, to Brad having more discussion with Dog, to Manolis now suggestion a clash of cultures from the start.

Thanks for providing your take on things Manolis, I always appreciate your views.  

I'll obviously have to streamline this quite a bit,  and decide where I'll go with it.

Thanks for all the suggestions. SS is great this way.

Oh, and two things: Just heard on the  news the 'lockout' laws in Sydney have been given a revamp to be a little more flexible.

Second thing is, Manolis, does that mean anything goes in Greece?    


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Stumpzian
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Just a few opinions/observations:
1. Brad isn't someone who's simply "tired" of Diane's "rules." He's an alcoholic. He urinated in the wardrobe. Most households don't need a rule that states: Do not pee in the closet.
2. I knew I had to read this because of (a) who wrote it, and (b) the title. Mollycoddle. I haven't heard anyone use the word in years. BUT -- I don't see how it fits the story. The only thing I can think of is that Diane mollycoddled Brad by taking him back.
3. I'm sorry Diane let him in. She'd finally drawn a line, thrown him out, but she takes him back because of the John Cusak-Say Anything moment at the end. Totally believable for the spouse of an alcoholic.
4. I feel sorry for the dog. He needed some water during the day.
5. I knew flip-flops as thongs long before the newer meaning. I also remember people
referring to flip-flops as Zories. I should delete this particular comment. Who cares?
6. It was funny when Brad got run over and the policeman gave him a ticket instead of calling an ambulance.

I'll stop now. I did enjoy this.

Henry



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LC
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Henry, thanks for taking a look at this.

1. You're right. Brad does come across as an alcoholic. That actually wasn't my intention. He's been on a bender the night before and then the following day it was my intention to show him lining them up due to him drowning his sorrows of being thrown out. I shall peg it back a bit I think cause this really shouldn't be the main part of the story.

2. Aww, that's a lovely first comment. As for your second: 'Mollycoddled' is a bit of an old fashioned word isn't it. I like it for its quirkiness. I also think it fits the story because I'm making a commentary on our current nanny-state laws - they've since been amended/relaxed a little bit. The extent of these laws was becoming ridiculous with the aim of protecting people from harm, and of course the government from litigation, and it's gone just too darned far.

3. Care to elaborate on the Say Anything thang? It may apply even without your first theory.

4. Yes, the Mutt will get more refreshments in the new version, and perhaps a love interest of his own.

5. Zories?! Wow, that's a new one on me.

6. Ah-ha, glad you liked that scene. I'm quite partial to it myself. It's meant to be rather cartoonish.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story overall. Needs an edit, perhaps list as animation, work out that pesky ending - leave it as a happy one, or not? etc.

Always appreciate you weighing in Henry, so thank you again for your thoughts.


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RichardR
Posted: October 4th, 2016, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Libby,

Some notes.

I like the title, and I did get the reference to Elaine.  

What makes this one become a bit long is there is no escalation in the events.  It's the same nanny state coming down on his transgressions.  What you might look for is an escalation in his offenses.  The beach, the park and then something a bit worse, and then a bit worse, until they're coming after him with all assets arrayed.  Then, use the dog to get him out.

Until the ending.  And if you're going to add a violinist (at what time?  and isn't there a noise ordinance after some PM?), why not add someone playing buckets and someone with a flute and enough folks for an orchestra?  And the crowd.  So, when the gendarmes come, they can't act because the whole neighborhood is there to protect the orchestra.  

But that's me.  

Best
Richard
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#GaryManson
Posted: November 9th, 2016, 8:30am Report to Moderator
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Hi Libby, I don't think this was repetitive. I did feel you were just making a statement as opposed to a script though. The format (signage) threw me a bit and goes against everything that I have learnt in the last couple of months?

Just curious, why you didn't name the dog? And why was Brad thrown out?

I can definitely relate to it, its pretty much like that in the UK.

This could actually be a good comedy, if you choose to take it that way. Can't wait to see where you go with this.

Gary
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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 9th, 2016, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, I hope you are fine, Libby!

Happy to read another script of you.

Oh, I see that you already got a lot of input. I haven't read those notes before and hope I neverthelss can add something valuable... let's see

"A few seconds pass" I think you should deliver that more playful.  It's not easy to embed such a beat but one should feel more of an individual, clever effort of you here. And I know you're able to do so.

Okay, what you do here is great. However, I think the message/topic must become clear quicker and taken to the top as direct as you can to pick up your target audience and capture their shared understanding in case of your critique. It's real and exists. The subject is of importance to many many people.

One other thing: I thought if the lead rather should be a woman. Not because of that whole stuff that happened yesterday - there's just a definite cliché of men who stand up and growl against exactly that kind of paternalism. Women instead, imo, act calmer toward it, and not so emotionally, but obviously, as you think about such a social topic, and I know many women equally do, a woman as lead could carry the script better to not let it look like the "angry man" struggling with modern social behavior and conventions. Long sentence

I hope you understand the psychological point I'm talking about. In general I'd also suggest to draw the main character as smart as possible, to show we not agree with those restrictions they constantly throw at us as a diverse group, all across the social fabric. Now he "may" look too much as an underclass person, drinker and tramp what could hurt the truth that other groups feel completely the same.

Also, I think you should reduce your message to the DON'T DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT. As said, I believe you got a huge audience who's fed up about that development. The light drama angle isn't that necessary imo. It even hurts your point.

I can identify with your feelings here. You forgot about video surveillance perhaps. One other thing is when they forbid children to play ball on a meadow, which I find horrible.

It's a very good concept and mindfully chosen topic. Such story must been told and you perceived that, and delivered it in a good direction already. I like what you do here and hope there's some food for thoughts between my lines. Take it to the top, I'd say.



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LC
Posted: November 10th, 2016, 1:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR
Libby,Some notes. I like the title, and I did get the reference to Elaine.

Thanks for the read and comments, Richard. Chuffed you got the Elaine reference too.

I didn't realize this had another comment until Gary and Alex 'revived' it. Apologies for the lack of response till now.


Quoted from RichardR
What makes this one become a bit long is there is no escalation in the events.

You think? Hmm, I don't know... The whole thing imh was the repetition of events might be amusing and the escalation is in constantly being thwarted in his attempts for freedom.

I think Pia and some other comments echoed yours, so I remain open minded.


Quoted from RichardR
... if you're going to add a violinist (at what time?  and isn't there a noise ordinance after some PM?),

Yep. I thought I covered that with the 'disturbance of the peace' ticket at the end amongst other tickets he gets in the final scene.

Quoted from RichardR
why not add someone playing buckets and someone with a flute and enough folks for an orchestra?  And the crowd.  So, when the gendarmes come, they can't act because the whole neighborhood is there to protect the orchestra.


Not a bad idea, Richard. Somebody else (I think Simon) suggested a full orchestra or close to it, and I liked it

If I get some interest in this I will definitely suggest this as it seems a popular choice for a finale.

Probably won't be doing a whole lot to this in the meantime as feedback was very varied.

Having said that, I made a few subtle changes and must upload to Don.

I added a love interest for Dog when he is tied up to the bike rack (a very excitable poodle) - and Dog gets a hat in one scene and water. For dog lovers that was remiss of me.

Appreciate your comments Richard. Thanks again.


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LC
Posted: November 10th, 2016, 2:11am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from #GaryManson
Hi Libby, I don't think this was repetitive.

Hey Gazza! Thanks for the read, and I'm glad you didn't find it repetitive, as in 'tedious'.

Quoted from #GaryManson
I did feel you were just making a statement as opposed to a script though.

That's an interesting comment. I definitely was making a statement as a reflection of what ol' Sydney town was going through a few months back. 'As opposed' to a script? Hmm, i suspect you are saying there was not quite enough story for you?


Quoted from #GaryManson
The format (signage) threw me a bit and goes against everything that I have learnt in the last couple of months?

Does it? Hmm. For your benefit Gaz, I went through the script and noticed I was a bit inconsistent with putting quotation marks after the 'signs'. Or rather omitting them when they shoulda been there.

On that same point, technically INSERT should probably be written in the script where the tickets are ripped off and given to Brad, however it's a bit of a long read already so I took creative license to streamline things there. That in itself would have got tedious for an already description heavy script.

Is that what you meant re format? Or something else? I feel a little with that comment like I'm being a corrupting influence.  

Get the basics down Gaz, and you can stretch the 'rules' a lil' bit while still remaining within Standard Industry Formatting.


Quoted from #GaryManson
Just curious, why you didn't name the dog? And why was Brad thrown out?

No need to name Dog, really. He's not addressed by name so... And, Brad was thrown out (at the top of the script) cause he mistook a wardrobe for a bathroom. The new draft (as Dustin pointed out) removes the question mark in the relevant line.


Quoted from #GaryManson
I can definitely relate to it, its pretty much like that in the UK.
Ah... They've just started to relax some of the rules here when business started suffering, so that's something but there is still too much mollycoddling.


Quoted from #GaryManson
This could actually be a good comedy, if you choose to take it that way.

I think by this comment you're letting me know there wasn't enough comedy in it for you?   Is that right? It's perhaps not a laugh out loud every line but I imagine if filmed with the right actor (and Dog) it would have enough slapstick visually and through Brad's misfortunes to be quite amusing.


Quoted from #GaryManson
Can't wait to see where you go with this.


Probably going to leave it as is for the moment. I will upload the latest draft as I said to Richard, but not a lot of noticeable changes.

Thanks so much for the read, Gazza. And be sure to let me know if I've answered your query re format suitably.


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LC
Posted: November 10th, 2016, 2:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby
Hey, I hope you are fine, Libby!

I'm pretty good, Alex. How're you doing? Well, I hope.


Quoted from Alex
I haven't read those notes before and hope I neverthelss can add something valuable... let's see
Always open to more feedback...


Quoted from Alex
"A few seconds pass" I think you should deliver that more playful. It's not easy to embed such a beat but one should feel more of an individual, clever effort of you here. And I know you're able to do so.

Think that was lazy, do you, Alex? I actually liked the rhythm of writing that with 'Another few seconds pass' following on its heels. What were you thinking? Brad should be chewing on a blade of grass, or eyeing off a cute neighbour?


Quoted from Alex
Okay, what you do here is great. However, I think the message/topic must become clear quicker...

Okay. I do still think this would play out a lot faster on screen, but maybe not... I thought about suggestions made previously about formatting it as montage instead but the more I thought about it, and experimented with it, it just lost quite a bit of its substance and flavour imh. I dunno. I might come back to it at another date.


Quoted from Alex
One other thing: I thought if the lead rather should be a woman...
Well that's definitely not a comment I've had before. Interesting, very. I think I'll leave it as is for this particular story, but I take your point about not automatically resorting to the stereotype.


Quoted from Alex
I hope you understand the psychological point I'm talking about. In general I'd also suggest to draw the main character as smart as possible...
Ah, I see what you're saying. I completely concur if we're talking about a more seriously themed script but in this case I was treating a potentially serious subject with humour. I get your point though.


Quoted from Alex
Also, I think you should reduce your message to the DON'T DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT. As said, I believe you got a huge audience who's fed up about that development. The light drama angle isn't that necessary imo. It even hurts your point.

I respect your view but I think there are different ways to handle serious subject matter and one way is through humour which can be pretty effective in getting the point across without hammering it home. I'm interested in how you might have approached it? Perhaps if this story had dire consequences for the main character, then I'd definitely agree, but I do think that's a different far more dramatic story to the one I'm telling here.


Quoted from Alex
...You forgot about video surveillance perhaps. One other thing is when they forbid children to play ball on a meadow, which I find horrible.

Yep, that's another goody. I think that definitely has a place in a more serious script. And it definitely is a worry. One CCTV camera per fifteen people in the UK apparently.


Quoted from Alex
I like what you do here and hope there's some food for thoughts between my lines. Take it to the top, I'd say.

Definitely. I sense your passion for the subject matter and think you Alex, should write the more dramatic version with the dire consequences. It did make me think there could be an alternate version. This one is definitely comedy/drama with a hint of romance in my mind.

Alex, you made me think well beyond. And I very much hope I can take one of my scripts to the top, some day... Don't we all. Thanks again, Alex.  


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PrussianMosby
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Hey Libby, I'm fine too, thank you.

I just refer to two points in this post: First, no I don't felt it was lazy formatting concerning the beat. It's the way how many would execute it. In the end, to me, such sentence delivers something like "stay in the picture and wait here". I wouldn't let him do something just to let it look active either.

More I think about not giving a separate line to the beat. But as said, it's not that easy to embed it. You should find your own way, but I give you a quick example:

The door slams shut behind him...

... the door flies open again and a backpack strikes Brad in his head. The door slams shut. Brad shakes as

the door flies open once more and a shaggy dog is deposited next to him.


That's just an example. Using ellipses at the first beat, the second time, we already understand the beat without implying it. You can make it smoother without saying STOP.

IMO, a writer of your quality should definitely avoid

A few seconds pass.
Another few seconds pass.


The second point:

IMO the drama around Diane doesn't fit so well because he has to leave his NEED, Diane, and then faces completely different adventures with dog, only to come back to her. It felt a bit strange toward the overall theme.

Probably my opinion wasn't delivered that good. Because I no way think the humor should leave at all or that you should draw it out like a documentary in a cold way based on message.

I give you another example.

Brad has an argument with a traffic warden, because they opened a site over night and now his car stands in a stopping restriction and gets towed away.

But shit he must go to work(and say give dog to his mother along the way etc…)He must now cross the city within 30 minutes or he gets fired. You can guess what happens then One wouldn't believe such a simple task could be any difficult. But it is.

Or, his task could be to reach Diane if you want to keep that angle. Love at stake because of crazy regulations.

As said, your approach is fine already and I admire you found this topic at all. I like the script as it is too. You probably know I'm a clear advocate of short short scripts and like directness and see shorts as a super quick medium. That's why in this case, I'd say the audience is found at the conflict of governmental harrassment toward citizens.


Quoted from LC

And I very much hope I can take one of my scripts to the top, some day


I know for sure you already accomplished that with the Sympatico story and probably many more scripts.



@ Hey Libby, just a short additional note: My example was just my inner cinema  

I think, I understand your concept of him just wanting to have a good time and take a chill in town, what they don't let him, pretty well. It works that way for sure. Concept-wise, still, Diane's role and their relationship is not clear to me. I feel no connection there yet. Contrary to a lot of what I said, maybe you could strengthen that romantic angle a bit. So, lots of opportunities.





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LC
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Meant to respond to you earlier, sorry Alex.

You've put a lot of thought into this, so much so I had to read through twice.   I  understand what you're saying and I appreciate and can see your point of view.

I do think though because we are all writers it might come down to:  'that's not how I would write it'. Get what I'm saying?

The idea when I'm writing: -

Another few seconds pass... etc.

Is to imply that comedic rhythm, like I said. I still kinda like it.

As for more of Diane, you're not alone in suggesting you'd like to see more of her and see more of their relationship together first. Who knows you might be right.

I think I decided it might muddy the waters unnecessarily and sometimes it's a good thing for an audience to fill in some gaps themselves. We know he's behaved badly and that Diane is his true love. He first wants to get away from her because she represents 'house rules at the very least, but then quickly realises in the process of discovering his freedom that it's not all it's cracked up to be and that so called freedom is over-rated. It also enabled me to to explore the themes of rules and how society can a bit mad in attempts to protect people from themselves.

I don't know... I remain open with this one, contemplate re-writes with more of Diane, then decide I quite like it the way it is.

For now, apart from a few changes I made - dog has a love interest of his own    I will probably leave as is for now.

Having said that, I thank you Alex for you taking the time and effort to dissect it and give your views. Always really appreciated.



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AlsoBen
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I'm probably not going to say anything ou haven't heard over four pages, but...


Nit picks:
" it streaks on ahead" on pg 2, although very clear in what is meant to be happening, is sort of a strange way to say it.

also pg 2: "No dogs! On a f�in� beach?" Why wouldn't this Aussie guy just say fuck? BTW its typed as "effin" when spelled out, just FYI :p

" He�s the male equivalent of Elaine Benes" made me laugh

OK so, I don't have too much to say. Well written. Funny.

I feel like too much happens to make the point about the nanny state (which is political in itself, as an Australian). And the other problem is that most of the rules/infringments are real things that happen, but then there's some cartoonish ones that aren't, if that makes sense. Like he gets hit by a truck and immedietely gets served for jaywalking? I think the commentery would work better if these were all TEHCNICALLY real nanny state laws that this dude managed to infringe in one day.

Another problem for me: it kind of goes against your point when the guy's refusal to pick up his dog's shit is in the same disource as a tasteful commentary on nanny state laws. Like, I hate people who do that. I wanted him to get fined. I don't know.

Beside that, this was funny, snippy and cute. Good work LC.


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