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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Mollycoddled
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  Author    Mollycoddled  (currently 6089 views)
SimonM
Posted: September 6th, 2016, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Yep, they did great stuff. Watched the Four Candles/Fork handles one recently. I tried to look up some of their no dialogue ones, but no luck so far.




"Futtock's End" is their most famous wordless one - it's on YouTube in full and has been released on DVD.

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Dustin
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 5:28am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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thongs.



I don't know what these are and don't really want to Google. I'm assuming you don't mean the underwear. Maybe another name for braces?

He gets turfed out for not wanting to follow the rules. He leaves, breaks a load of rules, then realises that the rules at home were not so bad after all and works his way back in also by breaking rules.

I'm not sure the story works like that. It's well written, lightly humorous, I just don't feel as though I have learned anything. What is the story saying? He calls another woman, even hits on two in a bar, before settling for his old girlfriend and worming his way back in.

I'm just a little confused by the message this story is delivering.

Probably just me smoking too much. I'll read through the other comments a bit more carefully, see what I've missed.


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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 6:50am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Ah Dustin, you're making me laugh.

Thongs are flipflops in Australia, common footwear, esp for walking about, and the beach. We call the other thing a g-string. In NZ thongs are called jandals.

And yes, all due respect you've been smoking too much.  

Brad pissed in the wardrobe, that's at the top, presumably drunk the night before, also he voices his contempt for his significant other via the dialogue: nag, nag, nag, they've clearly had a domestic, that's clear at the top too etc. Then he goes out into the big bad world where a whole bunch of new signs have been put up, and a whole bunch of new rules are in force.

The latter is a commentary on our culture (in particular, my state in Oz) becoming ridiculous with its rules in an attempt to fend of litigation,  prevent drunken violence, (lockout laws) etc. Nanny state.

Brad has such a hard time 'out there' during his day of 'freedom'  he realizes the rules at home, and the person he takes for granted, aren't so bad after all, and that he's the one being a bit of a dick.

Btw, he's drunk when he says something to the girl (what he says we don't know) and this along with his dancing is meant to be amusing, also pointing to the fact he doesn't have much enlightenment or sophistication particularly when inebriated.

Finally, he's phoning the same woman (unless there's a typo in there) throughout the day, the wife/girlfriend who booted him out in the first place.

Shame you didn't get much out of it, but you can't please everyone, and maybe it does need a few tweaks but it's meant to be light humour, as you said, with a message.

That said I thank you for the read Dustin. It's always appreciated, and your comments are duly noted,  



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  September 10th, 2016, 7:01am
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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Simon, thanks for the Futtock's end recommendation. Forty-three minutes of no dialogue. Got to admire that! Little bit dated and I skimmed through a lot, but some very funny stuff.


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Dustin
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 7:08am Report to Moderator
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Why would he need to bother calling Diane when he could just go around to the house? He walks away from the house only to phone her. I suppose I forgot about Diane due to all the other stuff going on

The urination thing... Brad actually asks the dog the question, so I assumed he was just joking and that it was the dog that did it.

I didn't get that he realised that he'd been a dick... more that he was settling for something he isn't happy with because he can't do any better.


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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Dustin:

Well, he's sussing her out, or trying to. You never done that, tested the water before returning? He did get thrown out on his butt.


BRAD
Piss in the wardrobe again?
Dog cocks his head innocently, wags his tail.
BRAD
Oh no, that was me wasnít it?

As for your last comment, yes there is an element of that, which is why I'm getting quite a bit of feedback she should only let the dog back in.   We'll see in the redraft.


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Dustin
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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I think if you drop the part where he hits on other women then he could go back. That would solve the moral issue of he not being happy with Diane. He is happy with her, it's only her rules that he doesn't like. Then going out into the big wide world he discovers that Diane's rules are not so bad after all... which is what you've done.

I'm still not clear on the urination thing. Brad asks a question, he doesn't make a statement. Without the question mark it reads as though he's remembered it was him, but with the question mark it appears as though it's something he has done before while drunk and is now making a joke about by pretending to be unsure.


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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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I know Dave suggested dropping that scene too.

And, you're right, good pickup. I didn't see that 'till now. There should not be a question mark, given Brad knows he in fact did it. Thanks Dustin.


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BSaunders
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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It's 2016.. The fact that the world still thinks "thong" is a suitable word for something a female wears on her buttox, and not something everyone wears on their feet is quite a worry. Get with it humanity
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Dustin
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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Maybe seeing a little of Diane and her rules at the beginning would help here too... so we also get to experience the differences with him. I think you can pull off some conflict at the beginning while keeping the light humorous tone. Maybe Diane is a little OCD.


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Dustin
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BSaunders
It's 2016.. The fact that the world still thinks "thong" is a suitable word for something a female wears on her buttox, and not something everyone wears on their feet is quite a worry. Get with it humanity


We call them flip-flops or sandals here. A thong is an item of underwear, although we also call them g-strings.


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Athenian
Posted: September 13th, 2016, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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Hey Libby,

If you're fed up with rules and laws, perhaps you should come to Greece for a vacation.

This one was definitely hard to pull off, without dialogue and everything. It would also be hard to get made - many locations, people, incidents and, of course, the dog. You should probably leave out some stuff that doesn't seem filmable (e.g. the scene with the truck) and take Dave's suggestion regarding the montage.

Here's a little suggestion of mine: What if Bradís girlfriend were of an "ethnic" background (Asian or something) and the rules she had set in the house were related to her own culture? For example, the custom of removing shoes at the door. You said the script is partly a commentary on modern Australian culture, so contrasting it with a different culture might make things even funnier and more interesting. Also, what if Brad and she actually lived in her own country? That would explain why he is so unfamiliar with all these new rules in Australia on his return there. Just an idea.

Really good stuff, though. I enjoyed the humor, the satire and the whole quirkiness. It just needs to be a few pages shorter, IMO. Best of luck!

Manolis
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LC
Posted: September 13th, 2016, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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Dustin, thanks for your last suggestion. Goes without saying I'll be reviewing this one again, which brings me to my next point:

Lots of varied responses and suggestions  to Mollycoddled, from animation, to no dialogue at all, to Brad having more discussion with Dog, to Manolis now suggestion a clash of cultures from the start.

Thanks for providing your take on things Manolis, I always appreciate your views.  

I'll obviously have to streamline this quite a bit,  and decide where I'll go with it.

Thanks for all the suggestions. SS is great this way.

Oh, and two things: Just heard on the  news the 'lockout' laws in Sydney have been given a revamp to be a little more flexible.

Second thing is, Manolis, does that mean anything goes in Greece?    


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Stumpzian
Posted: September 16th, 2016, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Just a few opinions/observations:
1. Brad isn't someone who's simply "tired" of Diane's "rules." He's an alcoholic. He urinated in the wardrobe. Most households don't need a rule that states: Do not pee in the closet.
2. I knew I had to read this because of (a) who wrote it, and (b) the title. Mollycoddle. I haven't heard anyone use the word in years. BUT -- I don't see how it fits the story. The only thing I can think of is that Diane mollycoddled Brad by taking him back.
3. I'm sorry Diane let him in. She'd finally drawn a line, thrown him out, but she takes him back because of the John Cusak-Say Anything moment at the end. Totally believable for the spouse of an alcoholic.
4. I feel sorry for the dog. He needed some water during the day.
5. I knew flip-flops as thongs long before the newer meaning. I also remember people
referring to flip-flops as Zories. I should delete this particular comment. Who cares?
6. It was funny when Brad got run over and the policeman gave him a ticket instead of calling an ambulance.

I'll stop now. I did enjoy this.

Henry



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LC
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Henry, thanks for taking a look at this.

1. You're right. Brad does come across as an alcoholic. That actually wasn't my intention. He's been on a bender the night before and then the following day it was my intention to show him lining them up due to him drowning his sorrows of being thrown out. I shall peg it back a bit I think cause this really shouldn't be the main part of the story.

2. Aww, that's a lovely first comment. As for your second: 'Mollycoddled' is a bit of an old fashioned word isn't it. I like it for its quirkiness. I also think it fits the story because I'm making a commentary on our current nanny-state laws - they've since been amended/relaxed a little bit. The extent of these laws was becoming ridiculous with the aim of protecting people from harm, and of course the government from litigation, and it's gone just too darned far.

3. Care to elaborate on the Say Anything thang? It may apply even without your first theory.

4. Yes, the Mutt will get more refreshments in the new version, and perhaps a love interest of his own.

5. Zories?! Wow, that's a new one on me.

6. Ah-ha, glad you liked that scene. I'm quite partial to it myself. It's meant to be rather cartoonish.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story overall. Needs an edit, perhaps list as animation, work out that pesky ending - leave it as a happy one, or not? etc.

Always appreciate you weighing in Henry, so thank you again for your thoughts.


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