Spilled Milk by Robert Spence & Grant Keating - Short, Horror - Teddy, a lonely farmer, lives on Castrone Farm isolated from the world, but strange things start to happen, and it turns into a fight for survival. Will he escape the sinister happenings surrounding his farm? 16 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format

This one was pretty cool, it goes at a slow pace, but I think it worked well for this one.

My lord Teddy has a mouth on him, probably how I'll sound when I'm 60

This one fit the theme and genre well and the story was interesting, I was wondering where it was going to lead next.

this was another good one

I know who wrote this mutherf****r script! Well, but I'll not say who it is anyway. After the page 5 I started to see Morgan Freeman playing Taddy role. Who wrote this pearl is one of the best dialogues writer! The rhythm makes you to whish more ahead the pages.

Nice work here, dude!

Jesus H Christ that was good! Definitely the best I've read at the moment and I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this so well done to you man, that was brilliant.

The whole story was weird from the start. As Helio's already pointed out (sort of) the mother fucking dialogue is absolutely outstanding. Where's ma shotgun? That made me laugh every time I saw it. That Teddy character was also 5 star material. He's surely a character I wont forget in a hurry and this is certainly a story I wont forget soon.

Again, well done dude, that was cool. If it's not by the person I think it is then... wow, there's two of 'em out there! Good going.

Jamie

This one didn't really work for me. I hope you forgive me for saying this because I think we might know each other a little.

The writing was as sharp as can be, but to be honest with you, Teddy's dialogue turned me off. I'm sure  the young male writers around here will like it, but it did not work for me. Sorry.

There was milk involved for sure, but I felt it failed when it came to the horror part. It had some towards the end, but until then it was mostly absent.

This was however sharpely written, descriptions, action and everything else, I just couldn't get into it. Mostly because of the language.  

SPOILERS

First off, nice pacing.   I liked how it started, slow and mysterious, then kept getting crazier.

A very well-writen script, too.   I'm impressed that all of this was completed within one week. Wow!

I liked Teddy (potty mouth that he was). He was just an old, and hurt farmer. A well-rounded character, tough, yet soft toward the boy who he thought needed help.

The ending was pretty sweet, too.

Other than a couple type o's nothing but good thoughts about this one.

Great job!

Cindy

  

Best dialogue, but i didnt like the story to much.

You did an outstanding job with the repetetive nature of Teddy's dialogue.

I just didnt find the story very entertaining.

The strength of this one was the character of Teddy.  He was excellent, and probably would have gotten along well with that Old Man Crim character from another one of these stories.  I felt Teddy's dialogue was top notch throughout.

The story surrounding Teddy was good -- but not as good.  I liked the slow build, but had no idea what role his wife played in all of this.  You could trim her out and lose nothing.

And the flashback that starts of page 13 begins so abruptly -- and really doesn't explain anything as far as I could tell -- was another weak spot for what was overall a pretty good story.  Was there anything here that could not have been incorporated into the earlier dream sequence, after he falls in the bathroom?  That transition was much, much smoother.

All complaints aside, however -- this one was quite good, with perhaps the best character I have encountered in any of these stories.

Hey.

NOt too fond of teddy, thought he was kind of obnoxious, but a strong character nevertheless, just one that I didn't like.

I also thought it was a bit to slow to get to the story and never quite picked up on the dissapearing milk.  I think that you could cut a lot from this script and it would make it much more entertaining.

Also, it bugged me when Teddy said "The Names Teddy" to the tape recorder, that seemed artificial.  If you want to get his name known, why not instead have Teddy quote his dad saying something like "Teddy, women'll suck ya dry" or whatever, adressing him by his name.

--Tyler

This one was very good I thought. Loved the dialogue and Teddy's character. Don't have much to complain about this one.

It starts off a little slow, and does drag a little bit - but I think the script has definite potential.  A few questions, and thoughts on the story:

WITH SPOILERS

Teddy's understandably one dimensional, stereotypically redneck.  That's okay, up to a point, but I actually see room to give him some depth and sympathetic characteristics.  Like: he does seem to be actually concerned about the boy, despite the shotgun comments, etc, etc.  Maybe work on making him a little more human, even if he's still "rural and simple".  (Cut down a little on the shotgun comments...it gets a bit repetitive!)

Also...WHY was the boy killed, by whom (his parents?).  Who knows...its a little unclear as to his ethnicity, but maybe he's Chinese, and was killed by locals who wanted the foreigners out of town?  But also, why is the ghost manifesting now?  What's the trigger?  Something Teddy does, perhaps?

Also, while I like the wife. psychiatrist, tape recorder subplot, it doesn't seem to go anywhere, or tie into the story (other than to show that Teddy's alone, and rather maladjusted.)  Maybe it can be integrated more thoroughly with the plot...?

The massacred cows are a nice, creepy touch - especially if it builds up from smaller things that are "just not right"...  I would like to see this developed further, with a more human feel. It could be really interesting.

The progression of the story was good and the payoffs with the silent boy were on point, but I too had some problems with Teddy and with the weak tie-in to milk.  Teddy did a little too much talking to himself and used the 'Jesus H Christ' a little too much.

Just a note about shotguns.  The most common gauges are 10, 12, and 20.  There are no nine gauge shotguns.
Also, they don't use bullets.  They use what's referred to as a 'shell,' a plastic tube full of 'shot,' hence the name.

On Page 3, you use desecrates.  I don't believe coldness can desecrate a farm.

Page 10, he just jumps out of the shower and puts on a coat?  No towel, no other clothes?

On page 13, I think the loop hole you are talking about is a noose.

Sorry to hammer on the details.  These just jumped out at me.

This, so far, is my favorite. It was an entertaining story. One that slowly unfolded, keeping my attention throughout.  The characters were interesting, especially Teddy who jumped off the page.

My only nit is the overuse of the word suddenly. It's unimaginative. It took me out of the story, reminding me that what is an otherwise excellent script, was authored by an amateur.  

pg. 4  "Suddenly there is a knock at his front door."
pg. 6  "Teddy suddenly wakes up."
pg. 7  "suddenly, there is a knock at the front door."  
pg. 8  "He suddenly notices a light flickers on and off in the barn."
pg.9   "Suddenly the phone rings."
pg. 12 "Teddy Suddenly wakes up."
pg. 13 "Suddenly another bottle of whiskey..."
pg. 13 "Suddenly a hand grabs his shoulder..."
pg. 15 "Suddenly the doors slam shut.

Seth

This script started off slowly but it was that which made it the success it is, the build up to the boy's tale had to be doen this way because without it it would be a 5 page screenplay which would show no effort put into this project. i have read osme 5 page ones which are good but colud have had the detail which this one has. it jumps from one scene to another very quickly  which im not sure i like. maybe scenes cud have been longer dont know
ment to put 4 stars in as the ratin but mucked up

I have to agree with Pia about the language detracting from the story. it would have shown much more skill to have that character say things in a blustering way without resorting to mo-fo and all that. Way big overload there. Also, I got weary of his saying "Where's ma shotgun?" Again, too much.

Not the person I thought it was from but WOOOW!

Well done Robert. My favourite for sure... dialogue was exceptional. Keep it going!

Jamie

Very nice job Robert

Thanks to everybody who reviewed my script. I had written thisp with 3 days until the deadline and my friend Grant had a lot to do with this also. It was a fun script to write, and immensly enjoyed creating Teddy.

Where's ma mother fuckin shotgun!? Where is it!?...

Who did you think it was originally Jamie?

I thought this was written by a very talented writer and member here called Kotton. I was so sure it was him but was pleasantly surprised that it was you. He even let me know, after I'd asked him if it was him, that he was honoured that I thought this great piece was written by him, so that's definitely a good thing for you Robert.

Lol i'm honoured thank you. Wasn't quite sure how this script would hve been taken. Your script was really good. It reminded me soo much of Shaun of The Dead with its humour and was a good success.

i liked this one a lot mainly because of the Teddy character. that was a fun read. the story was good. typical kinda ghost story... but who cares with the great character.

I thought this was a pretty decent story. With only one character, you were able to give him some measure of depth.

The psychiatry thing was amusing (I could see recording his thoughts as a method one might use for someone to get to know themselves), but why did the wife show up? It seemed to be there to show he disliked her, but we already got that from the conversation with the psychiatrist.

I would be interested to know why the parents (I assume) are haunting this farm. Why do they want Teddy out? Is Teddy new there? I got the impression he'd been there for some time. If I understand correctly, Teddy bought this farm in his 40's? Seems awful late in one's life to go and buy a cattle farm. Is this was caused the estrangement from his wife? I'd be interested to know why he is such an angry, bitter, old man. As is, he begins this way but experiences no growth.

It's a pretty good story with a nice build and cool pay off in the end, but it leaves us with some unanswered questions that could be explored if this were expanded into a feature or at least a longer short. There's a lot of story here that could be explored.

I have already thanked you Kevan so now George. As it stands i may make it into a feature as i really enjoyed writing this. Thank you for all your comments and all of these questions will be answered soon enough..

Hey, I enjoyed your work. Eventhough its a horror,  I found some scenes pretty funny. I also found the protagonist funny as well. He curses way too much. This is not a negative but rather a postivie for me. I would enjoy knowing the child's backstory. And I think you should input some evil deeds that the mother can do since the readers only witness the father pulling the child back. Good job nevertheless.

Gabriel

Hi Robert,

I must admit I didn't like this one. I thought it was longer than it had to be, somewhat boring and for a horror flick it wasn't really scary.

!!!SPOILERS!!!

The plot in itself I actually liked a lot, it was a nice twist on the old haunted house routine and Poltergeist, but IMO you didn't manage to take it to the next level. I think it would have help the story if we had learned more about the boy and his parents, in particular why the boy was killed (it couldn't just have been over spilled milk - that would just be silly) It doesn't really work for me the way it reads now because - even though there's certainly plenty of mystique surrounding the boy and his family - it comes across as forced and rushed (I understand that this was written for the OWC so I can forgive that it felt a little rushed).

Teddy - basically the only character in the story - I think you nailed him really well. He might sound very two-dimensional, but that's okay because that is what he is. You painted him as a recluse (maybe even a little retarded), and that helped in moving the story along. But for the life of me I just couldn't picture Teddy ever being married and he certainly did not come across like a guy who would go to see a shrink - at least not voluntarily.

I understand that you used his dialog to portray and characterize him (and you totally succeeded with that), but after a point I felt the dialog became very annoying because it was so repetitive, I know that you were striving for that with regards to his character, but I feel it would have worked better had you mixed it up a bit (without him breaking character). As for the dialog in general I thought it was alright though forgettable.

I think your writing skills need some improvement. I felt that some of your description were a bit long and could use a little trimming. Don't over-use the words "is" and "are". Instead of witing "The boy is sitting on the hay", just write "The boy sits on the hay". Be careful of not telling us something that is not shown on the screen but on the other hand don't repeat yourself. Example:

Page 2: He sits down a bucket and a bottle of milk. A routine he is used to doing.
He is? How do you plan to show that?

Page 6: Now realizing the boy may be in distress and possibly scared he makes an attempt to make him feel welcome.
You don't have to tell us that, Teddy does that just fine a moment later.

This line cracked my up though:

Page 8: It is again pitch black. Nowhere can be seen except the barn, which is amplified by the harsh spotlight of the moon.
So it's not really THAT pitch black, right?

Your format is pretty good, I've nothing really to add here except to say that you shouldn't use parenthecals to describe actions.

That's it for me, hope you got something useful out of this review.

Cheers
Rob

Rob,
       Thanks for the review. I hadn't looked over this in a while so it is good to bring it back to the boards. Ok, ok you didn't like, you can't please everyone and i respect you have came out and told me your honest opinion, which is what we as writers strive for.

This was a collabrative effort, and i originally had the idea of a family who are being haunted in this old house but my friend brought that to a nee level, and so we came up with Teddy. And no, he wasn't killed over spilled milk. The young boy inhabited the farm before, and his parents were sick people, and the boy so happened to like milk (symbolic of purity and innocence)  and because it was a short i didn't think i would need to go into a tremendous amount of detail in order to describe their backstories.

Teddy is an interesting character in his simplicity. I feel he is the most interesting thing about the script, so interesting i would possibly write him again in a different context but will have to tone down the profanity a little i think haha. Yes i did feel his dialogue was repetative but that is the kind of character Teddy is.

Well, yes it does seem he wouldn't have got married but why is he not married now?

My screenplay writing has improved since then, as this was a whole six months ago that i had written this. But i will say i tend to say more about what you are seeing on the screen, and this is a habit i need to get out of.

Thank you for your review Rob, and it has been much appreciated.

Robert

And thank you Ripley also for your review I hadn't checked this one in a while so i must have forgot to thank you.

This is a script that goes a bit to long for the content it contains.

Some scenes could have been cut out to tighten up the story.  I understand you wanted to show the lonely bitter life Teddy is living on his farm, but just stuff like show every detail of cook breakfast for example is over doing it it bit.

But other then that it is well written.

      

Yeah I agree.

Cool writing, weird, cool story, good character, but you could have cut it down heaps and still had the same effect.

I thought Teddy's lines were very repetitive. Same lines again and again and again.

Overall fun to read. Just wanted to post and say that. Well done.