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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  For Satan - OWC
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  Author    For Satan - OWC  (currently 2199 views)
Don
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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For Satan by Zack Akers (Zack) writing as Bobby Pickett - Short, Horror - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 4th, 2021, 1:42pm
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 2:37am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hi Writer,

Straight in with Thriller. Gonna cost you some money.

I liked this one. Great villain in the end, and I loved the double twist. Written really well and a quick read overall.
Some nice deaths too. A slasher movie I wouldn't mind watching.
Good stuff.

Good luck,
Glenn.


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Anon
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 3:58am Report to Moderator
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As mentioned - Thriller would cost a million or so - and it's not needed. But what the HELL - it's Halloween, right?

What I like most about this is the funny 80s style dialogue at the start. "I can't feel my dick" - Ha! The feel of the piece and characters were good. The visuals nicely done.

My only comment here is that the twists aren't really twists. Or not ones that land with impact, because they're not set up. They come from nowhere and you could swap the characters around at the end and it wouldn't make a difference. If you tightened that up - set up the twists so they're organic to the story - this would be both an entertaining read AND a really good story. But it is an entertaining read. Well done.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 6:10am Report to Moderator
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Luv me some "Shakespeare." So you get a few extra brownie points.

Lame.

Just kidding, this is why I don't go to horror movies. I'm creeped out just by reading this. I laughed aloud quite a few times.. Your script do evoke the correct tone and setting for this type of story, but what I want to commend you on is this...JMHO, the horror and comedy added to each other instead of detracting from each other, which(for horror/comedy)  is the difference between craft and crap. The twists were ok.  Not gonna nit-pick. Good job, but can you make it less scary. I got to get some sleep!  



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RolandJ
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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++Spoilers++

I wasn't as glued to the Halloween other than the characters talked about it. I'm not necessarily a big fan of horror, but I recognize when it's done well.  I can see where real fans of the genre might appreciate this premise in a feature film. So lots of luck getting it to that format.

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RolandJ  -  October 18th, 2021, 6:03pm
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 2:35am Report to Moderator
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"Think you know this story? Think again"

Yeah, I know this story all too well. A standard slasher horror I've seen way too many times. That's not a bad thing, it's just when you lay down a challenge with your logline, you'd best be able to back it up.

Thriller blows the budget before we even FADE IN, never mind using the Vincent Price lyrics.

The teenagers are your standard teenagers in every horror film. I like that you've set it in the 80's Sure everything is set in the 80's these days but that was my decade and I'll never get tired of it.

This is well written, even though the deaths are the standard slasher deaths. I like the twist of the bad guys being turned into the victims by someone even more f*cked up. I think something like this would work really well in the new version of Scream. You should have ended it with that reveal though, with Sam saying "For Satan" and chasing after them. We didn't really need to see anything else.

My nitpicks are simply because I'm a bit tired of the slasher horror and your logline suggested that was going to be something more. It was well written, easy to follow and ticked all the boxes, well done.


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MarkRenshaw  -  October 18th, 2021, 7:24am
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Yuvraj
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

The writing is decent with the typical '80s slasher tropes. Again, I knew that it won't be that easy for Eric and Jack to be the ultimate killers and end the story right then and there coz then it would be predictable as hell. There had to be another twist. And there was.

Not gonna say that I was blown away with the reveal and amount of gore shown but it was a decent effort to pay homage to the campy slasher horror back in the days.

Good luck.


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SteveClark
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Knowing some of my past OWCs, if Sam had let out a greasy fart after the burp I would have enjoyed this more. JK. Anyway, I like this one alot. Def the 80s, mindless horror type stuff, but there's room for that and, ey, it's Halloween. Go for it! Suspend that disbelief!

That said, my gripes are this -- you could have trimmed this down by at least a page. Did you really need the Vincent Price Thriller intro? Was kind of cool, but not totally necessary in my mind. Lastly, I would have appreciated a teeny little but if backstory with some of these characters, at least Sam and Jack. Telegraph a little blip that at the end we'd be like -- oh yeah, he did say that or she did DO that. Anyways...

Very good effort here. Good writing too!

Steve


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irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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I always wondered who owned the rights to "Thriller" and sure as hit they're right here on S.S.

I enjoyed this.  The writing was excellent and the story was fast-paced.

Nice twist at the end...  Good ole slasher script for Halloween

Good job on entering


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Read well, some great slasher gore and a couple of twists, what’s not to like? Great work

It’s 2am now and I couldn’t sleep so thought I’d read a couple scripts... not sure this one helped with the old sleep problem


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Britman
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Sounds like the writer is a huge Friday the 13th fan.

Some clever kills throughout and I did like the reveal, but you should've ended it there.

Alas I found myself skimming a lot through this. There just wasn't enough of a story for me and nothing I've not seen before in a general slasher. Maybe if you trimmed it down to <8 pages it would work better.

And I would certainly lose the Vincent Price VO. Everyone is familiar enough with that song so there's no need to take up 1/2 page with unnecessary dialogue. Just put something like Vincent Price's croaky voice wafts from a nearby speaker or something.

The writing was decent if a little stiff with the creative deaths just about making up for it. A decent entry overall though.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
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bert
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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I'm a sucker for a haunted house story.

Early on -- for more than a page -- I feel like we're leaning way too heavy into the (questionable?) soundtrack choice.  But as we proceed into the story, I am totally feeling the vibe of eighties homage and the darkly droll kills of that period.

While the final twist of our double-twist is fine, it might land better if it were somehow telegraphed more, subtly setting this up as a true payoff.  Also, we might be running too long for a page or two near the end -- for me, I would keep things contained in our spooky house, with little need for a full-on chase through the woods.

It's good, though, and I particularly enjoyed the comic bits that established the tone well.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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So this one if a mixed bag for me...

First page of Thriller could be cut to a couple of lines, not that you'd get rights to it anyway.

Extra marks for Quigley ref, though I'd have preferred she be the Sam character.

Characters, setup etc all work for me, evocative of the 80s slasher stuff I grew up on and loved.

But the double twist didn't cut it for me as we'd not really had any suggestion of supernatural to that point.

Well written though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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Nice set up. Particularly liked the finer details e.g. the Bard's quote in orange.

You choreographed the visual setup to a T, from the rolling fog to the pale moonlight and the leaves crunching underfoot - some great goth imagery.

I felt sorry for Marty. Yuk, as well. Makes a change from I can't feel my legs btw.  

If there's any detracting element for me it's that I don't really emphathise with any of this lot - except Marty, and his demise is executed in short shrift. I like survivors in my Horror films - e.g. Laurie in Halloween. Anyway, that's not what this is. It's brutal and gory double-crossing fun.

Nice work here!
Very well written too.

FYI: P.9 A gap between action and dialogue - extra line.
No biggie, just in case you're not aware.


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SteveClark
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

FYI: P.9 A gap between action and dialogue - extra line.
No biggie, just in case you're not aware.


Ha! I thought I was the only one who noticed that.


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