For Satan by Zack Akers (Zack) writing as Bobby Pickett - Short, Horror - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Writer,

Straight in with Thriller. Gonna cost you some money.

I liked this one. Great villain in the end, and I loved the double twist. Written really well and a quick read overall.
Some nice deaths too. A slasher movie I wouldn't mind watching.
Good stuff.

Good luck,
Glenn.

As mentioned - Thriller would cost a million or so - and it's not needed. But what the HELL - it's Halloween, right?

What I like most about this is the funny 80s style dialogue at the start. "I can't feel my dick" - Ha! The feel of the piece and characters were good. The visuals nicely done.

My only comment here is that the twists aren't really twists. Or not ones that land with impact, because they're not set up. They come from nowhere and you could swap the characters around at the end and it wouldn't make a difference. If you tightened that up - set up the twists so they're organic to the story - this would be both an entertaining read AND a really good story. But it is an entertaining read. Well done.

Luv me some "Shakespeare." So you get a few extra brownie points.

Lame.

Just kidding, this is why I don't go to horror movies. I'm creeped out just by reading this. I laughed aloud quite a few times.. Your script do evoke the correct tone and setting for this type of story, but what I want to commend you on is this...JMHO, the horror and comedy added to each other instead of detracting from each other, which(for horror/comedy)  is the difference between craft and crap. The twists were ok.  Not gonna nit-pick. Good job, but can you make it less scary. I got to get some sleep!  

++Spoilers++

I wasn't as glued to the Halloween other than the characters talked about it. I'm not necessarily a big fan of horror, but I recognize when it's done well.  I can see where real fans of the genre might appreciate this premise in a feature film. So lots of luck getting it to that format.

"Think you know this story? Think again"

Yeah, I know this story all too well. A standard slasher horror I've seen way too many times. That's not a bad thing, it's just when you lay down a challenge with your logline, you'd best be able to back it up.

Thriller blows the budget before we even FADE IN, never mind using the Vincent Price lyrics.

The teenagers are your standard teenagers in every horror film. I like that you've set it in the 80's Sure everything is set in the 80's these days but that was my decade and I'll never get tired of it.

This is well written, even though the deaths are the standard slasher deaths. I like the twist of the bad guys being turned into the victims by someone even more f*cked up. I think something like this would work really well in the new version of Scream. You should have ended it with that reveal though, with Sam saying "For Satan" and chasing after them. We didn't really need to see anything else.

My nitpicks are simply because I'm a bit tired of the slasher horror and your logline suggested that was going to be something more. It was well written, easy to follow and ticked all the boxes, well done.

Hi writer,

The writing is decent with the typical '80s slasher tropes. Again, I knew that it won't be that easy for Eric and Jack to be the ultimate killers and end the story right then and there coz then it would be predictable as hell. There had to be another twist. And there was.

Not gonna say that I was blown away with the reveal and amount of gore shown but it was a decent effort to pay homage to the campy slasher horror back in the days.

Good luck.

Writer,

Knowing some of my past OWCs, if Sam had let out a greasy fart after the burp I would have enjoyed this more. JK. Anyway, I like this one alot. Def the 80s, mindless horror type stuff, but there's room for that and, ey, it's Halloween. Go for it! Suspend that disbelief!

That said, my gripes are this -- you could have trimmed this down by at least a page. Did you really need the Vincent Price Thriller intro? Was kind of cool, but not totally necessary in my mind. Lastly, I would have appreciated a teeny little but if backstory with some of these characters, at least Sam and Jack. Telegraph a little blip that at the end we'd be like -- oh yeah, he did say that or she did DO that. Anyways...

Very good effort here. Good writing too!

Steve

I always wondered who owned the rights to "Thriller" and sure as hit they're right here on S.S.

I enjoyed this.  The writing was excellent and the story was fast-paced.

Nice twist at the end...  Good ole slasher script for Halloween

Good job on entering

Read well, some great slasher gore and a couple of twists, what’s not to like? Great work

It’s 2am now and I couldn’t sleep so thought I’d read a couple scripts... not sure this one helped with the old sleep problem

Sounds like the writer is a huge Friday the 13th fan.

Some clever kills throughout and I did like the reveal, but you should've ended it there.

Alas I found myself skimming a lot through this. There just wasn't enough of a story for me and nothing I've not seen before in a general slasher. Maybe if you trimmed it down to <8 pages it would work better.

And I would certainly lose the Vincent Price VO. Everyone is familiar enough with that song so there's no need to take up 1/2 page with unnecessary dialogue. Just put something like Vincent Price's croaky voice wafts from a nearby speaker or something.

The writing was decent if a little stiff with the creative deaths just about making up for it. A decent entry overall though.

I'm a sucker for a haunted house story.

Early on -- for more than a page -- I feel like we're leaning way too heavy into the (questionable?) soundtrack choice.  But as we proceed into the story, I am totally feeling the vibe of eighties homage and the darkly droll kills of that period.

While the final twist of our double-twist is fine, it might land better if it were somehow telegraphed more, subtly setting this up as a true payoff.  Also, we might be running too long for a page or two near the end -- for me, I would keep things contained in our spooky house, with little need for a full-on chase through the woods.

It's good, though, and I particularly enjoyed the comic bits that established the tone well.

So this one if a mixed bag for me...

First page of Thriller could be cut to a couple of lines, not that you'd get rights to it anyway.

Extra marks for Quigley ref, though I'd have preferred she be the Sam character.

Characters, setup etc all work for me, evocative of the 80s slasher stuff I grew up on and loved.

But the double twist didn't cut it for me as we'd not really had any suggestion of supernatural to that point.

Well written though.

Nice set up. Particularly liked the finer details e.g. the Bard's quote in orange.

You choreographed the visual setup to a T, from the rolling fog to the pale moonlight and the leaves crunching underfoot - some great goth imagery.

I felt sorry for Marty. Yuk, as well. Makes a change from I can't feel my legs btw.  

If there's any detracting element for me it's that I don't really emphathise with any of this lot - except Marty, and his demise is executed in short shrift. I like survivors in my Horror films - e.g. Laurie in Halloween. Anyway, that's not what this is. It's brutal and gory double-crossing fun.

Nice work here!
Very well written too.

FYI: P.9 A gap between action and dialogue - extra line.
No biggie, just in case you're not aware.

Quoted from LC FYI: P.9 A gap between action and dialogue - extra line. No biggie, just in case you're not aware.

Ha! I thought I was the only one who noticed that.

The writing on this one is mostly excellent, I'd say. Some really good stuff.

The story... it was fine. It felt like you maybe ended after the end. Going out on the second twist leaves us with the punch of the twist. Everything after that is just the balloon slowly deflating.

But, you wanted more blood, so you just kept going. And, knowing with a 98% certainty who wrote this... I can respect that.

Quoted from PKCardinal And, knowing with a 98% certainty who wrote this...

Right?

Pretty good writing overall that follows the slasher trope to good effect. I feel the story should've started earlier (easily done by compressing the intro).

Suggestion: Jack should be the final victim. I was much more invested in his relationship to Sam, than a middle-aged dude we just met. Imagine Jack's emotional journey on those final pages, realizing he judged the cover of that book *way* wrong...

A good slasher script that features the expected slasher tropes. Action flows smoothly, descriptions are very good, and dialogue is also good. Jack turning the table on his friends is another common feature of slasher flicks, but having Sam turn on him and his father, the Killer, was nice. When she tells Eric, “You should be running now,” it would’ve been great if he’d answered with something like, “No can do, babe. I am Satan.”

Thanks, everyone, for reading and sharing your thoughts. I'm actually surprised most of you liked this. That's awesome, because I had a blast writing it.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw "Think you know this story? Think again" Yeah, I know this story all too well. A standard slasher horror I've seen way too many times. That's not a bad thing, it's just when you lay down a challenge with your logline, you'd best be able to back it up.   My nitpicks are simply because I'm a bit tired of the slasher horror and your logline suggested that was going to be something more..

Well...

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I like the twist of the bad guys being turned into the victims by someone even more f*cked up. I think something like this would work really well in the new version of Scream.

That was my "something more". Not really sure I understand your logic here.  

Quoted from Dukeman42 Suggestion: Jack should be the final victim. I was much more invested in his relationship to Sam, than a middle-aged dude we just met. Imagine Jack's emotional journey on those final pages, realizing he judged the cover of that book *way* wrong...

Love this suggestion.

Quoted from PKCardinal But, you wanted more blood, so you just kept going. And, knowing with a 98% certainty who wrote this... I can respect that.

I honestly can't help myself.  

Quoted from Anon My only comment here is that the twists aren't really twists. Or not ones that land with impact, because they're not set up. They come from nowhere and you could swap the characters around at the end and it wouldn't make a difference. If you tightened that up - set up the twists so they're organic to the story - this would be both an entertaining read AND a really good story..

While you are not really wrong, I will defend my decision to present the story the way I have. In an early draft, I dropped a lot more hints that something might be up with Sam and Jack. Early feedback made it clear that the hints were too much and spoiled the twist that Sam was the real villain. Seeing that I was dealing with a page limit for this challenge, I was in a bit of a pickle. Either plant a bunch of seeds and give away the twist, or keep the hints very vague and let the twist come out of seemingly nowhere. I opted for the latter. If I were to turn this into a feature, I'd have a lot more room to play with. Still,I respect your opinion.

Quoted from RolandJ I wasn't as glued to the Halloween other than the characters talked about it.

Well, all of my characters were dressed up in Halloween costumes and they've just left a Halloween party to explore a creepy abandoned house. And it's set on Halloween. What more do you need?

Quoted from AnthonyCawood But the double twist didn't cut it for me as we'd not really had any suggestion of supernatural to that point.

Tough to plant seeds for a supernatural twist in a short. Instead, I opted to hint that something is just off about Sam. Still, you've got a valid point.

Thanks for getting the new draft up, Don.

Used Dukeman42's suggestion and wrote up a new ending. Curious to see what you guys think.

Ahoy Zack

Hm, I have entirely too much free time on my hands today and ended up rereading this.  I didn't have any major problems with this the first time round, tho' I do think the ending is much stronger. Like I said, you have a very wicked imagination! Best of Irish luck.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Ahoy Zack Hm, I have entirely too much free time on my hands today and ended up rereading this.  I didn't have any major problems with this the first time round, tho' I do think the ending is much stronger. Like I said, you have a very wicked imagination! Best of Irish luck.

Thanks for giving this one another look, Ghostie. Happy you feel like this version has a stronger ending.

Still,  I feel like there's still more I can do with this. Maybe expand it even more? So many possibilities.

Thanks again for reading. Anything I can look at in return?

Hey, Zack! The revised ending definitely works for me. I was much more invested in the final confrontation, and the fate of the last victim. Nicely done on that!

Prose and blocking flow well! Some dialogue in the second half could probably be scaled back to let the actions speak for themselves. But that can also be worked out in post, so you do you on that Thanks for sharing the revised version.

Quoted from Dukeman42 Hey, Zack! The revised ending definitely works for me. I was much more invested in the final confrontation, and the fate of the last victim. Nicely done on that! Prose and blocking flow well! Some dialogue in the second half could probably be scaled back to let the actions speak for themselves. But that can also be worked out in post, so you do you on that Thanks for sharing the revised version.

Thanks for giving this one another look. And thanks again for the awesome suggestion for the new ending. I agree that it's much more satisfying now.

I'll look at the dialog and see what I can cut.

Never gonna happen. Vincent Price V.O. He's dead!

Thriller copyright issue.

House not lived in. Show don't tell.


Do I really need to get past the nxt pages? I think not Chumbo.

I appreciate the read and the bump. Sorry you couldn't get past the first couple of pages.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Never gonna happen. Vincent Price V.O. He's dead! Thriller copyright issue.

You think that because Vincent Price is dead that there are no longer any recordings of his monologue from Thriller? And yes, I'm quite aware that I'd never be able to afford the rights to use Thriller. This script was written for fun and that song was a stylistic choice meant to enhance the Halloween atmosphere of the story. Most readers seem to enjoy it.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts House not lived in. Show don't tell.

Examples, please? What did I write that is wrong and how could I improve it?

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Do I really need to get past the nxt pages? I think not Chumbo.

A few notes as I go:

• Page 1. A ZOOM and a PUSH are different camera moves. A zoom moves the lenses, a push moves the whole camera.
  
• Page 2. Instead of (re: the house), in the previous action line I'd add "He looks at the house."
  
• Page 6. I find it strange that they're doing all this under moonlight. A house that dilapidated would be dangerous to walk around in at night. They should have flashlights. It would give you more options to have the light suddenly go out.
  
• Page 10. I don't really like the "What. The. Fuck." part. It's not needed since you set it up clearly the line before.
  
• Page 11. I feel like the chase scene went on just a few lines too long. Some of the lines could be truncated so it speeds up the tempo of the read as the tempo of the story speeds up.
  

Overall this was a clean read with minimal gripes.

I don't care about obtaining the rights to Vincent Price's voice or being able to use Thriller.
I'm here for the story, and while nothing groundbreaking happening... you delivered.

-Jordan

Thanks for the read, Jordan. Appreciate the notes and am super happy that you enjoyed the story. Anything, in particular, you'd like me to read in return? Or should I just pick from your signature?