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This seems familiar. Is this a shortened version of an OWC entry? The ghoul in the back seat rings bells, in a good way.
Anyway, I think you have a great premise here in the vein of Lights Out & Bedfellows. I'm a sucker for both sinister and jump scares so I think this'd be very effective at giving me the creeps when filmed, exactly as written.
Being picky I felt like it'd be great if somehow Gale got what she deserved. Maybe some quick back story, or some link to why her? Maybe she's just sloppy, left the car door unlocked? Yep, I get that might defeat the microshort angle...
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) Wait! First, give me something to wet Mark's appetite. Send me a selfie.
That line just seemed a bit deus ex machina. If it were Gale's suggestion it might seem a little less contrived? Especially if after her Friend mentions Mark's flirting with someone else? FYI: It's whet the appetite, just in case you want to know.
Did you go with voice only and not video call because of budget?
I'd give the Female Voice a name. Mark gets one so it seems odd imho that she doesn't.
I don't think you need 'It almost looks human.'
Driver's seat needs an apostrophe. Look at me... Look at me comes off as a demand, not a trailing off of words. I'd delete the ellipses if so, add a full stop or even exclamation point.
Croaky Voice should all be Dark Figure imh. That's just how the ghoul sounds, right?
If you wanted this even lower budget you could set it all in a basement garage and she could be trying to escape but smash into a wall at the end?
Do you really need the rather palatial two-storey home as setting? I get it sets mood.
Without hesitation, she slams on the gas and reverses out of the driveway, then throws the vehicle into gear and speeds away...neighborhood homes fly past in a blur. You're missing an on the road driving slug here, right?
All those are nitpicks. Just along the lines of budget, night-shoot logistics, and pedantic details on my part. Very enjoyable! I look forward to seeing it.
Oh, btw... Do you always include that particular communication detail on your title page? I usually advise against that. Up to you, of course, but I'd personally be afraid of ghouls coming out of the woidwork.
Thanks for giving this one a look. Appreciate all your notes and suggestions. They will definitely help me with the next draft. Anything I can look at in return?
"This seems familiar. Is this a shortened version of an OWC entry? The ghoul in the back seat rings bells, in a good way."
Nope. Something new from me. Been watching a bunch of horror shorts on youtube, looking for some inspiration.
"Anyway, I think you have a great premise here in the vein of Lights Out & Bedfellows. I'm a sucker for both sinister and jump scares so I think this'd be very effective at giving me the creeps when filmed, exactly as written."
Funnily enough, the original Lights Out short was one of my main inspirations for this. Wanted to write something that would be short, creepy, and easy to film. Very happy to hear that you think I'm on the right track.
"Being picky I felt like it'd be great if somehow Gale got what she deserved. Maybe some quick back story, or some link to why her? Maybe she's just sloppy, left the car door unlocked? Yep, I get that might defeat the microshort angle..."
I considered dropping to backstory in the dialog, but I decided it wasn't necessary for a micro-short like this. But, if I can find a way to drop in a hint as to why this is happening, I'll definitely do it. Any more suggestions?
"Without hesitation, she slams on the gas and reverses out of the driveway, then throws the vehicle into gear and speeds away...neighborhood homes fly past in a blur. You're missing an on the road driving slug here, right?"
Happy you brought this up, because I was confused as well. Do I add a slug, even though the entire sequence takes place inside the vehicle? I figured as long as the action is clear, then I'd be good.
Thanks again for reading, Libby. Always appreciate it.
An example of my writing...
FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
Yep, this is contained to the car, but reading it she does screech out of that driveway along the road for quite a bit, so that exterior location changes.
Any other suggestions? Yes, one that I thought might even add to the scare factor:
If your scary figure appears (after she looks in the backseat & he's vanished) in the passenger seat suddenly, which finally causes her to crash.
You'd get the classic relax, scare the hell out of, relax again cycle going if he appears in different parts/seats of the car - actually, even hanging upside down on the inside roof of the car would be scary as hell (with her driving along oblivious) if someone was nifty with effects. She could see the reflection in her rear vision mirror maybe, causing the final crash - or it leaps down on top of her.
Hey Zack - story-wise - I'd be tempted to keep the thing in the back seat - threw me when it was outside the car slapping the window.
There are several areas where you could be a bit more efficient.
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT
Stars dot the brilliant night sky. A bright full moon casts its light onto the well maintained two-story home below.
The ambiance here comes from the moon - not the stars - you don't need below - we know the house is below. And - you are adding details that aren't interesting or relevant - e.g., does it matter that the house is two-story??? Tell is instead if it is special (e.g., Victorian or something) or its value (e.g., modest) Just something like:-
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT
A full moon casts an eerie light over a modest home.
The front door opens and GALE, 24, a brunette bombshell with a perfect figure, rockin' a sexy mini-skirt and an equally revealing top, steps out.
We don't need to know the door opens or her hair color - just that she's dressed for a night out.
GALE (24), a perfect figure highlighted by a sexy mini-skirt and tight blouse exits the house.
She locks the door, then proceeds to walk along a stone-paved path, which leads to the --
None of this is needed - the type of path not relevant - locking the door not relevant - just take you above line and add the "heads to" - i.e.,
GALE (24), a perfect figure highlighted by a sexy mini-skirt and tight blouse exits the house and heads for the --
Gale pulls her door shut, inserts her car keys into the ignition, turns over the engine. The vehicle STARTS up.
Should simple be:
Gale starts the car.
You don't need a blow by blow on the process
Anyway - throughout - I thought you were overwriting the pedestrian stuff -
Nice little short you have here, Zack. I'm sure this will get snapped up quick.
One tiny, unimportant thing...
FADE IN and FADE OUT are transitions that have meaning not just something we start and end a script with. So if we cut to black in any way there is nothing left to fade out from. you cant fade from black to black. This is one of the only types of scripts I would personally end with THE END or END or even FADE TO CREDITS, at least then we are fading to something.
Really not a big deal if you keep it the way it is, just my pointless two cents
I predict this will be in the hands of a filmmaker in no time.