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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Lena
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  Author    Lena  (currently 166 views)
Don
Posted: November 26th, 2023, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lena by Jason K. Allen - Short, Horror - While backpacking alone in the wilderness, a young man encounters a mysterious girl who has a unique relationship with the forest. 11 pages

Production: One location, two characters.

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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D.A.Banaszak
Posted: November 27th, 2023, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was a pleasant read. The story was set up well. It pulled me in. It was clear as it formed a clear image in my mind as I read it. Lena remained a mystery the right amount of time. I knew her behavior was a little off, but I was left wondering why as the story continued. Was she an alien? A wood elf? A genie? Some kind of nature spirit?

Then came the twist and the answer was clear. Nicely done.

I was left horrified, heart broken and thoroughly entertained. I think this will make a nice short film.

          ...And I'm staying away from the woods.


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Busy Little Bee
Posted: December 22nd, 2023, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jason,

The logline was intriguing, but I was surprised that Lena was in her early 20s because the logline mentions a "girl," as does the last sentence before Lena's introduction, which threw me a little because when I read "girl," I think, kid, but that just might be me.

I found Lena's character interesting with her off-beat behavior. I did wonder if Lena's ultimate goal is to get Austin into the sinkhole; shouldn't she lure him toward it rather than him stumbling upon it?

The horror of getting dragged into a sinkhole is effective, but I did want to get a little more out of Austin's character. What's his relationship with the wilderness? Is it a place of escapism? Does he have any troubles back home? Is there a personal connection to this specific area?  

Congrats on knocking this one out!

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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LC
Posted: December 22nd, 2023, 3:24am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, nice overall, even if I could see it coming.

I too think you should call her a 'young woman', I was expecting a girl of younger age from your logline.

The only thing I would suggest is to amp up the Horror descriptions seeing as this is listed as such.
I would also use a word such as decaying, rotting or even decomposing, rather than deteriorating, and probably towards the end be more graphic with the descriptions of flesh peeling off her.


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