Nowheresville by Robert Glenn Newcomer - Short, Fantasy, Animated - The strange inhabitants of a forgotten town are suddenly thrust into a fight for their very survival. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Got all excited when I saw you had something new up. How many years has it been since your last one? Very cool!

I've read it, but have to cook and clean up, so I don't have time to type something up right now. Maybe later tonight.

One question I had after reading, though. Do the Caruso and Logan names have any specific meaning? Just curious because the script The Locker popped right up in my head when I read it. I have a memory like an elephant about some things. Either way, good to see you writing again.

Bert, this was a joy to read. I don't think I've read much of yours except Them That's Dead.

The truck rolls through a weathered gate, its rusted chain-
link all but collapsed, choked with pigweed and sandburs.

Descriptions like this really tickle my fancy. You have a way with the words alright!

Told from the POV of a mannequin family on the brink of disaster wrought by their very makers, of course. A kind of Pleasantville, Truman Show, TZ, Mannequin fantasy hybrid with an Oppenheimer theme. That was a mouthful.
Lovely, sad, dark, and allegorical all in one.

I kept looking for the inclusion of some famous names.

Anyway, thoroughly engrossing... And surprisingly sad too.

I hope you get someone with topnotch animation skills to film this and do it justice.

Hey Pia.  Not sure how many years it has been, but it has indeed been years.  Things felt rusty, and I even had to google questions about Final Draft...

There is no particular significance to the names, though our friend Matias would probably claim otherwise.  Kipple, however, is a character I've used before in other scripts.

Your Pet-Cam kitten is adorable, btw, but I do have to agree that the image is almost too good given the level of effort involved.

Quoted from LC I don't think I've read much of yours except Them That's Dead.

That might well be the last thing I submitted to these boards -- forever ago -- and thanks for taking a look at something new!

Bonus points for liking my descriptive passages as opposed to complaining about how wordy they are -- it usually runs about 50/50.

Quoted from LC ...with an Oppenheimer theme.

I've had this general idea for years, but yeah, it was Oppenheimer that gave me the final push to get it down on paper.  (Or electrons.  Whatever.)

Thanks again for giving it a look.  Truly.  After all this time I had forgotten how satisfying a bit of positive feedback can be.

Quoted from bert Hey Pia.  Not sure how many years it has been, but it has indeed been years.  Things felt rusty, and I even had to google questions about Final Draft...

Seems like I remember The Blob script and also one in Nola as well. Speaking of Them That's Dead, if you feel like writing the sequel, Them That's Undead I will film it at Fort Matanzas... and you'd be welcome to visit!

Quoted from bert There is no particular significance to the names, though our friend Matias would probably claim otherwise.  Kipple, however, is a character I've used before in other scripts.

I was just curious because he wrote a sci-fi thriller called The Locker and Logan was the main character. Good script too. About a supermax prison under water in the ocean.

Quoted from bert Your Pet-Cam kitten is adorable, btw, but I do have to agree that the image is almost too good given the level of effort involved.

Agree 100%. I was one of those who early on decided to totally reject AI, but I think the cat's out of the bag so to speak and there's no way we can put it back in. Might as well learn how to use it before we reach singularity...

About your script. Something creepy about the desert and atom bomb tests and such. From the Indiana Jones one, to Oppenheimer and even that other movie that came out this summer that I can't remember the name of right now. I liked how you used garbled and distorted dialogue only. Except for that one at the end. Funny and sad'ish to see Mom and Dad in bed with all their clothes on. That was funny while them eating nothing was kind of creepy. Also enjoyed the karma of the mannequin test people sending the bomb back. Sure would've liked to see what happened to that orange menace...

Anyway, good show! Keep writing. Especially about pirates. Dead or undead...  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Speaking of Them That's Dead, if you feel like writing the sequel, Them That's Undead I will film it at Fort Matanzas... and you'd be welcome to visit!

I have googled the location and will ponder a few things -- I will let you know if lightning strikes haha. Maybe make it easier on the crew with some daytime shots.

Quoted from Grandma Bear ...even that other movie that came out this summer that I can't remember the name of right now.

Asteroid City maybe?  I intentionally avoided that one while writing, but am interested to see it now. I like Wes Anderson, but at the same time, I totally get those who don't.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I liked how you used garbled and distorted dialogue only.

Originally, everybody talked, then it evolved into only the humans speaking, then into nobody speaking, but that made no sense. They had to interact somehow. The final idea came while trying to minimize the dialogue.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Sure would've liked to see what happened to that orange menace...

Ha! That was the very last thing I added -- just a late idea to amuse myself. Will be curious to see if anybody objects.

Thanks again for looking, Pia.

Quoted from bert I have googled the location and will ponder a few things -- I will let you know if lightning strikes haha. Maybe make it easier on the crew with some daytime shots.

I have learned a few things since the first one. If you do consider it, I still have the treasure and the chest and O'Shaye's skeleton. I don't mind getting a few more props. That's the kind os stuff I LOVE shopping for.

Ahoy Bert -- um, do not think I've ever read anything of yours. Very attractive logline and premise -luv it. Nice reversal of an iconic image. One thing caught me, no dialogue. Hmmm, well.. it's a tough line to toe but it works very well here. Also, the reader can see that you've visualized this and have watched it play out in your head, and the top-notch writing matches the visual rhythm. If that makes sense -- often I don't.

Indeed -- a very sad, compelling tale, but a very good one. Great job. Best of Irish luck! -Andrea

Thank you, G&GG, for your kind thoughts on this new one.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal ...um, do not think I've ever read anything of yours.

You probably aren't alone.  I haven't posted anything original in years, and it wouldn't surprise me if this were true of most of the active members today.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal ...the reader can see that you've visualized this and have watched it play out in your head

The decision to just lean into the idea of animation freed up a lot of scenes I was struggling to compose. I have never written an animated script, though, and wonder if there are any formatting conventions I've gotten wrong. (Would love to hear if I have, actually)

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Best of Irish luck! -Andrea

Andrea?  Oh, I much prefer that to G&GG haha.  Thanks!

This is the first time I read something of yours. Wow. I like your writing style. It’s so warm and colorful, it makes my writing seem like it doesn’t have a soul. I understand how someone can think that it’s a little wordy. I think it’s only too wordy for people who are in a hurry. It’s perfect for this story. In fact, it works rather magically.

You are able to breathe life into inanimate objects like mannequins.  You developed deep characters and established their demeanors without one word of dialog. That is not easy. I knew who the protagonists were. Without a discernible word, I knew who the antagonist was. I also liked the reference to the round, orange, VIP.

Without a single word of dialog, I was left heartbroken.

This story can be shown in any country without subtitles. The message is easy to understand and is universal.

Sometimes I come here to read a good story. Sometimes I come here to learn how to be a better writer.

Tonight, I did both.
Thank you.

Top writing and a thoroughly enjoyable read.

This is mostly prose and it doesn't matter one iota, because the artificial tension is still meaningful.

One nit pick:

"He pulls a walkie-talkie from his hip, keys the mike,"

Shouldn't this be mic - as in microphone?

Always a joy to read something different.

Thanks for sharing with us.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak ...it makes my writing seem like it doesn’t have a soul.

Stop that. Even the demented ravings of our most deranged members have soul. It's the very nature of writing.

I seem to recall your Halloween OWC script as one of my anonymous favorites. And there are plenty of readers out there that do not care much for my style at all.

It's all relative, in the end.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak Sometimes I come here to read a good story. Sometimes I come here to learn how to be a better writer.  Tonight, I did both.

Notwithstanding all of the above, this was a genuinely kind comment that left me smiling throughout the entire evening.  Thanks, D.A.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Shouldn't this be mic - as in microphone?

So, not sure of the answer, I gave this question a Google this morning -- and like pretty much everything these days, "mic or mike?" opens a stupid rabbit hole of different opinions with no definitive answer.

I kind of hate what the internet has become, tbh.

But I also think either mike or mic is ok.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Top writing…always a joy to read something different.

And always a joy to start the morning with a few charitable thoughts.  Thanks for looking, SonT!

Bert,

Great to see some work from you!

Wonderfully written. When I finish something like this and I'm jealous of how the writer strings together words and phrases... I know how good it is.

Very poignant story and ending. Very filmable.

And this is on me, not you - I did not realize the world you were trying to create was the days of testing nuclear weapons. A bit over my head. Perhaps because it's not in the forefront of the news nowadays. Maybe a Star Wars type of crawl at the beginning, or a narrator?

Again, really enjoyed it, and stellar writing.

AJR

Quoted from ajr Great to see some work from you!

I am enjoying it, too, actually.  After many years, it is fun to be playing with the ol' Final Draft again, even if it is a bit rusty now.

Quoted from ajr I did not realize the world you were trying to create was the days of testing nuclear weapons...maybe a Star Wars type of crawl at the beginning...

Yeah -- while this is meant to be modern day, the setting is an old, left-over "doom town" -- one of those sites in Nevada where they would build towns with furnished houses populated with mannequins just to blow everything up with their newest toys and see what happened.

Fascinating, eerie photos if you ever google it.

I think this historical aspect got a bit lost when the dialogue was tossed, and now I wonder how many may have missed that. The scrolling is not a bad idea, but maybe too direct.  I will have to ponder on it.

Thanks for your thoughts, AJR -- particularly on that latter stuff!