First off, thanks for the review.  I know asking for a review kind of puts people on the spot so I appreciate this and I'll be sure to keep a watch out for your script when it does get posted.

From what I can gather you felt that the basic framework was in place but that it dragged a little in spots.  I guess I'm still not quite there yet.  I'll definitely try to find ways to infuse a little more urgency into things.   It's good to see that the storyline is finally coherent though.  

To touch on some of your other points:

Quoted from Mr.Z The second act felt a bit thin. Once the main conflict is established and the protagonist’s goal defined, things should get worse for the hero and the conflict must escalate. If you got static conflict, your story looses momentum. Not long after the second act kicked in, Laura found an ally (Dr. Ellis) which made things better for her instead of escalating the conflict.

I've always felt this is where things really got interesting - at least to me anyway; new motivations are revealed.  The stranger stalking her is actually the father of one of the victims.  He has a plan to catch the killer but he needs her help.  Now new conflicts suddenly emerge - that's my take anyway.  Granted though, certain issues are resolved rather quickly in the process.  I'll think about this.

Quoted from Mr.Z And I should say that the killer made things easy for her as well (he left that room unlocked with chains on the floor, there’s also the feather, etc). I think Laura should find more opposition and less help during the second act, that way her goal will be more difficult to achieve and you’ll be able to put more conflict into the story. Make Peter smart and cunning, make him a bigger challenge for Laura and you’ll have a better story.

Good point.  This is a mystery so the killer isn't front and centre.  That being said,  one way to create more drama and conflict is to give the killer a more sinister presence.  I'll think about it.

Quoted from Mr.Z Your third act has all the basic third act-ish elements: the killer reveals himself, Julie appears, the heroine confronts the killer and he dies. I was kinda expecting an additional surprise (I was suspecting that both Steve and Peter were the killers) that never came. It would have been a nice reversal to have Laura confront Steve after thinking that -with Peter dead- it was all over.

Someone suggested this to me before so maybe there's something to it.  It is plausible that they could be league on this.  It is a unique spin as well to have two serial killers working together.  More food for thought.

Quoted from Mr.Z -P.11 Ha! Peter doesn’t waste much time haha!

Yeah.  I've known a few people like that.  They think a girl will just jump right into bed with them after talking with them for five minutes.  

Quoted from Mr.Z -P.43 “Laura finally stops struggling, sensing that maybe his intentions might not be sinister.” I don’t know if you intended this or not, but I figured this long before her, and that’s why her behavior towards Dr. Ellis was starting to annoy me. I think she should figure out earlier that this stranger had not sinister intentions towards her.

It was intended.  I had conceded that the audience would figure this out - that the strange man who was following them likely wasn't the real killer so I didn't build this up as some big reveal.  

This, I guess, goes back to what you said about the first act being a little too drawn out.  Perhaps he does stay in the shadows a little too long.  I'll definitely think about this and how I can make those two elements work together.


Thanks again.

Hi Mike,

Sorry about the delay, I wasnt sure if this is the latest draft or whatnot but I read it anyway.

Ok, the opening is well written with some good dialouge, well paced intro to the characters leading up to the pub scene where we meet Steve and his mate, Peter.
I like the way you have the Stranger introduced and simply watching from a corner in the pub. Builds him up as someone to be wary about.

I really like the setting. Especially when Laura and Julie feel they are lost , as if the feeling of being abandoned and hopeless is not enough there is the Stranger stalking them.   I hope this is built upon because you have a good basis already here.

Dialouge is good between Laura and Julie but I'm glad Laura decides to go back and catch up after the two split and its not a case of them both being lost and seperated.
Also at this point it gives some good character development - Laura seems more keen on being stable, following plans and not taking any chances whereas Julie is more carefree and assertive.  I think this was already seen briefly in the pub and beforehand but its a this stage it really seperates the two as individuals.

The revelation of who the Stranger is comes at a good time in the script and his motive works.

Everything is well written in the cottage scene with the Inspector and Laura but maybe she could be a little more concerned about Julie - or feeling a little bad that she did in fact leave her in the field. Its nothing big however just a thought, afterall you dont want to over do it and building Ellis is probably more important at this stage anyway.
Actually, the final shot of that scene does show Laura seems to be feeling afraid for her friend.

I like how Ellis has only one thing to live for moreorless and when he is helping Steve with the car, it was well written where I wasnt sure if Ellis was going to hit him with the tire iron. The killer's revelation wasnt completly surprising but there were a few times I suspected Ellis being on some mad twisted trip. The following scene I was just hoping Steve wouldnt bite the dust, likeable character.  So much for that!

The ending is the only thing I have a problem with in this script. Laura is innocent in all of this - she murdered the serial killer in self defence so why does she have to carry this burden of never telling the police? Surely they would piece it together that Julie was travelling or at least in the town with Laura and they would want to contact her, in fact he makes her look suspicious of murder if she just flees. It seemed like she was covering for Inspector Ellis killing Steve - as she said " an innocent man". Sure, Ellis has been through a lot and I guess this is part of the morale of the tale that revenge is not always sweet. But would she really let him get away with murder at the expense of her own lifetime of worry? Over a man she only recently met? I dont know, it just felt a bit of a let down as if you slipped it in or had made a radical change of ending. It felt rushed and out of mood with the rest of the story.

Apart from that, I have no complaints at all. The story was good, the pacing was even better. I never got bored or wanted to stop reading until it was over. Your writing is unique, and I enjoyed the way you described actions with alternative words. Some may say this goes against the grain but it makes for a more enjoyable read so I really lapped it up. I dont think you over did it, perhaps at times there were the odd moment you might overtell what the character is feeling  ( the Insepctor and Steve towards the ending ) but I dont see that as a negative thing.

The characters were detailed enough and believable. There was no need for any heavy backstory on this cast apart from Ellis and it helped make things flow that you never lingred too long on any one person. Dialouge was realistic and very well written.

The only other thing to add is that this was 60 pages ina doc. format. I dont know if this is your recent draft but I will a new one if you have it due. This was dated Feb 08 so I figure you havnt sent your new draft in yet or is this it?

So all in all, I really enjoyed it. Great setting, good cast of characters, simplistic idea but well executed! Very apt title too!

Good work, Mike, look forward to checking out some of your other work in the future.

Hi Malcolm.  Thanks for giving this a look.  Yeah, this is the older draft but that's okay.  Pretty much everything you read is in the new draft.  I just added some things to it.  The big thing now is that you see Julie get murdered.  You still don't know who did it but you see it happen.  It changes the dynamic of the story slightly - knowing what happened to her - but then I don't think what happened to her was a big shocker.  There's still a sense of mystery as to who did it.  As well Steve and Peter feature a little more prominently in the middle section of the script.

Quoted from Scoob I really like the setting. Especially when Laura and Julie feel they are lost , as if the feeling of being abandoned and hopeless is not enough there is the Stranger stalking them.   I hope this is built upon because you have a good basis already here.

I had Brit tell me that the Lake District gets swamped with tourists every year and doesn't convey the sense of isolation I have portrayed in this script.  Not sure if you've ever been there or know much about but hopefully it was believeable.  I'm from Canada so it's real easy to wander off and suddenly feel like your lost or in the middle of nowhere.

Quoted from Scoob The killer's revelation wasnt completly surprising but there were a few times I suspected Ellis being on some mad twisted trip. The following scene I was just hoping Steve wouldnt bite the dust, likeable character.  So much for that!

Yeah, I don't think it's a hugh revelation who the killer is.  There are only a few possible suspects.  I don't think the story entirely hinges on this fact so hopefully it still holds together.  

Quoted from Scoob The ending is the only thing I have a problem with in this script. Laura is innocent in all of this - she murdered the serial killer in self defence so why does she have to carry this burden of never telling the police? But would she really let him get away with murder at the expense of her own lifetime of worry? Over a man she only recently met? I dont know, it just felt a bit of a let down as if you slipped it in or had made a radical change of ending. It felt rushed and out of mood with the rest of the story.

That's interesting.  I'll have to think on this a bit more.  Basically all I wanted the ending to convey is that, despite getting this revenge, the inspector is still a shell of a man.  I think that final shot of him standing on the platform does convey this but you're right - there are quite a few loose ends that are still left dangling.  Laura was protecting him by not going to the police - that was the reason for her fleeing.  Maybe I need to convey this better or maybe I just need to scrap it all together.  Originally I had in a scene where Laura was being questioned by the police.  She had a chance to turn him in but faltered at the last moment.  Ultimately I think the reason I wanted the inspector to get away with it was so he would be forced to live with his own guilt but it opens up another can of worms in respect to the plausibility of Laura doing what she did - protecting him.  I think I just kinda figured that, despite not knowing him for very long, she felt a certain kinship or sympathy for his plight.  I'll think on this some more.  

Quoted from Scoob Apart from that, I have no complaints at all. The story was good, the pacing was even better. I never got bored or wanted to stop reading until it was over. The characters were detailed enough and believable. There was no need for any heavy backstory on this cast apart from Ellis and it helped make things flow that you never lingred too long on any one person. Dialouge was realistic and very well written.

Thanks, that's good to know.  I was a little worried about this script, particularly the pacing.  This is such a character-driven story that I thought it might be too slow or deliberately paced.  I also wrote this as something that could be made on the cheap, without alot of special effects or big action sequences.

I'm also glad the dialogue worked for you.  Writing for young women can be challenging.


-Mike

Hi Mike,

Quoted Text I just added some things to it.  The big thing now is that you see Julie get murdered.  You still don't know who did it but you see it happen.  It changes the dynamic of the story slightly - knowing what happened to her - but then I don't think what happened to her was a big shocker.

  

I'll be sure to check it out when you post it up. It will be interesting as it does change the dynamic quite a bit if we see Julie being murdered earlier on - I dont know when you plan to show this in the new draft.
It was more then likely that Julie had been killed off but having not shown it in the draft I read, you always had the possibility that she might still be alive and Laura and Ellis might still save her in the nick of time - I think that created more of a thrill and the need for urgency to the whole thing. I actually liked the fact we never knew until the ending what happened to her, it helped round things off.

Quoted Text I had Brit tell me that the Lake District gets swamped with tourists every year and doesn't convey the sense of isolation I have portrayed in this script.  Not sure if you've ever been there or know much about but hopefully it was believeable.  I'm from Canada so it's real easy to wander off and suddenly feel like your lost or in the middle of nowhere.

I've never been to the Lake District myself but the people I have talked to have said it's a lot more modern then I would have expected myself. However, I dont think you have to just locate this in that area. There are loads of old fashioned small towns with vast countrysides that are easy to get lost in or feel like you've gone back in time. I think you portrayed that really well and thats what I was visualizing.

Quoted Text Yeah, I don't think it's a hugh revelation who the killer is.  There are only a few possible suspects.  I don't think the story entirely hinges on this fact so hopefully it still holds together.

It definitly works fine, I think the combination of Laura and Ellis meeting up, working together and the need to find Julie all kept things on a knife edge.

The ending, I can see what you were getting at and it does work. I like the idea that Ellis was now probably even more broken by the ending. The idea you had of Laura being interviewed by the police and then not naming Ellis would have worked better for me personally. Then perhaps have him at the train station. I dont know, it is a tough one.
The idea works more from Ellis point of view at the moment and I did have a little sympathy for him, but that went up in smoke after he done in Steve.  Laura's ending seems incomplete as we have been following her from the start and it ends with her still in a dilema, perhaps even worse then she was in at the start.

Quoted Text This is such a character-driven story that I thought it might be too slow or deliberately paced.  I also wrote this as something that could be made on the cheap, without alot of special effects or big action sequences.

It works fine, I enjoyed the pacing and it suited the location.  I could definitly see it being made without the need for a load of cash.

Quoted Text I'm also glad the dialogue worked for you.  Writing for young women can be challenging.

The dialouge worked fine and I think you handled all the characters with relative ease. It never came across false or forced.


Malc

Quoted from Scoob It will be interesting as it does change the dynamic quite a bit if we see Julie being murdered earlier on - I dont know when you plan to show this in the new draft. It was more then likely that Julie had been killed off but having not shown it in the draft I read, you always had the possibility that she might still be alive and Laura and Ellis might still save her in the nick of time - I think that created more of a thrill and the need for urgency to the whole thing. I actually liked the fact we never knew until the ending what happened to her, it helped round things off.

You know, the way I described it to you, it does seem wrong.  There could be an easy remedy for this though - if I just rework the scene to make it a little more ambiguous as to what actually happens to her.

If you do check it out I'll be interested to see what you think.  I think I was just so concerned about adding as much extra 'stuff' into the story as I could.

Quoted from Scoob The ending, I can see what you were getting at and it does work. I like the idea that Ellis was now probably even more broken by the ending. The idea you had of Laura being interviewed by the police and then not naming Ellis would have worked better for me personally. Then perhaps have him at the train station. I dont know, it is a tough one. The idea works more from Ellis point of view at the moment and I did have a little sympathy for him, but that went up in smoke after he done in Steve.  Laura's ending seems incomplete as we have been following her from the start and it ends with her still in a dilema, perhaps even worse then she was in at the start.

Yeah, I might have to revisit this.  The way I had it was like this:  

Laura tells the two investigating officers that Peter attacked her and the conclusion is made that he was the killer they've been after all along.  They ask her about Steve but she claims to know nothing about it.  The officers are left to surmise that perhaps Steve had gotten wise to the situation and needed to be silenced.  

It just felt like a little too much exposition so I cut it out.  I'll consider adding it back in.

Thanks again for this.

-Mike

Hey Mike,

Whatever happened to the production of this script?

Gabe

It reached a bad end unfortunately Gabe but these things happen so I've moved on.  I'm told you're not a screenwriter unless this happens to you a few times.

This is the second time I've read your script. I can see where you made your changes and they fit very well without detracting from what you originally had. I've written just one script, The Ragman, based on the DC comic character, so I'm sure I have tons of mistakes in mine. But what I liked most about your script was the easy flow. It read fast. From the start, I was intrigued. I wanted to see what was going to happen to the young ladies.
The only problem I had with the script was when the one friend discovered the body of the other. I feel there should have been a more detailed description of her reaction. But that's just me. As for putting camera directions into your script, you only put them in if it's absolutely necessary. I have a problem with that to.
All in all, I think it's a good script. I enjoyed reading it.

Jerry

Hi Jerry.  Thanks for checking it out.

Quoted from screenplay_novice This is the second time I've read your script. I can see where you made your changes and they fit very well without detracting from what you originally had.

I hadn't realized you checked it out earlier.  It's good to get a perspective from someone who's seen it in its earlier stages.  This particular script has been slowly evolving for some time now.  I believe this is the fifth draft - not sure if that's a record or not - but I'm starting to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, at least I hope.

Quoted from screenplay_novice But what I liked most about your script was the easy flow. It read fast. From the start, I was intrigued. I wanted to see what was going to happen to the young ladies.

That's good to hear.  I was always a little worried people might find it slow moving or get impatient with its slow-build.  It's something I've been cognicent of and have strived to fix.  Some of the earlier drafts in particular may have been guilty of this.

Quoted from screenplay_novice The only problem I had with the script was when the one friend discovered the body of the other. I feel there should have been a more detailed description of her reaction. But that's just me.

I hadn't thought of that.  In my mind I envisioned her breaking down in quite a dramatic fashion but as it's written, you might be right.  I may have glossed over that a bit too quickly.

Quoted from screenplay_novice As for putting camera directions into your script, you only put them in if it's absolutely necessary. I have a problem with that too.

I think we all do from time to time.  I did add the occasional 'insert' heading like with the newspaper clipping and the inspector's badge.  I know it's wrong but sometimes it just reads better that way and I like to have my scripts flow, even if I break the odd rule.  Hopefully I stayed pretty close to proper format though.



Thanks for checking it out a second time.  I'll check out your Ragman script and hopefully have a review up fairly soon.

-Mike