SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 26th, 2022, 5:41am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Memwipe - 7WC Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Memwipe - 7WC  (currently 9007 views)
Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 13th, 2010, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.66
First off congratulations on completing this in seven weeks.
That's quite an accomplishment and you should be proud.

I didn't really get into the story, but I had little problem reading the entire script.
For me, its very derivative of Minority Report.
The agency in the public eye under heavy scrutiny from outside groups.
The leader creating a cover up, his "star pupil" going rogue.
The estranged wife and dead kid driving our protagonist, etc. It's a lot of stuff.
The ethical debate of memwipes versus the pre crime prosecutions, etc.

I won't go into the technical aspects of your script, that has been covered by others.
The characters move well enough to keep the plot going but that's about it.
I don't get a sense of any depth to these people, is that because of wipes?
Another funny old lady in a script, I wish more of them wound up in theaters.  
I stopped reading when Kevin did not connect the hit and run to his kid?
Really? He would not thikn of his own child at all? Or make a connection there?
Honestly, I find the rich kid hit and run stuff very distracting.
One hit and run in a script is enough for me.
I'm much more interested if Kevin is solving the mystery of his son's death.
Who care about rich jerks and their sports cars?
A man piecing together memory threads over the mysterious death of his son....
...that's a script I'll gladly read! Its much more personal and motivations are clear.

Thanks for posting this and good luck with all your writing!
I look forward to reading more of your work, congrats again on your accomplishment.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 45 - 80
RayW
Posted: September 13th, 2010, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1823
Posts Per Day
0.43
Howdy, Herman

Sorry for the late reply.
No worries.
We all got stuff to do.

I guess it really comes out of the blue that Lambert gave a present to Michael. You think Lambert is Grace's father, whereas Brian thinks Lambert here should be Kevin.
If it's a typo then Brian's correct and it should read Kevin gives his son a present.
If you typed what you meant than the relationship between a child and his father's employer needs to be developed.

Funny how after several reviewers, you're the first person who mentioned about Diane. And I liked your reaction to her character.
First, I see that I made a definite typo.
That shoulda read "GD, Diane! Whattab!tch you are!" for stabbing the poor Grace in the neck.
Second, and much more importantly, I feel that these reviews (which I've since learned should be more accurately described as critiques, which is what I was professionally taught to provide in a related field a hundred years ago) should cite both positive as well as negative aspects of a given piece or subject at hand.
Since you effectively demonstrated that Diane is NOT the caring person she purports to be I thought it appropriate to give credit where credit is due.
That's how I roll.
Deal.


You wanna explain your reasoning? I wanted here because I need Grace to believe Kevin just a little bit so she'll go home with him, and let the audience know that Kevin's goal is to look for Pearson.
Sure.
The sequence begins PDF pg 33
K - They're not following
G - I need to get out
K pulls over, G gets out, K puts his hand on her shoulder, G pulls back, K backs off, G stomps away (kinda crazy, but she's brain fried)
K - where you going?
G - somewhere safe?
K - where's that?
G - I dunno
K - we're going home
He grabs her, she resists
G - I don't know you
K - Say my name. What's my name?
G - I dunno
K curses
K - Look. It’s a very long story. I’ll
explain everything to you later.
But what we need to do right now,
is to find out why those people
want you dead. Pearson Hamilton,
does that ring a bell?
G - Why can't we goto the po-po?
K - 'cuz wheze B da bada$$es
G goes "Whut?" in the face
K - whut we do ain't 100% koo.
G - well... what do you do?
blah blah blah, on with the sequence.

So, in the middle of this otherwise fine and legit conversation between a desperate husband and his divorced, brain fried wife is a six line vomit including A: "But what we need to do right now, is to find out why those people want you dead." and B "Pearson Hamilton, does that ring a bell?"
A - No. What you need to do is to get your a$$es off the streets and hide from the MemWipe mafia ASAeffinP!
B - Don't lay that sh!t on her RIGHT NOW! Good Lord! That can wait. Get ya'll's a$$ out of public view!


Pg 35 Wasn't much of a MemWipe pursuit in the SUV.
What do you mean?
Begin sequence at pg 31
Kevin quickly grabs a pen from the table and twirls behind Lambert. He digs the pen into his neck.
He digs the pen a little deeper. Lambert grimaces.
Kevin has Lambert in a chokehold as they trudge towards the main door.
Kevin whispers into Lambert’s ears "Please let me go."
And pushes Lambert into the crowd. He grabs Grace’s hand and dashes out the building.
Lambert takes out a small device with blinking lights. A tracking device.
Kevin slams on the gas, spins the wheel, and honk the horn to avoid traffic. He glances at the rear mirror.
Blah blah blah
[Kevin] gazes at a distance behind her. A Memwipe SUV drives by.
He drags her back to his car.
Funny quip exchange.
End of sequence
Next sequence: INT. KEVIN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Not much of a pursuit.
Kevin's a real dope for thinking that was all they were going to chase him for.
WE all know Lambert bugged Grace and that they can just chill, but Special K don't know that.

What do you mean by "it's....off"? Mary has been mentioned quite a few times before her actual appearance, so I didn't get the lack of suggestive setup either. Please clarify.
I just looked back over the PDF and I didn't see Mary/Grace's Mom mentioned at all.
However, screwit. Leave it as is. It's fine. I dunno WTH I was thinking. Seriously. I don't.
Well.... no... sh!t. I don't know what I want to do.
Maybe include "Since my place is blown we can try a friends place. Someone I know would like to see you.".
Eh... ? I dunno.

Again, how is Lambert delusional here? Please explain.
He speaks as if he has a fine, well oiled machine running at MemWipe.
Pfft! Krazee old man.
Police are nosing around.
Pearson d@mn near date raped Diane on a job.
Sleeping security guards at the 5 story data bank.
You have some rook kid in orientation frying people.
An employee just ran off with his toasted wife out of your facility.
Your private security people couldn't catch them - twice.
Rob... really isn't on payroll, but he's in your office dissin you left and right.
BUT - he want's to maintain the following delusion:
LAMBERT
Do you know why Memwipe is so
successful?... It’s our people. They all know
what they’re doing
. Their positions
within the company. And most of
all, they know what they should
do
...and what they shouldn’t do.

The h3ll they do.
Lambert's operation is chock full of half-wits, and he's the half-iest of the lot.
But don't get me wrong: keep him as is.
He reminds me of the CEO in Robocop; completely delusional towards problems with the company and immediate situation.

I guess what you're saying is that Mary is not properly setup to be so "hip and cool" that she'd be saying that piece of dialogue.
Correct.
Just a brief prior reference to Mom's pot usage oughtta do.
K passes to G an ashtray of roaches from the kitchen table to set supper.
K - how're the cataracts, Mary?
M - they hurt, but the doctor has me on this new medicine...
K and G smile at one another.

Some dumb sh!t passage as that.
(BTW, people use pot for glaucoma pain management. Not cataracts. Kevin is f#ckin' with Mary but she doesn't realize it.)

What happens is the car hit the girl while the car tries to stop. So the girl is in front of the car. I think I should've written it clearer. Maybe "A GIRL lies inches in front of the red Ferrari"?
Having been hit by a car myself and having seen the aftermath of more than plenty pedestrian vs. vehicle incidents - people, especially kids, don't fall over. They go airborne. Like... and easy twenty to fifty feet, flying Walinda terminating in a road rash rag doll roll if they're lucky (ungodly pumpkin smash, if not).
Girl was a sad, bloody, grassy mash in the culvert.

But I'll have to find out why making him a senator would eliminate the police element. You mean the police won't investigate senators? Or senators have the power to evade police investigation?
Heavens, no. Senators and Representatives are investigated like anyone else. However, because they are ELECTED officials public opinion determines if they have a paycheck coming next electoral season.
Making him a Senator does not eliminate police work from a H&R.
However, there isn't much police work if he was caught doing something that was politically embarrassing or scandalous but not really illegal.
However, later I see that there's really a memory cover-up of Michael being killed in the H&R, so you need to stick with that. But the situation still could benefit from some re-work.

If you wanna stay in the private sector, have the Senator's son hit the child while conducting illegal activities for the father, say stealing computers from the campaign offices of his opponent or running drugs to finance his re-election campaign.

If you want to make this a covert governmental operation, have the child be a fatality from a chemical spill accident during the transportation of illegal substances. Senator has his finger in many dirty pies.

And what do you mean by "a social indiscretion of a severe magnitude affecting Mortimer's business or political interests"?
If it becomes publicly known that the Senator is up to his eyeballs in nefarious shenanigans he will not be re-elected - and he will lose money.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 46 - 80
Grandma Bear
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7481
Posts Per Day
1.47
Herman,

I haven't read the other comments, but it looks to be a lot of it. I saw Jeff had commented so I'm going to assume that he pointed out typos, grammar errors and occasional wrong word usage. There were quite a lot of those, even for someone like me suffers from the same problem.  DINNING ROOM!  

Anyway, this will be pretty short. Not because I don't want to try to help, but rather because I thought you did a fantastic job with this one for a first draft. I still have 2 of the 7WC scripts to read and they could be amazing, but so far this script is the best one. The plot is solid. Some minor changes are needed, but...  You should be able to fix this one up real nicely.

Your action writing was pretty good. Not fantastic, but very good.

The beginning left me a little confused. Not because of the action, but I wasn't sure who was going to be our "hero". At first I thought it was Pearson, but that changed quickly in the alley as I instantly hated him when he was going to rape Diane. I didn't really like her game either there, so it left me a bit unattached.

One thing that didn't ring true to me is that if Kevin and Grace are married. Kevin should be the one to decide what is best for Grace. Not some corporation. If they are already divorced, then some other family member like parents or sibling make that decision.

I think there also need to be a better explanation what exactly they hope the procedure will do for Grace. I learn that in the end, but for that to work early on in the script we need to get a decent explanation. Right now it doesn't make sense at all. She just woke up. Shouldn't they be happy about that instead of trying to fry her brain again? That's how it comes across now. At least to me.

pg  31. Grace has just woke up, but somehow she knows enough to run behind Kevin and that she's in danger. After an experience like that, I think I would be very confused and not trust anyone.

Lambert says let them go, but immediately thereafter they are in hot pursuit of them? Doesn't make sense.

Also think it was extremely stupid of them to run back to their house. Seems to me that would be the first place they would look for them.

pg  38. Grace remembers his name, but neither one of them seem to even notice. I thought that would be a big deal.

pg  39. Grace asks why they can't take the car? The had just seen the flat tires...
The add at the subway station reminded me too much of Total Recall.

pg  58. IMHO, Rob needs to say who they are and what authority they come from. No one will let in people that can't identify themselves. Especially when they come to search for weed.

All the videos seem to be from a third person's perspective. In your own memories you can't see yourself unless you're looking in a mirror.

pg  71. Why is she wearing a wedding ring and why is she putting it back on? Are they married or not? If they had already divorced I don't see why she would wear one at all. Maybe that's just me.

What's with all the text messages and the phone not saying who it's from?

pg  88. Why wouldn't they let him get in to the archives and grab him there instead of going through the whole action stuff on the outside of the building. Especially the game with the lights. They have the capability to lock the building down. Let him in and then lock it. Makes more sense.

pg  92. Why is Guy typing on the computer while a guy is taking a leak next to him? I mean, he must have known he was out there...  and why is Rob in there doing that anyway? I thought he was trying to catch Kevin. Not many people will stop and go to the bathroom while their hot on someone's heels.

pg 107. Corpse like features?  Ugh... that doesn't really work for me.

In regards to those people in the freezers, you need to have a really good explanation to why they are there. That made absolutely no sense to me. I can believe these people occasionally kill people whether by mistake or not, but why hang on to them. Why not trying to get rid of them. That part didn't work for me.

Kevin is sort of the nice guy here until we find out that he's in on this too. They just swipe his memory every now and then too. That was disappointing to learn for me as I felt he's not at his core as nice as I thought and Mary had told us.

Grace was okay I suppose.

Lambert didn't really fit the description of him. I think he was older, gray hair glasses and a tweed suit. His office also gave the wrong impression to me. MemWipe is a very high tech company in steel and glass and such. They way you described Lambert and his office sounded more like an old professor or an old Brittish guy.  I think he would be more menacing if he was as slick as the rest of the company.

Excellent work!  You should be very proud!  


.
SS, is still free...
Logged
Private Message Reply: 47 - 80
Coding Herman
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
456
Posts Per Day
0.10

Quoted from RayW
Pg 81
He pulls out blank papers and a device with blinking lights.
Ah! That's the tracer.
Somewhere in the near future and they're using cartoony blinking light tracers?!
Make it a funny looking metal poker chip thingie.


True. I didn't have much time to research on what future tracers would look like. I just looked at some websites that feature pretty amateur security stuff. That's why I wrote it in the present days. I'll see what I can do with the technologies.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 83 I think Kevin just had a brain fart since he deliberately left the Diane's blinking tracer thingie in the envelope at the restaurant not fifteen minutes earlier. Now he's hiding with her at Vickie's while she peddles a key card stating she couldn't get the disks when she just said that they were in the envelope.


What I wanted to show is that Kevin sensed Diane has a change of heart. Back in the diner, Kevin told Diane that she can go back. And now Diane said she's sorry, it's all Lambert's fault, so Kevin might think Diane is actually helping him.

Maybe that didn't come across too clearly?


Quoted from RayW
Pg 85 The key card has a blinking light in/on it? I understand the need for the audience to "know" how they are being tracked. Since this is near-future have them being tracked by cell phone GPSs or something.


Again, it's that future technology thing. But will it feel weird if I decided to take place during present times?


Quoted from RayW
Pg 88
LAMBERT
Old and cheap, eh?

GUY
At six months old it's practically a dinosaur.

Guy chuckles, nervously now.
This is a great place for Lambert to almost catch Guy.
Keeps the suspense running.
Keep thinking about how to re-work this sequence, though.
Currently, most phones are programmable for different ringtones for different callers.
Maybe the rude old boss wants to call his young whipper-snapper nube employee, gets a different ringtone than he just heard, dismisses him.
Stupid, old geezer.
Whatever you think of this is a good place for it, though.


I need to rework the entire sequence. As Michael had mentioned, I do agree it's a bit clumsy and almost to the point of comedic. But to answer your question, Lambert just wanna see if Guy has the ringtone that he just heard.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 89
INT. MEMWIPE - WASHROOM STALL - NIGHT
Guy sits on a toilet seat with a laptop. He’s also wearing a
bluetooth earpiece.
GUY
Yeah, man. It’s suicidal going in
from the front.

Maybe this is supposed to be a nice-to-see, surprise reveal sort of thing, if so there needs only a sliver of set up beforehand.
Maybe back at the pg 79 brief meeting Guy can pass Kevin a business card or a receipt with a 1800 number that's really Guy's business phone.


Hmm.....I'm just trusting the audience to connect the dots together. 'Cause having Kevin passing a business card to Guy doesn't sound right. I doubt Kevin has a business card on him at the time. BUT Guy messaged Kevin all the time, so they both can communicate with each other already, right?


Quoted from RayW
Pg 90
The grappling hook flies in through the opened window on the
top floor. It catches and secures onto the wall.

Having tried to toss a baseball duct-taped to a cord over the limb of a tree to pull it over years ago, I hafta be impressed with Kevin's prowess with a grappling hook and a five story building. Gotta love that movie magic!


Yup!


Quoted from RayW
Pg 91/92 Need to figure a way to show Guy magically tapping into Memwipes security system.


I probably have to set Guy up as a nosy tech-savvy guy instead of an idiot.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 93
In the mirror, he spots a pair of feet behind a closed
stall. He thinks nothing of it and keeps washing.

Guy is a dumb cop for not picking up his feet when Rob entered.
Rob's a dumb dummy, too. This time at night there ought to be no one else there.


Rob thinks Guy and everyone else should be roaming around, searching for Kevin. And Guy doesn't realize it's Guy who came in.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 94
He lifts up the toilet tank.
Commercial toilets have no tanks. Building code regulations.
Figure another work-around like... Guy has it tucked up under his jacket between his shoulders.
Since this is the near future, you can do the plastic keyboard and monitor bit.
It's rolled up and tucked in his sock.
Rob didn't hear clicking but does see Guy's feet underneath the stall door.
And that's a pretty neat magic trick to get out the bathroom door without being heard.
Maybe make it one of those baffled entries w/o a door.
Even still, surely Rob would have darted out the entry/door and been onto Guy in the hall.


I liked the rolled-up keyboard and monitor idea. Sounds cool. But I didn't get the part with Rob's entry without a door. Can you explain that part again? Thanks.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 96
Confused, shocked, and stunned. His knees weaken and slowly
drop to the floor. He stares idly at the display, ignoring
the approaching footsteps.

Mister bad a$$ can climb five stories up a glass tower but flips out over his dirty company scamming his own memories.
C'mon, Kev! Wise up! LOL!


Kevin never thought his memory was erased as well. Actually, no one knows their own memories were erased because it's standard procedure to erase the memory of having the procedure. Kevin didn't think he has anything in his memory to be erased.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 100
Lambert, with a syringe in hand, comes from behind and jabs
Grace in the neck. Her body goes limped in seconds.

If you wanted to be a really sick man, you could write Diane as Lambert's daughter.


I liked the suggestion! But Diane already has a motivation. What I'm thinking is actually have Rob be Lambert's son.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 101
Kevin turns towards the sound and sees Rob. Kevin quickly
presses the disk eject button a few times. Nothing comes out.

A: Kev shoulda pressed the button the moment he saw his disk slot. B: You need to insert disk eject


Kevin was too shocked to do anything when he sees his name. And good catch on the "disk eject" bit.


Quoted from RayW
Page 105 It seems James has kinda been on the fence all this while. Now all of a sudden he's biased toward the good guys? Need some more prior wiffle-waffle on James.


Completely agreed. At first I planned to have Guy in there, but since he's busted, I need another character to do the job. Since I introduced James in the beginning, so I might use him here. And of course, this unplanned plot point shows. It does feel coming out of the blue. I need to rework James.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 108
Kevin ignores Guy and goes straight to the third one. It’s
Pearson. Kevin opens the freezer door and Pearson slumps
onto him.

If Pearson is slumping it's more of a refrigerator than a freezer. Otherwise - TIMBER!
And... why are they saving dead people in their covert, subterranean meat lockers?


Another thing I need to explain in the re-writes.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 48 - 80
Coding Herman
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
456
Posts Per Day
0.10

Quoted from RayW
Super fantastic.
You did a wonderful job, Herman.
Lovely interweaving of core characters and story structure.


Glad you liked it. I need all of the compliments I need for this one. This is my first feature-length script, BTW.


Quoted from RayW
There are several movies this premise and story's pace remind me of.
Total Recall - For obvious reasons. It is about putting in false memories.
Paycheck - Here, it's direct memory erasure.
Deja Vu - Deals with "Near Future Tech", much along the lines of Memwipe. Additionally there's a lot of running around and trying to figure out where all the bad guys are.
Enemy of the State & Eagle Eye - More "Near Future Tech" future mostly centering on 1984 Big Brother invasion of privacy. Also a lot of running around.
eXistenZ - More integration of scifi "Near Future Tech" amongst a current setting along with a mystery to figure out.


I'm surprised you can list so many similar movies. I guess I'll need another spin in my script to make it fresh.


Quoted from RayW
Where to go from here?
Alternative #1 - Cleanup what you have, tweak as you go.
Of the above movies, Total Recall I'd favor simply because it follows a decent three act structure: They're on Earth, They goto Mars, They find Quato/the alien oxygen thing/kill the bad guys. Love it.
The other movies had a bunch of running around A to Z.
That didn't do much for me.
MemWipe, as is, has much of the same feel.

Question: Can you, if even interested in breaking away from the "running around" model, figure out a stronger A=>B=>C story without absolutely reinventing the story's current mood?


Actually, I planned MemWipe to have a Three Act Structure as well. Maybe it wasn't that obvious.

Act I - setup in the company to Kevin and Grace escaped
Act II - trying to make sense what's going on
Act III - go back to MemWipe to steal the memory disc

I might need to tweak some parts so that it feels less like just running around.


Quoted from RayW
The two simplest, broad-scoped, clean-up suggestions I'd modify:
A - Make MemWipe a investigatory government program, ala Project Treadstone from the Bourne series, the "Snow White" machine in Deja Vu, or the whole military lab thing in The Hulk.
Blame it on the government. Makes great scapegoat.
Government buffoons are a natural, favorite audience hate target.
Everybody wants to see their fellow man "stick it to The Man"!

B - Keep local police out of the situation by making Mortimer a corrupt and dirty Senator both in control of the project's funding and in need of its services due to his own indiscretions.


That is a good suggestion. I did actually think about having a government agency that does memory erasure for the "greater good". But I scraped it because it makes things too complicated, too political. And I'm not too familiar with politics. Plus, same as you, I only had 4 weeks to write. So I might come back to this idea. Thanks.


Quoted from RayW
Something I'd like to see you include in a clean-up re-write, is to create a WHOLE world of "near tech" and integrate that into the story.
The hardest part is that it can't be so wacky the audience balks at it.
Not every field of science progresses at the same rate, in other words.
MemWipe has memory erasure but no other "near tech".
Makes it kinda funny.


Again, it's another time constrain thing. I didn't really have much time to think about all the gadgets. I'll consider them.


Thanks so much for the advice, Ray! I really appreciate them. Hopefully you'll stick around long enough to read my re-writes!


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 49 - 80
Coding Herman
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
456
Posts Per Day
0.10

Quoted from RayW
I kept running the events of the story back and forth and finally figured out the ABC transitions:
ACT I : Setting and escape
ACT II : Meet Mom and snooping/data gathering
ACT III :  Diner set-up and entry into company


You got Act I and Act II correct. The midpoint is when Kevin meets Pearson. But Act III, I think, starts when Kevin infiltrates the company. Another interpretation is when Kevin got captured, but then it's too late into the script. So I'm not too sure either.


Quoted from RayW
I don't know how much responsibility it is for the writer or director to make those transition points become apparent.


I think the point is we DON'T want to make them become apparent to the audience. The Three Act Structure is supposed to blend in with the story. The structure becomes invisible when you enjoy the film.


Quoted from RayW
I think the escape from the MemWipe facility to the park and then into Mom's home went too smooth for me and so I didn't catch it.


I'm not too sure if that's a good or bad thing. But how can the escape from MemWipe be smooth? It's a perfect example of how the story turns into a different direction.


Quoted from RayW
And I think somehow Kevin needs more "No! No! No! I can't go back there! I can't go back there!...  SH!T!!!... I gotta go back there!" before or during the meet with Diane at the diner.


I agreed with you. But maybe not during the meeting with Diane, but rather with Grace either at Mary's home or in the motel. I need more internal struggle for him.

Thanks again.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 50 - 80
Dreamscale
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11431
Posts Per Day
2.21
Hey Herman, sorry for the long lapse in between reviews.  Listen, I got up to page 65, and I’m afraid I’m going to stop there.  Here’s the deal…

First off, it appears that most writers in here don’t like my review style, don’t agree with me on both simple and complex script issues, and basically don’t want to hear what I have to say (I’m not lumping you into that group BTW).  Therefore, I’m going to step back from all this and try my best to simply comment on story and the like.

This story isn’t working for me.  Through 65 pages, I don’t know what’s going on, what’s supposed to be going on, or why.  None of the scenes seem remotely realistic.  None of the action seems real.  None of the characters have my attention.  The plot seems very much like a number of movies I’ve seen.

What finally killed the read for me was the last scene I read, at Mary’s house.  Everything about it, and I mean everything, came across as completely unrealistic, juvenile, and poorly put together.  I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel here.

Again, we’ve got Rob and Guy parading around like some sort of cops, acting like complete buffoons.  Searching for marijuana?  HUH?  The way they search the place is right out of a Keystone Cops scenario.  I just couldn’t buy into any of it, and for me, it spelled the end.

So, in a nutshell, I think you need to do a number of things with this script to get it to the point where it’s readable.  First, you need to figure out who each character is, and write them so that they come off as believable and realistic.  Next, you need to figure out exactly what Memwipe is, what it does, why it does what it does, and how it operates, then you need to get that across to your readers.  Finally, you need to figure out exactly what your story is and put it together so that it all makes sense right from the get go.

Herman, if there’s 1 thing I can stress to you, it’s that everything I’ve said about your script in all the posts I’ve written, is that my only goal was to help you as a writer.  That’s it.  It doesn’t make me feel good to bash scripts in any way.  Hopefully, you’ll buy into some of the things I’ve brought up, and hopefully, everything makes sense, whether or not you agree with it.

You’ve gotten a lot of great, positive feedback from others, so maybe I’ve just completely lost it and no longer know what makes a script good or not so good.  Who knows anymore?

I apologize for not finishing.  In no way does that mean your script is so bad I couldn’t get through it, cause that’s not the case at all.  I just don’t really care to continue and I feel spending the time that I do with reviewing, isn’t worth it at this point.

So, keep at it, clean this baby up, and bet of luck with it and all your future writing.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 51 - 80
seamus19382
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
241
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Herman!  Congratulations on finishing this in seven weeks.  That's awesome.

So here's the deal.  I think you have a bit of a problem in that it's like a couple of other movies.  Having said that,  I liked this one.  A lot.  I agree with Pia that this is one of the best 7wc.  I don't agree with her why though!

This was(for the most part)  really well plotted and put together.   I think there's a mention of Kevin and Grace's child early on.  I would hold off on revealing that until the scene with Mary.  Let us wonder what it is she's trying to forget.  

I'm not sure I buy them erasing Kevins memory.  He's still doing the same thing, so why erase the memory that he's done it before?  Or am I missing something here?  Oh, does Kevin help cover up the hit and run of his son, and that's what they're erasing?

Also, does David hit two kids?  And is that really necessary?  Isn't hitting Kevin's kid enough?  

And the ending is WAAAAAAYYYYYY too long.  It just keeps going and going and going.

Again, I am really impressed with this, and especially that it was done in 7 weeks.  Where it falls flat for me is the actaul writing.    Again, I realize there wasn't a lot of time for editing, but your descriptions and dialogue really felt flat and cumbersome for me.

You need to work on making it leaner and more economical.  In your action sequences in particular.   The scenes in the subway, and the last scene are where it shows the most.  They're long, and somewhat confusing.

But this is really good.  You're not far off from a top notch thriller.  Good work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 52 - 80
Coding Herman
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
456
Posts Per Day
0.10
Wow, lots to response. Thanks everyone for the review.

First up, Electric Dreamer, welcome to the board!


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I didn't really get into the story, but I had little problem reading the entire script.
For me, its very derivative of Minority Report.
The agency in the public eye under heavy scrutiny from outside groups.
The leader creating a cover up, his "star pupil" going rogue.
The estranged wife and dead kid driving our protagonist, etc. It's a lot of stuff.
The ethical debate of memwipes versus the pre crime prosecutions, etc.


I agreed. There are many similar plot points between the two. I already have an idea of how to go about my rewrite in a different direction. Hopefully it will not be similar to another movie!


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
The characters move well enough to keep the plot going but that's about it.
I don't get a sense of any depth to these people, is that because of wipes?
Another funny old lady in a script, I wish more of them wound up in theaters.


Characters is definitely something I need to work on. The opening scene is just a prime example of how to get the readers not to like my characters. I also need to have my characters, especially Kevin and Grace, to interact more with the "outside" world to create more depth.

Glad you liked the old lady. Seems like Mary is getting more attention than my main characters. I'll definitely keep Mary.  


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I stopped reading when Kevin did not connect the hit and run to his kid?
Really? He would not thikn of his own child at all? Or make a connection there?
Honestly, I find the rich kid hit and run stuff very distracting.
One hit and run in a script is enough for me.


I was actually worried that it was too coincidental that David did two hit-and-run, and one of them is Kevin's child. So I'll change that, and it's not gonna be a hit-and-run.

But I don't understand why Kevin should connect David's hit-and-run to his kid. Is not like any car accident should be related to his kid, right?


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I'm much more interested if Kevin is solving the mystery of his son's death.
Who care about rich jerks and their sports cars?
A man piecing together memory threads over the mysterious death of his son....
...that's a script I'll gladly read! Its much more personal and motivations are clear.


That's a good idea, too. But if a man loses his memory, wouldn't he be more worried about who he is than his son's death? Unless he remembered everything up to the point of his son's death. Hmm.....sounds like Memento now.

The idea is good, but that'd alter the core idea of my story.

Thanks again for the comments. They helped.

If you have anything you want me to read, just holler out.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.

Revision History (1 edits)
Coding Herman  -  September 15th, 2010, 10:19pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 53 - 80
Coding Herman
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
456
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey there, Ray. Thanks again for replying my questions.


Quoted from RayW
You wanna explain your reasoning? I wanted here because I need Grace to believe Kevin just a little bit so she'll go home with him, and let the audience know that Kevin's goal is to look for Pearson.

In the middle of this conversation between a desperate husband and his divorced, brain fried wife is a six line vomit including A: "But what we need to do right now, is to find out why those people want you dead." and B "Pearson Hamilton, does that ring a bell?"
A - No. What you need to do is to get your a$$es off the streets and hide from the MemWipe mafia ASAeffinP!
B - Don't lay that sh!t on her RIGHT NOW! Good Lord! That can wait. Get ya'll's a$$ out of public view!


Ahhh.......I get what you mean now. So it feels out of place and awkward for Kevin to blunt out that exposition passage while they're being chased.

BUT I agreed with your point A, Kevin doesn't know he's being chased yet. He just wanted Grace to listen to him.

However, your point B is valid. Kevin shouldn't dump all this info at her at the time.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 35 Wasn't much of a MemWipe pursuit in the SUV.
What do you mean?

Kevin's a real dope for thinking that was all they were going to chase him for.
WE all know Lambert bugged Grace and that they can just chill, but Special K don't know that.


I get what you mean now. It wasn't meant to be a pursuit, but I did think of a pursuit happening on the street which I put it near the end of Act II.

I guess I'm making Kevin pretty dumb, eh? Thinking that Lambert really let him go. I was pegging on the long relationship between Kevin and Lambert, and Kevin thinks Lambert would sympathize with him.


Quoted from RayW
Again, how is Lambert delusional here? Please explain.
He speaks as if he has a fine, well oiled machine running at MemWipe.
Police are nosing around. Pearson d@mn near date raped Diane on a job. Sleeping security guards at the 5 story data bank. You have some rook kid in orientation frying people. An employee just ran off with his toasted wife out of your facility. Your private security people couldn't catch them - twice. Rob... really isn't on payroll, but he's in your office dissin you left and right.
BUT - he want's to maintain the following delusion:
LAMBERT
Do you know why Memwipe is so
successful?... It’s our people. They all know
what they’re doing
. Their positions
within the company. And most of
all, they know what they should
do
...and what they shouldn’t do.

The h3ll they do.
Lambert's operation is chock full of half-wits, and he's the half-iest of the lot.
But don't get me wrong: keep him as is.
He reminds me of the CEO in Robocop; completely delusional towards problems with the company and immediate situation.


LOL. You pointed out exactly why I need to rework the structure of this company, AND why I need to make Lambert more badass.

Don't you feel it's better if Lambert is more menacing than delusional? If he's delusional, then the tension and the stake won't be as high. Right?


Quoted from RayW
I guess what you're saying is that Mary is not properly setup to be so "hip and cool" that she'd be saying that piece of dialogue.
Correct.
Just a brief prior reference to Mom's pot usage oughtta do.
K passes to G an ashtray of roaches from the kitchen table to set supper.
K - how're the cataracts, Mary?
M - they hurt, but the doctor has me on this new medicine...
K and G smile at one another.

Some dumb sh!t passage as that.
(BTW, people use pot for glaucoma pain management. Not cataracts. Kevin is f#ckin' with Mary but she doesn't realize it.)


I'm starting to like your suggestions more and more. Cool shit.


Quoted from RayW
What happens is the car hit the girl while the car tries to stop. So the girl is in front of the car. I think I should've written it clearer. Maybe "A GIRL lies inches in front of the red Ferrari"?
Having been hit by a car myself and having seen the aftermath of more than plenty pedestrian vs. vehicle incidents - people, especially kids, don't fall over. They go airborne. Like... and easy twenty to fifty feet, flying Walinda terminating in a road rash rag doll roll if they're lucky (ungodly pumpkin smash, if not).
Girl was a sad, bloody, grassy mash in the culvert.


Holy, hope you're okay now, Ray. But yes, I agreed with you on this one.


Quoted from RayW
But I'll have to find out why making him a senator would eliminate the police element. You mean the police won't investigate senators? Or senators have the power to evade police investigation?
If you wanna stay in the private sector, have the Senator's son hit the child while conducting illegal activities for the father, say stealing computers from the campaign offices of his opponent or running drugs to finance his re-election campaign.

If you want to make this a covert governmental operation, have the child be a fatality from a chemical spill accident during the transportation of illegal substances. Senator has his finger in many dirty pies.


I loved the political angle. You're full of good suggestions, Ray!


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 54 - 80
RayW
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1823
Posts Per Day
0.43
Holy, hope you're okay now, Ray.
Yep.
But it does explain some of my drain bamage.

HA!



Logged
Private Message Reply: 55 - 80
Coding Herman
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
456
Posts Per Day
0.10
Ha, funny guy.

I'm going to read Lapse now.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 56 - 80
RayW
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1823
Posts Per Day
0.43
Oh gawd.

I'm going to bed.
I can't watch.

Headzup: Use a crib sheet to keep up with characters.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 57 - 80
Craiger6
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
241
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Herman,

I’ll preface my comments by saying that I congratulate you, and all of the other 7WC participants for completing your features in such a short amount of time.  As someone who has been trying to “stretch his sea legs” from shorts to features, I’m actually quite impressed at what you have put together here.

I’ve only commented on short scripts up until now, so this has been a learning experience for me as well, and I hope that my comments are helpful.  

I haven’t read through all of your reviews yet, so I apologize if I’m being redundant.  I’ve taken page by page notes on things that popped out at me.  A lot of them have to do with typos and the like.  Given that you were under time constraints, I think it’s quite understandable.  I only point them out so that you will have a head’s start when you start re-writing.

At the end of the page by page notes, are some pros and cons, and brief wrap up.  I hope this helps in some way, because I enjoyed this and given the deadline, I think it is something that you should definitely re-visit.  Also, the length of my comments should in no way be interpreted as a negative reflection of my enjoyment of this piece.

P. 1:

“KEVIN (O.S.)
I’d go easy on that.”


Ha.  Nice irony here.  I actually didn’t catch it the first time, but you’ve got a memory erasing specialist telling some dude at a bar to go easy on the drinks!

I’m a few pages in and you introduce Diane as a bombshell.  I just went back to check the opening description you gave to Pearson to see if he was a really handsome guy, and you describe him as “tired around the eyes”.  I only mention it because I’m immediately suspicious of Diane.  I could see her possibly being so forward with Pearson if he looks like he has money, and/or looks like George Clooney, but as you described him, and coming on the heels of Kevin’s appearance, I’m a bit suspicious.  There is nothing wrong with that, just curious if this was on purpose.  

P. 5:

You seem to have capitalized “taser” throughout.  Curious if this is an oversight, or you had something else in mind.  I could see you capitalizing if it was a specific product you had in mind, but I think the term “taser” is ubiquitous enough that you wouldn’t have to cap.  

P. 6:

“He helps Diane up, takes off his suit for her.”

S/B jacket I think.  Or maybe suit jacket at the least.

P. 7

“An ultra-cyber building in stainless steel color, cold and uninviting.”

Not a big deal since I think I get what you are going for, but I don’t necessarily get the “ultra-cyber” description.  I think the stainless steel, cold and inviting description does the job though.

P. 8

“Memory Visualizer”

I think I’d just CAP the whole thing.

P. 9

“She’s not the prettiest woman, but nevertheless, a lovely lady.”

Ever since I began writing, and reading other scripts, I always notice that we tend to make everyone handsome, or incredibly good looking.  Like aren’t there any normal looking people in movies.  Haha.  Anyway, I get, and applaud what you are after here, but I think it reads a bit awkward.  Just a little revision needed IMO.

P. 12

“People are snooping around, digging stuffs up that aren’t even real.”

S/B “stuff” not “stuffs”.

P. 23

“Behind the glass pane, Diane watches disapprovingly.”

Between this and her assault of Kevin on the previous page, all I can say is, PSYCHO.

P. 29

“He ignores Lambert’s plead from behind.”

S/B “plea”.

P. 30

“Kevin quickly grabs a pen from the table and twirls behind Lambert. He digs the pen into his neck.”

Hmmm, I’d kind of like to see him make use of something more forceful than a pen here.  You mentioned that there were guards.  Maybe they have guns on them and he wrestles one away.  A bit clichéd, but I think it’s more forceful than a pen.  I think I might go with something like that here.  Just a thought.

P. 34

“GRACE
Are you a trustworthy criminal?”


I liked this line.  Nice.  (IN RE: my comments about Grace at the end, this is what we need more from out of her.  Lines like this that highlight her personality)

P. 40

“Why would anyone wanna that?”

S/B – “Why would anyone WANT that?”

P. 41

“KEVIN (V.O.)
How frustrated it is that someone took your seat.”


S/B “frustrating”.

P 41 – Flashback Sequence

I’m not sure that I got the gist of what it is that you were shooting for here.  Was this when Grace and Kevin first met?  Is he trying to refresh her erased memory by bringing her to the scene of where they first met?

If so, I think you may need to make this a little clearer.  Also, you might want to use this scene at a different point in the screenplay considering they are now on the lam and being followed.

P. 44

“Suddenly, he catches a glimpse of Rob through the back door.  Rob’s scrambling through the aisle in the next car.”

Ha, what is this guy the Terminator.  Well, you’ve been pushing the envelope for the last 20 pages or so.  The action has been pretty good, keep it up.

P. 44

Oh, okay, I see what you were getting at with the whole pen thing and the seat on the train.  Still a little confused as to why Kevin would share that bit of info with Grace though.  I’m sure it will come around though.  Back to reading.

P. 45

“He spins around, push people away, and runs after them.”

S/B “PUSHES people away…”

P. 49

“We’re successful is because of our clean operations.”

Strike the “is”.  “We’re successful because of…”
















Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 58 - 80
Craiger6
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
241
Posts Per Day
0.05
(Continued)

P. 52

“It...just happened. Like any other couples.”

S/B “COUPLE”.

P. 52

“Kevin inserts a memory disc into the projector. He wears it and turns it on.”

In re: the memory projector, you’ve repeatedly mentioned that they wear it around their necks.  Just curious as to why?  Can they just place it on a counter or something, or does it have to be worn around the neck.  Just wondering why it is necessary to operate in this way.  If it’s something specific to the device, I think I am missing it.

P. 58

“MARY
Nonsense. The only place you’ll find marijuana is inside my body.”


Ha.

P. 63

“I bet she paid for all of these.”

S/B all of “THIS”.

P. 64

“He can hear heavy breathing. And that’s not his own.”

This reads awkward.  I’d revise.

P. 65

“He walks away, leaving Mary confused.”

I’m also confused because on P. 64, before being interrupted by Rob, you write the following about Guy:

“As he turns away, he notices a pair of feet hidden behind the clothing.”

Perhaps you meant to say that he sees a pair of shoes.  If he saw feet, then even Rob’s distraction would not stop him from throwing the clothes aside.  That said, Guy has been kind of an Eff Up thus far, but that would be a really bonehead move.  Too bonehead IMO.

P. 66

“David quickly gets back into his car and guns the engine. As he speeds away, he finally notices Pearson watching him from down the street.”

So if Kevin watched the disc of Pearson’s memory the night before as you wrote, wouldn’t this have stuck out to him as being significant?  Again, I may be confused about what the device does when being worn; otherwise, it would seem that Kevin should have picked up on this the night before.

P. 67

“We’re doing everything we could.”

S/B “…everything we CAN.”

P. 68

“If you still couldn’t sort out this mess, you’re going to jail with my son.”

S/B “If you still CAN’T…”

P. 68

“INT. MARY’S HOUSE - DINNING ROOM – NIGHT”

Wouldn’t it make sense for Kevin and Grace to move on?  They know Memwipe is already wise to Mary’s place.

P. 70

“I finally understand why we were divorced.”

So, considering that Grace just found out that she had a son that her husband attempted to erase from her memory, notwithstanding his good intentions, I was willing to roll with this line.

But, then on P. 71, you write:

“Grace gets off the swing and runs towards the sidewalk. She picks up her wedding ring.”

I don’t know, it seems like Grace is acting terribly juvenile.  Almost like she is regressing (the swing), or has suffered some sort of brain damage as a result of the procedure.  I’m not sure if this is intentional or not, but if the procedure has had no affect on her mental state, I think you need to work on developing Grace’s character a bit.  As currently constituted, she’s just kind of a victim who throws tantrums.  I’d like to see her get more involved with her own recovery.  Anyway, that’s just my take on her at this point.  I’ll keep an open mind as I continue.

P. 77

You reveal Guy as the person who has been texting Kevin the whole time.  I’ll admit that I was surprised at this.  I had been thinking that James was the one who was helping Kevin along the way.  

P. 78

“They all shake their head.”

S/B “shake their HEADS.”

P. 80

“He stops before two MOVERS who are transporting a long sofa out of a furniture store, blocking his way.”

Hmmm, a little clichéd.  Ithink you’ve done a very good job thus far being creative with your action scenes.  I’d like to see you come up with something different here.

P. 81

“Kevin’s caught dead center of an incoming car.”

S/B “ONCOMING car”.

P. 84

“...without noticing a blinking light suddenly flashes.”

Act III begins.  I don’t think you missed your mark by much, but in a re-write, with some cuts, you can probably move this up a few pages.

P. 86

“You saw anyone pass by?”

S/B “You SEE…”

P. 86

“You looking for me?”

A couple of things jump out for me with this line, and the one that follows.  I think you might be better served with “Are you looking for me?”  Otherwise, it kind of makes Lambert seem unprofessional, or jocular.  I think that is fine if you’ve set the character up in that way, but as is, he’s the head of the company.  This line just reminds me of something that Tony Soprano might utter, not necessarily a CEO.  That said, if you’ve envisioned Lambert as a rags to riches kind of guy (and I think that might be something you might explore as to take some suspicion off of him, that’s fine) but you need to set him up as such.

My other issue with this exchange is that Guy is a newbie with the company, right?  Why would Lambert even really be interacting with a guy who has just been hired recently?

P. 86

“Doesn’t really worth a look.”

S/B “I’SNT worth…”

P. 89

“How’d you gonna get in?”

S/B “HOW’RE…”

P. 90

“Where’s he?”

S/B “Where is he?”

P. 91

“But stumbles against a pedestal that holds a statuette.”

I think I might be envisioning this place differently, as I don’t see why they would have statuettes.  As I envisioned it from reading, I thought it was more like a modern warehouse where they kept computer software.  Not a big deal, I may have just missed the mark on the interpretation.

P. 92

“Wiping sweats off his forehead…”

S/B “Wiping SWEAT…”

P. 95

I’ve been very impressed with your action scenes throughout.  They can probably be tightened up a bit, but I’ve enjoyed the way you’ve upped the ante in each instance.  Just like in the movies!  Nice job.

P. 102

“You still haven’t gotten Pearson.”

Maybe, “You still don’t have Pearson.”?

P. 103

“No one responses.”

S/B “No one RESPONDS.”

P. 103

“I always thought Michael was just unlucky. Wrong place at the wrong time.”

I think I would go with something more terse here considering he is surrounded by a bunch of hostile people.  Maybe he’s just choking him and screaming.  Might be hard to get all of that out in this instance.

P. 109

“Lies!”

I dunno, this line doesn’t work for me.  After all this guy has done to him, I’d just like for him to come with something else.

P. 110

Nice page.


PROS:

“The feeling of knowing something’s happened to you, but not remembering anything about it. It’s worse than knowing the truth.”

This quote from the script appears to be the major theme of the story, and I think that it is a very interesting concept.  On more than one occasion while reading, various things that have happened to me popped into my head and I found myself going back and forth on this whole idea.  In the end, I think I would agree with the quote above.  

If I recall, this line was towards the backend of your script.  For what it is worth, I think I would try and move it up somewhere earlier in the script.

Action Scenes

I thought your action scenes were terrific, particularly your first one.  In fact, as I said earlier, this is where the script really took off for me.  As I also noted within the page by page notes, I think you have a nice knack for upping the ante just when the reader thinks all is well.  As someone who struggles with that same thing, I’m envious.

CONS:

We never see Memwipe take it too the next level.  Meaning, I got the impression that they were this evil corporation, but they never actually went that extra mile to protect themselves.  Okay, so they abduct Pearson in the first scene, but I think you need to put in a murder early on, probably by Rob, that shows us that they mean business, and aren’t to be trifled with.  

Kevin/Grace relationship

I’m not sure I would out and out, qualify this as a “Con”, but I do think that you need to re-visit the relationship in your re-write.  As I mentioned in the page by page notes, at times I was indifferent to Grace’s plight because she was acting like a child.  

Granted, she’s been through a lot, but I think you need to make her a more dynamic character in your re-write.  As currently constituted, she comes off as a character that is simply reacting to her surroundings.  Make her more pro-active.

Names

So, I tend to have a problem with choosing names for characters as well.  I guess it doesn’t matter much, but the names you chose for you characters seemed kind of pedestrian for me (no offense to anyone named Rob or Kevin, but they didn’t necessarily work for me in this instance).  We have Kevin, Rob, and James in the first few pages.  In fact, I found it a bit distracting when you had Kevin and James talking to each other.  It may just be me, but I kept thinking of the King of Queens.  Not sure if you are using FD, but if so, they have a name database.

At the outset, I need more background on the conflict between Rob and Kevin.  I glean that they are probably competitors at work, but their also seems to be something more personal going on, but I don’t think that it ever really shows up.

Well, as I said in the beginning, I thought this was a terrific effort, and you should be very proud of your accomplishment.  I really enjoyed the story, and think that you should definitely not give up on this one.  I hope that some of this can be a help to you.

CR


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 59 - 80
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006