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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Memwipe - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    Memwipe - 7WC  (currently 9008 views)
Coding Herman
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia, thanks for reviewing my script. I was anticipating it, actually.  


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I thought you did a fantastic job with this one for a first draft. I still have 2 of the 7WC scripts to read and they could be amazing, but so far this script is the best one. The plot is solid. Some minor changes are needed, but...  You should be able to fix this one up real nicely.


You just made my day, Pia. I had a very opened mind when I submitted it because, afterall, this is my first attempt at a feature-length script. If it sucks really bad, it's okay. At least I'll get to know what I need to do next. But I don't mind if this is actually enjoyable for the readers either.    


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Your action writing was pretty good. Not fantastic, but very good.


Again, I was really worried about my action writing because when I wrote it, it was very clear to me, but that doesn't mean it'll be clear for others. So this is quite a relief.

Some descriptions need tightening and rewording. I'll need to read more action scripts to see how they're done.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
The beginning left me a little confused. Not because of the action, but I wasn't sure who was going to be our "hero". At first I thought it was Pearson, but that changed quickly in the alley as I instantly hated him when he was going to rape Diane. I didn't really like her game either there, so it left me a bit unattached.


I hear you. The dreaded opening sequence without a likable character. Several reviewers had said the same thing.

In the rewrite, I'll open it with Kevin during the better days before the Pearson abduction. I hope that way it'll clear the issues of protagonist confusion.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
One thing that didn't ring true to me is that if Kevin and Grace are married. Kevin should be the one to decide what is best for Grace. Not some corporation. If they are already divorced, then some other family member like parents or sibling make that decision.


I agreed with you to a certain degree. It's weird that Lambert allow a veggie Grace staying inside his company, but then that way he can keep an eye on her if she wakes up.

I guess I can say that Lambert convinces Mary and Kevin that keeping Grace inside the company is the best.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I think there also need to be a better explanation what exactly they hope the procedure will do for Grace. I learn that in the end, but for that to work early on in the script we need to get a decent explanation. Right now it doesn't make sense at all. She just woke up. Shouldn't they be happy about that instead of trying to fry her brain again? That's how it comes across now. At least to me.


Agreed. Maybe that's why Jeff gave up on reading.

I need to find some way, maybe a red herring, to give Rob the motivation to fry Grace's brain. I don't want to reveal the true nature of the procedure until near the end of Act II. I want to reveal it around the same time as Kevin discovers it.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Lambert says let them go, but immediately thereafter they are in hot pursuit of them? Doesn't make sense.


It wasn't that clear here. Lambert didn't want his people to chase him on the city streets. Instead, Lambert wants to know where Kevin will be hiding and secretly get him there. That's why he shows Rob the tracking device right after.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Also think it was extremely stupid of them to run back to their house. Seems to me that would be the first place they would look for them.


I might need to rework this. But the reason is Kevin needs to know how Grace is connected to Pearson, so they go home and search for Pearson's memory disc, plus picking up the memory projector.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
pg  38. Grace remembers his name, but neither one of them seem to even notice. I thought that would be a big deal.


That's a mistake on my part. Grace shouldn't remembered his name yet. I'll just replace it with a "Hey!" instead. Thanks for the catch.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
pg  39. Grace asks why they can't take the car? The had just seen the flat tires...
The add at the subway station reminded me too much of Total Recall.


Arrgghh. It's the SUV Grace was talking about. I'll need to change that. Jeff was also confused about it.

I better watch Total Recall now as reviewers have been mentioning about that movie. Need to find some fresh situations.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
pg  58. IMHO, Rob needs to say who they are and what authority they come from. No one will let in people that can't identify themselves. Especially when they come to search for weed.


True. But I assume the audience will guess it's the police Rob is forging. Maybe I'll have Rob flash his badge and show Mary a fake search warrant or something?


Quoted from Grandma Bear
All the videos seem to be from a third person's perspective. In your own memories you can't see yourself unless you're looking in a mirror.


Another reviewer had mentioned the same thing. I was actually deciding between first and third person when I wrote it. But then I thought, memory is different from a video in which you're the person holding the camera. In a memory, you can visualize yourself in that scene, it's just how you would remember the scene would unfold.

I settled on third person's perspective because it might be clearer to the readers as to what's going on, and it's easier to write.

I'm still not sure what to do with it. Hmm......


Quoted from Grandma Bear
pg  71. Why is she wearing a wedding ring and why is she putting it back on? Are they married or not? If they had already divorced I don't see why she would wear one at all. Maybe that's just me.


You're right! I haven't thought about it. Maybe I should just take out that part as a whole. Another reviewer said Grace's "throwing ring" action seems juvenile.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
What's with all the text messages and the phone not saying who it's from?


An anonymous caller.  


Quoted from Grandma Bear
pg  88. Why wouldn't they let him get in to the archives and grab him there instead of going through the whole action stuff on the outside of the building. Especially the game with the lights. They have the capability to lock the building down. Let him in and then lock it. Makes more sense.


True. I should tighten up that section and cut out the game with the spotlights.

My reasoning is that Lambert tries to lure Kevin into the building and capture him there, but then that fails because Kevin spotted him. Kevin doesn't know Lambert is setting him up. So Lambert make things easier for Kevin (cutting out the lights) to let him in.

But I guess you're right. Once Kevin is inside Memwipe parameter, Lambert should lock down the building and capture him right there.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
pg  92. Why is Guy typing on the computer while a guy is taking a leak next to him? I mean, he must have known he was out there...  and why is Rob in there doing that anyway? I thought he was trying to catch Kevin. Not many people will stop and go to the bathroom while their hot on someone's heels.


Darnit. I'm making Guy stupider by the minute. He didn't realize it was Rob in the washroom. But I guess a smart person would be on high alert even if the person taking a leak isn't Rob.

Rob isn't catching Kevin at the time. He was taken out of this operation, remember? What he did instead was bringing Pearson in and he has to take a leak.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
pg 107. Corpse like features?  Ugh... that doesn't really work for me.


What do you mean? Maybe I should describe the features like pale face and lips instead of just "corpse-like"? Or you just don't buy living people with corpse like features?


Quoted from Grandma Bear
In regards to those people in the freezers, you need to have a really good explanation to why they are there. That made absolutely no sense to me. I can believe these people occasionally kill people whether by mistake or not, but why hang on to them. Why not trying to get rid of them. That part didn't work for me.


True. But I was thinking, dumping the bodies anywhere would be discovered sooner or later. So why not keep them right underneath your office so you'll know no one will ever find out?

The more I thought about it, the above reasoning might not be substantial enough. I'll think of something to explain the body storage.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Kevin is sort of the nice guy here until we find out that he's in on this too. They just swipe his memory every now and then too. That was disappointing to learn for me as I felt he's not at his core as nice as I thought and Mary had told us.


I was actually hoping for a revelation rather than a disappointing moment. Ouch. I want to make Kevin finally realizes what he did before and regret about it. This leads to his final decision to just forget about what he has done, or to live with it.

How about this? Kevin was forced to take part in the memory erasure, so maybe the audience might sympathize with him?


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Lambert didn't really fit the description of him. I think he was older, gray hair glasses and a tweed suit. His office also gave the wrong impression to me. MemWipe is a very high tech company in steel and glass. The way you described Lambert and his office sounded more like an old professor or an old Brittish guy.  I think he would be more menacing if he was as slick as the rest of the company.


Agreed. I don't know why I envisioned him as an old professor like guy. Maybe it's the stereotype we label to old people? Making Lambert a slick and tech-savvy person would be interesting to see.


Again, thanks so much for the review. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff, thanks for revisiting my script.


Quoted from Dreamscale
First off, it appears that most writers in here don’t like my review style, don’t agree with me on both simple and complex script issues, and basically don’t want to hear what I have to say (I’m not lumping you into that group BTW).  Therefore, I’m going to step back from all this and try my best to simply comment on story and the like.


All types of comments are welcomed. I accept both praise and harsh criticism.

Your review style is quite unique, full of energy and emotions. Although I don't know what your voice is like, I can actually hear the words coming out of your mouth and envision your facial expression while I was reading the reviews.

They're fun to read.....when you're not the victim. Haha.


Quoted from Dreamscale
This story isn’t working for me.  Through 65 pages, I don’t know what’s going on, what’s supposed to be going on, or why.  None of the scenes seem remotely realistic.  None of the action seems real.  None of the characters have my attention.  The plot seems very much like a number of movies I’ve seen.


I really need to get the requisite info out in my Act I, and especially during my opening sequence. What I had done is that I dropped my readers right in the middle of action (the Pearson abduction), without giving too much background information about the what's and the why's. I didn't fully explain what Memwipe usually does either. Maybe that causes the confusion?

All of this will come together at the end of Act II. But of course, I can't expect a reader to go through the script when I couldn't hold their interest in Act I.

About the issue of things being unrealistic. I guess we have different standards. I agree with you that Guy working on the panel before orientation is unrealistic. I also agree with you that Rob hunting down Kevin is also unrealistic. I'll need to show Rob's motivation in the re-writes. But the conversation between Kevin and Lambert at his office sounds realistic to me.

I think it's amazing how different people within similar geographical area and culture (you in the States, I in Canada) can have different viewpoints on human behaviors.


Quoted from Dreamscale
What finally killed the read for me was the last scene I read, at Mary’s house.  Everything about it, and I mean everything, came across as completely unrealistic, juvenile, and poorly put together.  I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel here.


You mean when Rob didn't search the master bedroom and when Guy didn't rat out Grace in the walk-in closet? I agreed with you. I'll need to rework that entire sequence because I didn't like it either. As they say, the first scene that comes in mind is always a bad one.

But what do you mean by "juvenile"?


Quoted from Dreamscale
So, in a nutshell, I think you need to do a number of things with this script to get it to the point where it’s readable.  First, you need to figure out who each character is, and write them so that they come off as believable and realistic.  Next, you need to figure out exactly what Memwipe is, what it does, why it does what it does, and how it operates, then you need to get that across to your readers.  Finally, you need to figure out exactly what your story is and put it together so that it all makes sense right from the get go.


I actually wrote backstory and biographies for each character, how Lambert found Memwipe, what the company does and how it became what it is. I think what I failed at is the execution and the presentation.

I was afraid to reveal too much to the readers in the beginning so that when it comes to the end, there's nothing to reveal. Maybe that hints there isn't enough revelations in my story? Or maybe I bunched up all the reveals at the end?

I think I have an idea of what to reveal in the setup now. What Memwipe is and why it does what it does are the two main points I need to get across to the readers.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Herman, if there’s 1 thing I can stress to you, it’s that everything I’ve said about your script in all the posts I’ve written, is that my only goal was to help you as a writer.  That’s it.  It doesn’t make me feel good to bash scripts in any way.  Hopefully, you’ll buy into some of the things I’ve brought up, and hopefully, everything makes sense, whether or not you agree with it.


There are certain things that I don't agree with, but hey, no hard feelings at all. Actually, it's the other way around. I really appreciate your input. Especially for newbies like me.


Quoted from Dreamscale
You’ve gotten a lot of great, positive feedback from others, so maybe I’ve just completely lost it and no longer know what makes a script good or not so good.  Who knows anymore?


Well, as William Goldman said, "Nobody knows anything." Even the worst movie of all-time get praise from some moviegoers. They're all just opinions. You just couldn't get into my story at all (and you're not the only one), and that's okay.

But what's important is what I do with those different opinions. I'm sure I'll keep some  to the heart, while for some others, I'll just scratch them out.


Quoted from Dreamscale
I apologize for not finishing.  In no way does that mean your script is so bad I couldn’t get through it, cause that’s not the case at all.  I just don’t really care to continue and I feel spending the time that I do with reviewing, isn’t worth it at this point.


Not a problem. Not able to finish a script tells me as much as finishing it.


Anyway, thanks again for reading. I'll get to Unforgettable as soon as possible.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Herman, I want to respond to your question about what I mean by "juvenile".

Basically, I mean that it doesn't make sense.  It doesn't come off as realistic or believable.

The Juvenile reference means something along the lines of someone making up a story about something they have no concept of, like a kid telling his parents an obvious fib about how something got broken, for instance.  You know, you hear it, and you just sit back and say, "Uh huh.  I see.  Oooookay.  Riiiiight, got it."

And in no way am I putting you down with this.  It's just how I felt reading the majority of the script.  A good example is that last scene I read.  To me, it's just downright goofy that Rob, Guy, and the Troop would appear at Mary's house, and say they were there to check for marijuana.  It's also really ridiculous that Mary would say, OK, c'mon in.  And then, Rob (I think it was him, at least) decides not to even search the final room, based on Mary eyeing a different room.  It's just comical in some ways, and very juvenile to me.

Herman, just for the record, I'm a perfectionist.  Always have been, always will be.  It's a curse I live with in every facet of my life.  I can't help seeing flaws in things...they just jump out at me, and I feel like I should bring them up.  It happens all the time, in every movie I watch, in every thing I do.

I wish to God I wasn't like this, but there's nothing I can do.  I can't tell someone something's good or great unless I believe it truly is.  Obviously, some things are more important than others.  You can get away with some obvious flaws in logic, etc, or just assume it's the old "movie magic" as Ray likes to say.  It's a problem for me, though.  I want movies to make sense.  I want them to be realistic.  I don't want to read a script or watch a movie for the first time, and immediately "see" blatant issues and mistakes.  It doesn't make sense to me how things get by people so easily.

Hope this makes sense and helps.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff, thanks for the reply and the clarification. They will help me with the re-writes, and they will force me to do more research!

There's one more thing I want to say:


Quoted from Dreamscale
Just for the record, I'm a perfectionist.  Always have been, always will be.  It's a curse I live with in every facet of my life.  I can't help seeing flaws in things...they just jump out at me, and I feel like I should bring them up.  It happens all the time, in every movie I watch, in every thing I do.


I've never seen you explained yourself like this before. Maybe if you put in this disclaimer, there'll be less controversy (and arguments) when doing your review in the future?


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Ha...yeah...riiiiiight.  I doubt it.  I think I'm done with doing reviews and the like here.  Just not worth it anymore.  I truly enjoy helping others but when that help isn't helping, and my words hurt, there's no place for it.

You know, it's funny, actually.  Everyone thinks I'm such a dick for what I say and how I say it, but what I say and bring up is exactly what I'd expect in return, and I just can't seem to get it.

Every now and then, I actually make a mistake or two myself...   HaHa...

When there's a mistake or an omission in something I write (or do in general), I want to know about it....and I want to fix it IMMEDIATELY!  My entire life and career, I've always been the type who doesn't just do what I'm told, the way I'm told to do it...I find better ways, easier ways, more efficient, productive ways...and that's usually a problem, until I can prove what I'm doing and how I'm doing it, is actually  a "better way".

There are literally countless examples of things that even my close friends would "call bullshit" on.  Then, slowly, they'd come to me, one by one, and tell me they finally see the light and although they doubted me for literally years, they're all of a sudden buying into whatever it was.  It's weird, but it's also true.

Again, Herman, I honestly do hope that something I said in here will help you move forward in your writing.  And if it's only 1 single thing, then, at least I can feel good about that.  I don't aim to please, but I do aim to help.  I just don't seem to go about it in the right way.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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I hear you, buddy. There are always more effective ways to do things, but people tend not to do them by the most effective ways.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but I wanted to quote something from Sniper:


Quoted from Sniper
I don't get all this back and forth about Dreamscale's reviews. I mean, it's his subjective opinion - harsh or not, honest or not - that's all it is. Take it for what it is - or don't take it for anything. It's totally up to you.


So I hope you'll review like you usually do, and for the receivers, think about the quote in mind and take in what you think is useful. There's always something useful in every review.

And finally,


Quoted from Dreamscale
Again, Herman, I honestly do hope that something I said in here will help you move forward in your writing.  And if it's only 1 single thing, then, at least I can feel good about that.  I don't aim to please, but I do aim to help.  I just don't seem to go about it in the right way.


You damn well can feel good about it! There's absolutely more than one (or ten, as a matter of fact) thing you said that will help me with my rewrites.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 17th, 2010, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Michael, thanks for reading my script. It's rare for non-7WCs to review my script because I wasn't that active on the board.


Quoted from seamus19382
So here's the deal.  I think you have a bit of a problem in that it's like a couple of other movies.  Having said that,  I liked this one.  A lot.  I agree with Pia that this is one of the best 7wc.  I don't agree with her why though!


I agreed. Total Recall, Minority Report, Deja vu, etc. It was just so hard to find really fresh ideas within the four weeks. In the rewrites, I'll make sure I'll have some original elements in my script.

Glad you liked it. But what don't you agree with Pia? I thought both of you gave relatively similar reasons for liking it. No?


Quoted from seamus19382
I think there's a mention of Kevin and Grace's child early on.  I would hold off on revealing that until the scene with Mary.  Let us wonder what it is she's trying to forget.


I see. There's always a fine line between revealing too little and too much. I was afraid people would say the child came out of nowhere if I didn't mention about him early on. So I'll take your suggestion in mind.  


Quoted from seamus19382
I'm not sure I buy them erasing Kevins memory.  He's still doing the same thing, so why erase the memory that he's done it before?  Or am I missing something here?  Oh, does Kevin help cover up the hit and run of his son, and that's what they're erasing?


There is some information I didn't show, although I have it all in my mind. I just don't know how I can show this info without being too expositional and I don't know when I should show it. I didn't have enough time to rewrite my first first draft.

To answer your question, it's actually Kevin himself wants his own memory erased because he couldn't live with himself as the one who fried Grace's brain.

About the hit and run of Kevin's son, it's all Lambert. He erased the memory of a witness. Kevin didn't know anything about it. I doubt Kevin would cover up the death of his son.


Quoted from seamus19382
Also, does David hit two kids?  And is that really necessary?  Isn't hitting Kevin's kid enough?


That's exactly my thought after I've written it. Hitting two kids is too much. I was having Lambert who ran over Kevin's child at first, but then it's too coincidental. For the next draft, I'll have something other than hit and run. I feel hit and runs are all accidents and I want there are some motives behind the deaths.


Quoted from seamus19382
And the ending is WAAAAAAYYYYYY too long.  It just keeps going and going and going.


I hear you. From infiltrating into Memwipe, getting into the memory archive, get captured and brought into the erasing room, then escaped to the body storage room. It's a very long sequence, but I want to keep this sequence or else things won't make sense. I'll trim here and there, maybe the spotlight game just to move things faster.


Quoted from seamus19382
Where it falls flat for me is the actual writing.  Again, I realize there wasn't a lot of time for editing, but your descriptions and dialogue really felt flat and cumbersome for me.

You need to work on making it leaner and more economical.  In your action sequences in particular.   The scenes in the subway, and the last scene are where it shows the most.  They're long, and somewhat confusing.


Especially during the escalator tug of war, right? I was writing on the fly and it clearly showed.

Once again, thank you so much for your suggestions.

Is there anything you want me to read? There's a feature in the drama section, right? You want me to read that one?


Herman



FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Quoted from Coding Herman


Glad you liked it. But what don't you agree with Pia? I thought both of you gave relatively similar reasons for liking it. No?


I think the difference is what really worked for me was the story itself.  I thnkfor the most part, it was well thought out, carefully plotted and moved pretty quickly.  

What needed work for me, was the actual writing.   Please don't be insulted by that.  I absolutely realize that it's a lot to write a feature in 7 weeks, and it doesn't leave too much time to rewrite, and revise.

I There's always a fine line between revealing too little and too much. I was afraid people would say the child came out of nowhere if I didn't mention about him early on. So I'll take your suggestion in mind.  

No joke!  If it weren't for that, screenwriting would be easy!   I think you do a good job of suggeting that something is wrong, so if you hold off on revealing what it actually is, it won't feel out of left field.

Especially during the escalator tug of war, right? I was writing on the fly and it clearly showed.

Yes, and also the scene when they're in the house and the Troop comes in and the end.


Is there anything you want me to read? There's a feature in the drama section, right? You want me to read that one?

Yes, Bobby Blewzinski Sings The Blues is in the drama sections.  If you get a chance to read it, I'd appreciate it!


Herman



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Coding Herman
Posted: September 22nd, 2010, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reply, Michael.

I'll get right to reading Bobby Blewzinski Sings The Blues.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: September 23rd, 2010, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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Mixed feelings about this...Seems like the intensity level needs to be cranked up a few notches in the characters, in the conflict...

Nothing on the whole really stood out to me to me as being terrible, other than some extraneous dialogue (ex. pg.33 Kevin: Say My Name. Grace: What? Kevin: Just say it. What's my name? Grace: I dunno.)

I'd have had Grace shrug or look perplexed at his question, following the show don't tell has more power than dialogue.

Rob, the leader of the henchmen, is functional, but could be more. Had no doubt that Diane was working for Lambert.

Really liked the scene when Kevin realizes his memory has been comprimised (pg. 95). That was a very cool moment.

Pg. 48...The truth hits her? What is the truth? Suspect it's Grace's mom (Like Mary, by the way. She creates a striking visual image, as opposed to everyone else, who are a little dull - the five o'clock shadow and scar on the tough guy, the tweed suited executive, the  sultry cougar-all somewhat textbook stuff)

Think more needs to be done with Memwipe. Seems like this would be a secret, absolutely covert type of service that would only be available to the highest bidder- they'd hide from the government and certainly wouldn't be public knowledge- which is what they are trying to protect- not just to get some punk kid off a vehicular manslaughter charge (of which a good lawyer would be able to get him off, even for a fatal hit and run...There's precedent, unfortunately, of exactly that)

Can't really say too much else about it...Gonna check the other responses and see if that triggers any other thoughts. I did finish it, it just really didn't hit me square in the jaw, forcing me to pay attention.

Think this works fine as a thriller, granted with a sci-fi edge to it- Inceptionesque, in that regard.

Regardless of nitpicks, it's still a very nice job for a short period of time.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper

Revision History (1 edits)
Blakkwolfe  -  September 23rd, 2010, 6:52pm
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Ah geez, can't believe I missed replying you. Thank you so much for reading this. I wasn't as active as other 7WC'ers, so getting reads is harder for me. This is much appreciated.


Quoted from Craiger6
I’ve only commented on short scripts up until now, so this has been a learning experience for me as well, and I hope that my comments are helpful.


Trust me, it's fun writing a feature. You get more out of it. I hope I'll be reading your feature soon! Your comments are definitely helpful.  


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 1:
“KEVIN (O.S.)
I’d go easy on that.”


Ha.  Nice irony here.  I actually didn’t catch it the first time, but you’ve got a memory erasing specialist telling some dude at a bar to go easy on the drinks!


Believe it or not, I didn't realize it. You're the first person who spotted the irony. I was like, "Oh yeah!" I guess what I had in mind was to have Kevin convince Pearson to get away from the drinks and go with him to Memwipe if he wants to forget things.


Quoted from Craiger6
You introduce Diane as a bombshell.  I just went back to check the opening description you gave to Pearson to see if he was a really handsome guy, and you describe him as “tired around the eyes”.  I only mention it because I’m immediately suspicious of Diane.  There is nothing wrong with that, just curious if this was on purpose.


Good catch. I wanted Diane's motive to come as a mini-surprise. I wanted to hide that Diane is actually working with Kevin all along. So I might need to change that.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 5:
You seem to have capitalized “taser” throughout.  Curious if this is an oversight, or you had something else in mind.  I could see you capitalizing if it was a specific product you had in mind, but I think the term “taser” is ubiquitous enough that you wouldn’t have to cap.


Oh, I thought Taser is a brand name of the stun weapon, like Kleenex. But I guess the name is so common now that I don't need to capitalize it.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 9
“She’s not the prettiest woman, but nevertheless, a lovely lady.”

Ever since I began writing, and reading other scripts, I always notice that we tend to make everyone handsome, or incredibly good looking.  Like aren’t there any normal looking people in movies.  Haha.  Anyway, I get, and applaud what you are after here, but I think it reads a bit awkward.  Just a little revision needed IMO.


Same here, I don't write my characters as handsome and beautiful unless the story requires them, like Diane with her seductive skill.

I think the sentence is awkward because of the "but nevertheless"? Will it sound better like this: "She’s not the prettiest woman, but still a lovely lady."?


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 23
“Behind the glass pane, Diane watches disapprovingly.”

Between this and her assault of Kevin on the previous page, all I can say is, PSYCHO.


Hahaha....do you mean her character is like a psycho, or did it remind you of the movie Psycho?


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 30
“Kevin quickly grabs a pen from the table and twirls behind Lambert. He digs the pen into his neck.”

Hmmm, I’d kind of like to see him make use of something more forceful than a pen here.  You mentioned that there were guards.  Maybe they have guns on them and he wrestles one away.  A bit clichéd, but I think it’s more forceful than a pen.  I think I might go with something like that here.  Just a thought.


Good one. But the guards don't have guns on them. None of the people at Memwipe have guns. That's why they only use stun batons, syringes, and other non-lethal weapons. The reason is that I don't think the government will issue lethal weapons to a company who does memory erasure.

But I get what you mean here. I have an idea where Memwipe hires a private military company (PMC) to protect them from crazy protestors. Now the securities will have guns on them. Does that sound okay? Or too impossible?


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 34
“GRACE
Are you a trustworthy criminal?”


I liked this line.  Nice.  (IN RE: my comments about Grace at the end, this is what we need more from out of her.  Lines like this that highlight her personality)


Do you mean Grace need to be more witty? 'Cuz I can feel sort of a vibe here from all the reviews that Grace is not well-rounded enough.


Quoted from Craiger6
P 41 – Flashback Sequence

I’m not sure that I got the gist of what it is that you were shooting for here.  Was this when Grace and Kevin first met?  Is he trying to refresh her erased memory by bringing her to the scene of where they first met?

If so, I think you may need to make this a little clearer.  Also, you might want to use this scene at a different point in the screenplay considering they are now on the lam and being followed.


Yeah, I agree the flashback sequence wasn't that clear. What I was shooting for is for Grace to remember who Kevin really is, like how she first met him and this is all real, not some story Kevin made up. After Grace remembered it, she takes initiative to care for Kevin.

I'll need to rework the flashback sequence a little bit, and to make it clear it shows the first time Grace met Kevin. At first, before the flashback, I had Kevin asks Grace if she remembers where they are and this is the first place they met. Somehow I deleted this dialogue.

The placement of this flashback can be a problem and seems a bit out of place. I wanted here because this is the slow scene between the two big chase sequences. I don't want the action scenes to be so close together.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 44
“Suddenly, he catches a glimpse of Rob through the back door.  Rob’s scrambling through the aisle in the next car.”

Ha, what is this guy the Terminator.  Well, you’ve been pushing the envelope for the last 20 pages or so.  The action has been pretty good, keep it up.


Yeah, this Rob character needs to be rewritten. Some reviewers have asked why Rob would desperately chase down Kevin. They're just competing co-workers, it's not like they have a grudge against each other.

But there is a backstory between Rob and Kevin that didn't make it on the page. Rob was under Kevin when he first started. Kevin didn't treat him well and Rob vowed to get ahead of him. Maybe this motivation is not substantial enough either.

But I have a question: What do you mean by "you’ve been pushing the envelope for the last 20 pages"? Like is it too unrealistic and cartoonish? Just want some clarifications on that.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 44
Oh, okay, I see what you were getting at with the whole pen thing and the seat on the train.  Still a little confused as to why Kevin would share that bit of info with Grace though.  I’m sure it will come around though.  Back to reading.


I guess it's too much of a coincidence that Grace would actually remember the exact "pen" sequence.  Kevin didn't know what Grace would remember, he was just trying to get Grace to remember something.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Herman, as I've mentioned a few times, TASER is all capped when you look at their home page.  Wiki just caps the "T".

So I would imagine either "TASER" or "Taser" is acceptable, but I'd follow what the actual manufacturer uses, which is "TASER".


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Coding Herman
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Quoted from Craiger6
P. 52
“Kevin inserts a memory disc into the projector. He wears it and turns it on.”

In re: the memory projector, you’ve repeatedly mentioned that they wear it around their necks.  Just curious as to why?  Can they just place it on a counter or something, or does it have to be worn around the neck.  Just wondering why it is necessary to operate in this way.  If it’s something specific to the device, I think I am missing it.


They wear the projector like a headphone so it can extract your memory from your head and display it on the wall. If you inserted a memory disc, then you can just place it anywhere you want. I guess I didn't make it clear enough at the memory archive scene between Kevin and Guy. I'm actually thinking of ditching this device.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 58
“MARY
Nonsense. The only place you’ll find marijuana is inside my body.”


Ha.


Sounds like everyone likes Mary. I'll definitely keep her in in my rewrites.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 65
“He walks away, leaving Mary confused.”

I’m also confused because on P. 64, before being interrupted by Rob, you write the following about Guy:

“As he turns away, he notices a pair of feet hidden behind the clothing.”

Perhaps you meant to say that he sees a pair of shoes.  If he saw feet, then even Rob’s distraction would not stop him from throwing the clothes aside.  That said, Guy has been kind of an Eff Up thus far, but that would be a really bonehead move.  Too bonehead IMO.


I see what you're getting at here. Actually, Guy doesn't want Grace to get caught. Maybe I'm just cheating here when I made it looks like Guy's trying to catch them. And of course, since you read the ending, you know why.

This Guy character has been giving me a lot of troubles (along with Rob). This sequence as well. I have to rework all of this.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 66
“David quickly gets back into his car and guns the engine. As he speeds away, he finally notices Pearson watching him from down the street.”

So if Kevin watched the disc of Pearson’s memory the night before as you wrote, wouldn’t this have stuck out to him as being significant?  Again, I may be confused about what the device does when being worn; otherwise, it would seem that Kevin should have picked up on this the night before.


Damnit! Yeah, you spotted a plot hole. Maybe I can argue Kevin was too tired and he wasn't paying much attention when he watched the disc? Nah....need another fix.



Quoted from Craiger6
P. 68
“INT. MARY’S HOUSE - DINNING ROOM – NIGHT”

Wouldn’t it make sense for Kevin and Grace to move on?  They know Memwipe is already wise to Mary’s place.


True. I did plan to have them moved to a motel right away, but that'd take away the surprise that Kevin knew Diane was working with Lambert all along. Again, it's my bad, I shouldn't adjust character's action to fit the story. It should be the other way around.


Quoted from Craiger6
I think you need to work on developing Grace’s character a bit.  As currently constituted, she’s just kind of a victim who throws tantrums.  I’d like to see her get more involved with her own recovery.  Anyway, that’s just my take on her at this point.  I’ll keep an open mind as I continue.


Characters is something I really need to work on. I think I got Kevin down alright, but not the peripheral characters. Grace getting more involved with her own memory. This is something I'll keep in mind. Thanks.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 77
You reveal Guy as the person who has been texting Kevin the whole time.  I’ll admit that I was surprised at this.  I had been thinking that James was the one who was helping Kevin along the way.


I hope it's a pleasant surprise and not an out-of-the-blue one. And I applaud you for remembering who James is because he hasn't been mentioned since Kevin and Grace escaped. I didn't really plan James to be a red herring, but it just happens to be.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 80
“He stops before two MOVERS who are transporting a long sofa out of a furniture store, blocking his way.”

Hmmm, a little clichéd.  Ithink you’ve done a very good job thus far being creative with your action scenes.  I’d like to see you come up with something different here.


Agreed completely. I'll just remove that cartoonish scene.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 86
“You looking for me?”

My issue with this exchange is that Guy is a newbie with the company, right?  Why would Lambert even really be interacting with a guy who has just been hired recently?


My bad again, characters doing things to serve the story. They interact to heighten the suspense and tension of the scene. Another reviewer said this sequence is clumsy and I'll probably do something different there. And now you added another reason why I really need to rework it!


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 91
“But stumbles against a pedestal that holds a statuette.”

I think I might be envisioning this place differently, as I don’t see why they would have statuettes.  As I envisioned it from reading, I thought it was more like a modern warehouse where they kept computer software.  Not a big deal, I may have just missed the mark on the interpretation.


I envisioned it as a cross-over between a classical library and a hi-tech modern warehouse. Hard oak spiral staircase, carpeted floor, statuettes decoration, with shelves that store digital information. Completely different from the Memwipe exterior.

But like you said, not a big deal since it's the art director's job.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 95
I’ve been very impressed with your action scenes throughout.  They can probably be tightened up a bit, but I’ve enjoyed the way you’ve upped the ante in each instance.  Just like in the movies!  Nice job.


Glad you liked them. I always tried to give my characters complications and stumble blocks to climb over. Smooth sailing is dull. But what I need to work on is incorporate these stumble blocks into the overall story, not just the action scenes. Sometimes I do, like Kevin not getting Grace's disc when he thinks he finally got it.


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 103
“I always thought Michael was just unlucky. Wrong place at the wrong time.”

I think I would go with something more terse here considering he is surrounded by a bunch of hostile people.  Maybe he’s just choking him and screaming.  Might be hard to get all of that out in this instance.


True. I think "Wrong place at the wrong time" is redundant. I'll also change the dialogue a bit to make it sound more crisp and snappy. But I'm pretty bad at dialogue. You got any tips on how to make them work?


Quoted from Craiger6
P. 109
“Lies!”

I dunno, this line doesn’t work for me.  After all this guy has done to him, I’d just like for him to come with something else.


At first, I wanted Kevin to just swear and curse the hell out. But he's not known to say expletives throughout the script, so I throw out a line here to show his anger. I guess that didn't work. You got any suggestions as to what kind of things he should be saying to Lambert?


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Jeff, thanks for checking out this board again.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Herman, as I've mentioned a few times, TASER is all capped when you look at their home page.  Wiki just caps the "T".

So I would imagine either "TASER" or "Taser" is acceptable, but I'd follow what the actual manufacturer uses, which is "TASER".


I think what Craig meant is not to use cap but just write "taser". I followed what wiki does and just capitalize the first letter. But I've also seen other scripts, I think one of them is Pia's, where she didn't capitalize anything.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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I understand but the correct way is "TASER" - all capped.  It's a brand name, and it actually is an acronym for a fictional weapon called the "Thomas A. Swift's Electric Rifle".


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