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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Getaway Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 4th, 2023, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Getaway by Matthew Mosley  - Thriller - After a bank robbery leaves a woman shot and the stashed getaway car turns up STOLEN, five theives quickly begin turning on each other and things start spiralling out of control.  100 pages - pdf format

production: Shoestring budget British crime thriller set in real-time.

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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A.dunbar
Posted: February 6th, 2023, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Any feedback on this script at the moment?
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LC
Posted: February 6th, 2023, 7:50am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from A.dunbar
Any feedback on this script at the moment?


Unless you're the writer asking this question, you could read it and provide some feedback yourself.
That's what this site is all about, getting involved, & quid pro quo.


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D.A.Banaszak
Posted: February 9th, 2023, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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I'm reading it now.  I will have comments when I am finished.  

I am also reading I Love You, I hate You. I would like to leave comments for that, but the link takes me here.
Does that author want comments?


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D.A.Banaszak
Posted: February 9th, 2023, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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Oddly enough, I read the logline after I read the script. I didn't know what to expect. Even in the absence of a soundtrack, this hit the ground running. I could feel tension right away.

I loved the opening banter. It added depth to the characters and their relationship to each other. My favorite line came from Danny's entrance: Why is everyone in the back? Has this cunt farted?

I had a strong idea about how it was going to end about halfway through but enough ambiguity remained about exactly how it would end kept me on the edge of my seat. Overall, I liked it.

However, I do have a couple of suggestions:

You start off on bad footing at the very beginning. Your first slug line is: INT. CAR - DAY and your first action line is "Inside a parked car." Unless you want to impress the employees of The Department of Redundancy Department you should re-think your opening. I would suggest:
The morning light is accompanied by the sounds of birds, far-off traffic and wind.

Also, you need to give this a few more read-throughs. There are several typos. For instance, on P. 32, Danny could see where the woman was shot. I think you meant to say he couldn't. On P's 69, 70 and 84, Rhod is called Rhos. On the bottom of P. 5, "...they crew continues to drive."  There are other typos for you to find.

One other typo that I saw was the word Miss (as a title) followed by a period.  I know that Mr. and Mrs. and Ms. have periods. I don't think that Miss has one. I could be wrong.


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LC
Posted: February 10th, 2023, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
I'm reading it now.  I will have comments when I am finished.  

I am also reading I Love You, I hate You. I would like to leave comments for that, but the link takes me here.
Does that author want comments?

Where is the link to I Love You, Hate You, if you're reading it?
Can you clarify please?


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D.A.Banaszak
Posted: February 10th, 2023, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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The link to the store is here:

https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/ILYIHY.pdf

It is listed on the Original Unproduced scripts page for this week under Getaway. It's a drama.
When I click on the link to comment on "I Love You, I Hate You", it takes me here to comment on "Getaway".

My apologies for being unclear.


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LC
Posted: February 10th, 2023, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for letting us know, I'll let Don know and hopefully the link to the script can be fixed.


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Don
Posted: February 10th, 2023, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
The link to the store is here:

https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/ILYIHY.pdf

It is listed on the Original Unproduced scripts page for this week under Getaway. It's a drama.
When I click on the link to comment on "I Love You, I Hate You", it takes me here to comment on "Getaway".

My apologies for being unclear.


Thanks for the heads up and apologies for the confusion.  I Love You, I Hate You thread can be found here: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1676078243/

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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