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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  A Madness Shared by Two - wip (My first treatment) Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Madness Shared by Two - wip (My first treatment)  (currently 314 views)
steven8
Posted: April 1st, 2022, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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I've written a bunch of scripts in the past, with very little garnering much positive feedback. But that is understandable. I've never been more than a great admirer of the art form that is script writing, and merely a dabbler in the craft, because, let's be honest, who wouldn't love to write a movie? So, yet another idea that I think would make a great movie swam into my head a few years ago and I shared it back and forth with a guy on the site who went by the name Dreamscale. I really liked that fellow, but I never really did anything with the idea and actually forgot about it until just recently. I searched my old messages we shared because I found he is no longer a member of the site, and decided to see if I could do anything with it. I've been writing down rough thoughts and an outline and I've decided a treatment might help me turn it into something cohesive and workable. I've studied writing treatments on several sites, and pretty much none of it seemed like what I thought it should be, until I read the actual treatment for Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I've never seen the movie, but that treatment was IT! THAT, was what I felt a treatment should be. So I sat down and over a couple days wrote my treatment for what I now call A Madness Shared by Two. Please tell me if you think it's scr*wed or has possibilities or your thoughts on how I can make it better.  All input is appreciated.

https://turn-of-phrase.com/Steve/A_Madness_Shared_by_Two_Treatment.pdf


ED - All I wanna do is tell stories.  The things I find interesting...

DOLORES - Well maybe you're not studio kind of material.

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Grandma Bear  -  April 2nd, 2022, 6:29am
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 1st, 2022, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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I have to confess Steve, I read your treatment twice to try to understand the complex plot. No fault of your own. Movies like this usually are.

It's actually a pretty good and intriguing premise. Whether or not space-time is an actual reality or simply an illusion,  dude the possibilities are endless to what you could do with it.

Have you started writing it? You already got your treatment.


Quoted Text
The sudden appearance of a bewildered woman claiming to be his wife turns the world
of a confirmed bachelor upside down, forcing him to face an uncertain future and his own life
choices as he attempts to help her get back to where she belongs.


Is this your WIP logline? If so, I'd lose confirmed. I'd read it.

Reg



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  April 2nd, 2022, 5:52am
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LC
Posted: April 2nd, 2022, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Steve, I gotta agree with Ghostie in that this sounds intriguing but plots like this always mess with my head. They can be terrific all the same.

Re your treatment, try to keep to present tense writing (or at least one tense).

Also you need more in the Logline to reflect the SciFi/time loop aspect, otherwise it's just a bewildered woman turning up at his abode, imho.


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steven8
Posted: April 2nd, 2022, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks a bunch for taking the time to read and give me your thoughts!!  To be honest, I had to stop Inception about every 5 - 10 minutes and have my wife explain to me what we'd just seen, so I totally get it.  

I am working on correcting the tense issue, thank you LC, and I have tweaked the logline in a way that I think makes it stronger.  I'll paste it at the bottom and please let me know what you think.

I have not written one word of an actual script yet.  My goal here is to finally let go the seat of my pants and fly my way into a well constructed piece.

Logline: The sudden appearance of a bewildered woman claiming to be his wife turns the world of an unsociable bachelor upside down, forcing him to face an uncertain future and his own life choices, as he attempts to help her get back to her own reality.


ED - All I wanna do is tell stories.  The things I find interesting...

DOLORES - Well maybe you're not studio kind of material.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 3rd, 2022, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy Steven,


Quoted from steven8
Logline: The sudden appearance of a bewildered woman claiming to be his wife turns the world of an unsociable bachelor upside down, forcing him to face an uncertain future and his own life choices, as he attempts to help her get back to her own reality.


OK, I'm gonna piggyback off our previous pot;

In my opinion, from what was presented to us here, it's much better, the "HOOK" is here, which is cool, but I'm left wondering what's at stake. ( forcing him to face an uncertain future and his own life choices?) Kinda vague. It feels like you're half way there with the log but need to finish it off. Maybe I'll read the treatment, myself.  Offer a suggestion.

It'll do as a placeholder. Instead of throwing spaghetti at the wall right now - write it... obsess over the logline  when the time comes. Don't use it as an excuse to procrastinate!

You know as well as anybody - as you write your story, it evolves - and probably the log too. That said, you could always post it, get feedback.  At any rate; G 'luck with it.


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steven8
Posted: April 4th, 2022, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy Steven,



OK, I'm gonna piggyback off our previous pot;

In my opinion, from what was presented to us here, it's much better, the "HOOK" is here, which is cool, but I'm left wondering what's at stake. ( forcing him to face an uncertain future and his own life choices?) Kinda vague. It feels like you're half way there with the log but need to finish it off. Maybe I'll read the treatment, myself.  Offer a suggestion.

It'll do as a placeholder. Instead of throwing spaghetti at the wall right now - write it... obsess over the logline  when the time comes. Don't use it as an excuse to procrastinate!

You know as well as anybody - as you write your story, it evolves - and probably the log too. That said, you could always post it, get feedback.  At any rate; G 'luck with it.


To be honest, I thought I'd had the logline nailed.   I was just worried about whether or not my treatment was any good.  

Anyway, I'm taking your advice, and getting started on the script.  I've started my outline for act one!!


ED - All I wanna do is tell stories.  The things I find interesting...

DOLORES - Well maybe you're not studio kind of material.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 4th, 2022, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Haha. Well put it this way - your current log piqued my interest enough to open it up and give it a read. And... color me silly, I have a very soft spot for sci-fi, myself. What's important is to pack a punch with your logline, by making it sound both commercially and narratively solid, and the fewest words you can use to do that the better.

I could be waaaay off in my comments, so don't take them to heart. See what others say, and wait to see if a consensus appears....and go from there.


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LC
Posted: April 4th, 2022, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Steve, I agree with the dynamic duo.

My 2c: unsociable does not pack a punch and your Logline is too vague.

The sudden appearance of a bewildered woman claiming to be his wife turns the world of an unsociable bachelor upside down, forcing him to face an uncertain future and his own life choices, as he attempts to help her get back to her own reality.

Those bolded words are not riveting enough imh. Honestly, it's like hmm... mayo or ketchup, brown tie or blue stripes? Attempts? Better to have no choice, be forced to act, or else...

The sudden appearance of a woman claiming to be his wife turns the world of a reclusive bachelor upside down when he discovers she's from an alternative reality/parralel universe.

That said, what you have in your treatment is more powerful:
A man and a woman claiming to be his wife are thrown together when a bizarre tear in the space-time continuum forces them to team up with a troubled particle physicist (**to outwit the freak vagaries of nature gone mad)..

Play with that. **If they don't team up what will happen as a consequence should be more powerful.
But yep, I concur with the others on the fact you know where you're going, so write it.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 4th, 2022, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, Steven,  I agree 100% with Libby. Take her astute advice. Also, leaving the hook for the end gives your log more punch, too. Outta here for good now. Best of Irish luck!


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steven8
Posted: April 5th, 2022, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Message received loud and clear, guys.  I'm on page three of the actual screenplay!  Once I get a little further, I'll post it.

Thanks for your input!!

[EDIT] - Man I like this:

The sudden appearance of a woman claiming to be his wife turns the world of a reclusive bachelor upside down when he discovers she's from an alternative reality/parallel universe.


ED - All I wanna do is tell stories.  The things I find interesting...

DOLORES - Well maybe you're not studio kind of material.

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steven8  -  April 5th, 2022, 7:12pm
Acknowledged that really cool logline idea!!
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AlsoBen
Posted: July 3rd, 2022, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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"Confirmed bachelor" means gay, FYI


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