Souvenir by A.B. Steel (absteel) - Short, Thriller - All Tom Barrett wants to do is write the great American novel, but his obnoxious neighbors are a big distraction. 21 pages - pdf, format

Steel,

This was a very well written piece.  Vivid descriptions made it a breeze to read, but toward the end I was feeling sort of let down...until the final blow, where that made everything better.

We were talking about this in the chat room the other night and you made it sound like the typewriter is actually this mysterious fantasy-gizmo...or at least that's what my mind interpreted it as.  But this kind of gave me a new look at it, because it offers the question over whether the type writer is really this mysterious fantasy-gizmo, or if Tom is really just this manic writer guy.  In that sense, you executed it perfectly because that's a question you could hang us all onto without feeling like we were jipped out of a real thrill ending.

But, ya know, up until the very last segment, the story seemed overly routine at certain parts.  I mean, up until he started writing on the typewriter, it was just a guy going about his business.  I didn't feel the mystery or anything like that.  Maybe adding in the screaming neighbors a bit earlier could have helped.

Like I said, though, in the end when we learn that Tom killed these folks, I thought that was a very top-notch zinger of an ending.  Is this guy crazy?  I mean, in his story, the two people were lovers while in reality, the neighbors were screaming at each other, yet he perceives it as two different situations.  I think when all was said and done with this story, it makes for an interesting character study.

So overall it was very well written and gave me a good ZING at the end.  Good job!

Thanks for reading, Greg. I think the theme of this story is, "When the right creator and right tools meet, magic happens." Tom wouldn't have done it without the typewriter. Likewise, the typewriter might not have the same effect on someone else.

When Tom comes home he snarls at the truck. It's the neighbor's truck. Maybe I should make that more obvious? And in the rewrite, I'll add some screaming neighbors at the beginning, before the power goes out.

I'm glad you like it.

PS: Do you think it warrants morel? I've thought about writing a series of shorts, all centered on Tom and his typewriter. Same template, though. Tom has a problem, then he writes, and then people end up dead.

A well-written piece. Nice, tight descriptions, as Greg stated, made it a quick, fun read. Of course, the idea of a writer's work coming to life (in some manner) is not new, but this was still well executed.

A couple of very minor points (with spoilers):

- You mention Tom's "meticulously organized" office, yet later describe other parts of his place as messy. This seems a bit inconsistent.

- Page 2: "A nice, cozy kitchen. The remnants of a nice meal is on the table..." Shouldn't that be "remnants of a nice meal are on the table" since you're referring to the remnants not the meal?

- Page 5: "As they walk down the aisle, Tom notices some of the bazaar items..."  I assume you meant "bizarre", as in curious, odd, or peculiar.

- Page 5: When Tom gets home, passes the plumber's truck and scowls: this seemed like an important bit of information but it didn't lead anywhere. Was this supposed to be his neighbors truck? If so, that wasn't clear. (ETA - You answered this. I guess it wasn't clear)

- Page 7: When Tom is on the phone the second time with his agent(?) he says "so I can get some fucking work done! I interpreted that as him yelling through the wall at his neighbors. If that's what you were going for perhaps you should say so.

- Page 9: "He leaps back on the bed and tries to pull the finger off..." I think you meant "he tries to pull the ring off".

- I think the finger cutting/breaking bit was overkill, but that's a personal preference.

- the wife's hand falling out to reveal the missing finger is a bit hackneyed, frankly. I think he would be sufficiently surprised to see a body pulled out on a gurney. Without that, when he finds the finger later it would be a bigger reveal, IMO.

- I liked that Tom was pleased to see that he was responsible, it made the piece creepier.

I know those are nit-picky points, but I liked the story so I didn't have much else to say .

Good stuff.

Decided to pop this one open and give it a look since I remember you talking about it in the chat room.

You seem to be pretty heavy into the format thing, so I'll offer some suggestions as I come across them.

First off, I think you could afford to break up your descriptions a little more.  The opening one is 5 lines, when usually they should be 4 max.  I noticed it in a handful of other places as well, so you may want to watch for it.  Just try to look at each block of description as its own shot.

Tom's 6 shits in a row should have spaces between them.  And this may sound weird, but when randomly firing off the same word over and over, it's best to use an odd number.  It helps with the cadence of it.

I don't think someone who owns an antique shop would ask why someone is buying something old and presumably outdated.  He could comment on how hard it was to find one, but he finally did in the back, however.

Pg 6 definitely exceeds the page a minute theory.  Everything he goes through with his cigarettes seems like a little too much detail.

I enjoyed the story and thought it was an interesting take on the theme, so nice work there.

I'd just suggest looking back at some of the things I've mentioned above, mainly breaking up, and even cutting down on the descriptions some.

Nice work.

AB,

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon, here.  This is a good story.  Both Pete and Greg have brought up some good points that I missed.  I would only add to this (as mentioned in the chat) is why he didn't test the typewriter before buying it.  Good story.

Don

Quoted from Pete B. Lane A well-written piece. Nice, tight descriptions, as Greg stated, made it a quick, fun read. Of course, the idea of a writer's work coming to life (in some manner) is not new, but this was still well executed.

Thanks for reading, Greg. I'm glad you liked it.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - You mention Tom's "meticulously organized" office, yet later describe other parts of his place as messy. This seems a bit inconsistent.

Tom lives in his office. He doesn't care about his living room or kitchen. I think he'd let those rooms go to waste.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - Page 2: "A nice, cozy kitchen. The remnants of a nice meal is on the table..." Shouldn't that be "remnants of a nice meal are on the table" since you're referring to the remnants not the meal?

Okay. I wondered about that...

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - Page 5: "As they walk down the aisle, Tom notices some of the bazaar items..."  I assume you meant "bizarre", as in curious, odd, or peculiar.

I did mean bizarre. Thanks for catching that.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - Page 5: When Tom gets home, passes the plumber's truck and scowls: this seemed like an important bit of information but it didn't lead anywhere. Was this supposed to be his neighbors truck? If so, that wasn't clear. (ETA - You answered this. I guess it wasn't clear)

I wasn't really sure how to show the neighbors without actually showing them. I think it's better if we don't actually see them. If that makes any sense...

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - Page 7: When Tom is on the phone the second time with his agent(?) he says "so I can get some fucking work done! I interpreted that as him yelling through the wall at his neighbors. If that's what you were going for perhaps you should say so.

Bob's actually the editor. That's what I was going for. It'll be fixed in the rewrite.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - Page 9: "He leaps back on the bed and tries to pull the finger off..." I think you meant "he tries to pull the ring off".

Yep. Thanks for catching it.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - I think the finger cutting/breaking bit was overkill, but that's a personal preference.

I'm not sure why he wants the ring. Maybe for a souvenir?

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - the wife's hand falling out to reveal the missing finger is a bit hackneyed, frankly. I think he would be sufficiently surprised to see a body pulled out on a gurney. Without that, when he finds the finger later it would be a bigger reveal, IMO.

That makes sense. Did it make you expect to see him pull out the finger in end? If so, then I'll cut it. Can the scene work without that? Cause the cops are important.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - I liked that Tom was pleased to see that he was responsible, it made the piece creepier.

Good. 'Cause that's what I wanted.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane I know those are nit-picky points, but I liked the story so I didn't have much else to say . Good stuff.

I posted it to get honest feedback, and those nit-picky points. Thanks for reading.

Well I already told you this in chat but I might as well make it official.

I found this to be an enjoyable little read, tho the ending was easy to spot.  I will not mention the things that the others have said and that you have responded to as they have been covered already.

However, like I said in Chat you need to break up his dialog in the phone conversation so that it reads as if he is having one and not just saying a speech. As it is at the moment, it is too continuous.

Quoted from ABennettWriter Thanks for reading, Greg. I'm glad you liked it.

I'm Pete actually, but you're welcome.

Quoted Text I wasn't really sure how to show the neighbors without actually showing them. I think it's better if we don't actually see them. If that makes any sense...

Yeah, that makes sense.

Quoted Text I'm not sure why he wants the ring. Maybe for a souvenir?

I wasn't criticizing him taking the ring, just the gory way he did it. I don't have a problem with him taking the finger either (that's a good bit at the end), but all he went through to do it was overkill. But again, that's just me.

Quoted Text That makes sense. Did it make you expect to see him pull out the finger in end? If so, then I'll cut it. Can the scene work without that? Cause the cops are important.

You're right, the cops and the body being taken out of the apartment are important. When Tom saw the missing finger, I knew what was coming (at least I guessed correctly), so I think the scene will not only work, but work better without her hand being revealed.

Hey Abs;
Good job on this. Noticed some awkward grammar...Pg 2. Then runs under the awning..Should be He then, or Then he...Liked the descriptions of the antique store...Bizarre? Bazaar? Both could work in the context..What kind of typewriter was it? An IBM Selectric? An old Brother?
The antiques guy would have known all the details, especially if worked or not....Why was Tom so confident in its working? (Tom needs to invest an APC Battery Back-up)...Liked his pre-writing ritual, although it was a just a little overdone, as is the murder scene. The detectives would have identified themselves before opening the door. Tom might also be very paranoid, but being a psycho, he may not be....Great ending looking through the bloody manuscript...Hope he didn't drop his glove though. We all know how that goes. Great job!

This script hummed along nicely.  I liked the idea that we start with a meticulous office and it gets messier and messier, which I believe parellel his mind.  I like Tom having to constantly tell his editor he'll get his draft over and over.  Though the arguing copule could be brought in earlier, it is seeded that there might be a cock-eyed motive for Tom killing them later.

It seems weird that Tom would immediately toss his keyboard, considering how important it is, just because the power went out.  One can argue that this shows the anger inside the man that could drive him to violence later, the beer being another clue to later violence.

What struck me at the shop is that it seemed Tom knew what he was looking at immediately.  The feeling I got was a Tom thouhgt balloon of "Holy s-word!  It's the freaking holy grail in a pawn shop.  I must have it!"  It's never made clear what Tom saw in what he was getting.  If he's got a preference for a typewriter, maybe there should be a bunch of unused typewriters lying in the office.  

Hey ABS,

I find the writing here to be nice. Couple of thoughts on the story itself.

The beginning could be just a tad tighter, I think. Felt a little slow occasionally. Not badly so, but I still think it could be tightened some. This part sets up a pace that IMHO gets wrecked by the time the intruder shows up in the bedroom. In other words, it feels a little jolted to me. Like two separate stories almost. I'm not squeemish at all about violence mind you, I just think it was overkill here and somewhat ruined the ending. I liked the twist at the end with Tom's writing having turned real.

I think your logline gives away the twist. The twist is good, don't give it away.

I also liked Tom's little routine before he starts typing. I have a routine I have to go through too before I can start writing.

All in all it was a good script. If you make the first and second part match better in tone it'll be even better.

Pia

I know things are a little out of order, but bear with me...

I'm glad you liked it, Pia.

I struggled a bit with the two flow, and eventually came to the realization that it is two different stories. Tom's first writing a love story... one of your The Notebook or A Walk to Remember type stuff. Then there's the fighting neighbors, and, in his mind, he equates the two. He's tired of both. The only way to get rid of his frustrations are to kill them both. I didn't know how I could seamlessly combine killer+couple, so I made it obvious.

Quoted from Mike First off, I think you could afford to break up your descriptions a little more.  The opening one is 5 lines, when usually they should be 4 max.  I noticed it in a handful of other places as well, so you may want to watch for it.  Just try to look at each block of description as its own shot.

I don't really believe in rules. I believe in guidelines, and I use them when the situation warrants. I haven't rewritten the piece yet, but I think each word belongs in the script.

Quoted from Mike Tom's 6 shits in a row should have spaces between them.  And this may sound weird, but when randomly firing off the same word over and over, it's best to use an odd number.  It helps with the cadence of it.

Gotcha. I'll leave it at five.

Quoted from Mike Pg 6 definitely exceeds the page a minute theory.  Everything he goes through with his cigarettes seems like a little too much detail.

Maybe it's a little much, you can't say I break that "Show, don't tell" rule!

Quoted from Blakkwolfe What kind of typewriter was it? An IBM Selectric? An old Brother?

If I film this myself, which I may do, it'll be a manual Torpedo. It's the only one I own. But I don't see why the brand is important. A typewriter's a typewriter, no? I didn't even bother with him buying an electric typewriter.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Why was Tom so confident in its working? (Tom needs to invest an APC Battery Back-up)

I believe there's a connection with the typewriter. They're destined for each other. He just knows it works. And why the battery? It is a manual typewriter, after all.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe The detectives would have identified themselves before opening the door.

Yeah, they should've. Just a little detail I forgot from L&O. (Notice how my detectives names are Green and Briscoe?)

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Hope he didn't drop his glove though. We all know how that goes. Great job!

Not only does he leave the glove, but he also leaves the knife. I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for reading.

Quoted from EBurke73 It seems weird that Tom would immediately toss his keyboard, considering how important it is, just because the power went out.  One can argue that this shows the anger inside the man that could drive him to violence later, the beer being another clue to later violence.

Interpret that as you will. But, instead of saying, "Tom mad!", I showed that he was angry by tossing the keyboard. Even if he broke it, they're easily replaced and less expensive than a whole new computer. As far as your last sentence, it was unintentional. Funny how a mind works, huh?

If you're interested, I'll be rewriting this and it'll be posted for your reading pleasure. I really appreciate the help, and all the pesky points. Thanks!

Quoted from Shelton I don't think someone who owns an antique shop would ask why someone is buying something old and presumably outdated.

He's not really asking why he needs a typewriter, he's asking why he needs a typewriter in the middle of a storm. He's kinda asking, "Why not wait until tomorrow?"

The rewrite should be posted soon.