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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  Redeemer - OWC
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  Author    Redeemer - OWC  (currently 3702 views)
Don
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Redeemer by Julio Weigend (J_Gomez) - Short, Drama - A man faces his last moments inside a prison cell. - pdf, format


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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 8th, 2008, 4:06pm
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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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This one fit the theme and genre well, it moved at a good pace and told a complete story in 8 pages.

page 5 you wrote

GUARD (O.S)
Nah, take your fucking time. No
else works around this block but
me.

I think it should be " No one else"

The descriptions were good and the dialogue. for the most part, flowed well.

anyways good job on this entry.


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RobertSpence
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS.........

I liked the pacing of this one, and it stuck to the genre of taking place primarilly in a prison cell well. I liked your dialogue, but your last Guard speach had a couple of mistakes.

The "life flashing before your eyes" moment I really liked, I could see it happening, and I was genuinelly rooting for Marlon to try and find a way out of this because I knew there was no hope for him.

Anyways was a good quick read and I enjoyed it.

Robert


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stebrown
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi, very good imagery in this script. Thought it was a fast read.

It's not really explained why the guys are coming after them though. He was framed for killing his wife and dog? Not like he's a paedophile or something.

Good stuff tho.


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Souter Fell
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Little points as I'm reading:

"Bullet holes on its chest." On or in?

It seems cheating that we hear what skull man said to Mel in Maynard's flashback. Could've been avoided by some line by Mel throwing guilt May's way.

You say Marlon can't take his eyes off Maynard, but isn't Maynard in another cell? I can't figure out how he can take his eyes ON Maynard.

Try to condense your flashes. 3 quick flashes are written as almost a page. Ex: No need to give Mel age if the local is Kindergarten. We'll put it together.

Kinda just ended. I have to wonder how the Skull gang got in. I went over it and it makes no mention of them wearing prison attire, a la inmates. They don't even seem to be bribing the guards to get in.

And the crime itself is very unclear. Was he framed for his wife's murder? He acts like he did it. And other than the flashback with Skull gang and when he actually shoots up, the whole "junkie" angle is no where to be found.

Oh, and if someone's complelety crazy, how does he smoke his cigarette slowly?

It's good but has a bunch of loose ends and inconsistencies. Regardless, nice entry and good show.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Okay, this short included the theme and genre well and all, but, like Souter, I have some unanswered questions too.

Why did the Guard let the Skull gang in and beat him up (friends of the guard's?)? Why is Maynard in prison in the first place (I don't completely understand)? Maybe I didn't catch on to this, but is there even a reason why the Skull gang is after Maynard?

Oh, and another thing that bothered me was that Maynard and Marlon, the names both sound alike and I continued to get confused on who was talking and whatnot.

The ending with the flashbacks was good, and how he died smiling.

Sean


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Zack
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hello,

This one has some problems.

I'm with Sean and Souter about the unanswered questions. Why is he in jail? Was he framed for his wife's muder?

And who is the skull Man? Just some drug dealer? If so, how come he is allowed in the prison barracks?

Loose the CONT'D, they are not needed.

I don't like the Skull Man's V.O. about his 'standards'. I don't think it's needed.

Overall, I nice try. But I really think you should have used the entire 12 pages.

I'll give it a C-

~Zack~


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Zack  -  February 25th, 2008, 9:01pm
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James McClung
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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I too think there's a lot of unanswered questions here. Some of them aren't too serious. Maynard is a junkie and his wife has been murdered. There's a lot of possibilities for him going to prison. I gathered the Skull Man killed him for not paying his debts. Like I said, not too serious. There are, however, two things I would've liked to have seen addressed.

1) I can buy the crooked guard but he needs insentive to let these guys do what they do. Crooked cops always do in the movies and I imagine in real life too. I think these guys should have some kind of deal worked out.

2) What's Marlon's involvement in any of this? Never explained at all. Not even a hint. You need at least that.

Anyway, I thought this was a decent read. The general concept seemed pretty standard but there was one thing that stood out to me. Usually junkies are portrayed as spineless scum with little to no development. You gave Maynard a backstory, which hasn't been done a lot, I don't think. It was a refreshing twist on an otherwise familiar scenario.


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greg
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I'm gonna echo everyone else here.  There are a lot of plot holes that aren't explained and it kind of taints an otherwise well written piece.  Why was Maynard involved in all of those?  How was he involved?  What's going on here?  And why the flip did the guard let Skull Fuck and his boys in to kill Maynard?  I'll just assume that this takes place during Donald Rumsfeld's time in office.  

Imagery was good.  The final series of quick flashbacks were very well done.  Just would have liked some more explanation.


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mcornetto
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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An interesting morality tale and definitely met the challenge.  I thought the writing was good, full characters, terse actions, and unforced dialogue.

However, I had a couple of problems with this.  The first was small, too many M names.  It gets confusing to read.

The second was the story, I found it far fetched.  If the Skull Man was a pusher then why is he holding his junkies in cells.  He would be getting them to steal for their next fix or something like that.  He wouldnít kill the wife, he would hurt her until Marlon cooperated. I found a complete lack of motive for Skull Manís actions.

Still it would probably look good on film so Iíll give it a CONSIDER
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this for the most part, with the exception of Mel...I think she would have been hiding in a closet when all these killings were happening, and not just standing there holding her dead pup...She'd have called 911 or run to the nieghbors...After the crime, the cops would have had her out of there way before she had the opportunity to watch her paw shoot up...The tension with Skull Man is cool; he's a good villainous character...The flashbacks during the beating are unneeded, as it's already established with the earlier flash back...the "critters" on the first page breaks the mood and tone of the short...


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rc1107
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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This is one of the better ones that I've read for the challenge so far, despite several plotholes.

- Why was Maynard in there?
- How is a gang allowed into the prison?
- What does Marlon have to do with anything?

All of those have been asked and are very valid questions.

The main thing that came to my attention, though, was the title.  Maynard never redeems himself in any way.  Unless I just missed something.  I'm pretty sure all that happens is that Maynard admits that he's a junkie and his family got killed for it.  That's not redemption.  That's an apology.  He's the 'Apologizer'.

This would be a good story to work with outside the guidelines of the challenge after it's over.  The writing and descriptions I thought were pretty good, and the story definately has some potential, as long as all the questions are answered.

- Mark


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chism
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one as well, although I agree that the execution seems a little confused. A week is not very much time to write a short and with more time to refine I think this would be better.

I don't mind the unanswered questions, you give us enough information to fill in the blanks as to what happened with Maynard and his family. You need to put in a little more about Marlon, though. Why Skull Man is after him, why's he's in prison, etc; would be nice to have those questions answered; or at least have the answer hinted at.

All in all, a good short. Quick and to the point, fit the genre very well. I really liked the quick flashbacks during the beating. Very poignant. Like I said, it's a bit of a confused script, but with some rewriting and refining of the material, I think this could be a great short. Well done.


Matt.
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BryMo
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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Try to fill your audience or hint us what happened in the past, there were some  plot holes(i think anyway) that i couldn't figure out.

However i this fits the challenge really well, a good story for the prison theme. touching thing with the flashbacks, my fav part, i can see anybody having in a situation like that.

A well told story which was fast to read, Congrats!

EDIT: i Read over a second time and had one more thing to point out. Are the names anything special to you, becuase i think there is one name too many that begins with an M. Had it confusing. Srry, wanted to point it out.


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Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Itís a nice effort that would sit well within a wider story.

However the story is graphically unpleasant without really explaining why. There are places here where the dialog goes a little unnatural and expositional.

Philip


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