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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  The Change - OWC
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Don
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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The Change by Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - Short, Drama - Jim Morrison is going to change in prison one way or the other. - doc, format


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Don  -  March 8th, 2008, 3:52pm
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bert
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I was pretty disappointed in this one.

I mean, I thought it was going to be THAT Jim Morrison.  He did spend a little time in the pokey, you know.

Now that would have been a pretty awesome story to use.  Ah, hindsight.

Anyways, I am pretty sure this was a different Jim.

This story did not make a lot of sense to me.  There might have been something about rehabilitation mixed in to this story, but it was mostly a lot of repetitive dialogue between your two Jims, one shouting for help, and the other coaxing an easy surrender.

The fact that the guards treated this as a routine situation only lent to the confusion.

It was an odd story, but really would have benefited from some additional details, a dose of clarity, and definitely the inclusion of that Jim Morrison.

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James R
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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Jim Morrison. Are you sure that is the name you want to use?

This script was pretty cool, I liked the idea. Sometimes I think that scripts like these need a little more detail and sometimes I think it best to not know everything. It adds to the mystery.

I was wondering about the sentencing and how it had so much to do with Jim's friends. The friends were mentioned a number of times and then the end had nothing to do with friend selection.

A quick read and an interesting idea, character names aside.

James


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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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I would also suggest in changing the name.

You had a good idea, but it was poorly executed in my opinion. Too much confusion for me.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 1st, 2008, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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I think I actually understood this. Identical Jim was the good and the normal Jim was the evil. The Identical Jim..killed?...the normal Jim to replace evil with good?

Though, I don't understand why the guards planned this, or why it even happened at all.

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BPeterson
Posted: March 1st, 2008, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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this one was alright, short and to the point. There's a few small typos (here instead of hear, etc.)but besides that, the formatting is pretty good (especially since this is a Doc file). my only complaints are the name but that's been said already and the VO at the beginning could be trimmed back some. it was an odd story and didn't answer any questions but since it was so short, it worked alright.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: March 1st, 2008, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with the others that there is a potentially sharp idea in this that needs cleaning up.

I took this to be an ironic comment on what we expect to happen when we put someone in jail i.e. they learn their lesson and become good. Having it literally happen in your story highlights the absurdity of the expectation. Am I warm, cold, anywhere near?

Philip


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cybercelt
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  Not sure if the remaining Jim was good, bad or "prison" Jim.
  To parrot what has been said the sequence feels like a part that's missing it's context. The Story is missing and only the event remains.
  From a zen perspective... yes.
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Zack
Posted: March 2nd, 2008, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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Really neat idea, but not very well executed. I got confused by the two Jims(am I the only one?), but I read it again and I got the gist of it. I was still alittle confused though. You should have used the remaining 5 pages you had to really flesh this out and polish it better.

It was well written, I'll give you that. Overall it has potential, but as it is I am disappointed.

I'll give it a D+

~Zack~


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Blakkwolfe
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I am the Lizard King...I can do anything (including fighting a clone of himself while in jail for, well, you know.)

So instead of Breakin' on through to the other side, we see personified Jim's internal struggle between good and evil. Good Jim triumphs and evil Jim winds up in a proverbial bathtub in Paris...People are strange, no doubt about that...Surreal little short that does take place in a prison and is not badly written, except for the choice of name...If you Did mean that Jim Morrison there should have been more references to his character and his music, otherwise, if you had no idea who he was (Lead singer and poetical lyricist for the Doors) it's an honest mistake in an okay short.

Completely off topic, my wife is a professor where Jim Morrison went to College when he lived in Clearwater.


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Takeshi
Posted: March 5th, 2008, 4:16am Report to Moderator
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There was an episode of The 80s Twilight Zone that was very similar to this. In that one Bruce Willis played a jerk who accidentally phoned his home whilst in a bar and his better self answered the phone. From that point on he literally began to fade away whilst his better self took over his life until eventually he disappeared all together and all that was left was the new him.

Anywho, this reminded of that. As for this story, I understand what was going on, but if the guards were in on it and realized that the Identical Jim had taken over from Jim, why did the Identical Jim still have to stay in jail?

Also,

On page one you wrote: ONCE IN THE CELL
You should have just written INT. CELL Ė DAY

And: The guardsí FOOTFALLS fade away.
Should have been: The sound of the guards footsteps fade away.

Iíll get told Iím being too picky now but you also had those annoying green lines under some of your words. To get rid of them all you need to do is right click on them with your mouse.  

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stebrown
Posted: March 6th, 2008, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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I think people have been a little harsh with this one. It's a very good idea and the formatting is pretty good for not using software.
Two pretty bad errors of the character name and the typo's but they can be overlooked for a challenge like this.
I found it an easy read and an interesting one too. I'd have preferred there to have been no body when the guards get back into the room, Identical Jim had just absorbed normal Jim. Other than that I really enjoyed it, well done.


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RobertSpence
Posted: March 7th, 2008, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, seems like you are just beginning to write in this medium because everything is very amaturish.

Firstly you are using semi colons when you don't need to use them.

If this is the voice of a judge, it seems unlikely to say he was "misguided by his friends".

"dump them now"?

"No one is going to here you". Should be hear.

"Jim spears", obviously a wrestling fan..

I will admit, I was shocked by this little twist, and I did like the idea. But at the end, I couldn't understand why he got changed, even though he was apparently "misguided" by his friends, this is a large contradiction. I think this script was rushed a lot, but is not the worst short I've read. Good premise, bad execution.


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GM
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Hey Guys,

Thanks for the reviews. Let me answer the major question. I did not know about Jim Morrison. The name literally popped into my mind when creating this piece. So, I appologize to the readers who thought this was about Jim (the musician).  I got to be more careful in what names to choose. lol.

This is going under a serious rewrite which would take into consideration the ideas you guys offered me. Hopefully, when I rewrite it, it will be simpler to understand. My ideas always gets complicated. lol.

Gabe
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