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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Creepville - A Halloween Tale Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OWC - Creepville - A Halloween Tale  (currently 2289 views)
Don
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Creepville - A Halloween Tale by Dan Druff - Short, Family Horror - The residents of Creepville, U.S.A. look forward to the Halloween festival. Will the new arrivals in town embrace the celebrations? - pdf, format


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MBCgirl
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked the idea behind this story....but it felt like you spent most of the time setting it up and not enough time to wrap it up and do it justice.  For me it went flat...  

Loved the characters and dialogue.  Very well done on that end.

Morgan


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
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alffy
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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I thought some of the dialogue was a little unnatural and clunky.  

The idea of the monster family was cool but I wonder how they were all different monsters, were the other resident families mixed too?

There were some funny moments in here, I always like a fart gag lol.  But overall I thought the ending was a little bit of a let down.


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stevie
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, this had some good moments. It seemed a little hurried at the end - maybe the writer was panicking to finish? I know I was!

I always look if the script stays close to the them, and this was pretty close.

Have to agree with alffy - fart jokes are always good value. And the kids love them!

Ok, first one down - 28 to go!


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Baltis.
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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I normally don't get into the OWC stuff, but since it's got a monopoly on the portal page I had to skim through them and weed the good from the bad... So far, I'm 0 for 5.

This is a bath room break. I couldn't fathom reading the absurd dialogue anymore past page 7. The sad thing, there was only 13 pages to the whole thing. The dialouge was forced and redundant. The story went nowhere. If I heard the word Turd one more time I was gonna click the x button and... Guess what? I did. So, in turn, I clicked the red x button.

Passable in every sense of the word.

It reminded me of shoddy Mad TV skit spoofing the Munsters or something. Which, in turn, MAD TV sucks monkey nuts so it in itself would be a spoof.
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Cam17
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one.  Sort of a clever spin on the Munsters where the humans are the weirdos.  I'm gonna guess the writer is a Brit or Aussie because of the spellings of humour and odour.  I wonder which one, though? Hmm.  Nice line about Cleveland in there.  Damm, my hometown can't even catch a break during an OWC.


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Tommyp
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 12:12am Report to Moderator
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This was a good story.

I liked it how the story was based on the "monsters" perspective instead of the humans, as most OWC entries are.

It worked well in accordance with the guidelines. My only advice is that there are too many characters introduced in a few lines at the start. Maybe introduce them when they have a line to say or an action.

Well done with this, funny stuff.


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grademan
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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This was okay esp. for a difficult OWC. Fast read. Cool idea that poor humans don't realize how ugly they are. Light  on the horror aspect except for the tsunami at the end. More of a playful feel to it.

Gary
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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This didn't do it for me, sorry to say.  I don't see any horror here either...more like a remake of The Munsters.

Like Balt, I too grew very weary of the fart and turd jokes.  Actually, I grew very weary of all the dialogue as it was really nothing more than 1 joke after another...all jokes we've heard again and again.

I guess viewed for what this actually is, it's not all bad, but I just don't get a glint of horror here and that means it's a no from me.

Good effort though.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  October 19th, 2009, 7:54pm
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Coding Herman
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm....a lot of comedy and almost no horror at all. Reads more like a family comedy/drama. Too much talking between family members with nothing much happening.

Sorry, nothing much to offer as the script didn't even try to fit the challenge.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Niles_Crane
Posted: October 20th, 2009, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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Really didn't like this one - as mentioned above, shows like "The Munsters" and "The Addams Family" have already explored this territory and done it much better.

A few years ago, there was an attempt to revive both these shows, and the results were very poor - childish and shoddy. I am afraid that this script reminded me more of that than the great originals.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 20th, 2009, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was really cute. No horror really, but it was saved by the good idea of what this turned out to be. The word "turd" did get overused, and it did take a while for everything to get set up, but you had some pretty good comedy in there. Especially the end when the human family realises where they are. That was great and it put a smile on my face. Unfortunately, it didn't last long, as the build up to it just took too long, and that scene only lasted a page. I was finished reading wanting more.

Sean


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 20th, 2009, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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A lot of style with very little substance; although the style that was there was quite fun, especially Mummy's longing for the Old Days in Egypt...

And is Cleveland really so bad? They have the R&R Hall of Fame, the Indians, if I remember the video correctly, a  local economy based only on LeBron James...

The Wolf Family seems to be pretty typical foil for this sort of story; might have been more fun if they had been like Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne moving next door. Some clever dialogue and description based on the monsters and their individual monstrosities, but suggest a little more than surface level insults. Would be a fun to see all the trippy visuals animated on Cartoon Network.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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steven8
Posted: October 22nd, 2009, 2:51am Report to Moderator
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Beyond the turd and fart jokes, I liked this.  I liked the Wolf family.  Good script.  This would make a good short, if we cut the turd and fart stuff, that is.  Most realistic Fall Festival yet!  
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malcolm3
Posted: October 22nd, 2009, 7:47am Report to Moderator
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I made the terrible mistake of reading the comments to this, before actually reading the script. I was reasonably determined not to like it.

Oh, dear. I must have a juvenile sense of humour. I thought it was quite good in places.

You managed to cram a lot in and if nothing else, brought a smile to my face.

Yeah... There wasn't that much horror. So what?

The turd jokes were overdone.

Should have kept to the werewolf rolling around in turds joke as a one off and use a different take on the mother (MUMMY)

Somewhere on the lines of - her bandages become unraveled - so does she. You get the idea.

Still... I enjoyed it.  Well done.

Marks out of 10 - 6 ish
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