2911.12 by Mark Lyons (rc1107) - Short - A down-and-out squatter seeks refuge in an abandoned house. 14 pages - pdf, format

Mark,

Overall, I thought this was a good, uplifting story.  I guess it's just the way my mind works but I kept expecting some nasty twist at the end.  Probably for the best that it didn't happen.

At 18 pages, this runs a bit long for what it accomplishes.  I think you probably could have made it just as compelling, maybe more so, if you pared it down to 12 pages or so.

Teddy's VO at the end runs for about two pages, which starts to get a little ponderous.

Not a good title, and I don't really understand its significance.

The final flashback left me confused.   We see Teddy pouring the beer down the drain as we hear his VO.  Is this really happening in the past?  I thought this was a shot of him in the near future, after he's conquered his personal demons.

Forgot "Out" after "Fade" at the end there.

I liked the script.  Moved right along, dialogue sounded natural, for the most part.  Just felt a bit padded, as I said.  But overall a good job.

Ryan

Hey Ryan,

Thank you very much for taking a look at this one for me.  This story kind of popped into my head when I was sitting on my front porch and actually counted all the houses in the neighborhood and realized more than half of them were empty.

As kind of a funny aside to the story, the house I actually used for Teddy to stay in was torn down about a week after I wrote this.  A weird coincidence I thought.

Quoted from Ryan1 I thought this was a good, uplifting story.  I guess it's just the way my mind works but I kept expecting some nasty twist at the end.

Lol.  Yeah, I have a couple of those nasty twists hanging around here and there.  I wanted to give a sense of redemption for this story, eventhough Teddy still ends up arrested at the end.  I have a part I cut out showing that Jonathan was a plasterer and has hocks and trowels and lathe and wire cutters to defend himself, but didn't want to push that too far.

Quoted from Ryan1 At 18 pages, this runs a bit long for what it accomplishes.  I think you probably could have made it just as compelling, maybe more so, if you pared it down to 12 pages or so

Yeah, I wanted to make this shorter, but couldn't really find anything to cut out without losing any of Jonathan's or Teddy's character or personality.  I figured out a compensation in that since most of this script is dialogue, it would probably cut the actual running time of this if it was actually filmed to around 13 or 14 minutes.  Hopefully it would, anyway.

Quoted from Ryan1 Not a good title, and I don't really understand its significance.

Damn you!  I love this title!  But I understand what you're saying, though.  It is a rather oblique reference.  Two-nine-eleven-point-two-one is Ohio's code for criminal trespassing.

Quoted from Ryan1 The final flashback left me confused.   We see Teddy pouring the beer down the drain as we hear his VO.  Is this really happening in the past?  I thought this was a shot of him in the near future, after he's conquered his personal demons.

Yeah, that's a flashback of what Teddy did the night he spent over Jonathan's.  He realized what he was going to do wasn't right and decided to change then and there.  Teddy won't be getting out of jail for awhile, actually.  Even with the redeemable note, true, Jonathan would've dropped the charges, but the state of Ohio would've picked them up and made it stick to get more money out of the situation and fines.  I had a scene showing where that happened, but decided to cut that at the risk of having a twenty-five pager.

Quoted from Ryan1 I liked the script.  Moved right along, dialogue sounded natural, for the most part.

thank you.  I'm glad you liked it.  I hate this, though.  I wrote this a couple months ago and went through the dialogue over and over and decided I liked it.  But now, I just went through the dialogue again and found a good amount of stuff I'd like to change.

But thank you again for checking this out for me.  I'll be seeing you around.

- Mark

Mark,

Kinda slow paced, but good.  Your dialogue spacing also looks a little off.  What program are you writing in?

Honestly I was expecting some hardcore thriller with shootings, stabbings, sex, blood, and profanity laced tirades.  What I got instead was, well, a nice story about forgiveness and a calm ending that I think delivered a good message.  

It did read slow, though.  Part of it is the description that I think could be tightened up in a lot of areas and some of the dialogue felt fluffy, like Teddy's final VO.  While I don't recommend necessarily chiseling down on that, I would go back and find ways to cut down on the surrounding action which, I think, inflates the page number.  

My shorts usually go long too, so I have that same problem ha-ha.  

But overall this was a nice story.  Good job.

Greg

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Don't pour it down the drain!!!!!!!!

But seriously Mark, a very nice little story...other than the wasted beer. The V.O. at then end worked for me, but could probably be shortened by a few lines. Once we got the point, we got the point.

I was confused by the names: both last names are Riley. a typo?

As script readers, we're all on the lookout for that final twist, but you certainly don't need them, especially if you're just trying to capture something quick, like in a short. You have your main plot turn, that was plenty. Good work.

Hey Mark, what up, man?  Just read this.

Powerful shit here, my friend, powerful shit!  Really liked the story, and have to say, it moved me.  20 minutes later, and I'm a bit teary eyed, which is rather rare for me.

As a script, it has problems, which I think you can easily fix.

As the 2 others noted, at 18 pages, it's long for a short.  But, IMO, that's based on 18 pages, cause this isn't 18 minutes of film...not even close.  It's overwritten, it's written more like a novel, or in this case, a short story.  As written, it's probably no more than 13 or 14 minutes, but it really should be no more than 12, as IMO, that's kind of the limit most have for both a read and a watch, of a short, filmed version.

You're providing too much detail in pretty much every scene.  You've got a bunch of orphans.  You've got alot of wasted time with Miss Lydia, who has no business being here, other than to show us that Jon's a god guy, but you could do that in a few lines, very easily.

You've got some Slug issues early on, and glaring ones, when Teddy gets into Jon's car, cause we're still in an EXT scene. These need major tightening up and attention.  Slugs should be your friends, cause they can give so much info in a single line and the way you're using them here, isn't working, IMO.

The stuff near the end with Teddy pissing is over detailed, confusing, and IMO, not necessary not all.

The VO with the note great, powerful, and the meat here, but again, just too long and drawn out.

Finally, you need to label the Flashback at the end...if you truly want it, and I don't think it adds anything at all, personally.

The title doesn't work, as no one will get it and IMO, it really doesn't even mean anything to the story.

You've got to cut this down to 12-13 pages, max, and IMO, you can easily do it.  You've got a wonderful, powerful story and message here.  It works and it comes off as something that could easily be taken to the next level.  Do that, and see where it goes.

Hope this helps.

Hey rc1107

Read this piece last night.

Good job IMO. Easy read and was able to visualize this pretty well.

Kind of expected some sort of major twist at the end. Not there and thats just fine.

Pretty straight forward story and well executed. Good job.

I thought this was a good story, though it did drag on a bit.  I disagree with Hugh about the twist at the end; I thought that the truth about Teddy was surprising and interesting enough.

I found your characters to be very realistic and developed, without being over the top.  They worked for me very well.

I think your dialog was a little on-the-nose after the cops were introduced.  You just started explaining everything in too much detail.

Oh, and the title doesn't work at all.  Most police departments use ten-codes, so people won't begin to imagine what your title means.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hey Mark,

Good to see you getting some sage advice from seasoned veterans.
I like the story, it's got that slow burn narrative tug most struggle to achieve.
It sets its own pace and unfolds with quiet confidence, that's good drama.

You've got the power in place, but there's some things dulling its strength.
Miss Lydia goes on too long, you can get her point across much sooner.

I don't get the title, at all. A good title can crystallize a theme for the reader.
Perhaps something about the night watch on guard duty or something.
Tie that into the surveillance that Teddy does on Johnathan.
Watching your enemy from a far, you think you know them, but you don't.
No matter what you read about them, it's not who that individual is.
But you still have to shoot, because it's what you've been trained to do.
Utilize that military subtext and I think it will help tighten the story.
Something like that will increase the power of your story tenfold.

Overall, this can be shorter. Or, rewrite dialogue using the aforementioned suggestion.
When I go back and reread it, Teddy doesn't seem to be firing on all cylinders.
He's not asking all the right questions to feel out this person he hates.
Setting up that subtext will make this sparkle.

Once again, you go for the resolution where no one gets to share in the revelation.
It seems to be a recurring theme in your stories that I've read.
Here, it's less obtrusive and more appropriate.
Biggest dialogue complaint is all the on the nose business with the cop.
Maybe the cop and Johnathan are friends.
The cop takes his buddy to Teddy's place, let us discover it with your protag.
Reveal the daggers earlier for sure, but everything else comes at the end.
You don't need the surveillance stuff in the middle.
It somewhat detracts from the synergy Teddy and Johnathan have.

Hope this helps, I like this story, very solid work.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks everybody for taking a look at this.  Sorry I didn't have time this morning to leave any replies.  I got a lot of making up to do now.

Quoted from Greg Your dialogue spacing also looks a little off.  What program are you writing in?

Lol.  Actually Microsoft Word Processor right now.  I'm going to be downloading one of the software programs offline, though.  Hopefully it'll fix some stuff up because there's been a couple mentions now of spacing being off.

Quoted from Greg Honestly I was expecting some hardcore thriller with shootings, stabbings, sex, blood, and profanity laced tirades.

You've been reading my other stories on SS, haven't you?  :-)

Quoted from Greg the description that I think could be tightened up in a lot of areas

I do a lot of prose stories and I'm still trying to find that line between prose writing and screenwriting.  I realize the main difference is that in screenwriting, you have to trust your audience to get the image in their head for themselves, while in prose, your audience expects you to get them inside the characters' heads.

That's going to take a lot of discipline for me to get used to that.

Quoted from Greg a nice story about forgiveness and a calm ending that I think delivered a good message.

Thank you again for taking a look through this.  I'm glad you liked it.

Hey Kevin.

Quoted from leitskev Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Don't pour it down the drain!!!!!!!!

Heartwrenching, ain't it?  Most depressing thing I've ever written.  :-)  You know I was truly in my character's head because I would never think of doing anything as messed up as that.

But I got through it, because even though I just said 'cheap' beer in the description, it was Schaeffer's in my head, (which is like dumping just water down the drain anyway.)

Quoted from leitskev I was confused by the names: both last names are Riley. a typo?

Shoot!  Son of a Bee!  Yeah, I missed that.  It's supposed to be Jonathan Riley and Teddy Oliver, then we see that Jonathan had killed Katie Oliver in a DUI accident years and years ago.


Thanks, Kev, for taking a look at this one.  I'm really happy to see the concensus is that everybody seems to be enjoying this one.  (I don't know if 'concensus' is spelled right, and I have too many windows open right now to check dictionary.com, but I promise I'll check and edit later.)  Glad you liked it.

I drank Schaeffer all through college. It was a dollar more a case than the cheapest, which was Red White and Blue. I never could afford a case of Budweiser until I started bartending. So...I have a warm spot for Schaeffer!

Hey Jeff.

Nothing too much up here in my part of the woods.  How's yours been doing?
Sorry, I was trying to get to your post lastnight, but I've been working some open to closes and had to hit the hay early.

Quoted from dreamscale Powerful shit here, my friend, powerful shit!  Really liked the story, and have to say, it moved me.  20 minutes later, and I'm a bit teary eyed, which is rather rare for me.

Thank you very much for reading this, and the kind words.  Really, you'd be surprised how much that lifted my day.

Quoted from dreamscale at 18 pages, it's long for a short   ....   You're providing too much detail in pretty much every scene.  You've got a bunch of orphans.  You've got alot of wasted time with Miss Lydia, who has no business being here, other than to show us that Jon's a god guy.

Yeah, I'm still trying to pare my writing down.  I'm so used to writing prose and trying to convey visuals...  I have to just get the idea in my head that a street's just a street, and not use flowery words to describe that it's fall and stuff like that.  If I write a story straight into screenplay form, I don't seem to have that problem too much, but when I work turning a prose story into a screenplay, I get insecure about losing textured descriptions.

I should've seen before that Miss Lydia could've been cut, or just have a shot of her looking out her window noticing Teddy.  I only used her as a catalyst for Jonathan to get Teddy out of the vacant house as quick as possible, but all she really did was add clutter to the first page.

Quoted from dreamscale You've got some Slug issues early on, and glaring ones

I'm going to have to go back and dust off some old books to learn about slugs, cause I've gotten a couple 'heads-ups' that my slugs are off.  I've never really paid attention to them honestly (even when I read, I don't even examine them too well.)  So I think I'm missing something really important about them that could probably make my screenwriting a lot smoother.

Quoted from dreamscale The stuff near the end with Teddy pissing is over detailed, confusing, and IMO, not necessary not all.

That was a quick little thing I added in at the last minute because in the moment, I kind of wanted something to make it seem like, 'all right, Teddy's about to make his move.'  Just add some suspense really.  I should've analyzed it a lot more than I did.

Quoted from dreamscale Finally, you need to label the Flashback at the end...if you truly want it, and I don't think it adds anything at all, personally.

It is labeled as a flashback.  Did you mean that I formatted for the flashback wrong, though?  I think I've formatted my flashbacks differently in every script I've written, just trying to get a feel for what works best for me in how to label them.  (I don't like using flashbacks in the first place, unless I think they can be utilized in a unique way).

I wasn't too sure exactly how (or where) to end the story.  The short story kind of trails on a little bit longer and tells more about what exactly happens to Teddy, but writing the screenplay, I wanted the story to end with that image of Teddy pouring the alcohol down the sink.  (Kind of a sign that even though shit's happened, he's still going to move on in life with a positive attitude.)

Quoted from JC Cleveland The title doesn't work, as no one will get it and IMO, it really doesn't even mean anything to the story.

Truth is, I totally racked my brain for a week or two after I wrote this trying to think of a title, and I came up with squat.  Literally, an early prose version of this was titled 'Squat'.  Well, I didn't want anybody to think this was one of my disgusting torture porn ventures about scat or anything, so I ditched that title.  'Thanksgiving' crossed my mind briefly, but I tossed it aside because I already have a feature called that and I plan on rewriting it pretty soon (If I can find it.  I only had a paper version of it and I think it got tossed out.)

Then, somebody broke into the abandoned house next to me and I heard the cop refer to that code.  I had to look it up.

Honestly, after I heard him say that and I looked it up, it seemed like magic hit me and I was like 'There it is!  The perfect title!'.  It's amazing how great we think an idea can be, but how wrong we actually are.


Well thank you again, Jeff, for taking the time to break this one down for me.  It's much appreciated and I'm really glad you liked it.  I'll be seeing you around.  I haven't been able to do much reading this past week or two besides the challenges, but I got some time off coming and I should be able to do a lot of reading this week.  So I'll be seeing you around.

- Mark

Hey Mr. Hoyland,

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland Good job IMO. Easy read and was able to visualize this pretty well. Kind of expected some sort of major twist at the end. Not there and thats just fine. Pretty straight forward story and well executed. Good job.

Thank you for taking a read through this.  Glad you saw it playing out clearly in your mind.  I do admit I'm a huge culprit of overwriting, but I still smile when I hear people say they visualize everything pretty easily.  Thanks again.

Hey Phil,

I have a poker tournament coming up next week I won my way into, so hopefully I'll be able to send something over to help 'Bad Penguin' get made.  (Considering I've bombed the tournament the past eight times I've played in it, don't expect too much, though.)  But my thoughts and sentiments are there nonetheless.

Quoted from dogglebe I thought this was a good story, though it did drag on a bit.

Yeah, I wasn't too sure exactly where I wanted to end this one.  There were more scenes I had written for it but knew that it was getting unacceptable and decided to cut it there, and I can see where I can cut it throughout the story, also, to help the pacing.

Quoted from dogglebe I disagree with Hugh about the twist at the end; I thought that the truth about Teddy was surprising and interesting enough.

Thank you.  I think that because there was so much of an expectation of a showdown between Jonathan and Teddy, that if they did go at it, then that wouldn't have been a twist at all, because everyone expected the story to go there.  That would've been just a straightforward ending in my eyes.

Quoted from dogglebe I found your characters to be very realistic and developed, without being over the top.  They worked for me very well.

One thing I was really worried about, besides them being over the top or melodramatic, was I didn't want them to sound the same.  I think while I was writing, I realized I was putting myself too much in both their shoes and they had both gotten a little bit too much like I would talk myself and I wasn't separating their voices clearly enough.  I went back and reworked it, so I'm really happy to see that you think they were realistic.

Quoted from dogglebe I think your dialog was a little on-the-nose after the cops were introduced.  You just started explaining everything in too much detail.

I am never bringing cops or the law into any of my stories ever again!  I have a real problem writing cops for some reason, and I use them so boringly and they're just there for filler to explain stuff and because logically, they have to be there.  It's been like that in a few of my stories.  The story just stales with them in it because I use them so exact, and I just can't shake that staleness out of them for some reason.

Quoted from dogglebe Oh, and the title doesn't work at all.  Most police departments use ten-codes, so people won't begin to imagine what your title means.

Yeah, I was telling Jeff about it earlier, I was having a real hard time trying to come up with a title for this, and nothing I was coming up with sounded remotely good.  Then, I heard the reference to the criminal charge for it and honestly, I thought it was great.  I was so offput by not coming up with a title, that it felt like lightning when it hit.  (Ahh, the delusions of grandeur.)


Thank you again very much for reading this one for me, Phil.  I appreciate it greatly and I'm glad it worked for you.

I'll be seeing you around.

- Mark