Misery Loves Company by James McClung - Short, Drama, Noir - A contract killer's past demons come to roost when her latest client calls off a hit on an adulterous husband. 16 pages - pdf, format

Hey everyone. This is my first new script in a really long time. I wrote it specifically as a project to direct myself. I'm aiming to shoot it in early 2012. I want to get the script as tight as possible before starting preproduction, lest it become the nebulous, ever-changing entity that constantly blindsides and confuses everyone involved, as has been the case with most productions I've worked on. That said, feedback would be much appreciated.

Hey James

Found the story interesting.

I'm confused when you write about Misery's fantasy. it's not so much of format but why? I thought that the fantasy shots were Misery's way of preparation. But I don't think so. Mind explaining that or remove it. I would say the later since it would be much better.

Anyway other that I enjoyed it. I like the tone. I like the characters. It looks easily film-able. Good luck with it.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hey Gabe.

The fantasy shots are Misery considering different methods of how to go about her mission. They're meant to serve as visual punch as the story is mostly low key and dialogue-driven. It's also meant to show Misery casing the place so no one thinks this is the night where Misery intends to kill Neal.

Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.

Hey James

I think you can eliminate those in my opinion. It got confusing when you have it intercut with Marion. Or treat the fantasy shots as something separate?  

I'm honestly not sure exactly how it's confusing. Could you elaborate?

Hey James

An excerpt:

EXT. MARION�S HOUSE, TERRACE � NIGHT
Misery creeps onto the darkened stone, dressed in black with a hood and rubber gloves. She approaches a window with a door beside it. A darkened bathroom lies beyond.

INT. MARION�S HOUSE, BATHROOM � NIGHT (FANTASY)
Misery sprays Freon on the glass and smashes it with her elbow. She reaches in, unlocks the window and climbs in.

As it is written, only the reader would know that the bathroom scene is a fantasy. How will the audience know? I know you write the back to scene,  but I think it will be better to hint at the transition mark.  

What I'm getting at is that maybe you can indicate she's imagining how she can assassinate Neil. Have her furrow her eyebrows to let us see she's thinking and then go to the bathroom scene. I guess I'm asking you to be too specific. Just me.

Other than that, I enjoyed it.

Gabe

Misery Loves Company

Good to see you writing again.

This was a bit muddled for me. Too much jumping between people and fantasy (how many occasions does Neal need to be shot?)

Good visuals (loved the drill) and clear writing for each scene but how they fit together eluded me. If I hadn’t read your comment to Gabe I wouldn’t have realized about the trial run.

Here’s what I got:

Todd & Misery (Todd cheats with Joyce)
Neal & Marion (Neal cheats with unknown)
Marion contracts hit on Neal by Misery but calls it off.

Misery feels women are weak who let husbands cheat, so even after Misery is paid for cancelled job she kills Neal and Marion just as she kills her husband and Joyce.

I wasn’t aware of any past demons in Misery’s life that came home to roost. I just thought she was one crazy bitch who liked dead company.

fwiw,

Gary

I read this when it first came out, but I wanted to let it percolate. I don't have too much to add, but I can expand on what Gary said. It's not just that Marion is weak that bothers Misery. She sees Marion as an enabler, so in a way blames her for Todd's transgressions. Not directly, of course, but just in the general sense that women like this, in her opinion, are contributing to the problem of men cheating on their wives by forgiving them. That was my interpretation anyway.

I was definitely wondering while I was reading this how it was going to be apparent to the audience that the flashes were fantasy. But as James is shooting this himself, I figured he had something in mind to clue the viewer.

All I have to contribute at the moment,  but I will keep thinking it over.

James, I really enjoyed the script, a lot.  

I understand what you were doing with the Fantasy aspects as well, and thought it added a unique element to the story.  

Misery is aptly named, and she is a great character that I can see go quite far beyond this tale...

The bullet retrieval scene was as gruesome as it was genius, I've never seen or read that in a movie before, yet it makes complete sense for a truly professional killer.  

Great job man, keep this one going.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley As it is written, only the reader would know that the bathroom scene is a fantasy. How will the audience know? I know you write the back to scene,  but I think it will be better to hint at the transition mark.   What I'm getting at is that maybe you can indicate she's imagining how she can assassinate Neil. Have her furrow her eyebrows to let us see she's thinking and then go to the bathroom scene. I guess I'm asking you to be too specific. Just me.

I gotcha.

The best comparison I can make would be the pit fight scene in Sherlock Homes where Sherlock premeditates all his moves before he carries them out.

I'm pretty confident I can shoot it in a way that makes sense. I think it's one of those things that works better onscreen than on paper. I'll see if I can tweak it though.

Quoted from grademan Misery Loves Company Good to see you writing again. This was a bit muddled for me. Too much jumping between people and fantasy (how many occasions does Neal need to be shot?) Good visuals (loved the drill) and clear writing for each scene but how they fit together eluded me. If I hadn’t read your comment to Gabe I wouldn’t have realized about the trial run. Here’s what I got: Todd & Misery (Todd cheats with Joyce) Neal & Marion (Neal cheats with unknown) Marion contracts hit on Neal by Misery but calls it off. Misery feels women are weak who let husbands cheat, so even after Misery is paid for cancelled job she kills Neal and Marion just as she kills her husband and Joyce. I wasn’t aware of any past demons in Misery’s life that came home to roost. I just thought she was one crazy bitch who liked dead company. fwiw, Gary

Thanks for the read, Gary. You've definitely given me a sense of what needs work.

As far as personal demons go, I tried to give a sense that Misery might not necessarily be happy with her decision to kill her husband (as opposed to forgiving him) or is at least unsure about it. I also wanted to hint (and will go back and try to clarify) that her murdering her husband happens before she becomes a contract killer, almost to validate her own decision.

Because Marion decides to forgive her husband, she invalidates Misery's decision and is taking a road Misery might entertain as preferable to what she actually did in her own. So... Marion's gotta die.

The story's about carrying baggage, really. It's not something I want to spell out for everyone. I prefer inference so as to treat an audience like they're smart and invested and also allow the story to be taken at face value as well as allegory. But if you have any suggestions as to how to bring this more to the forefront, I'd be interested in hearing them.

As for you other guys, thanks for the feedback as well. Kevin, that's definitely a pointed interpretation and among many things that were going through my mind at the time I wrote this.

Hey James, good to see a new script from you.  You know I think you're a very good writer...but I'm sorry to say, I don't like much about this and see lots and lots of problems of every kind imaginable.  If I didn't know you wrote this, I'd never guess it, based on all these issues.

IMO, the actual writing is very weak, filled with awkward phrasing, poor sentence construction, missing punctuation, not at all visual, poor Slugs, technical issues, and strange non linear structure, including "fantasy" scenes that add nothing and really make for a difficult read.  The characters also don't work at all for me, nor do their actions, reactions, and most of all, their dialogue, which I found to be pretty downright poor and unrealistic.

The story doesn't work for me either, nor does it make alot of sense, when you get right down to it.

Let's have at it...

So we start out with our main character, Misery, as she watches a man and woman enter a motel.  This "scene" isn't described well at all, and I cannot for the life of me picture the layout here.  Basically, the first 2 1/2 pages take place either inside Misery's car or in this motel parking lot.  Page 2 is entirely dialogue (although you've used an "intercut" between them and Misery for some reason.  The dialogue itself just doesn't work and comes off as very unrealistic, IMO.

There are some really awkward lines on Page 3, and I want to note them so you understand where I'm coming from in my earlier comments on such.

"The couple parts. Todd, around the corner. Joyce, toward a nearby room." - You've broken this up into 3 sentences, but you have to see how awkwardly this reads together...hopefully.

"Misery follows Joyce alongside the trees. Joyce stops and enters the room. Misery continues to her car." - Again, very awkward and unclear, and keep in mind this scene is supposedly set as "PARKING LOT".  I cannot picture this at all the way its written.

"Misery shuts the glove box, the door and disappears O.S." - Again, very awkwardly phrased and the "disappears O.S." part is just...well...just not good.

OK, back to the story...enough about the awkward writing.

So, next we go to a "DAY" scene and for some really odd reason, you throw in that the "TITLE SEQUENCE" plays out over this new scene, 1/5th of the way through the entire script.  I understand you want to film this yourself, but for me, it's odd.

The scene in Misery's car is basically 2 HUGE dialogue blasts from Marion and nothing from Misery.  Maybe I'm reading too much into this here, but I had to stop and think to myself, how possibly Marion and Misery first got together, and also, where Marion got the photos of her hubby banging some other babe.  Just doesn't ring true or add up for me.

Then, we shift to a "NIGHT" scene again, and Misery's creeping around Marion's house.  Kind of a startling transition which doesn't work at all for me.

Then, even stranger, we go inside Marion's house with "FANTASY" included in the actual Slug, yet, both sentences are clearly happening outside the house, still.  This is not an "INT" scene.

Then, in the continued fantasy scene, Misery kills Neal...but in a filmed version, how in the world will we know this isn't really happening?  Or better yet, why is this fantasy scene even here?  What does it offer, other than confusion?

Then, on Page 5, we get a Mini Slug of "FANTASY", followed by a SERIES OF SHOTS, all of which don't mean anything or add anything, other than complete confusion again.  The formatting's wrong and the general idea here doesn't work at all, as far as I'm concerned.  Then we go back to an actual Slug, again with "FANTASY" as part of it, and we get another fake kill.

All these "BACK TO SCENE" things aren't correct, either, but that's another issue I've brought up time and time again, about writing "FLASHBACKS", so what more can I say?

Then, we go to another "INT" scene, which has Misery creeping around outside again (incorrect), followed by Marion inside now.  WTF?  And back to another Mini Slug labeled as "FANTASY", with Neal again being killed.  HUH?

"BACK TO SCENE" again, which is still INT, yet here we are outside again, with Misery.  This stuff is all incorrectly done and shockingly confusing.

OK...Neal comes home and Misery hears their conversation.  Damn...I'm glad we're done with that scene...or "those" scenes.

Now we jump back to this other parking lot scene, which we now know is totally taking place at a completely different time.  We go back and forth between the INT MOTEL ROOM scene and this "PARKING LOT" scene, which really doesn't make sense to me again, as the parking lot and "just outside the motel room" are not 1 and the same thing.

The actual action of the attack doesn't work for me either.  Misery hits her in the "skull", her "eye socket", and her "chin".  I always groan at such detail...especially the eye socket thing.

Back we go to the prior scene and we get some more HUGE dialogue blocks of unrealistic dialogue.

And then, back to another totally different scene and time.  We're just jumping back and forth in time, and I don't see the reason for it, other than to purposely confuse the reader.

Back we jump to the old parking lot scene, but now it's labeled as "MOTEL".  Hmmm...and where do we go from here?  Well, in reality, we go into the scene that was labeled as "MOTEL ROOM" a few pages ago, but now it's labeled as "HOTEL", of all things.  WTF?

So, Misery easily takes Todd out, somehow.  Todd must sure be some little wuss, cause he puts up absolutely zero fight here against what you'd think would be a much less powerful female foe.  Totally unbelievable for me.  Misery can indeed win this battle, but there's got to be some fight in pitiful, little Todd.

And the dialogue exchange here, again, just isn't remotely realistic.  Why would Todd not try and defend himself?  Why would he just lie there and answer questions so pathetically?  Why not at least try and block the path of this small, easy to defend weapon coming at your chest?  Just doesn't work at all.

OK, back to Marion's house, but we have no clue what order things are happening in, do we?  Misery shoots both Neal and Marion multiple times, with one shot going directly into Marion's heart (again, this kind of detail is cringe inducing to me).

Then...then, we get a very detailed, long scene in which Misery drills out the bullets of her victims, and places them in containers.  OK, James, this may be a cool visual, as peeps have noted, but it's also completely unnecessary, very expensive and difficult to pull off realistically, and finally, just not believable.  I mean, I understand about forensics and the like, but we are unaware of any other kills in which Misery would have to worry about ballistics.  Is she really a professional hit woman who takes on a bunch of kills in this neighborhood?  Other than the "cool" gore factor here, it's a waste to me and really strains to be believed.

Next, she professionally disposes of all the evidence, then we're back to the motel scene again, only this time, the Slug reads, "MOTEL", which is the 3rd different Slug you've used for the exact same location and scene.

I know this is a harsh review and I do apologize for that.  I had a really shitty round of golf yesterday and maybe that's influencing the tone here.  I do stand by everything I brought up though and feel like this needs alot of work first of all, writing-wise, but also alot of thought in exactly what you're after and how in the world you'd be able to shoot this yourself on a tiny, non existent budget.  I don't see how it could be one.

Sorry for being harsh, but hope it all makes sense and helps in the long run.

Hey Jeff. Thanks for the read. No need to apologize for the review. You backed up what you said and frankly, your reputation's already sealed in stone; I know how to take it, more or less. I do however have an inkling that a shitty round of golf might have had some influence. I say that not because you were overly harsh but because a couple of folks recently explained to me how golf is essentially the most stressful sport in existence. You have my sympathies.

Anyway, you've written a lot so I'm just going to say that I intend to go through the script and apply your comments where they need applying. Just because I'm directing it doesn't mean it's an excuse for poor writing. I will, however, say that I don't like shorts and it was very hard to come up with something that was simple but that could potentially represent me as an auteur. This is just the early stages of the script. I'm well aware that it needs work and don't intend to go ahead with the film if it's not in good shape.

That said, one thing you definitely need not worry about is what I'm going to do with the film. The budget will not be non-existent. I'm not paying for this out of my own pocket (we'll have investors). We will have quality equipment and people who know what they're doing. I already know the crew and what they're capable of and have faith in their abilities. Finally, as big a job as it is (and it is... seriously), I think I've been on enough sets and seen enough incompetent people fuck up as well as seen enough professionals work some magic to have at least a sense of how to run an efficient production that yields artistic merit.

Thanks again.