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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Grief - produced! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Grief - produced!  (currently 3934 views)
Don
Posted: September 27th, 2011, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Grief by D. Ross Kellett - Short, Ghost Story - A young girl claims to communicate with the ghost of her dead mother. The truth is something much more interesting. 8 pages - pdf, format




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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 25th, 2012, 2:57pm
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Sham
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Impressive!

Concise, fluid writing with a nice little twist.

I think this could use an extra scene showing Henry and his inability to cope with his wife's death. It would help your audience understand Emma's motivation a little more at the end.

Really nice work, though.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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I think the writing is really good. Iím not so enthusiastic about the twist at the end. Iíve grown weary of all the forced twists. I do commend you for trying to be fresh about it. It is a fresh twist, just feels a little forced to me.

It would make a nice little short and wouldnít be all that difficult to produce. In fact, the visual is just the type of thing I personally might try to pull off in a film. Iím surprised more up and coming filmmakers donít try these types of visuals.

Good luck with it.


Breanne


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This is excellent, Ross. I enjoyed the read.

I liked the girl's indifferent kind of tone in the beginning.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Yep, this is well written and even well conceived, IMO.

I don't understand how someone can say the twist is forced, as the twist here, is the entire reason the script exists.  The entire script is written around the twist.  Emma has powers that are not revealed immediately, thus, the twist at the end.

On a first and quick read, it all works quite well, IMO, but there are some issues if you spend a minute or 2 thinking about what you just read, though.

Biggest concern is how Dr. Freeman knows that Emma has this power all of a sudden.  I mean throwing a pencil at an 8 year old patient, aiming for her eye, would usually lead to a pretty bad situation.  If he's wrong, he's fucked.  What clued him in?

The other issue is the Flashback itself.  It's obviously not coming from any 1 person's memory (Emma), as it takes place in 2 separate rooms, when  1 or 2 characters were present - Emma was not inside Henry's room and the door was closed, so she couldn't see anything, and I'm not even sure how she could control an object she can't see (but that's a different issue entirely).  So, I think we're to assume that this Flashback serves as visual info, while Emma is telling Dr. Freeman this little tale, so it doesn't quite jive.

Finally, IMO, the actual Flashback formatting isn't great. I know many do it this way, but there's a better way that is much more clear and direct and doesn't alter the Slugs, as it shouldn't.  Simply use "BEGIN FLASHBACK:" on top of the Slug where it begins, and then "END FLASHBACK.: when  it's over.  You won't even need a new Slug, because you're still in the one before the Flashback began.

I do like this script, though.  Nice to see a well written script every now and then.  It's a unique take that works well.  Good job!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I don't understand how someone can say the twist is forced, as the twist here, is the entire reason the script exists.  The entire script is written around the twist.


Just because the story revolves around a twist doesnít mean the twist isnít forced. And a forced twist isnít necessarily a bad thing.

I think the script is very well written and I applaud the authorís efforts. I feel certain that Duncan will understand what I mean. As for whether or not you ever will, I canít say.


Breanne


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson
I feel certain that Duncan will understand what I mean. As for whether or not you ever will, I canít say.Breanne


OK, Breanne...thanks for that little jab.  That's cute.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Dreamscale


On a first and quick read, it all works quite well, IMO, but there are some issues if you spend a minute or 2 thinking about what you just read, though.

Biggest concern is how Dr. Freeman knows that Emma has this power all of a sudden.  I mean throwing a pencil at an 8 year old patient, aiming for her eye, would usually lead to a pretty bad situation.  If he's wrong, he's fucked.  What clued him in?



It's really weird, Jeff. Because that's what I was thinking, at first when I read it, but I didn't really clue in enough to make a mention of that fact.

It's a really good observation on your part that it nudged you enough to make the comment.

What I had thought when I read it, was that the therapist had a "prior" relationship with the girl as a patient even before her mother had died. But I guess that was just me reading things into the script.

I understand your point though. It's legitimate.

Sandra




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Andrew
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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This is an interesting short. The subject matter is obviously heavy, but you handle it deftly. For me, the ending works better with no acknowledgment that Emma's lying about her mother's presence. Ambiguous responses would leave a greater impact than her simply 'fessing up. It would also fit more easily with the fact she is there. Who sent her there? Presumably not her father after she comforted him. He obviously wouldn't now send her. So that's a logic gap you could fill with actual questions left unanswered about her sanity and her mother being there a reality. Whilst I like the device, i.e. her skill, I think it should fit into a wider ambiguity, as I say.

Good work, though.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Andrew
This is an interesting short. The subject matter is obviously heavy, but you handle it deftly. For me, the ending works better with no acknowledgment that Emma's lying about her mother's presence. Ambiguous responses would leave a greater impact than her simply 'fessing up. It would also fit more easily with the fact she is there. Who sent her there? Presumably not her father after she comforted him. He obviously wouldn't now send her. So that's a logic gap you could fill with actual questions left unanswered about her sanity and her mother being there a reality. Whilst I like the device, i.e. her skill, I think it should fit into a wider ambiguity, as I say.

Good work, though.


I'm thinking that we're all over-thinking this. Perhaps it's just very straight forward.

A father is concerned = He sends her to a therapist.

The therapist is intuitive = He throws the pencil to make sure his suspicions are correct.

There. It's solid and golden.

Now if only I could get my scripts to be that solid and golden with a little bit more thinking.

Sandra



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TheSecond
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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I still feel like its missing something.  You know?  Anyone?  

Its like a great snapshot that has a piece of it cut out.  
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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Like others I enjoyed this and it flowed well. Nice not to have a dark ending for once.

My key issues is a bit like DS. The therapist meets a girl who can make items fly. But that's fine, see you next week! I think my reaction would be a touch different.

Good stuff.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Maybe none of this matters in the least, as the writer hasn't shown up.


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TheSecond
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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It reads like an intro to an X-Men type character.  
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darrentomalin
Posted: October 1st, 2011, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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Very well written and a great concept.
The little girl is fantastically bought to life but felt that the therapist and father were a little stiff. The therapist's reaction was too understated (maybe he is used to dealing with "gifted" children?)
I feel it could do with a couple of extra pages, a bit more detail but that's just me!
I enjoyed the read but it did go a bit Steven King with the floating ring and I did groan a little bit when that happened.
But is is a very solid foundation for something grander and the writer deffinitely has talent.
Good job
Daz


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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