Animal Magic by Anthony Cawood (writing as Johnnie Morris) - Short, Comedy - He can talk to the animals, walk with the animals, get them to do his bidding even... but can his power help him get laid? 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, writer.

It held my attention throughout and I was quite curious to actually see if he does get laid.

He didn't do much about it and he doesn't look that horny - that's not good. You should clearly state that he is I think.
So, he asks a chimp for a banana, the chim gives him a banana and she thinks he can talk to animals? We wouldn't understand the animals get him from it. Looks like the chimps know that command. Now if he told a snake to get off a tree perhaps.... But chimps - they know this type of command. It's no big deal that part could be easily rewritten.

The thing that didn't satisfy me is the ending - the dog jumps him up, I don't know, it's funny, but not very satisfying. The whole piece looks like it lacks on story a bit in my opinion.

Seems more of the wit is written as an aside rather than in the action or dialogue. Perhaps the chimpanzees interpreting the moment and saying the suggestive things would work better, at least this way, the viewer could also be a party to the young perv's suggestive thoughts.

Good effort. The solid basis of a story is here and with some tweaks this could be a good one. Nice work.

Seems to me that Max hasn't given a lot of thought to what the potentials of his power might be. Which is kind of pointed out by her. Kinda saw the end coming.

Solid. Not so funny for me.

SPOILERS

So the power is the command of animals - but only through cursing.  A Dr. Dolittle with a twist.

For me, when I got to the end my first thought was that this had to be one where the punchline came first and the story second.  At the moment the punchline was delivered (and the resultant response from the pet) - I thought - clever.

A lot of unfilmable asides used in this one. Actually,  I'm okay with that, my problem for me was that I thought the asides were better written than other parts of the script.  I also think that there was some missed comedy potential in the MILF and the boy talking about what specifically qualifies as a curse word.

Anyway - met the criteria. Relatively solid writing for the time constraints. Thought that there was some missed opportunities for comedy.  

It was funny.  But, the entire problem that I had with the OWC was evident in this story.  It seems like a big wind up to the joke climax, for lack of a better choice of word.  

It seemed like a joke played out.  And I agree, getting a chimp to toss a banana isn't shocking.  You should have a tougher connection, perhaps have a giraffe save a cat in a tree or something.  

It was a good effort, but, like I said, it was almost telegraphed as one big long joke.

6.5/10

The asides seem to be more funny than the script itself. Pretty obvious the dog was gonna hump him.

Overall it was pretty good.. a few typos but it is the owc after all

Good job on entering

Johnny Morris,

This was ok. Like a few already, just not my sense of humour. But that's ok. It was pretty well written. Some of the action lines were funny. I suppose on screen this would probably get a chuckle. When does a dog humping a man not?

Not bad.

Glenn.

Not bad. Like most of these entries, it needs way more humour. A 6 page comedy should drip with the funny juice!  But fair effort i spose

3 laughs out of 10

As I started reading this, my heart sank. Most of the comedy is coming from the writer's asides and self awareness- neither of which contributes to the story and could just get to the point. Then comes the actions which are filler by themselves and have no meaning ("shrugs" "laughs" "nods")

Quoted Text Max believes MILFs actually exists outside of porn and are just waiting to meet him.

Unless he says it in a voice over/word balloon or wears such a slogan on a shirt, we have no way of knowing this.

Nice effort I 'spose. I gave up by page 4.

Well crafted, solid writing and good idea. Just needed to be a bit funnier I guess, as summed up with Stevie's "dripping with funny juice" comment...now that's a visual

Attack of the witty asides!  Really?  In a pisser, sure, throw them out, but make sure they're actually pisser quality funny - these ain't.

Dialogue is pisser quality, but I'm not sure it's intended to be.  Max and Paula must have both had lobotomies recently.

So overwritten and nothing taking place, but I'll wait for the punchline I know will be coming right at the end...

Redonkulous, but cute, actually.  I don't think it really qualifies as having any superhero, but not half bad.

Writer,

Kinda liked this. Well set up, to the point and not a chore to read. And the little red thing between Bruno's legs made me laugh out loud. Good job then. I was thinking Paula was gonna get dogged? An I wrong there? Would've been a funny scene if that shit went down and just holding on Max's face would've been a good comedy opportunity nod hearing some, et, noises in the bg! Anyway, good job!

Steve

I read it and it was OK.  Seems Max is doltish since he can't control his speech.  I liked Paula better.  

I rather liked this. Good logline as well.

I didn't see the end coming...whoops...which was funny.

Yeah, needs a tidy etc and yeah a chunk of the humour is in the asides, but I think this could come across in the filming.

Good effort for a week.