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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  A.M.A. - OWC
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  Author    A.M.A. - OWC  (currently 3265 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A.M.A. by Deep Blue - Short, Sci Fi - Meet A.M.A., the latest in self-driving car technology! She’ll get you where you need to go in comfort and style. She anticipates the flow of traffic for a speedy arrival. She’ll engage you in pleasant conversation to pass the time. And SO MUCH MORE!!! - pdf, format


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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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The logline needs work - but did not grade the script on that basis it's an OWC after all.

Very much liked the concept. Interesting and worth the read.

The Protag carrying on about the "who you would save" in a crash scenario with AMA seemed a little out of place once Gary realizes that this is not your normal machine. I think he would have given up on that line of questioning. Just went to the well once or twice too often there.

That is a minor criticism - overall this is a solid script with an unique story.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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Nice story. The most complete I've read so far.

Visually not the most interesting, but a well-rounded, well written piece that I suspect will be amongst my favourites.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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This loaded just fine on my iPhone, but is taking unusually long on my PC.

P1 Bold slugs. Not industry standard, but some people like them. I'll just bite my tongue.  

"on the sidewalk," should be capitalized.

Normally, you'd want a colon in between "sleek futuristic-looking"

I wasn't sure how AMA was gonna be pronounced. A-M-A (like the American Music Awards)? Ama (like Amy)? Amma (like Emma)?

P2 Cool 80%??? I'd freeze to death!   But that's just me.

Code

                AMA (V.O.)
        I noticed you have a laptop and
        mobile device. I am equipped with [a]
        WiFi hotspot that you may access
        free of charge.



I think there's a missing word somewhere. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Code

                AMA (V.O.)
        All rides are monitored, yes. Would
        you like [to] connect to free WiFi?



Obviously a missing word.

P4 I had to Google this so-called Trolley Problem. I know what a trolley is, but I've never heard of this Problem.

*POTENTIAL SPOILERS*

P4 Ah! Garry dodges the "first marriage" question and changes the subject. Didn't dawn on me when I first read it.

P6 Knowing now what I didn't upon first read, wow, it's no wonder Garry wanted off WiFi.

Code

All the doors AUTO-LOCK and the car veers suddenly.



The "Hank closes the garage door" moment.  

P7

Code

Garry flips out, [b]raining useless blows[/b] upon the console.



Huh?

Wow.

I loved it, both times. Shades of 2001 and Christine. Lots of suspense and tension, especially toward the end. Quite solid for a one-week-er.

Highly recommended. A+


FADE IN:
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Heretic
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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A pretty solid mystery that's maybe a little straightforward. I never wondered whether A.M.A. was wrong, and I don't feel like we (as the audience) got to be in on much of the sleuthing...A.M.A. just sorta knows everything. As a brief and breezy exploration of a sci-fi concept, though, very readable and well paced. Just be nice if the stakes raised/lowered/changed a little more than the straight through line that we have now.

Might have been neat if we though he had a chance of escaping, too. Anyway, solid work and a fun read.


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Warren
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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I know who this belongs to, I know your style, I've read too many of your scripts haha.

So straight up a few missing words here and there.

Not a fan of the bold dialogue, but I think you know that already.

Other than that. I really enjoyed it. Out of the 5 scripts I've read so far this is by far the best.

Congrats and good luck.


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LC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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So, it's Her meets Minority Report.

Can't fault it (minor typos somewhere, but who cares). Oh, I would do away with 'female presence'  and just write female voice, but that's a nitpick.

Very entertaining, well written, and you met the Trapped challenge with finesse.

Good on you!  


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StevenClark
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:13am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Not bad. Well written, but a lot of exposition in places. I think if you trimmed some of the dialogue this could make for a very tight piece. It seems like there's this whole question and answer bit going on with AMA and Garry that just goes on a tad too long. The way it is doesn't work for me. It has potential, though, and if you put the extra time in I think you got something. Good work!

Steve


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Dustin
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:17am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Deep Blue... the first chess engine to beat a grandmaster, and Garry Kasparov no less.

Nice work. A recommend.


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SimonM
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:25am Report to Moderator
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Not for me. I lost interest about half way through. Nicely written but I just am not into robot characters, and with the best will in the world, it's been done - the idea of a computer turning on a human is a SF cliche. Also, unless this is the first time round, wouldn't people notice all these dead passengers popping up?

I noticed that not only did it share a automated driver with "Sorry Dave", some of the dialogue was the same - demonstrating the limitations of these ideas perhaps?

2 out of 5 for me personally.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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After reading the logline, I thought I might be in for some cab sex. After reading the script, I thought the ending was confusing. What gives AMA the authority to do that? Must be the same that invades the privacy of this world's citizens. Anyway, it's a good idea and I did feel the burn of the interrogation, even if I thought it was going in another direction. LOVE the last line of dialogue. Good job, even if the ending gave me stinky nose.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Liked this, well written and well paced, just felt a little too linear, was expecting some form of late twis which didn't arise.

Good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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With Sci-Fi the budget is a bit higher but with it being only in a cab might pull it off.  Well written for the most part just some places where dialogue is a bit long.  I liked the exchange about the choices of who to kill.  The ending is pretty straight forward and for a short, most will want some twist.  Pretty good overall.  Will comment more on story elements when judging is complete.  Good luck with this.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Well done. I enjoyed the way you developed this; you have an instinct for timing. The guy gets ensnared in the either-or ethical questions, reveals himself bit by bit, and is (yes!) trapped. There's a satisfying inevitability to this.
Henry



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RichardR
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

Good job.  I liked this one.  I wish it had been a little more up and down.  It was a one-trick pony with the trolley problem.  The author (and we all love authors) should have been clever enough to counter AMA's banter about the first death and the research into cruise deaths.  It was too easy for AMA.

Best
Richard
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