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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Cowboy for a Day - OWC
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  Author    Cowboy for a Day - OWC  (currently 1053 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cowboy for a Day by - May Not Be Used - Short, RomCom - Ryker thinks he just may have found the love of his life...but he also told her he was a cowboy. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, is this like a Rom-Com for men kind of thing? Feels it, but if you have ever seen Chasing Amy, I think that style of story and humor would be better suited for this.

Instead of saying they are uncomfortable pants, have him interact with the jeans to show us how uncomfortable they are. What do men do when pants are too tight??

Anything specific you could of replaced (beat) with? (Beat) never does a whole lot for me.

Oh boy, by the time I got the end I realized this was a very personal style of comedy. When the writer was thinking about what audience this is going to appeal to, they said, “Me!”

So, don’t be offended that I wasn’t all that thrilled with it. Good effort getting in a script, wasn’t for me!
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there May Not Be Used!!

Okay, straight out of the gate, the dialogue and actions are so metoo-able it’s painful. It’s not like it was funny in the previous climate so I don’t think it’s gonna win you any plaudits in the time we find ourselves in now.

However...I don’t know if it’s just me, but stick some animals in a comedy script and it tends to descend into some sort of chaos I can get on board with. It was a stoner comedy though, not a romantic at all, and in reality was a borderline disaster movie.

I fear the language may wind a few folk up here, and I wasn’t keen on it myself. Not a romantic comedy but I did laugh at him getting mauled by Mother Nature.

Good luck,

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Ryker getting a hell of a beating Wile coyote style

Didn't fall under romantic comedy for me... some comedy no romance.

It was an easy read but the story didn't make the parameters.

Sorry

Good job on entering


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

So that just happened. This didn't do any thing for me on any level. More stoner comedy which I'm not a fan of. The crude humour is also very average.

This was the hardest one to get through so far, other than the one I didn't finish of course.

Congrats for getting one in, sorry that's about as positive as I can be for this entry.

All the best.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

Sorry but this didn't work for me either - Not my sort of thing. Others may like it.

Didn't find anything original or interesting, I got bored half way through and tings got a bit ridiculous - The ending also felt a bit flat.

No sense of romance for me.

Good job on attempting the challenge though

Matt


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DISCLAIMER: I am an uproduced amateur, if I comment on your work, please bear that in mind
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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Rom Com??????????????????????????

Me thinks not.

Nothing landed for me on this one - sorry


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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A bit raunchy, with next to no romance. The concept of putting an easterner on cowboy turf is hardly new, though blending it with stoner humor has possibilities, but alas this story could've been done with a little more subtlety.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Apologies to the writer, but I've read a lot of F#%*ing scripts and I just can't continue with those ones anymore.

RYKER (V.O.)
Johnny! It's all good...great even.
How fucking cold is Beantown?

JOHNNY
Fucking cold about covers it.

... But what Johnny says is true for here right now. It would be a good adjective. About minus forty-something and a wind chill that's 30K

Good that you entered anyways.

If you need a short critiqued in the future without all the F's. Send it to me and I'll do my best.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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hawkeye
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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I'll say this -- you managed to work the chocolates in there instead of them just being a prop!

This was like one long Tinder conversation (not that I would know, I'm just imagining they would be like this).  Just a lot of sex talk and no real attempt at a plot.  And while it had some attempts at humor, most were just sex related and fell flat.  

There was this, though:


Quoted Text
I actually birthed her back in the barn.  You should have seen it. She's my angel.


She gave birth to a horse? That's quite a feat.

I thought the way this was going Ryker was going to be sexually assaulted by the horse.

It was a comedy, but the romance never made it out of the barn.

Just my two cents,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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_ghostwriter
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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I'm divided.  There's a sense of veteran delivery here, and definitely a voice -yet it all feels a bit sloppy. Like the story telling dynamic isn't focused.  The material isn't bad, believe it or not, I found some of it funny, but...

Methinks you took a different approach... you went the unconventional route.  By that - I mean.. on the surface it seems to be almost anti-rom-com, like “Bridesmaids,” and “Neighbors.”   They had a heavy dose of crude humor before showing their heart, which resonated with people.  

Herein lies my problem.  Can't speak for the others'.

I guess for me I was waiting for it to show it's heart in the end,  I wanted some real bonding, and to a degree, a bit more romance.  I didn't hate it, by any means.  JMHO.  

But what do I know.  Kudos for finishing.


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khamanna
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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The idea made sense to me but overall U didn't like the story.

You didn't pose the question, you start with Ryker. But I don't see what he wants, the backstory.

He just brings chocolates to a random girl.

and then random things happen.

I think you better work onthe first half explaining to us how important the girl and the date is for Ryker
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, I read this straight through, no notes...which is actually a good thing.  It's very well written.

Then, I read all the feedback and I have to say, I disagree with everyone except the last couple.

I think it's quite funny, but then again, my sense of humor is most likely very different than most.  It reads almost like a pisser, but I'm not saying that in a bad way...it's just so whacky and over the top, there's no way I can take it seriously...but then again, I don't think I'm supposed to.

Couple things I liked...

Chocolates were very well used.  So was "Red".  Few scripts have attempted something like this.

Jokes were repeated...or came back up in a different setting.

Couple things I didn't like...

There's a line of dialogue from the stoner dude that feels out of place..something about rock hard nipples - that should go.

Ryker's "interest" in the country girl not set up very well...or at all.  For me, this pulled the genre into comedy, as opposed to ROMCOM, but then again, based on what I've read so far, very few really were all out ROMCOM.

It's well written.  It's funny, and it's goofy.  I like it.

***1/2


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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James McClung
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't care for this one, personally. The male characters are douchebags, the female characters are stereotypes, and both are one-dimensional. The comedy is there, but I didn't particularly enjoy it. Romance? Debatable (Ryker's aims suggest otherwise).

It is decently written on a technical level. While I'm not a fan of the content, none of it feels choppy or awkward. Crass, sure, but consistent and clearly intentional. In a sense, it's a fully realized piece, although perhaps to the benefit of no one but the writer. I take it they enjoyed themselves while writing this.

I know who the writer is, btw. Couldn't be more obvious. I got your number, pal.


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Angry Bear
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Lol!

Obviously some incorrect things about horses, but never the less, this was funny. I enjoyed the read and laughed. Visually funny and dialogue was funny as well. Not exactly a rom-com. Romance light, but definitely comedy. I don't know what to suggest. I liked it just the way it is.


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