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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  OMG! Leo's Got Leukemia! - OWC
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  Author    OMG! Leo's Got Leukemia! - OWC  (currently 595 views)
PKCardinal
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't understand Clove donating the marrow. Not sure what story point it served. I guess from a character standpoint, it might have shown her to be a bit naive. She just got burned, but she's a giver... Still. Didn't ring true.

Knowing, now, that she ends up with Chang, I'd rather see you spend more time showing the interactions between he and Clove. In many romcoms everyone knows who's right for "her", and actively roots for the character they know is truly the one. This story could take advantage of that dynamic.

In the end, I liked it... but would like it more with a bit of rewrite. (Or, pursue Dave's suggested take. It's a good one.)


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khamanna
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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I like the title - it stands out and grabbed my attention right away.

But the ideas here seem to be in a pile - she's agarophobic, he's dying of leukemia, their first time sex... Why now? Why with him?
I guess I have too many questions. And I understand it won't serve the script any good if you start answering these questions.
For me it's just - there's no organic flow to it.
So I guess not for me this one.
It happens I guess.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

Ok, I'm in - Logline gives me high hopes.

Some good imagery. Liking the characters - a nice quirky relationship between Chang and Clove.

Clove is a good name as well.

I don't know what the term landshark refers to. or bimmer (same as beemer?)

Having been a recluse in my youth and using chat rooms - Do these still exist? anyway - I can understand the relationship she has built with someone online even though she has never seen him on camera or in person.

I like Chang - with the right actor he will be very funny.

Oh, landshark is beer.

Clove's reaction to seeing him is a bit subdued. He's sent her pictures of someone else, she never knew his real name, but she just asks if he's a realtor?

I wouldn't make him married tbh. Make him consider himself fat and ugly and that no one will love the real him, he's not agoraphobic but make him a recluse, too lacking in confidence to go into the real world to find love - In other words, make him a flawed human, not a bad human.

I think the above might make her saving his life more believable - IE the romance between them has now gone, but a friendship can remain.

A nice ending.

I like this a lot. I wasn't enamoured by the title, but some are.

Well done on this.

Matt  




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ReneC
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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Since the title of this has been discussed so much, I'll weigh in by saying I wasn't put off by it at all, but I was expecting something outrageous, some absurd comedy. That's not what this is.

The writing is good. Right off the bat, the visuals were excellent. This is well written, for the most part, though I wasn't a fan of the stereotyping for Chang.

The story is okay, but not great. Clove's agoraphobia is barely a thing, she gets over it pretty easily. Her just happening to run into the nurse and getting tested is stretching belief, and her agreeing to it goes beyond belief. There's also no reason for it at all except to give this an overly sweet ending.

She should just leave the hospital room, and in consoling Clove Chang demonstrates his feelings for her and she sees what's been right in front of her all along. Only it hasn't, Chang barely gives her the time of day until he reveals his feelings. I get that maybe you didn't want to let the cat out of the bag too early but it all seemed too easy and unreal.

Fix some of the issues and this could be something. Good job entering.


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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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Some of the choices you make puzzles me. Like I'm not even sure you really needed Clove’s agoraphobia.  Not much significance here.  But there's also something about the writing that tells me you have skills. You just need to be more discerning and ask yourself at every turn, does this serve the story.

This had its moments; like the candy, flowers, and chocolates.  Kudos for finishing...


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manxman
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 12:15am Report to Moderator
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Very odd writing style. The writer seems to constantly shy away from using the word "the", which ends up sounding like a foreigner trying to use English. Yes, the delivery boy is Chinese, which validates the absence of "the" in his speech but when it is missing from active sentences "He pulls bag from behind seat" etc. it comes across as distracting and awkward. As to the story -- delivery boy accompanies girl to hospital and qualifies as perfect marrow match to patient with leukemia -- this happens so quickly it leaves one scoffing at the unlikely convenience of it all. To the writer, try again. Read a few screenplays. There's a seed of talent here but needs work. And start using the word "the"!!!  
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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OK, last one for me, so you know the drill...lots of detailed feedback...hopefully!

I saved this for last because I absolutely HATE the title.  Just saying...

Once again, we have a writer who doesn't know the ages of their characters. one is in her 30's and another in his 20's. So basically, we could have a 39 year old woman and a 20 year old dude.  Not good.

"low mein" - Really?

"cherry thing and orgasm"?  Huh?  Seems a little out of place.

"She drops phone on bed, rushes into bathroom." - Very awkwardly worded.  Why are you omitting "the" into these fragments?

Page 3 - We just now find out Clove has agoraphobia?  Why wait so long?

I don't know how this is going to play out, but it appears like these 2 are online together quite a bit...and/or Clove is a total idiot, so Leo's disease seems odd that it's just now coming out.  I don't think 1 day you're fine and the next you have Leukemia, but maybe I'm wrong.

"statute" - ?  Huh?

Page 6 - "SAINT PETERS" - Should it be "PETER'S"?

"Establishing hospital" - Huh?

"Thousands of cars" - Huh?  Why are there thousands of cars?

WTF?  And just like that, Clove is donating her marrow to this guy who's been lying to her forever?  C'mon now...

And she just happens to be a match? OMG!!

Writing really getting awkward, missing words for not apparent reason, almost like English isn't your first language?

The end.  Well, definitely not for me.  I didn't buy into any of it, didn't find it funny, and struggles with the awkward writing.  Wish I could be more positive, but in reading over the feedback, it looks like most seem to like this, so good job.

**1/2


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DaveTroop
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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OMG  What a title.

I had a few issues with the logic here.

How did Clove survive all this time alone in her apartment.  Sure she had Chang delivering her food, but what did she do for money?  Even though you could use Clove's condition for some comedic scenes - Chang physically has to carry her to the car, Clove's first encounters with automatic doors, escalators, etc.- I think Clove's agoraphobia holds your story back.

Another issue I had was Clove's choice to donate marrow after being emotionally crushed by Leo. It's too painful a procedure to enter into lightly, especially if there's no chance of romance here.

I think this would work best as a road picture.  Have Clove and Chang develop a relationship while driving to the hospital to see Leo.  Then after Clove's heartbreak, she and Chang slowly fall in love on the return trip.  In feature format, you might have the time to include Clove's agoraphobia and her triumph over it with Chang's help.

Not a bad script.  With some tweaking it could actually work well.

Thanks for entering.
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Conz
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Love the exclamation point in the title, but hate “OMG” wish it wasn’t there.

Like the opening visual.

Don’t make Chang a super stereotype, come on.  Not to sound all PC here, but he doesn’t need to have that stunted “me Chinese” speaking style.

Why are they talking on Skype? Who knocked? Is that a Skype sound effect?  I think I’ve used it 2 times in my life, so maybe.

12 years seems excessive, especially for the age of the character.

I do like how her only real friend appears to be the guy who delivers her food.  That’s pretty clever… but again, stop making him talk like a stereotype, it adds nothing.  People don’t laugh at that type of comedy anymore.  Leslie Chow was 10 years ago by now.

This is escalating quickly.  Now she’s donating marrow to her catfish?

Now she’s gonna fall in love with Chang?

I like the idea… kinda.  This isn’t a short storyline imo.  Good thought process, but ultimately doesn’t really work.  There’s a great way of setting up a relationship there, but it has to be fleshed out more.  Not a bad job ultimately.


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Zack
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Not a fan of the title, and there are some odd typos in some of the dialog. Such are "RU" instead of "Are you". You're writing a script, not sending a text.

Besides that, this one works for me.

I do think you missed out on some potential humor with the reveal of who Leo actually is. What if Leo wasn't a man at all, and in fact an overweight woman. And she didn't have Leukemia, but maybe she was pregnant? IDK.

Good work here. I liked that Clove ended up with Chang. Good ending.

Zack


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Spqr
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Very good script. I noticed what might be an inconsistency: on page 3 Landshark tells Clove to visit him; on page 7 Landshark/Jack tells her she shouldn't have com. Of course, Landshark is in bad shape so that could be the reason.

Landshark comes off as a liar and a jerk, but asking Clove to visit him so he can confess in person is a step in the right direction. Of course, he doesn't have too many steps left.

Clove has been a virtual prisoner in her apartment for 12 years. And Landshark never visited? Why does she think they're made for each other (page 5)? Has he done something for her in the past that keeps her in thrall to him?

As soon as Clove leaves Jack's room she runs into the nurse and immediately volunteers her marrow. This seems too abrupt. She should be totally pissed off at Jack and storms out of the hospital. Chang calmly points out that she's outside without the sunglasses. She now realizes that in her anger she forgot about her agoraphobia. Now, she can go back inside and volunteer her marrow, because Jack has, indeed, given her life back.
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jayrex
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Personally I don't believe the idea. Even for a romcom setting.  This man Leo aka Jack has a wife and he spends all this time online chatting up other women.  In this case Clove.  And what's more unbelievable is that she saved him.  Crazy logic.  She should have been pissed.  It's like he's cheating on his wife.  It's not right.  Romcom should have a feel good factor and I felt annoyed before I got to the end.  The ending, although good, in that Jack survives, was wasted on me.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hate the title...

There's something I just can't get round with this... namely he's got Leukemia -so it just didn't work for me for romcom.7

Sorry!


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Hate the title...

There's something I just can't get round with this... namely he's got Leukemia -so it just didn't work for me for romcom.7

Sorry!


That's how I felt. And I'm dealing with people I know in life who have cancer; so it's definitely not funny and actually feels offensive.

For that very reason and because I love and care for the people dealing with this, I couldn't even open the document.

I guess we can all learn a lesson from this. Be sensitive to others' sensitivities.

Sorry dear writer if I missed a good script, but I'm sure, too, that you understand.



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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