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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Virtual Vengeance Container - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Virtual Vengeance Container - WT  (currently 930 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Virtual Vengeance Container by Anonymous - A therapist convinces his trauma patient of a virtual reality role-play. 5 pages - Short, Sci Fi, Horror


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 12:20am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Strong entry, until the last page when it fizzled out into nothing by introducing characters and themes that had nothing to do with the set up or the body of the story.

Still, the genre elements were decent. The bobblehead thing was a bit incidental..it could have been anything else.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 6:23am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

I do like Sci-fi - You set up the look, feel and technology well - a small glimpse into a bigger world.

The ending - I don't know if I have this right, but I read it as Dr Kee is killing patients (well, this one at least) on behalf of insurance companies because the patients are costing them too much money - I scratched my head at the ending for a few moments before that realisation came to me - I am probably being slow.

Anyway, I quite liked it - The writing was very good, the horror element could be ramped up as you had another page and a half to play with.

The bobblehead element seems a little forced - they were relevent to the story no doubt, but it seems like making them bobbleheads was an afterthought

Matt


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jayrex
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's a decent effort.  I enjoyed the beginning more.  Nicely set up.

The one thing I would question is the second Keith.  Is that a normal size Keith like the first one or is he bobblehead Keith?


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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So what benefit does Dr. Kee get from killing off the client?  Isnít that taking money from his pocket?  Or if the insurance company is paying him to kill off patients so save money, how much do they have to pay for that?  Just seems weird.

You did fuse the sci-fi and horror elements together pretty well here, so good job with that. Iím not sure I bought into the story ending.  I might have had her husband come in and save her at the end, maybe killing not just Keith, but Dr. kee as well. That would have been different.  but otherwise I thought it was fairly well written. Good effort.

Best of luck,
Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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stevie
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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First cab off the review rank!

Very well written with a good flow. I disagree with the other reviews that the dolls were incidental - I thought they were used well and fitted in with the high tech theme.

Look its tough to fit a complete story in 5 pages as opposed to a glimpse of a scene but this one was pretty good for that. It seems like the writer had this cool concept but the page restraint forced things to happen quicker.

Anyway good job and i liked it.

PS - writer is perhaps a music/culture buff? Keith, Hendrix, Becker lol. And John Lennon once spent the night with an Aussie Jenny Kee on their Aussie tour in 1964 lol



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Warren
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
He gazes through his black-rimmed glasses at the thousands
of raindrops that roll down the pane. Beyond this water
film, there is constant lightning on the horizon.
The flashes strike that frequently, they illuminate the
whole therapy office of metallic chairs, abstract art, and
glass furniture.


I think this could be tightened up, you spend a lot of lines setting the mood for a 5 page script.

Itís overly descriptive.


Quoted Text
She
makes small steps


takes small steps?


Quoted Text
Amanda slumps into the glass sofa, which consists of an
elastic matter that perfectly forms around her butt.


The images are a bit all over the place, initially you said filled with metallic chairs, now we have a glass/elastic sofa. It's unclear to me what I'm meant to be seeing

Some awkward writing, I'm thinking English may not be a first language.

The bobbleheads feel forced into this situation, especial considering the futurist world you tried to build.

The ending left me scratching my head.

I feel like the genre requirements were met, but the writing could definitely use some work.

All the best.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  June 5th, 2019, 12:32am
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PKCardinal
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, I really liked the idea of the bobbleheads as virtual reality/healing devices. I had to overlook the comedic nature of a typical bobblehead, but that's not that big a deal... and certainly not an issue outside of the tourney (I'm assuming you'd adjust the script element if you did a rewrite.)

I completely disagree with how you ended things. A really interesting idea just fizzled into nothing. That's too bad. My suggestion would be to chop everything after she gets into the virtual world and build out something bigger (once you're free of the 5 page limitation.)

To that end, consider playing the ending sequence more straight. She actually confronts the killer (though be careful... this is supposed to be a therapy tool) and comes to some level of understanding/forgiveness/peace.

Of course, it's your story... so, tell it your way. but, I hope you'll consider a different ending to an interesting beginning.


PaulKWrites.com

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The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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JEStaats
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I really wanted to like this and then it lost me. I guess I just don't understand the insurance scam and why would they go to all the hi-tech to make her braindead. I think I would've preferred a fight between the two in which she loses and the doctor is bewildered since it never happened before? IDK, I'm just rambling. Still, why the scam?

You had some good characters and dialog, I think you met the fusion criteria, and the prose was pretty decent. Good job, writer.
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leitskev
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Notes as I read

Shouldn't the patient come in dripping wet? Or is the window just a virtual decoration? If it's the latter, emphasize that she's dry.

End notes as I read

Ok. This feels like a really good writer rushed for time. The set up feels like the Matrix. Which could really work well if she is, like Neo, already within a virtual world. This would explain her dryness coming through the door.

Then everything just kind of wraps up easy with a not-very-memorable twist.

I'm inclined to give a moderate score here and expect much better things in a future round.
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khamanna
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Straitghforward story well told.
Easy to read an understand.

For some reason I was not connected enough.  The characters are quite bleak for me, maybe that's why.

I don't agree with the genres here. It's neither sci-fi nor it's a horror.
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ReneC
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Virtual role-playing? I got excited for a second, picturing Sandra Bollock in skimpy jams. You handily steered clear of Demolition Man though.

There's a lot of set up that builds towards something that never pays off. Or does it pay off in an unexpected way? If so, it's really unclear since there are no motives given for why it ends the way it ends. Who was behind it, the faceless corporation or the killer? And what do they gain by it?

The writing was solid except for a few mis-steps and a couple of head-scratching decisions. The doctor was inconsequential, and the bobbleheads were only bobbleheads because they had to be. Still, criteria met, though it is very light on horror. More like thriller.

Nicely done, just clear up the ending.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was a little all over the place for me.

The bobblehead felt entirely co-incidental and in terms of the actual storry kinda cheapened it... but I did like the central idea of virtual vengence.

The ending left me scratching my head again.

I think there's a decent story here, I'd suggest re-writing it outside of the constraints of the challenge.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Philostrate
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Really cool concept! Kudos for that!

It started so, so well that I got my hopes up! But then, damn... the ending didn't work. Not at all!

If it wasn't for the ending it'd be one of my favs.

Anyway, the writing is good, mostly, and I like the concept and the execution, except for the ending, so it'll score good.

Good job,
David


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Philostrate
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
I think there's a decent story here, I'd suggest re-writing it outside of the constraints of the challenge.

I'm with Anthony. There's a good story in there...


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