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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  If I Had A Whistle - WT2 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    If I Had A Whistle - WT2  (currently 1054 views)
Posted: June 10th, 2019, 10:19pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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If I Had A Whistle by Your Dark Side - A whistle with great magical powers was lost in the sewer a long long time ago.  Can Pete retrieve it before the Dark One finds it? 5 pages - Short, Comedy

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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 4:05am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Shakespeare's county
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If I had a whistle... I'd whistle in the morning, whistle in the evening, all over this land

Sorry, that was the first thing that popped into my head as I read the title

Hello writer

The logline gives me hope

It could just be my tired eyes, but this seems awkwardly written - I'm having to reread lines to get a sense of what is happening and properly picture it in my head.

"On the large screen" - what large screen? I see this all the time, you need to establish these things are there first "the" insinuates we already know it is there, we don't.

"cocky bastard" - that's a cop out and you know it lol don't tell us he is cocky, that is boring, show us he is cocky.

Quoted Text
And if you see someone called Jeff
Bush, hand him this. This’ll
distract him for hours. He loves
ripping poorly crafted
stories. There’s at least a
thousand orphans.

HA! - well done.

OK - I am in Pisserville - So i'm just gonna read on and see if I enjoy the ride.

Alright, I'm done. It is what it is, a pisser. The first three character names I guess mean something, but I am slow on what the references are.

The humor is not to my taste, but it's deffo comedy - The Kevin Spacey lines made me smile



Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 4:40am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

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Not bad for a pisser.

I liked the part about the Dark One. It was reasonably funny...and I'm trying desperately to find funny in these scripts.
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Posted: June 11th, 2019, 8:03am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Between Chair and Keyboard
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Okay, IMDb tells me that these characters are regulars on the TV show Warehouse 13. Not familiar with the show, but the jist appears to be that they are some government team that deals with occult stuff.

Maybe it's the same place Indiana Jones leaves the Ark of the Covenant, just 80 years later.

Anyway, that makes it really difficult to score the Characters here. They're introduced as if the reader is unfamiliar with them, which is convenient because I'm not. Going to grade it like any other characters... sorry if I miss some nuanced parody carefully woven into the prose (maybe Artie's trademark is his hatred of expositionary monologues...).

Even without knowing Warehouse 13 lore, the jokes work in this one, but I don't like how the Dark One is so easily foiled. Easily foiling the badguy in a comedy is perfectly acceptable, but you'd have to spend more time building up just how scary and invincible this guy is supposed to be. If the Dark One is a recurring villain on Warehouse 13, then I guess it could kinda work.

Overall, a good effort.

Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:02am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

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It had a whistle and a sewer and jokes were thrown in. Criteria met.

I’m not enamored with everything else. I don’t understand what Storybrook or Warehouse 13 is, and no explanation is attempted. I can only guess they’re some sort of fantasyland cops or something. But it just didn’t hold my interest. The Ellen part made no sense at all and was only there so he could hand off the script, which he wasn’t even supposed to give to her!

Then the Dark One’ part was just sort of blown over. Pete trips him and takes the whistle. And back to the warehouse for diarrhea jokes.

Looks like it was written hastily with a steady parade of errors and not very well thought out storylines. I think you were trying for a pisser and you missed the mark there as well.

Sorry, but just completely missed the mark for me.

An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Posted: June 12th, 2019, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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No Clue what Storybrook or Warehouse 13 is.

1st 4 passages are all very rough, awkward, and confusing.

No clue what this large screen thing is, either.  It's been mentioned several times, without the slightest bit of an introduction.

Why is the title on top of every page?  Really?  Get it outta here!!!

Is "etablet" the correct way to spell this?  I sure don't think so.

No clue what Artie is talking about with this train.  Just sounds really hokey.

Page 3 - And, out of nowhere, I'm referenced in this script?  WTF?  Is this supposed to be a pisser?  I guess it must be, but there's nothing remotely funny yet.  Well, thanks for the cameo appearance of me...I guess.

Ellen Degenerate?  WTF?  Wow...this is quite whacky for sure.

Wow...way too many WTF moments to even point out and/or address.

The End.  Sorry, but really, really bad.  Sure, there's some funny stuff here, but the vast majority is just senseless ramblings.

Story - weak

Characters - weak

Dialogue - weak

Prose - weak

Criteria - I guess I have to give you 5 points here.  You're welcome!  
e-mail Reply: 5 - 18
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Vancouver, BC
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Now I see why this has so few reviews. What's the point of giving notes on a pisser? It is what it is.

I know Warehouse 13, you did a good job with Artie. The other two, there isn't enough there to gauge.

So, yeah, Jeff is a major plot point. Comedy can be very specific, and we are the target audience for this, so you get full marks for that. But please don't let this be a trend...

There's no story here, the whistle is just a MacGuffin (but it does feature, so...fine), and the writer was clearly just having fun with the parameters. I think Jeff and I are going to score similarly on this one, which is actually the funniest part about this.

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Posted: June 12th, 2019, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

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Amusing at times. Was cool with the Jeff joke...who doesn't like a good Jeff joked?

Nothing to fault in prose.

Story didn't grab, but then the writer didn't really expect it to, and likely none of these stories will.
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Posted: June 12th, 2019, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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If I had A Whistle

Some formatting issues:

Slugline, margins, title on every page, capitalized words in parentheses…

enough of that.

characters should have an age

oh, a shout out toward Jeff Bush???
I see, another one willfully diving into problematic fourth-wall-breaking territory.

As I already said in my shIT script review, I just have read this kind of 'concept' too many times. It's not inventive, just been there before and before that and before that…

To me, even a pisser must be carefully navigated into its fourth-wall breaking element with a subtle specific performance-- it's just thin ice on Lake Piss.

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Posted: June 12th, 2019, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Sydney, Australia
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Hi writer,

Quoted Text

Super small thing and really doesn’t matter, I'll point it out anyway. Wrylies are in lowercase, other than names of course. (tired).

No need for the title at the top of every page.

Quoted Text
whistle once pulled

Comma placement, or lack thereof can really change the meaning of a sentence. This should be: it's whistle, once pulled

Quoted Text
the Dark One gets his hands
on it.

The Dark One has only just been introduced and he already feels underdeveloped, same thing with the witches of storybrook (or is this another reference I'm not getting?)

Quoted Text
And if you see someone called Jeff
Bush, hand him this. This’ll
distract him for hours. He loves
ripping poorly crafted
stories. There’s at least a
thousand orphans.

Okay, so a pisser... rings true though.

Quoted Text
Thank you sir.

Thank you, sir.

Comma required when addressing someone directly in dialogue.

Quoted Text
He tries to cleanse the whistle by shaking off Snow White’s

What does Snow White have to do with anything?

Quoted Text
I’ve done it. And I also found
where Kevin Spacey’s career has

Gave me a chuckle.

Another story that has zero context outside of the SS universe. It’s all a bit chaotic. Seems like a few random ideas smashed together.

Gets the marks for criteria but will score quite low everywhere else.

All the best.

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Posted: June 12th, 2019, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

No sh*t, there I was....

Tucson, AZ
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Not sure how I'm supposed to review this. A pisser? Yes. But where does the intended piss stop and the truly poor craftsmanship begin?

Story is ridiculous, which, after reading so much nonsense already, seems to be okay in round 2. Characters are so thin you can see through them and the jokes fall flat.

Good try. There's always round 3. This'll probably score better than mine.
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Posted: June 13th, 2019, 3:07am Report to Moderator

The Great Southern Land
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Good effort at comedy. Not quite sure what to make of it story wise. I have a feeling this was cobbled together in a rush to get yourself over the line. Just a bit discombobulating to me.

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Posted: June 13th, 2019, 9:16am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Feelin' cute.

Erlanger, KY
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This one is a mess, sorry to say. Very poor writing, tons of issues throughout. Gonna give you the benefit of a doubt and say you rushed this one in.

Story wise, it did nothing for me. Just didn't really find it very funny. Though I do see the attempts. Better luck next round.
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Posted: June 13th, 2019, 8:35pm Report to Moderator

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Entertaining, but too many characters and too many things going on. Don’t know if the Flying Scotsman whistle legend is true, but had the focus been on the whistle--and its purported powers, I think this would have been a thrilling story, not just a humorous one.
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Posted: June 13th, 2019, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

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Well, on one hand good on you to write and submitting but on the other hand I don't get the point.
Besides it's not the best pisser. Pissers are hard because they should be super good. They are twice as hard I'd say. So you need to really excell at this to write a norm pisser I guess.
Maybe you are very good but this was not.
I actually may appreciate occasional pisser btw.
So, this one is not worthy of the rewrite.
Still good for submitting.
I haven't finished reading though. The first and the last one for me that I won't read in full. Unless there's another pisser about insider jokes and all.

Oh, and this one will do better than mine. So, congrats, you won't come last.
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