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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Here Comes The Bogeyman
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  Author    Here Comes The Bogeyman  (currently 1832 views)
khamanna
Posted: December 1st, 2019, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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Zack, I reread it - you added complexity to the story which works for me. I enjoyed the dream part. The fact that it turned out to be true is exciting and sudden - didnít see that coming.

Her choosing one kid was kind of sudden and not in a good way for me. I mean which mother would. U wish she had a reason at all. The way youíre telling it, it should have been Devin. But she went for Tyler. Maybe Devin jumps into Bogeymans arms himself and she gives her permission to Bogeyman to have him sort of? I donít know but this is not motherly way to do. And also she has to be likable as your main character but the ending made me really dislike her. I wonder if itís just me.
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Zack
Posted: December 2nd, 2019, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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*SPOILERS*





Hey, Kham. Thanks for reading through this again. Happy to hear you understood it better. I was very worried that the dream sequence would throw people off, but most seem to like it.

Sorry the ending left you disappointed. It's a horrible situation for any parent to be put in. She already knows(because of her dream) what will happen if she doesn't choose. And her time is up, so she can't think her way out of it. She has to make a choice, NOW. And unfortunately for Tyler, he happens to be within arms reach while Devin is on the stairecase. Would she have made a different choice if both of her kids where right next to her? Maybe. But they weren't. And she had no time to think about it. I know it's not a happy ending and it's definitely a tough pill to swallow. But I do believe it is a REAL ending, true to the story that proceeds it.

Thanks again for reading.

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Zack  -  December 8th, 2019, 12:40pm
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Dan_P
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Hey, Zack! First of all, I agree that this was a quick, tense read. I'm with you on the ending as well - I didn't think it would dare to go there and I love that final, chilling image you leave us with.

SPOILERS:

I think it could be interesting/important for Mary to have further reasons to choose Tyler, other than him just being the closest in reach (especially, if you plan to have this be a thing in a feature version), but maybe it would also make her character too dark and unsympathetic in this short version, I'm not sure. While I get that there simply was no time and that she HAD to make some kind of decision, I think it's hard to convey that urgency without having it feel like she maybe could have done more or shown more resistance.

Personally, I'm not too huge on having that many directions in the script, but they didn't really get in the way here, either. Having said that, I feel as if some of them aren't really necessary. For example: "CLOSE ON the grandfather clock as its pendulum swings back and forth." If this would have read: "The grandfather clock's pendulum swings back and forth.", I'd have already pictured it as a close-up.

I've found some typos/things you might have already corrected by now, but I hope it's alright, if I list them here, just in case:
- PAGE 11: Its
- PAGE 12: Maybe you can lose the descriptive "panicky", I think it's clear without it.
- PAGE 13: confidence, picks
- PAGE 17: in any way
- PAGE 19: its pendulum
- PAGE 21: its teeth

I think you have a cool idea here, and I really enjoyed the read  

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Dan_P  -  December 10th, 2019, 8:16pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: December 10th, 2019, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack,

I haven't read any of the comments so I'm going into this completely blind. I'm commenting as I read.

Page 6-7:

You mention that the Bogeyman faces toward the door with its back toward us. But then you mention that it turns to face the porch and tilts its head. Also, how did Mary not see the Bogeyman if he was standing on the porch? Or near the porch? With the light on? Unless, right as the light turns on it burns out...

I would have Mary check on the boys before or after she calls 911, just to make sure they're safe and asleep (which they are...unless something's already happened to them).

Oh shit. Poor Devin. Brave of you to do that.

Haha, I love Kings Island, if you're talking about the existing theme park in Ohio.

Why did Luke show up? Maybe you should have him mention that he was concerned or something. It's a bit strange for him to show up randomly after midnight. Maybe he said he got a call from Mary telling him to come over and that she sounded scared, and she's like, "I never called you..." and THEN he gets yanked from the door. That way, it ties into the part where the Bogeyman mimics Luke's phone call.

The ending was a bit of a letdown for me. She decided too easily in my opinion. She should throw herself out there first, but then the Bogeyman says that only children are his life force or whatever. That way, she's prompted to toss one of her kids outside instead of just being coaxed into doing so.

Fun, spooky stuff. Just what I expected from you.


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Zack
Posted: December 11th, 2019, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dan_P
Hey, Zack! First of all, I agree that this was a quick, tense read. I'm with you on the ending as well - I didn't think it would dare to go there and I love that final, chilling image you leave us with.



Hey, Daniel. Thanks for giving this a read. Stoked that you seemed to really enjoy it.


Quoted from Dan_P


"CLOSE ON the grandfather clock as its pendulum swings back and forth." If this would have read: "The grandfather clock's pendulum swings back and forth.", I'd have already pictured it as a close-up.



Good point. I'll cut that.


Quoted from Dan_P


I've found some typos/things you might have already corrected by now, but I hope it's alright, if I list them here, just in case:
- PAGE 11: Its
- PAGE 12: Maybe you can lose the descriptive "panicky", I think it's clear without it.
- PAGE 13: confidence, picks
- PAGE 17: in any way
- PAGE 19: its pendulum
- PAGE 21: its teeth


Always a few typos that sneak by me.  


Quoted from Dan_P

I think you have a cool idea here, and I really enjoyed the read  


Thanks, Dude. Seriously appreciate it.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Zack  -  December 11th, 2019, 7:45pm
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Zack
Posted: December 11th, 2019, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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What's up, Sean? How have you been?


Quoted from Zombie Sean


You mention that the Bogeyman faces toward the door with its back toward us. But then you mention that it turns to face the porch and tilts its head. Also, how did Mary not see the Bogeyman if he was standing on the porch? Or near the porch? With the light on? Unless, right as the light turns on it burns out...



I meant he turns towrads the porchlight. I'll go back and see if I can't tweak that a little more.


Quoted from Zombie Sean


I would have Mary check on the boys before or after she calls 911, just to make sure they're safe and asleep (which they are...unless something's already happened to them).



Good idea.


Quoted from Zombie Sean


Oh shit. Poor Devin. Brave of you to do that.



I'm actually surprised that most people are okay with that particular scene. Thought for sure I'd get some flack for it.


Quoted from Zombie Sean


Haha, I love Kings Island, if you're talking about the existing theme park in Ohio.



Yep! That's the Kings Island. I grew up in Cincinnati, Dude. Used to get season passes when I was a kid.


Quoted from Zombie Sean


Why did Luke show up? Maybe you should have him mention that he was concerned or something. It's a bit strange for him to show up randomly after midnight. Maybe he said he got a call from Mary telling him to come over and that she sounded scared, and she's like, "I never called you..." and THEN he gets yanked from the door. That way, it ties into the part where the Bogeyman mimics Luke's phone call.



Love the idea of the Bogeyman calling Luke. That's perfect. Thanks, Dude.


Quoted from Zombie Sean


The ending was a bit of a letdown for me. She decided too easily in my opinion. She should throw herself out there first, but then the Bogeyman says that only children are his life force or whatever. That way, she's prompted to toss one of her kids outside instead of just being coaxed into doing so.


I agree that there needs to be a greater sense of urgency there at the end. Maybe the Bogeyman chases them further into the house before Mary gives up one of her children? I'll think on it. If you have any ideas, throw them at me.


Quoted from Zombie Sean

Fun, spooky stuff. Just what I expected from you.


Thanks for the compliment, Dude. Means a lot coming from you.
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Zack
Posted: December 11th, 2019, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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And thank you, Don, for getting the newest draft up for me. Tweaked the ending a little bit more, cut some dialog, and fixed some typos.
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MikeCashman
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I enjoyed the script.  Well written and I could vision what you wanted the reader to see.  The so called, "Shower Scene", give or take.  Maybe I agree that it doesn't fit in for a woman who's two sons are on the verge of losing their lives to a creature.  Why take a shower?  Your excuse is it is intended for her to escape the reality and be in a place where she can relax.  Ok.  I get it.  Maybe it doesn't fit in this particular script.  If I was in her place I would fear the possible loss of my children, but wouldn't escape the reality for a shower.  Maybe a scene with her alone, a glass of wine, where she is collecting her thoughts on how to defeat the creature and save her children.  I agree that the hero should be the mother.  Instead of the creature frightening her, she takes a stand and faces the monster herself to save her own children.  Sacrificing one or the other builds the suspense, but she can turn the tables and sacrifice herself and fight the demon to the very end.

Otherwise, I enjoyed the script.  If you re-write any of this, I would like to do another reading on it.  
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Zack
Posted: March 5th, 2020, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Mike. Thanks for the read, although it sounds like you read a much earlier draft. The shower scene you're mentioning is no longer in the script. Made some drastic changes, added an entirely different ending.

The updated draft is available now, just click on the title.

Thanks again for reading.
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Yuvraj
Posted: March 8th, 2020, 5:46am Report to Moderator
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Hello Zack,

I'll say that this is the first script of yours that I read but I am not entirely sure. I think I read a script( I can't recall the title, sorry) about two guys trying to bury a corpse in the woods and it turned out that the corpse was one of them- I think it was yours. Correct me if I am wrong.

Now onto this script.

While reading the first encounter of Mary and her kids with the boogeyman I somehow felt it was too bloody and surreal to be true and I was right. You made it a dream, which is honestly nowadays considered a cliche and a killer to your story's build-up. Also anyone could guess that deputy Lee will be dead anyhow( I recalled the movie LIGHTS OUT for that thing).

The ending was kinda awkward for me. The fact that Mary in a matter of seconds decides to sacrifice  Tyler did not suffice me. I mean what was reason behind her decision? Maybe I missed the beat but if you could please clear that to me.

But I will certainly appreciate the structure of the script you have written, I absolutely liked it. The pacing was tight, the tone of the script was consistent and also it was quick read. Considering it has 23 pages, it just flew by( as said by LC).

I think it was what it was for a horror-slasher script. Good job!

Keep writing.

Peace.



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Zack
Posted: April 8th, 2020, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Yuvraj. Sorry for the late response. Missed your review some how.

I'll say that this is the first script of yours that I read but I am not entirely sure. I think I read a script( I can't recall the title, sorry) about two guys trying to bury a corpse in the woods and it turned out that the corpse was one of them- I think it was yours. Correct me if I am wrong.

Yes, I wrote that one. The script is called 'Bury The Truth'.

While reading the first encounter of Mary and her kids with the boogeyman I somehow felt it was too bloody and surreal to be true and I was right. You made it a dream, which is honestly nowadays considered a cliche and a killer to your story's build-up. Also anyone could guess that deputy Lee will be dead anyhow( I recalled the movie LIGHTS OUT for that thing).

I know dream sequences in horror films are a bit cliche. Honestly, I embrace horror cliches. I'm always trying to put a new spin on old tropes. You say it's a killer to my story's build-up. Sorry you feel that way, but I disagree. I feel like the dream is integral to my story. As for Deputy Lee's death being predictable, not sure I agree there either. Up until he is revealed to be dead, there has been no violence what-so-ever in the story. But I'll go back and see if I can't make his demise a little more suspenseful.

The ending was kinda awkward for me. The fact that Mary in a matter of seconds decides to sacrifice  Tyler did not suffice me. I mean what was reason behind her decision? Maybe I missed the beat but if you could please clear that to me.

I do agree that the ending needs a little more work. It's too abrupt. As for "why" she chooses Tyler... It's because he is within arms reach and she doesn't have any more time to think. It's a horrible situation for a parent to be in and I need to find a way to make it even more impactful.

But I will certainly appreciate the structure of the script you have written, I absolutely liked it. The pacing was tight, the tone of the script was consistent and also it was quick read. Considering it has 23 pages, it just flew by( as said by LC).

I think it was what it was for a horror-slasher script. Good job!


Thanks for the kind words. Happy to hear the pacing feels good and that you generally enjoyed the read. Really appreciate it.
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Yuvraj
Posted: April 9th, 2020, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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Well Zack,

It seems there is a fair amount of disagreement between us.

The dream sequence still doesn't work for me and I don't think its integral to the script. Maybe its just me that a dream sequence turns me off a script.

And as for the death of Deputy Lee, I could easily see it coming. I blame myself for that since I'm a horror nerd and it was too obvious for me. I just saw it coming right away.    

But what can I do? Its your script. You hold the reigns for it.

Anyways, as I said before it is a nice horror-slasher but predictable( except the ending) for me.  

  


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Zack
Posted: April 9th, 2020, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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Nothing wrong with some friendly disagreement.

The reason I say the dream is integral to the story is because, with out it, Mary has no way of knowing just how serious the Bogeyman is. Because of the dream, she knows what's gonna happen if she doesn't choose. At least, that was my intent.

You make a fair point about the predictability of Deputy Lee's death. Any horror fan worth their salt will probably guess that the cop isn't gonna make it to the end. Lol

Thanks again for the read and review.
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spesh2k
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Quoted Text
The reason I say the dream is integral to the story is because, with out it, Mary has no way of knowing just how serious the Bogeyman is. Because of the dream, she knows what's gonna happen if she doesn't choose. At least, that was my intent.


I agree that the dream sequence was pretty necessary. I liked that she "learned" from it. It's not like it was a "It was just a dream" ending. Because it wasn't just a dream. Now, I've seen the double-whammy dream thing done in horror flicks before -- Nightmare on Elm Street, of course -- although a lot of those are "you're still dreaming" sequences. Final Destination. I like familiar horror tropes if done effectively. And I enjoyed how this one played out.


Quoted Text
You make a fair point about the predictability of Deputy Lee's death. Any horror fan worth their salt will probably guess that the cop isn't gonna make it to the end. Lol


No matter what you would've done with Deputy Lee, it probably would've been somewhat predictable -- if she would've went outside and saw the cop car was gone, or if the Bogeyman himself were behind the wheel... or if the Bogeyman appeared in the backseat as she was talking to the Deputy... all somewhat predictable, though him being dead is probably the most predictable. Still, it's a horror flick, might as well give the people what they want. There was no violence up to that point -- everything is suggesting that there could be a threat. Now, with Deputy Lee dead, the danger is real.

Just my thoughts. Really enjoyed this. Though the version I read didn't have a shower scene that I recall (going by earlier comments on this thread). Which is probably a good thing.

-- Michael


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://vimeo.com/402447622

Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
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Zack
Posted: April 9th, 2020, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading through this, Michael. And thanks for the front-page review. That's awesome, man.

I'm glad that you enjoyed it so much. Ya' made my day, Dude.

As for the shower sequence you mentioned... Yeah, that was from an earlier draft.

Thanks again, Dude.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Zack  -  June 24th, 2020, 1:45am
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