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The Shadows by Matthew Taylor (writing as Severus Nettleship) - Short, Thriller - A scared woman takes to the City's shadowy alleyways to escape her pursuer. - pdf format
Nice reversal of protag/antag with a sting at the end. I would've liked a bit more description with the creature killing to up the gore fest. Nicely done.
This one is pretty awesome, my favorite so far. Now, pretty much every single one I've read so far uses the reversal of roles (who we think is the protag ends up being the antag) as the twist. But this one does it very well. And it's very well written, a nice easy read with some good visuals and a very cool ending.
Nice! Not a fan of the title font -- the more I see it, the more pretentious it gets. Anyway...
I liked the tension build up, the chase, and the reveal was a fine moment. The issue for me was the second reveal of the creature. didn't feel that was necessary at all. I felt the first reveal was good and all you needed. Just my opinion, of course!
Quality writing on display, good tension throughout.
Story wise it was a bit flat for me. Things happen just because with no rhyme or reason. I know you only have 2 pages but this is just an extended chase scene with a shock ending for sure, but why...? What is anyone's motivation for anything and the creature's place in it all?
This one unfortunately suffers from the fact that the reader suspects there's going to be a twist. It's not going to just be about a women getting stalked and killed, so I thought she was either leading a killer to his doom (ala Jason Goes to Hell) or is leading a decent guy to his doom (ala The Wicker Man). But the creature was a nice touch, though I would've preferred if she had some sort of communication with it herself, just so I can somewhat understand her motivations. Whether it be a lifeless, "Yes, master" or a scared "okay", I would know where this woman, who has been the center of the film, is coming from.
And though the chase scene was well written, it really just felt like the film was 90% of a chase scene that can be seen in every horror film ever made. And why would she run barefoot down an alley purposely? That ain't good for the feet.
But, as a fast moving short this could work very well with the right director who can add something to the chase and just a few tweaks to the ending.
Okay, dumb question: Does she morph into the creature, or is she feeding the Creature?
Ah, okay, she's the Creature's conduit. And she pockets the money. Very clever.
I think here, however, you give the game away:
Tabi watches him head away, spots an empty can on the floor, kicks it. The can RATTLES across the concrete. Pursuer stops in his tracks, turns and sprints towards Tabi.
Make her stumble and fall over it, that will up the suspense and then we also won't see what's coming with your twist. That's my only gripe.
Great writing on display here! Cool story, although not much of a surprise that she was baiting...for something. Kinda figured that was what she was doing. I liked that she was feeding the monster. In 2 pages it wouldn't be easy to let us know why...but if you ever decided to expand it there's probably a very interesting story there.
Excellent descriptions. I really got a great sense of the atmosphere.
Fancy title page. Nice, but I'm sure you'll get grief from some commenters.
Was confused by Tabi's actions when it looked like she lost the Pursuer. She could have made it seem like more of an accident (at least to the Pursuer).
Since Tabi has no lines, it'd probably be fine to cast a stuntwoman directly into this role. That should help the budget a bit.
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The Shadows - May - Filmed
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