A Game With Dad by Un & Dis Qualified - An oblivious man brings his Dad's remains to a baseball game.  Location: Public Bathroom. Object: Urn of ashes.  Short, Comedy

Getting an error when I open this one.

Quoted from Zack Getting an error when I open this one.

Fixed.

Hi writer,

You lost me on the subject matter straight up, I know nothing at all about baseball and why any of it would be significant.

The comedy was also lost on me but it may land better with a baseball fan, or at least someone who knows anything about it.

I personally don't think the transitions bring anything extra to the script.

All the best.

I really liked this. Especially this line of dialogue:

DALE
“You’re such a klutz, Dale”...
“Why are you so awkward, Dale”...
“Stop taking the vacuum into your
room, we know what you’re doing in
there, Dale”. Pfft. Classic Dad.

Good stuff. The ending was a little abrupt, but I really liked it. A final "fuck you" to his Dad. Seems to have gone over some of the other readers' heads, but most Americans will get this. Definitely not low budget, but none of these seem to consider budget, so fuck it. Nice work, one of the better ones I've read.

-- Michael

So, I've been scoring these as I read because it's easy to lose track... but I don't see this script on the ballot.

-- Michael

Not exactly low budget.

The comedy didn't do it for me sorry.

It was creative taking his dad's urn to a baseball game, but the jokes were lacking.
Comedy is hard

Good job on entering.

It's like you were almost trying to make this a pisstake, but despite the big F-U to pretty much everyone, the comedy beats land pretty well in this. With the right actor, this could be pretty funny. It's all in the performance, and the script offers some meat for a comedy actor.

The budget is way out of control though, not just for the challenge but for this kind of comedy. Although you might be able to get away with some other stadium in the off season and stock footage of Yankee Stadium...but that's besides the point.

I like this one. It has a lot of potential as is, and a polish would only improve it. Well done.

Hey writer

Writing in this was great! flowed wonderfully.

I love how you built up this seemingly loving relationship, kind son giving his dad a nice send off - the leaving the urn behind in the bathroom was a nice touch.
It all built up nicely to the ending and his final two fingers up at his dad (I am not a baseball fan, never seen a single game. But from the context I assume Dodgers and Yankees are rivals and as a Dodgers fan the last thing he would want would be to have his ashes at the Yankee stadium)
So yeah, the ending would be funnier to baseball fans but it still wasn't lost on me.

Great work

It seems in this challenge, most are just ignoring the low budget aspect.

I know enough about baseball to follow this, I was even at a baseball match when I visited friends in New Jersey once. Well written, a good comedy actor could do a lot with this and all the beats land in the right spots.

My one bit of confusion is right at the beginning. He leaves the urn in the bathroom. The camera even focuses on it. Next scene he's holding (and talking) to it, so I thought this was a flashback that would build to the lost urn. However, it is never mentioned again in the script so I don't see the point of showing this.

Writing was pretty decent but this just felt flat for me. Not even a chuckle unfortunately. Still, you probably chose the hardest genre so well done for giving it a go.

Good luck

Nicely written but not a comedy. Maybe a dumb humor joking but not effective. Good luck.  

The transitions really threw me off. Wasn't sure if this was linear or not.

It certainly helped to describe him as a 'Mr. Bean' type. I could see him doing something like this.

That said, the comedy didn't really resonate with me as written but could be pulled off with the right actor.

Good work, writer.

I don't know...I thought this was pretty funny.

A couple of the transitions slowed it down a bit...but still, written well and entertaining.

Nice work!

Transitions not needed and actually confused me at first, wasn't sure if the bathroom was in the stadium or if it was somewhere else earlier in the day..

Couple good laughs and a fun punchline, which would have been better had the dad been  Red Sox fan to use their rivalry to bring more humor.

Action lines were better than most I read, but can still be improved with stronger verbs.  More often than not, -ly and -ing words are a waste of space.  Condensing these will give more space for more story or char dev't.

But I enjoyed it.  It seems we both took dad to the ballgame, but by dif means.  hahaha