SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 18th, 2022, 1:56pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The Summer '22 Challenge Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice are up!

The January Project script, Relentless, is live!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge  ›  Mercy Dash - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Mercy Dash - OWC  (currently 415 views)
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 11:06am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Mercy Dash by Henry Ford - A Soccer Mom's undertakes a midnight mercy dash.  Short, Drama

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 5:53pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Well done on creating an unexpected villain!

With shorts written at this pace it’s tough to get into motive a reasons and whatnot. So I took this at face value and enjoyed it.

One big logic issue bugged me. Why would she answer the phone? Let alone a video call. That took me out of it. Perhaps if it was a call she had to answer - her own family emergency rather than something trivial - that would have made for a better story.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 15
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 7:21am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Nobody Else

Upstate NY
Posts Per Day

Yeah. Good on the unexpected part, but, um, WHY is she the villain and what did the victim do? Those are questions that need answering, otherwise there is no context, leaving you with not much of a story. That said, I would revisit this because it has potential. I can see it filmed. Maybe it's just me that thinks you need a WHY -- not sure!

Your dialogue flowed and sounded natural. Good job!


Private Message Reply: 2 - 15
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Los Angeles
Posts Per Day

No mention of Halloween, unless I missed it? Interesting single location premise that needs to be expanded.
No problem with the dialogue. But it didn't advance the story.  
Good effort writer. But work on your motivation development.

Revision History (1 edits)
RolandJ  -  October 18th, 2021, 5:54pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 15
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 1:21am Report to Moderator

The Great Southern Land
Posts Per Day
That was pretty darned good!

I fell for the misdirection and was spooked by the possibility of someone being in the back seat so you got me there.

The sub-plot feels a bit thrown in. The PTA and talk about Aunts with broken legs is too pedestrian.  
You need something urgent going on in sub-plot too.

Alt: Focus on the real threat in the back seat and have it appear that Sally is playing it down for fear she might be harmed by the end of the call and then give us the reveal. Make the call a call she must take cause it's an emergency. Perhaps have texts insist she picks up and so she does.

You really had me though.
Revamp and rewrite with a few of the gaps filled in and I think you have a much in demand horror short on your hands.

Private Message Reply: 4 - 15
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 7:20am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
This was good, just needs some work. There is nothing more dangerous than a soccer mom so I suspected her of something from the start.

It was spooky and atmospheric when the caller said there was someone in the back seat and was going to call the police but when soccer mom dismissed it without checking, it telegraphs what is going on.

As others have said, we need to know who was in the back seat and why soccer mom had gone all Norman Bates. The telephone conversation was a missed opportunity to cover this. The person could have been mentioned, someone who had ticked her off - the referee of a soccer match perhaps? Then if the said referee is in the back seat it all ties up nicely.

Good job though. I'll have to deduct a point for not even mentioning Haloween though.

For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 15
irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Upstate New York
Posts Per Day
Took 5 pages to get somewhere and realistically it could only have been the soccer mom!

No reasoning as to why she is beating the shit outta this guy.

The writing was good.

Im sorry this  wasn't for me

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 15
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
I enjoyed this one. The writing was bang on, hence flowing so well. Definitely met the criteria as much as you could do for a six pager. IMO.

Having a POV from the phone camera looking out in to the dark black space of the car was really creepy and would likely scare the bejesus out of me on film. That set-up really worked for me.

I guess as mentioned the call probably needed to be an emergency and I also feel that you could have played a little bit more with Anj's perspective. Like perhaps gradual creepy sightings of what might be a person in the back seat as opposed to identifying it straight away as a somebody in the back seat. May have added a bit of punch to your reveal.

Any way, top writing and very good submission.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 15
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 10:49pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Solid reveal! I'd have liked to understand the villain's motivation, or their relation to their victim, which would have brought things together for me. Keeping the story contained to the car was a good choice, it kept the tension focused.

The call went on too long in my opinion; I think she'd have wanted to get off the call much faster once the caller became concerned. Share with a trusted reader to catch spelling and grammar errors (there were several in the first couple pages).

With more focus and more clarification on villain/character relationships and motivations, this is an imminently produceable concept.

Oh yeah...what's a Mercy Dash?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 15
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 8:48am Report to Moderator
Been Around

At my desk
Posts Per Day
Hi writer,

This one did not do it for me. The story was way too simple for my taste and the reveal was predictable. The casual banter between the characters did not help in providing any sort of heightened suspense. It did not help either that there was virtually no relationship between the victim and the killer. And I am not sure about the title of the story here. Who was on the mercy dash? If the killer? Then, how. If the victim? Then, I don't see that happening.  

Good luck.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Yuvraj  -  October 19th, 2021, 10:15am
Private Message Reply: 9 - 15
Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 3:36am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Shakespeare's county
Posts Per Day
Hi writer

It's close but not quite satisfying yet. I would like her motivations hinted at a bit more, Anj mentions she missed the meeting exactly a year ago, so I am guessing an annual thing she does but I would expand on it a bit.

I enjoyed the "Man behind you thing" but the scene needs more to add some tension/suspense. Something to really make the audience think she is in danger, the man moving around more, coming from behind, making her lose control of the car or something.  would add to the reveal that he is actually the one in danger.

Personally, I also think it doesn't end soon enough. I think it would have more impact if we see him terrified, her menacing grin and tools of torture and a quick punch out corny horror line like "Those PTA meetings are murder, we're going to have our own fun"
The beating and her dialogue afterwards took away from it for me.

Private Message Reply: 10 - 15
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 9:55am Report to Moderator

Not in Britain
Posts Per Day
I liked the concept but you should've ended it when she turns to the victim in the backseat. Then chop it down to 3 pages and use the phone conversation to setup your story and you'd have a cool little short.

As it is, it's a miss for me.

Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
Private Message Reply: 11 - 15
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 10:31am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts Per Day
The writing is solid, reads fast, though I do think you could afford to be more visual.

Dialog is good. Snappy with a natural flow. A few hiccups as things go along. (actually, after finishing, the dialog sorta nose-dives as the script goes along.)

A few typos.

Really creepy with Anj seeing someone in the backseat. Good stuff. But... Wouldn't Sally spin around and check!? I know I would. lol

Ah! Now I know why she didn't turn around. But now that brings up another(arguably bigger) question... If Sally knew she had someone in her backseat, why the Hell would she risk a face-time call? Not very smart.

Hmm... Who is the victim? Why is Sally doing this? And where is any mention of Halloween?

This one is disappointing, IMO. Just feels like random torture, with no hint as to why. Sorry, but this didn't work for me.

Good effort, though.

An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
Private Message Reply: 12 - 15
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
The setup for a great, easily-filmed short is all here.

As it sits, it's unsatisfying, mainly because Sally's actions give away the twist. I can see her being dismissive once. But, after Anj keeps insisting and she doesn't react, we know something's up.

The good news is you have all the pieces to make this great. Make it reasonable for her to take the call in the first place (right now it's not), then make it reasonable for her to be dismissive. But, only once.

The entire piece needs to revolve around one idea: she doesn't know that a dangerous presence lurks in her backseat. Is it real? Is it a ghost? A killer? Then, after you've squeezed every ounce of tension from that setup... you hit us with the reveal: she's the dangerous one.

There are tricks you can employ. Ex: It's dark. The guy in the backseat is in deep shadow. She turns. All she sees is darkness. We think she missed it for that reason.

You can even have her pass under a street light, distracted. She doesn't see the man in the back, but we do. Now we KNOW she's in danger. (Except, of course, she's not.)

Like I said, you've got the hard part done. So, please, don't let this one die on the vine. Rewrite and make it great!

Oh, yeah, also... I have no idea what a mercy dash is.

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 15
Posted: October 21st, 2021, 10:02am Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Funny as hell. The only thing that could improve it is adding a Halloween angle.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 15
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006