Sunrise by Caned And Unable - A reclusive widow living in the Scottish Highlands decides to make the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good.  Short, Horror, Thriller

Caned and Unable,

This was by far the most interesting story I've read so far. Lots of turns at every page, and had me guessing and wondering until the very end.

What was this five grand they were talking about? What monetary value did they get out killing this reclusive widow? Does she have money?

I loved the quick second to think that the monsters truly exist (at least, I did), before Beth shows up again. I liked how everyone was tricking everyone.

The ending fell a bit flat for me. I liked her last line, though it rang pretty cheesy. But I liked it. I was just left a bit confused as to the motive behind the men. Were they wanting the land? That's the only explanation I can think of. Pretty extravagant plan no matter what to get rid of the widow, though!

Good job.

Sean

Ahoy Caned&Unable - Luv the pun. When I reach 50, I want to be B. Some fine writing. Nice,  and sharp. Clever us of a Trojan Horse. A bit over-the-top methinks. One thing that kind of stood out to me-- not so predictable. Good. The ending wasn't much of a twist though. Some unanswered questions. For one, Why do they gotta clean the place if this Mcgloughlin is going to just level it?

My opinion means zilch, so take it with a grain of salt - or the whole damn shaker. Anywaz, good entry. -A

My learned friend has got to stop saying her opinion means zilch. I think she says this so feelings are not hurt if she's not 100% enamoured. Anyway I digress.

I wanted to love this but it fell just a teeny bit short. Great set-up and atmosphere!  Those who have travelled to the UK or watched Under the Skin will know what a bothy is - kudos for giving us a different setting.

I was really into this - some good suspense, intriguing characters, a ticking clock with sunrise and the missing wife, but the other characters muddied the waters for me and the denouement felt a little anticlimactic. It might just be me but I was somewhat confused by the end of it - the levelling of the house etc.

Hit and miss dialogue. Some great. I'm not averse to swearing when it fits but the abrupt curse words half way through I found jarring - just didn't fit with the rest of the style or characters, imho.

Overall I think a rewrite with more clarity could make this a fine piece of work. As is, the confusing elements just made it a bit less enjoyable for me.

As I said to someone else though, thank you for joining the party. I really enjoyed the read and you can enlighten me later.

Ooh, I love a bothy! Great choice for the house.

The radio message didn't ring true to me, Govt advising 60m people to go to airports or ports, it'd be absolute bedlam! Given the current idiots in charge maybe this is believable

Hmm, I just don't buy the twist I'm afraid, at least with so little to go on... and a hit that you get paid 5 grand for, again, no don't buy it.

Decent effort but needs some work imho

This was an interesting story.

I was kind of excited for a zombie short, but I liked the twist at the end.

I realize we only have 6 pages, but I think it would be a better idea to have Beth be reluctant to let Adam in. She's been up for days and has very little news of what is going. It seems unlikely that, under those conditions, someone will instantly let a stranger in without asking at least a few questions.

Also, why the elaborate plan? Couldn't they just simply kill her from the start?


Meets all requirement anyways, good work.

I'm going to chime in with others in saying that I was a bit confused with the storyline.  I was assuming from the radio broadcast that there was actually an invasion of some sort, only to learn later that she was a crazy old lady that only "believed" there were monsters.  Also like others, I didn't get why she had to be done away with - was it for the land?  As I read it, she was actually a hero, thinking she was sacrificing herself so that the man could find his wife who would go on to create a potion that would kill the beasts, only to find she had been scammed by hired assassins.  

Overall, I did like the suspense of the story, and like Beth, I really did believe there were monsters outside trying to get in.  As Libby said above, I think a re-write would clarify a lot and make this into a really compelling piece.

Thanks so much for sharing with the OWC group!

Had to Google me: Bothy… oh, that’s what that is. Considering my ancestors were Scottish, you think I’d know that.

Anyway, I was thinking this was an apocalyptic scenario where other worldly beings had come hither with murdering rage, exterminating humans until only a few remaining people were strewn about, or hiding (such as Beth), in whatever shelter was available.

However, we find out that Adam, and later his two buddies, tell an entirely different tale. A tale that appears as if they were hired to torment and deceive this woman over a lengthily period of time into believing that monsters had taken over the world so they could somehow angle her out of her property?

Quite the tangled web they weaved here for nothing more than a bothy, of course the land might be worth its weight in gold and then the getting rid of Beth makes sense. I may be way off, and if so, haven’t the foggiest what transpired. What I do know, however, is a trio of hired henchmen finally got what was coming to them. Best of luck.

Awesome pen name.

I THINK I know what happened, but I can't say with certainty. And, that's, unfortunately, not a good place to be.

There were a bunch of good elements here, but, in the end, they never came together in a way that gave me the big AHA moment. And, without that AHA, I left the reading feeling unsatisfied.

I'll come back after the challenge closes to see if you post the order of events. I'm curious if I'm correct.

Good writing. Good story. Just needs a bit of clarification.

Hi Writer

Wow, all UK citizens to the airports and ports! I've been to our airports, they don't work well at the best of times. But maybe there are not many citizens left at this point... I'll read on.

He abandoned his wife? Red flag!

She is far too trusting of Adam's story. Way too quickly plans to sacrifice herself.

I was enjoying this until the end.

Ok this is my take on the story. The UK is fine, they have come up with some very very elaborate plan to make Beth think that civilization has collapsed. They have presumably done this because someone wants her land (usually a land developer) and she has probably previously refused to leave. The last bit really has to be inferred as it is not clear.

If I am right (that's a big IF), then the story makes no sense.
Why bother going through this very elaborate plan, over hundreds of days (hundreds of markings on the wall), to just kill her in the end and hide her body.
Why not kill her on day 1 and hide the body?
Now she is dead, who is even going to know this elaborate con took place? how does it the plan help the bad guys in their end goal?

I think there is far too much here for 6 pages. And personally I was disappointed the monsters weren't real, I'd have kept the monster thing going.

Very entertaining. Got off to a great start with Beth checking her pistol and placing marks on the wall. Beth is a confident and composed character, and it's easy to identify with her. Nice twist at the end, followed by another. Very strong.

My only complaint is that this apparently went on for hundreds of days, based on the marks on the wall. That is a huge commitment for Adam and his buddies to make for a paltry five grand. That definitely would not be the easiest money that he's ever made. My suggestion is to knock off a number of days.

What is a bothy?

I think I’m with Matthew on this – there’s some weird logic issues going on here as to why they would try to wait her out for so long, and then try to kill her to get her property?  Seemed like a lot of work going on there.  I would do away with the markings on the wall so you don’t have the time issue going on.  I also think if they were going to kill her, why go through the whole act of his wife being out there?  Just kill her and hide the body.  But then you got the whole issue as well as the property belonged to her – killing her doesn’t change that, so that’s something else that would have to be dealt with.

Okay, Mr. Buzzkill, enough with the logic issues.  I will say the writing was first rate and the story moved along at a nice pace.  I did like they all got what was coming to them in the end, except for Beth, of course. Best of Luck with it.

This was a pretty good apocalyptic scenario in its own right. The twist added a delightful new dimension.

Nice!

Sunrise was a sur-prise!
The ending revealed to me that the thugs were paid to kill Beth so that a developer, or someone who wanted her property, was behind her execution.
Brave Beth, flipped the table on them all in the end. (Did she die, or did she live to fight another day?)
The one element of this clever story that puzzels me is the government broadcast that supported her fear of an other worldly invasion. Did she imagine that? What would lead us to believe that -- the markings on the wall? -- that she avoided these invaders for so long?
These loose threads dangle in the way of me to embracing the story 100%. But 95% is damn good!

Hey writer,

This is the second one I've read where things are perhaps a little too ambiguous. I get not wanting to spoon-feed the reader but the risk is you leave the reader confused and for a short, that's probably best avoided.

Nice take on setting it in a bothy though.

Good luck!