Streets of Bourbon by Florist Grump - A waiter chases a patron through New Orleans to give him his wallet he left behind at the restaurant. 3 pages  Short, Comedy

Poor LeVon really went through a lot. Frenetically-paced and I was along for the ride. A teeny bit repetitive with the sights at the top - be more general and save this :
MAN ON STILTS, a woman wearing a MARIE LAVEAU costume, and
TWO WITCH DOCTORS are among the many sights to see - for when we actually come across them later. Loved the witch doctors and the voo-doo.

Maybe add an E at the end of Smyth and I'd get the phonetic difference earlier.

A very colourful and original take on the challenge.

First read of this OWC for me and this definitely fits the brief and I got a good sense of him chasing through the streets of New Orleans.

But here's the aspects I'd work on if you do a redraft.

Timing - I don't thing 'long beat' really gives enough time for the famiy have got that far from the waiter for the chase to be realistic, I'd think of another device to show 5-10 mins have passed so it makes it more plausible.
Character reaction - Unless I missed it, all the people in the script speak English, so why does he need to resort to arm waving gestures to describe the family. Why can he just say 'You seen a family, Dad's got glasses, one's in a mobility scooter' etc.
Ending - It's hard to write a coherent script in 7 days and with limited page count, but this petered out for me a little, felt like it needed some sore of twist.

These are of course just my opinion

This reads like a scene from a larger movie but not so much a story unto itself.

There's a chase, but it feels more like a task.

As I go:

• Page 1. "is buzzing" reads better as "buzzes". Write in an active voice.
  
• Page 1. "Lots of cars parked. New Orleans is alive inside and out." This isn't needed. There are a lot of lines throughout the script that aren't needed. It could be trimmed up on almost every page to make it read faster and smoother.
  
• Page 1. "dances a little jig while running." Why is he running? That confused me and took me out of the story for a second.
  
• Page 2. "He takes a puff of his cigarette and blows it in LeVon's face." Why does he do this? How does this serve the story? This just makes me think the bouncer is an ass. I don't really feel for LeVon though so there's no sympathy on my end.
  
• Page 2. If LeVon is going to run to his left as he changes direction looking for the Smyth's, then you should establish that he's running to his right looking for them earlier.
  

You had a chase but there didn't feel like there was anything really on the line.
It was a scene from a movie about something else.

Good job finishing a script.

Thanks.

-Jordan

This one was definitely visual with lots of things interesting visually going on. You also had a chase and not much dialogue, so you're good on that end as well. Story wise there were a few things that caught me as odd.  If I were a server in a restaurant and a customer left their wallet, I might run outside to see if I could find the owner of the wallet. Chasing after them a long way didn't seem warranted. I would just go back inside and assume that they would either come back for the wallet or call about it when they realized they lost it. Therefore, the chase itself didn't seem necessary in my mind. My second odd thing was why Mrs. Smythe would slap her husband in the face. I didn't get why she was angry. Maybe I'm just dense. Also, if she's in a scooter-type chair, can she reach his face?

Anyway, I enjoyed the read for the side characters and atmosphere.

Dear Florest,
what a madcap machinations almost literal stream of consciousness this is from start to finish! Barely pausing for breath (but a little jig) it certainly ticks the inclusivity boxes.
Loved the very Reverend Zombie (Woof shop (now that dates me . . .) though for me I fancied the slap rather harsh for just an incorrect name. . .
What an imagination. I need a little lie down . . . All best jtF

Firstly kudos for keeping it mostly purely visual and having very little dialogue.

This story is bonkers. In a good way, I should add.

You had the Forest Gump nod at the start so was wondering whether it would be a theme and we would see a bit more but I'm fairly sure that was it unless I missed some references.

The witch doctors and voodoo dolls were totally whacky, think it was my favourite little moment.

This is probably one that I would enjoy more watching on screen than I did reading. I don't mean that negatively, just that kind of calamity works better for me live than on paper.

I could identify with the protagonist. I had an experience similar to this. While I didn't have the nearly scenic adventure that LeVon had, and I was in The Big Apple and not The Big Easy, my friends made fun of me for the lengths I went to.

I was pronouncing Smyth correctly until LeVon pronounced it wrong. I was delighted to find out that I was correct and that I had stumbled upon a piece of colorfully added character depth.

I have to be picky and point out that LeVon is not in ALL CAPS when he's introduced. Otherwise, I can't think of anything else to comment on except that the images you painted would look delightful on a screen.

Hi Writer.

Sorry I think I am a little lost. Is the whole thing to do with Forest Gump? are the Smyths a reference to it? LeVon's jaw drops when he sees the name like he knows them or something, are they supposed to be famous?

It is humorous and I love the vibrant setting. You have a colourful imagination but the story is not one for me.

All the best.

Ahoy Florist Grump -- cute btw. A couple of nuts-and-bolts things: Um, was this really a chase??? I guess - not going to nit-pick. Good visuals a plus-- however, I wanted something with a bit more bite to it. Not bad by any means. Best of Irish luck! -A

I tend to love anything with NOLA as the backdrop and the descriptives here are right on target. Love the angle you took on the “Chase” theme and the slapstick comedic moments. Poor LeVon, he sure took a beating just trying to do the right thing. Enjoyable read and checks all the boxes for this OWC. Best of luck with this!

You've got a chase and an emphasis on visual storytelling, so good job there. The writing itself is a little too descriptive for my tastes though. Reads more like a novel than a screenplay.

Good effort.

Grump/Gump. Not a huge Forrest Gump (the movie) fan, but remember seeing it once. back
in the day. A simply told tale of a man’s timely, unplanned influence on people and history.
So, I’m thinking that this OWC writer is “writing down” to slip us into Gump world.

I recall that Gump wore leg braces early in the flick and bullies chased him until he outran the braces.  Bourbon Street story is filled with “leg” or running references — Usain Bolt, Man on Stilts, a woman in a power chair, “legs of steel,” the song about “Saints Go Marching In,” witch doctors sticking “pins in opposite legs,” and on and on.

I enjoyed this story because of those touches. It’s like a puzzle.
Zack said in his review, that this script reads like a novel. Well, LeVon’s name
spelled backwards is novel. Gump the movie was based on a novel, as I recall.
Not all of this is clear to me (stumped by the ending), but in the end LeVon accomplishes his goal. I was running with the dude for most of his journey.  
Some clever writing here. Great effort.

Now that we can talk, I thought I'd comment and answer a few questions.

This actually happened to my grandparents and I on vacation in 2015. (We went to Memphis and New Orleans. Overall, for me it was a Vacation from Hell.) The poor man kept calling out "Mr. [Mispronounced]!" It's one of those names you think would be easy to pronounce, but nobody can ever get it right. What's even funnier is that he's Cajun!

So poor "LeVon" went through all this effort to return Grandpa's wallet... and got a huge tip. My family has never really been affluent, so we always had to watch our money.

Quoted Text A teeny bit repetitive with the sights at the top - be more general and save this : MAN ON STILTS, a woman wearing a MARIE LAVEAU costume, and TWO WITCH DOCTORS are among the many sights to see - for when we actually come across them later.

I wanted to establish New Orleans. Kind of an establishing shot.

Quoted Text I have to be picky and point out that LeVon is not in ALL CAPS when he's introduced. Otherwise, I can't think of anything else to comment on except that the images you painted would look delightful on a screen.

Not a huge deal, but... When spell checking LeVon to make sure I capitalized the V, I used "find and replace."  "Replace all." Oops. I accidentally replaced the CAPS. I decided "LeVon" rather than "Levon" sounded more French and Black.

Abe, I honestly never thought of anything that deeply. Probably the closest was "When the Saints Go Marching In," but I was gonna use that song anyway, just out of necessity.

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Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I just wanted to have fun with it.