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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  The Abortion Clinic Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Abortion Clinic  (currently 1126 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: September 7th, 2008, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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The Abortion Clinic by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - A young lady goes to an abortion clinic only to be challenged by the doctor for her intentions and asked insensitive questions. - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: September 7th, 2008, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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It was an interesting read, Javier, but I didn't see it as a comedy.  It read more like a dramatic piece; honestly, I couldn't tell where the jokes were.

Unfortunately, comedies are very hard to critique.  What I wrote, above, can be translated as, "I didn't find it funny."  Even more unfortunate is that I can't tell you how to improve it.

As a dramatic piece, I liked it a lot.  The conversation flowed nicely with the characters.


Phil


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EasyMac742
Posted: September 8th, 2008, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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Your heart is in the right place, I'll say that first and foremost.

However, this doesn't feel like a comedy.  It's an issue of tone: If we're going to laugh at the doctor's unprofessionalism, he needs to be far more satirical, more exaggerated.  As it stands, the piece reads like a drama, so we take everything the doctor says and does at face value.  This is a problem because no doctor anywhere would behave this way; certainly not a doctor in a women's clinic.

Second, though I've never had an abortion, I believe the process is far more organized than you've shown it to be.  First of all, the pre-counciling and information on alternatives to abortion, are all done well in advance - before a termination date is made.  It's okay for a script to betray logic, but again, only if it's a satire - and even then, it needs to be done right.  The act of bringing in the other woman (was she a secretary?) is a total breach of privacy.

Also, I disliked the way the doctor is caught off-guard by Beverly coming into his office.  At every doctor I've been to, the patient waits in silence for a few minutes *then* the doctor comes to *her*.  When he fumbles around for her file, I sensed you were showing us his apathy, but there are other ways to do it.  Some subtext in this would be very effective.  In other words, what people are saying when they *aren't* talking; the meaning beneath what they're actually saying.  Through subtext, you can reveal the doctor's antipathy, and even the fact that she was drugged.

Finally, the tone of the main character (both her actions and words) are are not in following with those of someone who's been date-raped and is considering an abortion for the first time, alone.  She doesn't feel the slightest bit vulnerable in this.

I'm not picking on you, I just hope some of this helps.


SEQUOIA(Drama/Suspense, 87 pgs)
THE LIVING(Drama, 40 pgs)
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NiK
Posted: September 8th, 2008, 3:54am Report to Moderator
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I agree with Phil and Easy, this is not much of a comedy, but that doesn't mean that i didn't like it. The dialogue is good and makes you go on and read it all in one breath.

I think you should work more with the doctor, to me he looked like he was her father making moral to the daughter. It would have been fun if let's say you'd have two doctors in the room, Nesbit and perhaps a female doctor. Nesbit tells her to not abort, and the female doctor protects Beverly since she knows how Beverly feels. This is just a suggestion that came to my mind.

Hope to see more scripts from you here

Cheers





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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 8th, 2008, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier,

Guess I'm number 4 who thinks that this isn't funny.
I just can't find anything to laugh at when someone is going to kill a baby. Sorry.

There are many things that people go to the doctor for that would make a funny script...  stomach flu, hemmoroids, colds, a boo boo on their finger...

I think even with this being a dramatic piece, it still ended on too good of a note. I think it should have been sadder. some way for her to keep in mind what she is loosing.

Cindy


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A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
Logline: After finding each other, a pair of aspiring country music singers must learn how to let go of their pasts in order to embrace their future. "

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alffy
Posted: September 8th, 2008, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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Not seeing the comedy here Javier.

The doctors remark of 'you are about to murder his child' is way out of line for a comedy.

Sally agrees with Beverley and yet she tells Nesbit to discipline her for her outburst?  This makes no sense.

Easy touched on how a doctor would be well aware of a patients appointment before they arrived.

This seems more like a drama but you would need to change the doctor.  I just don't get it, Beverley's character changes half way through from a nervous shy girl to a someone without morals and a lack of respect.


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jayrex
Posted: September 8th, 2008, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hello dogglebe, EasyMac742, Nik, CindyKeller & Alffy.

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read my script.

I added a comment when I posted this and I thought this was going to be added.  Part of my learning curve I guess.

When I wrote this I was inspired by watching an episode of Green Wing which I love.  Incase you haven't seen it and most of you probably haven't.  Have a look on YouTube and look for Dr.Statham.

Where the doctor says something normal but his tone of voice suggests something else.  I know this script leans towards a drama piece.  And I was kind of worried that the lines would appear to be unfunny.  But if you can imagine this actor acting out the lines in my script, would my lines sound funny?

I don't know anyone who has gone to a clinic before so I could not ask anyone for guidance.  But as for doctors not knowing who's next.  As a child I was a sick child.  Regularly going to a hospital every year till I turned 17.  And I know doctors can be very busy and occasionally not realising who's next.  Computers nowadays have fixed this I hope, but back then mishaps did happen for me.

I was going to write some extreme lines, but that may not have gone down so well.

I like wacky comedy, and I know this would never ever be witnessed in the real world.  Everything I wrote was not to be taken seriously.

As a note, Green Wing, The Mighty Boosh and Gareth Marenghi are big influences on me.

Looks like I'll have to work on some proper jokes.

Regards


Javier


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alffy
Posted: September 8th, 2008, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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The Green Wing is, or was as they don't make it anymore, very funny.  Although it has plenty of comedy it still had to remain professional at times.  I mean that most of the jokes between the doctors happened when the public weren't around.  If you wanted to write a funny doctor, I think he should be foul mouthed when with collegues but different with patients.  Just my thoughts of course.


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stebrown
Posted: September 9th, 2008, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Javier, I did see a bit of comedy in this script. Mainly from the doctor to the nurse when she came in for the second opinion.

I think if you had this doctor going through a nervous breakdown or something, and showed that, maybe had the subject matter a little less harsh than an abortion you could have more fun with it.


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jayrex
Posted: September 9th, 2008, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks SteBrown for reading my script.

I guess I should change the direction of the script.  Ignoring Beverly and having a second doctor as Nik suggested.  An argument follows and like you say, a nervous breakdown erupts.  This could make for a better script.

I'll definitely take your thoughts on board and a few of the ideas mentioned above and will look into doing a rewrite.

I disagree with Alffy's suggestion about having the doctor be foul mouthed.  I tend not to like foul mouth language and I will try to stay away from this area.

Also, for CindyLKeller's suggestion about colds, etc...  These type of scenarios have been done over and over again.  I get about doing a scene about something less dramatic over a sore finger.  But I see the jokes turning out to be school yard jokes.

P.S.

I've been thinking of uploading one of my wacky scripts.  But I've been waiting on my mate to give me the go ahead, as he works for the BBC and will be presenting it to the producer he works for.  If I don't hear back from him in a months time I'll upload it.  So look out for it CindyLKeller.

Regards


Javier


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walford
Posted: September 9th, 2008, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Jayrex
I tend to agree with the previuos comments. I couldn't see the comedy. I think you may have been 'behind the eight ball' (as the saying goes) with the subject matter. Its a long way to come from to get to comedy. There is not much comedy to be found in an Abortion Clinic, in fact you may have lost half of the audience with the title alone. Maybe a pap smear episode in an STD clinic might have been fun. Cheers Walford
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jayrex
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading Walford,

I know the subject matter is a touch risky.  But there's a person called Chris Morris here in the UK who is very controversial.  Who probably doesn't have a huge fan base.  He won an award in comedy for a sketch based on paedophiles.  In the sketch, he even pretended to interview a child molested by a paedophile in a newsroom studio.  Anyone from the UK on this website who knows Chris Morris and the stuff he writes and acts in will hopefully verify what I've said.

And so, what has gone before has already broken down those barriers.  My stuff is nothing in comparison.  And this was a one-off.

Regards


Javier


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stebrown
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah Javier, I've seen a lot of Chris Morris' stuff including that episode of Brass Eye lol 'Cake' was probably my favourite.

I've actually got a script on here based on an episode of 'Jam'.
Here's a link if you're interested.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1216469744/s-0/

I didn't really notice the similarity to be honest with you. I think maybe the girl who is having the abortion is also acting out of character, both the doctor and patient felt like a parody.


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tonkatough
Posted: September 13th, 2008, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty shore I owe you a read.

I wanted to read your scripts but last time I looked you only had Family Guy and I'm not a big fan of that show,

So thank God you wrote this. Now I can read it and review it so here goes.


and this is funny . . . because?

Sorry but I didn't see a point to this. It was weak and the only reason I can see you even used an abortion clinic at all was to pull readers in with a hot topic.

And for such a contriversal topic you have not much to say about it or not much of a reaction from your script in the reviews above.

If your script is a comedy for this subject you should have everyone drawing a line in the dirt with all their feathers ruffled.

The only view point I noticed in your script was the woman's rights vs the fetus right- and you did nothing with it.

It was only last week I read a debate on abortion where the anti-abortion crowd where shouting that when a fetus is aborted it has a death scream of agony.

But the Pro abortion crowd where shouting back that a fetus has not developed lungs or voice box and so can't scream or even developed a nerve system.

I mean my God, think of all the gold you could mine out of that argument for black comedy.

  


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jayrex
Posted: September 13th, 2008, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Tonkatough,

Thanks for giving this script a read.

Your suggestion is a good idea.  I've now realised that I have been influenced by a character in Green Wing more for the acting and delivery of lines rather than concentrate on the content of the script.

Regards


Javier


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