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Thanks again for reading the alternative draft. I'll be posting on here soon.
Again I'm disappointed you didn't take to it, as again I think its far superior to the more straightforward 2nd draft linked here.
All the story elements are there so I don't feel its overwhelmed, I just wanted to tell it in a more dynamic, interesting way. I actually borrowed the 3 time line structure from "Following" the first feature from Christopher "Memento" Nolan. Naturally this isn't a patch on that, check it out actually if you get the chance. It was made on a zero budget, pure guerilla filmmaking at its best, all set in London.
Very solid script. Especially the last half. You built some really effective suspense and there were some great lines of dialogue. I liked how you ended it with Daniel and the woman with the child sharing a look - just visualises nicely.
I can't really think of any criticism, it was pretty tight.
I can agree about Following. A prime example of how to make a good film with no money. I've seen it a good few times now and it still holds me all the way every time. It's funny to see the Batman logo on that door in there too, all those years before.
Anyways to the script. Fine bit of tension held throughout. I used to have to get trains all the time so I did empathise with Daniel, those people are too real. And boy can they talk.
I like your style of the writing. All seems so damned sad but then that is the point. Maybe I missed something but why Daniel? I think I know, but wouldn't he say something to her before, or give a note or something?
It's not a fault, just something that occured to me.
Hey Col, thought I should check this out. I can't make any judgements as to whether this is better than your original draft, as I never read that.
I've not read any other comments so sorry if my thoughts have been answered before, if so don't feel the need to explain again lol.
I wonder why you named the boy but not the mother, and also why you then refer to him as boy and not Joseph.
Patrick's confession is great, I really got the feeling that Daniel was freaked and desperate that someone was nearby to hear it.
Wouldn't the train be stopping at the station?
This was a great story and you wrote it really well. Patrick was very disturbing which really added to the uncomfortable tension between him and Daniel.
Weird that we both wrote similar stories, but like you said, did them very differently...dare I say, 'great minds think alike' lol.
Anywho, good job. I enjoyed this.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Nice story, but I had to reread the end. do people think Daniel pushed PatricK, The main cirticism I would make is that it was too obvious from the start the way Patrick ended. Mainly, because of the title. It was so obvious that I thought about another ending half way the script which made Patrick more sympathetic.
There, you first believe in his guiltiness and we feel really sorry forhim. But his suicide earses all this and do not resolve anything of his guilt. At least, he gives the little boy years to spend on a shrink's couch. Very often, suicide is a selfish act. Especially when you do it in front of people. So, we finally hate Patrick for this.
Anyway, it was extremelly well written. Good description and nice link of events (BTW, NYC people are not quite different from Parisians. Here too, when someone starts to talk to you in the metro, you flee away)
A bit disappointed by the end, but, hey, it might be just me!
Well, I found one of your scripts. I really don't have a lot to comment on because there wasn't very much to pick at.
I was wondering why you put the exact time in the slug line instead of super?
At first I thought Patrick was a stalker, glad he wasn't. I like the way you write... your descriptions... dialogue... very nice.
I know this was supposed to be modern day script, but for some reason it felt like it was something from back in the 1930s to me. I'm not sure why.
It is weird when people you don't know come up and start talking to you. It's more common in some parts more than others. I don't see anything wrong with it.
When he said that he killed her husband, I was like Whoa! He was so calm when he said it. It was eerie.
The way I took it, the woman didn't know he was there. I know her and her family wanted him to rot in prison, but if he wanted to show her how bad he felt, and what he was doing as sort of a "gift" for her, why didn't he call out to her? That way she would know. I'm sure if you get hit by a train there isn't going to be much left of the person.
The woman could be scared, and hide the child from his view when she notices him. I think it would be even crazier if they had eye contact going on when he jumps...
It was refreshingly different from what I usually read, Cindy
I'll look and see what else I can read of yours tomorrow.
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
I’m chuffed you liked the line, I thought it would be interesting to throw a reference from a comedy into a serious story, see how it would sit.
Plus it shows that Patrick is still talking in a somewhat comic or light-hearted tone even though he's referring to an extremely tragic occurrence, like he's softening up Daniel for the bombshell he's about to drop, keeping it upbeat as long as he can. All representing his fractured, twisted mindset.
Rendevous
Daniel was just a randomer, the ear Patrick needed for his final confession. When I mentioned "Following" to Steve in an above post it was in relation to the alternative draft and the structure of it which I had emailed to him. It will be posted on here soon. This draft has no connection to it...Of course I am by no means comparing the new draft to a quality picture like that either as a whole, just the structure is all (Ok, enough of the disclaiming)
I owe you a red too, brother. I'll add “Attachments To Small Objects” to the long list of stuff I need to read. Cheers.
Alffy
Great to hear your opinions, since you have something similar.
That was a mistake with the name calling, it's been fixed, since, thanks.
"Wouldn't the train be stopping at the station?" - Yeah I've made this clearer in recent revisions. Trains normally stop ahead of the crowd unless you stand at the very far end (in the direction of travel) Here I envisaged it slowing down to stop up past them. The majority of the time if I’m waiting for a train, the front carriage will fly past me at a fast speed before stopping way up the platform. Naturally, it all depends on the size of station, platform and actual train in question I can see how this draft doesn't tell the reader all this, but it’s all been changed. Thanks.
Michel
Glad you liked it to some degree, sorry the ending didn't surprise you. Your bang on in terms of how I wanted people to feel about Patrick's actions. It is selfish and yes the kid will be traumatised but I did leave it open to discussion about Patrick's own motivations. Did he really do it for him or them? I think there is an argument for both sides. Given his warped mind he actually might believe deep down that by he is doing the right thing by them, that this is the only way he can truly prove how sorry and regretful he is.
As for the end, again its open to interpretation, maybe they do. However, I'm thinking when its revealed who the person was, Linda will piece it together what Patrick was attempting to achieve. This closure would also depend greatly on how much Daniel will want to tell her about their conversation.
Cindy
Happy you enjoyed it. Yeah, Patrick could have called out to her, you’ve given me food for thought. I’ll consider it when I revise the newer draft but whatever a moving train would do to someone’s features the body would be identified through some branch of forensics (don't ask, I'll leave it to that monosyllabic, my-voice-is-the-same-pitch-no-matter-how-dire-the-current-situation-may-be idiot, Horatio Caine to work it out)
Nice one again for the reads and comments, people. They’re always so greatly appreciated, thank you
I like how the story slowly unfolded... from a bright sunshiny day full of hope to somethin dark and tragic and very human so you feel for everyone. Very good. Nothing to pick at at all.
I see from you wrote "Sweetie" from the OWC, very good script you've got there yourself, I can still remember that uber cu?t hannah. Have you anything else done I'd love to take a look and return the favour?
I see from you wrote "Sweetie" from the OWC, very good script you've got there yourself, I can still remember that uber cu?t hannah. Have you anything else done I'd love to take a look and return the favour?
I submitted a short called Sparkle City. It hasn't been posted yet.
I've just read this short, and I really enjoyed it.
Most people can recall a time in their lives when they've been randomly involved in a situation or conversation that is uneasy, and hard to just walk away from.
I liked the whole set up, and was unsure where it was going.
Well paced, snappy and pretty much brilliant.
I look forward to reading some of your other shorts when I get chance.
Thanks for the read, man. I'm going to post an alternative draft to this soon, once Don is back and gotten through the mountainous back log of scripts I can only imagine are waiting for him.
I just got through this and I have to say, I really enjoyed it. It was a great bit of fun. Notes:
Really good visuals, but you did go a tad overboard on them. The opening slugline involves a specific time. (Don't worry, I'm guilty of this too as some people on here have noted)
I really like the last act. As someone on here said earlier, the part where they're talking abot risk assessment in regards to getting hit by a train was brilliant.
Didn't drag, didn't move too fast. A nice, even pace throughout.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I see what you mean about time specifics and over exposition, something I'm always trying to tighten the reins on so thanks for the reminder.
If you have anything of a similar length you'd like me to read, just ask.