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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Rid of Guilt Moderators: bert
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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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Barkman

Thanks for the glowing review. You're not the first to wonder was Patrick's wife cheating with the women's husband. But given the circumstances in which Patrick knocked him down, it would have been far too coincidental.

The primary reason why I had the train disembark at the start was to add some dynamics to the scene. I think by having just a quiet platform would prepare, in a sense, the audience for something to hapen.

That sort of ominous feeling of two strangers meeting in a quiet public place has been done a thousand times thus it lends itself to predictability. Having a bit of hustle and bustle around the two leads will not only distract the audience slightly until the punchline "I killed her husband" grabs their undivided attention but it also preoccupies Daniel until he too is stopped dead by the aforementioned confession.

Happy you liked it anyway.

Just a word of advice, you should put up the links to your shorts on your signature.

People will instantly know what you've done, what they have read from you and what they haven't. As long as you keep commenting on other peoples work you will get far more reads this way. Think of it as (I know, its a horrible word)...advertising oneself.

Col.


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Posted: March 26th, 2009, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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I went along thinking it was the womans husband till he hit the car head on, then thought that cant be right and began rereading. I get alot of time to read at work (hence my neverending comments!) but do get distracted every now and again.

Reading your explanation of the opening i can see how this steers the reader/viewer to not be sure of whats gonna happen until the bomb dropping moment.

It's very much my type of story, i can picture it so well. I know its only a short but it seems like something out of a bigger movie. Love films with those dramatic twists at the end.

How do you add links into your posts, i tried to see an option but couldn't, if its blindingly obvious then ill put it down to work, damn phone...
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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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I asked the same question before too. This was the instruction I worked off, its fairly straightforward.

[xurl=http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1205284440/s-0/]Big Stakes[/xurl]

I've put x's before each url as I think it would just post another link if I didn't. You'll have to remove them.

Basically, have [url=address of your script]name of script[/url]

Any questions, don't hesitate to ask.


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Andrew
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Col,

Myself and Bark have been working away on that since we read your comment!! It's been bugging me, and I now see that it can be done in more than one way!!

Here's how I did it, but your way is easier:

Wikipedia is great


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Posted: March 26th, 2009, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Chaps!
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theMADhatter
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Col,

Great read. I had goosebumps at the end. Very well written descriptions and dialog.

Daniel: "I think you'll get a few more journeys out of it" was the only line that seemed odd. By the time he explained he was an actuary, it makes a little more sense he'd use a word like journey. Before that, I pictured him as an executive-type.

If the woman's family waged war outside the prison the day he was released, you'd expect from that moment alone (not to mention the trial) that she would recognize him. Maybe she tried to divert her eyes while waiting for the train or smiles after he's lunged in front of it.

That's basically the only problems I had with it. The rest of the dialog was fluid. "I went to the A and E for four fuckin' stitches... four!" Great line. I could imagine him giving it like Earl Partridge's final speech in Magnolia.

I'm anxious to read more of you stuff posted.

-kjb.



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Kevin

Thank you for reading, glad you liked it.

"I think you'll get a few more journeys out of it" -- This was just a quip to the child, as if the train were real, thats all.The fact that it remained unscathed after the fall enabling Joseph to continue playing with it.

One could always take it as a feeble attempt by Daniel to relate to the kid, thus attempting to charm the "attractive" mother.


"If the woman's family waged war outside the prison the day he was released, you'd expect from that moment alone (not to mention the trial) that she would recognize him. Maybe she tried to divert her eyes while waiting for the train or smiles after he's lunged in front of it."

-- I visualized this to be a big station. The mother or Child don't see Patrick, don't think that would work in the context of the story. I'd imagine she'd go for him or leave the platform if she did spot him.

They don't recognize him as he jumps either, it happens too fast. Its only after, when its on the six o clock news that night or whatever that realization sets in. I can only assume a body is practically unidentifiable after its being run over by a train...not that she would go investigate anyway.

Either way, they're completely oblivious to their significance in this event until after its occured. That's my spin on it anyway.

I appreciate the reference to Earl Partridge too, fu?kin' great film.

Thanks again for checking this out, feel free to have a look at whatever I have on my sig.

I'll take a look at your "The Deal" when I get a chance.

Cheers

Col.


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theMADhatter
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Colkurtz8
One could always take it as a feeble attempt by Daniel to relate to the kid, thus attempting to charm the "attractive" mother.

I could've used Daniel smiling at the mother after that, and she just walks off. I didn't get that.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I visualized this to be a big station

I didn't imagine it as such, and without as many people. But duh, 8am on a workday... and the other details fall into place.

-kjb.



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 27th, 2009, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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"I could've used Daniel smiling at the mother after that, and she just walks off. I didn't get that."

-- I'll rephrase that to casual flirting/ friendly banter on Daniel part.

I was careful not to make him a sleaze either...or at least tried to anyway. I just let him flash the quick smile at her before she walks away.


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Cam17
Posted: March 29th, 2009, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Col,

Excellent rewrite.  From what I remember of the first draft, you addressed some key issues.  The ending has much more impact now(no pun intended).  Good job.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 30th, 2009, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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Came

Cheers for giving this another read, I really dug your "The Haircut" script, a welcome slice of good comedy on here.

The links on your signature all lead directly to the script itself instead of the discussion board, you might want to change that in order to get more comments. I'm interested in checking out your "Anguish" script.

Col.


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Cam17
Posted: March 30th, 2009, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Good idea.  I changed it if you want to check out Anguish.


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stevie
Posted: April 27th, 2009, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, Col, that was good. It's cool how i just read three scripts by you, and each one was so unlike the other. By that I mean, it was hard to pick that one dude wrote them all - great virtousity, my friend.
The only thing i can note is that maybe not have Patrick mention throwing himself under the train so quickly? Like, let there be a sentence or two buildup? I dunno, i reckon that would crank the ante up a bit.  and the tension.  This is probably my fave by you. cheers man.



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Colkurtz8
Posted: May 9th, 2009, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Steve

Glad you lik this. Most seem to prefer it too. Personally I like it but it wouldn't be a favouite of mine. I had some interest from a couple of production companies in America and England but surprise surprise, sweet fu?k all came of it.

A friend gave me some good suggestions for telling the story in a less straight forward fashion so a rewrite could be tackled at some point.

Thanks again for the read

Col.



Revision History (1 edits)
Colkurtz8  -  June 21st, 2009, 10:59pm
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stevie
Posted: June 21st, 2009, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Col, here's the review of the new version. Look, it's the same as with 'Golden'; i liked the original better for some reason. The changes in this one are more obvious, with the flashbacks and that. You have taken more time to set everything up but i think it sort of overwhlems the actual story now. does that sense? The writing and formatting is still top notch as was 'Golden.
it could be just me but the first drafts were still better. cheers buddy.



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