88 Keys by Mike Shelton - Short, Comedy - Buddy, The Friendly Piano Man is about to play for a whole new audience...adults. 11 pages - pdf, format

That was good Mike!

Excellent writing and dialogue...  Glad you stuck to present tense. Reads better IMHO, but no big deal in the big scheme of things I suppose.

My only suggestion would be to have a tad punchier ending. To end on a memorable note so to speak.  

I agree with Pia.  This was a good script.  I felt Buddy's anxiety while he was on stage.  I also agree with her that the ending needs a little more punch to it.  It just kinda trailed off.


Phil

Thanks for reading guys, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I wondered a little about the ending myself, since it does come off as a little abrupt even though it does make sense.  

I'm definitely open to suggestions on it.

A more punchier/funnier last line from him would fix it.

It does make sense in the real world, but....


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe It does make sense in the real world, but....

I think it makes sense here too.  Tex is a jackass.

Hey Mike,

Of course, I liked this one too.
Tex is a jackass.  

As for a suggestion...

Well, Tex was upset about the improper touching song Buddy sang.
Maybe Buddy could say something funny at the end, accusing Tex of an improper touch.             ???  Or sing it again. ???

Just a thought.

Cindy

Quoted from Shelton I think it makes sense here too.  Tex is a jackass.

That's not what I meant.  I meant that, in the real world, the ending would work.  A simple fade out.  Here, however, it's not enough.


Phil

Hey Mike,

When your opening slug reads "INT. HA HA HOUSE", you got me hooked right away. Brilliant.

"It’s not improper touching if it’s family!" Goddamn!

I think you did a good job of setting everything up all around; Buddy, Tex, the club, the original set. I like how Buddy adapts to the crowd and the situation, and the songs were pretty damn funny.

The end however sort of...fizzled out I think. I was waiting for a much bigger punchline, well, actually just a punchline. This just doesn't feel right. Something is missing here for it to work all the way through.

Solidly written though.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Sniper,

Thanks for reading.  Glad you liked it.

Does anyone agree disagree that another impromptu song might work?  Something where Buddy digs into Tex, perhaps?

yes. I think that could work.

I don't know. Maybe. It could, but it would have to be pretty damn good. Something that embarrass Tex - maybe sexually.

Quoted from Shelton Does anyone agree disagree that another impromptu song might work?  Something where Buddy digs into Tex, perhaps?

No, that is not what this needs.

Aside from the petered-out ending, the character of Bob is kind of weak here.  The owner of the club should have more presence.  At least give him a cigar or something.  And perhaps the very last word of the logline gives too much away -- you could do without that if you wanted to -- hold a little more back.

I am not sure what to do about the end.  Perhaps something involving children that recognize him from a previous gig?

Maybe Bob has kids that have seen Buddy at a party -- they just happen to be there tonight and this "new act" kind of blows their little minds?

Personally, I didn’t see Tex as all that major of a character. For me, it was more about Buddy, his act, and the audience.

I think you should concentrate more on how Buddy wins over the audience. More of the heckler and that type of interaction. Everyone loves to see a performer cleverly handle a heckler. The part where the heckler says he wears Velcro and Buddy responds with, “Maybe my song will help you become a big boy,” is terrific. I think that’s the type of stuff you need more of. More parts where Buddy’s children’s show peculiarly seems to work despite the situation. To me, the audience interaction seemed to become more generic after that point.

As far as the ending, I think it could be fixed simply by adding on a scene later where Buddy is introduced to an audience that full well knows who he is and is excited about his show. This guy who was a mediocre children’s entertainer at best is somehow transformed into a hot performer with adults even though he really isn’t performing all that differently.

My opinion anyway. I saw spots of genuine inspiration and spots that seemed forced and uninspired. Maybe a more Woody Allen approach would work here. Just some thoughts.


Breanne

Quoted from Shelton Does anyone agree disagree that another impromptu song might work?  Something where Buddy digs into Tex, perhaps?

He shouldn't attack Tex with the song as the audience wouldn't get it.  Perhaps he should direct his improve to the heckler.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe He shouldn't attack Tex with the song as the audience wouldn't get it.  Perhaps he should direct his improve to the heckler.

By that point, the audience is out of the equation.  I tweaked it a little bit awhile ago.  There's a revised ending here now.  I can afford to work on this a little bit based on what's invested so far, but I also have time to think on it since I got two other things rolling.

If this is the same version I read, which I believe it is, then  I think the confrontation with Bob should be provided in the first couple of pages.  Buddy knows now that he has the chance at a steady gig, you've upped the stakes.  This gives us some added tension on stage.

Then during the stage show Buddy should flounder more and we should cleary see the realisation he comes to when he decides to play it differently.  In other words it should be more of a gradual transition.

Lastly, I liked the idea of this ending with him coming out onstage as his adult persona and beginning his new act.

Cheers.  

Hey Cornetto,

Thanks for the comment.  This version is a little different than what you read, and even a little different than what most of the previous posters have read.  

I've been screwing with it and sending the new drafts to my website link in between breaks of the other stuff I have to get done right away.  I'd say I've definitely done a good job in making up for all the golf I played this summer.

Mike,

I like how thoroughly you committed to Buddy's transformation from children's entertainer to evil minstrel.  Dead hookers and incest?  Comedy gold.  

When Buddy first insulted the heckler, I thought you were going to turn him into a Don Rickles-type.  But I like how Buddy used his musical chops to win over the crowd.

I thought you stretched believability a bit when Tex made no mention of the adult audience until moments before the show.  Tex may be a jackass, but I don't think he would throw his client to the wolves like that.  Maybe if you got rid of the part with Buddy peeking around the curtain and instead just had him wringing his hands and freaking out in the dressing room, because he already knows who's out there.

"This is obviously not a normal set."

That line seemed superfluous, as we had all figured that out by that point.

I guess I didn't mind the ending as much as some people, because I really liked the lyrics of that last song.  I don't know what that says about me.   But, when you asked about alternative endings, the first thing that crossed my mind was Buddy coming up with a number about Tex.  Because I got the feeling that Buddy had found his true calling in life with this new act and Tex was not pleased with it at all.

Maybe if you increased the tension between Buddy and Tex before the final scene, then Buddy finishes the song about burying the hooker and sees Tex glaring at him offstage.  Then Buddy busts out a tune to give Tex a gentle reminder to play along or else.  Perhaps  a gem like "Murdering my Manager" or "Shut your face, Tex."

I liked the script, although some of it felt a little forced to me as well.  The character of Tex seemed a little off.  Perhaps because he, being the manager of a kids entertainer, after booking him to entertain adults, expected him to be able to carry off the same style act?

What if Buddy ran into some parents in a crowd who had seen him entertaining their kids at some party?  How do you think they might react?

Whew, talk about getting yourself out of a tight spot.

I really enjoyed this one and my suggestion for the ending is that it end to late.

Is there really a need for the fade out fade in bit pinned onto the end?

You could just have it that as Tex watch Buddy's performenance he dose crazy hand signals that say STOP! NO! and when the crowd go wild and cheer both look at each other with mouth wide opened stunned "what the- ?" expression on their faces.  

Hey guys, thanks for checking it out.

I tried to make Tex just a little on the smarmy side, booking the gig without really thinking about Buddy, just his ten percent.

The "normal set" line is probably superfluous, but it's a good little note for an actor.

This ending is different than the one commented on by previous readers.  I did some tweaks to it over the weekend.

I went with the fade out/fade in just to show a passage of time.  I figured it was better to go about it that way after the scene with Bob in the hallway.

Thanks again for checking it out.

Hi Mike,

I liked it.  It was an enjoyable piece.

The build up was good and the songs even better.  The learning to tie a shoe song is funny given the setting that Buddy has been placed in.  The crowd reactions would add to the humour.

Then Buddy evolves and becomes the adult performer.  Great stuff.

Not sure if the ending has been altered.  It is good but I'm not feeling any closure on it.  I felt it can be lengthened.

Tex is obviously an idiot.  I think Buddy should have sacked him to be honest.

How about another song where Buddy asks the crowd if they want to hear a few unknown truths.  And sacks Tex during the song in the process?

Could also point to failed gigs in the past too.

Overall, I enjoyed it and the Buddy character too.  Just needs a little more spice to the ending.

All the best,


Javier

Thanks for the read Javier.

This ending is a few days old.  I think Bert was the last to comment on the original ending, which was really abrupt.

The ending seems to be just about everybody's issue with it no matter which route I go.  It's pretty funny now that I think about it.

Guess I'll have to think on it some more.

Now that I think of it, your Tex character sort of reminded me of that episode of the Simpsons when Homer turned into "Col. Homer" and managed the country singer.  They even dressed alike.  It might be a funny scene if you showed Tex playing hardball with some kid's mom for more money.

If you get a chance, check out my script Safety Boy on the new unproduced page.  I'd like to hear your feedback on it.

Cam